Story 585: We Are Not Cancelling on Account of Rain

             (At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)

Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.

Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?

Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing.  (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!

Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying!  (Slips and falls again)

Coach: You see!  We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up.  (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  (Claps hands twice in approval)

Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it!  We’re done!  Everybody pack up and go home!

(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)

Umpire: (To Coach) Hey!  You don’t have the authority to make that decision!

Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision!  (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)

Umpire: (Still standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of them.  If they can’t handle a little precipitation during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge faces them, huh?  (Is drenched by a sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….

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(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)

Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree!  (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile!  (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace)  I said “Smile”!

Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!

Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!

Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now!  The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!

Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors!  Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites!  (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do.  Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!

Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.

Child 1 and Child 2: Yay!  (They splash back into the house)

Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.

Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring!  Easter!  Rebirth!  April showers to bring out May flowers!

Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!

Parent 1: Well that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.

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(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)

Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?

Townsfolk 2: What?

Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.

Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.

Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.

Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.

(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)

Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?

Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?

Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?

Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.

Story 584: Waiting for the Epic Office Romance to Begin

            (In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)

Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?

Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.

Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh].  (Appears momentarily deflated)

Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.

Manager: …I’m sorry, what?

Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa.  They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.

Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.

Employee 1: Intra.

Manager: What?

Employee 1: Never mind – why not?

Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive.  And obnoxious.

Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.

Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?

Employee 1: Is that an order?

Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.

Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.

Manager: Please do.  (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk.  Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.

Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.

Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise.  (Dashes away)

Employee 1: (Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the great adventure begin….

SIX MONTHS LATER

(In a conference room)

Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions?  (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?

Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.

Employee 2: No?

Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!

Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else?  (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me.  (No one moves) Bye.  (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.

Employee 1: They did.

Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah.  (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?

Employee 1: No.

Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?

Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.

Employee 2: Aw, thanks.

Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.

Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.

Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.

Employee 2: …Thanks?

Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me.  I can tell you anything, and you understand completely.  We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.

Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?

Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.

Employee 2: You know I’m married!

Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?

Employee 2: No!  I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!

Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?

Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss?  Yes.  I don’t regret anything.  Except this conversation.

Employee 1: (Nods) I understand.  (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?

Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.

Employee 1: Very well.  Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.

Employee 2: I’ll manage my disappointment somehow.  (Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come from?!  I think we’ve spoken twice in all the time I’ve been here!

SIX MONTHS LATER

(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)

Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send.  Another report down; 639 to go.

Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah.  (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?

Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.

Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.

Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.

Employee 5: …Sorry?

Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.

Employee 5: …Huh?

Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.

Employee 5: …What?

Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.

Employee 5: …Eh?

Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?

Employee 5: …Who?

(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)

Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?

Employee 5: …Yes?

Manager: Good.  (Points to Employee 1) You.  In my office.  Now.  (Leaves)

Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it.  Farewell, The One Who Got Away.  (Strides out purposefully)

Employee 5: …Where?

(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)

Manager: Close the door.

Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.

Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit.  (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?

Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?

H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.

Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.

Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!

Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?

Manager: I’m not a judge!

Employee 1: Oh.  Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.

Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!

H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.

Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!

Employee 1: Very well.  I will begin my apology tour at once.  (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.

H.R. Representative: Excellent.  (Starts typing on a tablet)

Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?

Manager: Please do.

Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –

Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!

Employee 1: Never mind.  (Leaves)

H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?

Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.

Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possible explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.

Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 581: Covering Up Your Celebrity Crush

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit at a café table with their hot drinks and sugary snacks)

Friend 1: (After a gulp of still-too-hot tea) I can’t believe I missed St. Patrick’s Day this year.

Friend 2: (Takes the time to bite into a muffin and enjoy it before answering) Why?  It’s not like you ever go to any of the parades or excessively drink liquor or eat all the corned beef.

Friend 1: I know, but I forgot to get Irish soda bread and now none’ll be in stores for another 360 days, and I miss it.

Friend 2: You could always make it yourself.

(They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into hysterical laughter)

Friend 1: (Wipes away tears) Ho-ho, that was a good one.

Friend 2: Yeah, sometimes I even crack myself up.  (Briefly checks a cell phone alert) Oh, I see I almost forgot, but my daily movie rewards membership notice made sure to remind me: that film you really want to see is coming out next week, so if you like I’ll get us tickets over the weekend and we can go Tuesday night around 7 or something.

Friend 1: (In mid-bite, confused) What movie I really want to see?

Friend 2: When Stars and Spaceships Collide.  It’s finally coming out this weekend, after getting delayed for a year with the strikes and the director holding the final cut for ransom and all that.

Friend 1: (Finishes the bite) Oh, that movie.  (Shrugs overly casually) Yeah, it sounded interesting but what makes you think I really want to see it?

Friend 2: Well, maybe not so much want to see it as want to see lead actor Chad Burlyman.  (Friend 1 stares back) Your celebrity crush.

Friend 1: (Starts gobbling more of the snack and talks through a full mouth) Yeah, OK: I do not have a celebrity crush.

Friend 2: Right – you have several, and he’s one of them.

Friend 1: (Gulps down the snack and almost chokes) Listen: I had celebrity crushes in grade school, but I have since matured, and now I respect people strictly for their talent and hard work.

Friend 2: And you think he’s cute.

Friend 1: Ugh, “cute” is such a juvenile term.  Babies are cute; this is a full-grown man.

Friend 2: OK, so you think he’s hot.

Friend 1: What, is he on fire?

Friend 2: Fine, you think he’s a stud muffin.

Friend 1: Ew, way to dehumanize a fellow human based on their appearance!  (Friend 2 raises a skeptical eyebrow) Yes, I think he’s handsome, and I admire all the work he clearly puts into those strong-yet-not-intimidating muscles, but that’s all.  (Downs the rest of the tea, burning both mouth and esophagus) Ouch.

Friend 2: So you like him.

Friend 1: Again, that’s extremely grade school, and undervalues his worth as a member of the human race.  Besides, how can I like him; I don’t even know him!  From what little I’ve read in interviews, he seems like a basically decent guy who’s close with his family and works with animal rescue organizations and had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the grades for it so fell into acting instead and likes parasailing and snowboarding, that’s it.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: I mean, the whole idea of liking someone you’ve never met is ridiculous anyway: you know all about them, they don’t even know you’re alive; a bit one-sided, don’t you think?

Friend 2: (Finishes cooler drink and nods) Yep: it’s called a parasocial relationship.

Friend 1: Exactly!  Psychosocial non-relationship.

Friend 2: Parasocial.

Friend 1: Same difference.

Friend 2: Whatever.  I know you’re not a creepy stalker so it’s all right if you have a harmless crush on the guy.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if he knew; he’s probably used it and maybe even secretly craves the adoration.

Friend 1: I do not have a crush!  (Customers at other tables momentarily turn to stare at the two; Friend 1 winces and ducks partially under the table, then hisses at Friend 2) I-just-think-he’s-a-good-actor-and-happen-to-like-every-movie-I’ve-seen-him-in-OK?!

Friend 2: Hey, it’s fine to go to a movie just to see one person – we’ve all done it.  Remember that year I had to rent the entire back catalog of ----- --------s movies because I was so in luuuuuuv with him?

Friend 1: (Sitting back up straight) Oh yeah – I think the video store almost banned you for that stunt.

Friend 2: That they almost did.  Totally worth it, though.

Friend 1: Well, you were still a teenager back then, and I’m not “in luuuuuuv” with Chad Burlyman – I haven’t even seen all his movies and TV shows and voiceover roles, so there!

Friend 2: You dragged me to see him do Hamlet when it was playing around here, and you hate Shakespeare.

Friend 1: And like I told you then, it was a once-in-a-lifetime cultural experience we would have regretted forever if we’d missed it!

Friend 2: Sure.  I didn’t bring it up at the time, but I just had to now since it’s fun watching you double down on your denial.

Friend 1: (Daintily wipes mouth with a napkin, crumbles it up, and throws it onto the table) This has become tiresome.  I will not continue defending myself against erroneous charges that I feel affection for a famous stranger more than is proper and/or healthy.            

Friend 2: Fine – guess we’re skipping the movie then, if you don’t really care.

Friend 1: …Now, hold on: when did I ever say that?

Friend 2: Well, if you don’t like this guy as much as you claim you don’t, then it won’t bother you to skip the movie.

Friend 1: But – but – maybe I want to see the movie regardless who’s in it, hm?

Friend 2: You told me all the reviews said it was unimaginably awful and should never have been made in the first place!

Friend 1: Yes, well, I prefer to make up my own mind instead of following the sheeple, I-thank-you!  And actually, it sounds like you’re the one who doesn’t want to see the movie, so maybe you should skip it, ha!

Friend 2: No way – I never miss a Chad Burlyman film, he’s the absolute cutest.

Story 580: Constantly Cancelled Haircut

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey, come on in!

Sibling 2: (Enters and closes the door) Thanks, but we gotta go soon.

Sibling 1: (Running around grabbing things off of furniture) Sure-sure, just grabbing my keys, and my wallet, and my phone, and the tickets, and a snack, and –

Sibling 2: (Still standing by the door) And this is why I got here 15 minutes earlier than I really needed to.

Sibling 1: Exactly!  (Skids to a stop in front of Sibling 2 while shoving items into pants pockets) You do something different with your hair?

Sibling 2: Hm?  Oh – (Runs a hand self-consciously over the back of the head) yeah, I let it go longer between haircuts this winter – wasn’t paying attention – but I have an appointment to chop it off next Thursday.

Sibling 1: OK.  (Shrugs)  Looks good this way, though.  (Starts running around grabbing things again)

Sibling 2: Really?  (Leans over to look in a wall mirror and fusses with the hair a bit) I figured it looked all shaggy and messy by now.

Sibling 1: (Yelling from the bedroom) Nah, it looks relaxed and natural – besides, shaggy and messy are in!

Sibling 2: (Looks away from the mirror) They are?

Sibling 1: (Hopping up the hallway while tugging on shoes) I have no idea, but it sounds good, right?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) Thanks for the effort, but it’s trickling down the back of my neck and getting annoying so I’m still chopping it off next week.

Sibling 1: (Pulling on a coat) All righty – you gonna donate any of it?

Sibling 2: (Stares at Sibling 1 in disbelief) It’s not that long!  And besides, I doubt anyone’d want it with all the grays streaked through that are increasing by the hour.

Sibling 1: Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down.

Sibling 2: I’ll save it for you, then.  (The two stand there for a few moments) So, you ready now or what?

Sibling 1: Yep – off we go!  (Sibling 2 turns to open the door)  Ooh, wait, the tickets!  (Runs back to the bedroom)

Sibling 2: (Sighs, crosses arms, and leans back against the door) I’ll wait!  (Mutters) I can feel more grays coming out in the past five minutes alone.

NEXT THURSDAY

(In an office, Sibling 2 is working in a cubicle)

Sibling 2: (Typing) “…and that… is why… Casual Friday is a must….”

Coworker: (Stopping by) Hey, you going to the budget meeting coming up soon?

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face Coworker) No, I begged off that one – I have nothing to contribute except my snores.

Coworker: Heh-heh, lucky.  By the way, you growing out your hair or something?

Sibling 2: (Starts to reach up to run a hand self-consciously over the back of the head, but stops and yanks hand back down) No, I just let it go for a bit longer than usual – getting it cut tonight, actually.

Coworker: Heh, I was gonna say: “Get a haircut, hippie!”, ahahahahahaha!  (Laughs very loudly while leaving)

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face the computer; softly) Heh, heh, heh, ya weirdo.  (Types for a few moments before the cell phone rings; Sibling 2 checks the caller ID, frowns slightly, and answers) Hello?

Voice: Hi, this is the ---- ----, calling to let you know that we had a gas leak this afternoon and have to shut down for the next few days, so we unfortunately have to reschedule your appointment tonight.

Sibling 2: Oh yeah, of course – is everyone there all right?

Voice: Oh yes, we’re all fine, thank you: no explosions, so that’s always a plus.  (Sibling 2 double-takes) Does same time next Thursday work for you?

Sibling 2: Umm, let me check…. (Checks a calendar on the phone) That day’s out for me; is the following Saturday morning open?

Voice: …Yes, I can put you in for 10:00.

Sibling 2: Perfect, thanks!  And, good luck with the leak and all that.

Voice: Thank you – we’ll need it.

Sibling 2: What?  (Call ends; Sibling 2 puts away the phone, then briefly runs fingers through longer hair) Just another week won’t do much, right?

NEXT SATURDAY

Voice: (From the speaker of Sibling 2’s cell phone) Hello, this is the ---- ----, how may I help you?

Sibling 2: (Sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning exhaustedly against the toilet, and speaking hoarsely in the general direction of the cell phone on the floor nearby) Hi, I had a 10:00 appointment today –

Voice: “Had”?!

Sibling 2: Yeah, and either I ate poison last night or someone evil at work is spreading the stomach bug undercover, but whatever it was woke me up at 5 a.m. and hasn’t let me be since.

Voice: Yes, well, don’t come in here, then!

Sibling 2: …That’s why I’m calling.

Voice: Of course.

Sibling 2: (Tries to re-tie hair back with a rubber band but the shorter strands keep slipping out) Can we reschedule for next Saturday, please?

Voice: Let’s see… no, unfortunately that’s all booked.  Can you do another weeknight?

Sibling 2: (Rubs eyes and scrunches face in thought) Uh, yeah, how about Wednesday?  I should be all clear of this by then.

Voice: …Yes!  I can put you in for 5:30.

Sibling 2: (Gets a panicked look) Yeah-that’s-great-thanks-bye!  (Tries and misses hitting the hang-up button on the phone right before stomach bug loudly returns)

Voice: …Bye.  Gross.  (Calls ends)

NEXT MONTH

(At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey!  Everything all right?

Sibling 2: (Wearing a bulging baseball cap) No.  Can I come in?

Sibling 1: Of course!  (Lets in Sibling 2 and shuts the door) What’s wrong?

Sibling 2: (As they both walk into the living room) Sorry to drop in like this, but it felt ridiculous to say over the phone, and I’ve been driving all around and don’t know who else to go to who wouldn’t laugh in my face when they heard the story, and this has gone on so long that I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!

Sibling 1: All right, calm down; you’re starting to sound hysterical, and I’m the only one of us allowed to do that.

Sibling 2: I know!  (Collapses onto the couch and covers face with hands)

Sibling 1: (Sits next to Sibling 2) Sooooooo – what’s the matter?

Sibling 2: (Uncovers face) You remember how I was supposed to get my hair cut over a month ago, and it was starting to get long then?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah – we really haven’t seen each since then?  Wow.

Sibling 2: Yeah, sorry about that; time passing me by clearly has become a bad habit with me lately.

Sibling 1: Eh, I forgot about you for a while, too.

Sibling 2: Anyway, the place had a gas leak, and then I had a stomach bug, and then the staff went on strike, and then we had that freak blizzard, and then I had to go to that wake, and then the staff went on strike again, and then –

Sibling 1: Whoa, whoa, wait; are you saying you still haven’t gotten your hair cut in all that time?!

(Sibling 2 looks embarrassedly at Sibling 1, then takes off the cap; long silvery tresses tumble out)

Sibling 1: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sibling 2 glares) Sorry – I know I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t laugh in your face; I just didn’t expect such… flowing locks.  (Gently pets the mane) It’s really soft.

Sibling 2: (Shakes off Sibling 1) Knock it off!  This has gotten so out of control, and appointments keep getting cancelled over and over and over, and every day there’s more hair, hair, everywhere, I almost wanna cry!

Sibling 1: OK, well, I’m sure another hair salon or barber shop can take care of it – just find a walk-in one and wait.

Sibling 2: I tried!  None of the ones around here take walk-ins; they’re appointment-only!  I feel like I’m cursed by inconvenient scheduling!

Sibling 1: Really?  Not one?  That’s odd.

Sibling 2: You’re telling me!  And now my hair’s so long I can’t cut it myself without it looking even worse!

Sibling 1: (Starts fiddling with the ends) Oh, I wouldn’t say that – I’m sure a chainsaw would do just fine.

Sibling 2: (Buries face in hands again) It’s catching on everything!

Sibling 1: (Thinks for a bit) Want me to braid it?

Sibling 2: (Looks coldly at Sibling 1) I want you to cut it!

Sibling 1: (In realization) Ohhhhh.  But it looks good this way.

Sibling 2: I DON’T CARE!

Sibling 1: Rude.  (Stands and holds out an arm toward the hallway) OK, then: step into my parlor.

Sibling 2: (Stomps to the bathroom, muttering) So embarrassing; I need to ask my own family to cut my hair like I’m a five-year-old –

Sibling 1: (Following) If nothing else, it’s certainly cheaper.

(Later in the bathroom, Sibling 2 with wet hair sits on a chair back up against the sink, which is covered in paper towels; Sibling 1 enters wearing a lead apron and carrying a toolbox)

Sibling 1: All right, Rapunzel, we begin with the pruning shears.  (Quickly snaps them open and shut to demonstrate)

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1’s wrist) No-no-no!  Regular scissors only!

Sibling 1: But those are my good scissors.

Sibling 2: They’ll survive!

Sibling 1: (Grumbles while setting down the shears and going to kitchen) Picky, picky, picky – it’s not like I’d lop off an ear, I know what I’m doing….

Sibling 2: (Yells toward the door) I doubt it!

Sibling 1: (Returns with a pair of scissors) OK, customer-is-always-right, where do you want me to start?

Sibling 2: Just chop off the big chunks first and then trim from there!

Sibling 1: Got it.  (Sibling 2 leans back as Sibling 1 combs and smooths out the hair) You know, even with all the grays, you’ve really got good color and volume.

Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) Thanks.

Sibling 1: Just saying, people who are prematurely bald or lost their hair in other ways would love to have –

Sibling 2: Would-you-just-get-on-with-it?!

Sibling 1: Fine.  (Readies the scissors) You asked for it.

Sibling 1: Huh?

<SNIP!>

ONE HOUR LATER

(Sibling 2 is standing in front of the sink and facing the mirror while finishing shaving hair to a fine fuzz)

Sibling 2: (Sets the razor on the counter, grabs a towel, and vigorously rubs head with it until most of the extra pieces are gone) There!  Now it’s even!

Sibling 1: (Watching from the doorway) Hey, I never claimed to have a cosmetology license.

Sibling 2: No, but you can measure two sides so that they’re even, yes?

Sibling 1: No.

Sibling 2: Well, it’s finally done, and I’m free from all… this!  (Rubs smooth head and neck all around, then snatches up all the paper towels filled with the locks of hair, briefly holding them out to Sibling 1) Here’s your chance – want it?

Sibling 1: No thank you.

Sibling 2: (Dumps the paper towels holding hair into the garbage can) And now, I’m going back to my life without unwanted hair dragging me down!  And if I hear one more comment at work about how I was a flower child reject, I’m gonna start giving all of them free haircuts!  (Walks past Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: Ahem.

Sibling 2: (Turns back) Oh yeah, thanks for all your help, you’ve been a real pal, I’ve gotta go send in my taxes now before I get fined forever, talk to you later, bye!  (Runs out the front door)

Sibling 1: (Shakes head in resignation) I expect too much, I suppose.  (Cleans up the rest of the hair mess and is carrying the toolbox back to the coat closet when loud banging is heard at the front door; Sibling 1 sets down the toolbox and slowly opens the door) I’m sorry, but the salon is closed for the day.

Sibling 2: Hilarious – could you grab my cap that I left on the couch, please?

Sibling 1: Why, whatever could you need it for, now that you’re so “free”?

Sibling 2: Because it’s still winter outside and now my head is freezing!

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!