Story 456: Did Not Expect This Meeting to Go in That Direction

(In a private office, Manager sits at the desk straightening random pieces of paper when there is a knock on the door)

Manager: Come on in!  (Employee enters with a swagger) Have a seat!  (Manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk)

Employee: Thanks.  (Strolls over to the chair and sits extremely casually)

Manager: So!  (Folds hands on the desk) You’re probably wondering why I asked that we meet today.

Employee: (Glances to the left of Manager while resting an arm on the back of the chair) Well, since there’s an H.R. rep. joining us –

H.R. Rep.: (Standing to the left of Manager) Howdy.

Employee: – I assume it’s about the supervisor position I applied for.

Manager: Oh yeah, everyone applied for that – if I wasn’t already as far as I could go in this piddling department, I’d’ve applied for it myself, heh-heh-heh.

Employee: Heh-heh, yeeeeaaaahhh…. (Checks fingernails and sighs in contentment) Soooo…?

Manager: Hm?  Oh, right: as you probably guessed by now, you didn’t get it.

Employee: (Jaw drops open and everything droops) What?!  Why not?!

Manager: I’m not legally obligated to tell you that.

Employee: Then as a favor from one human being to another!  I meet all the requirements for the job, I’ve been with the company for over 15 years, I even work overtime without being asked – what else could you all possibly be looking for that I don’t already have?!

Manager: Well….

H.R. Rep.: Allow me to step in here.

Manager: (Relieved) Please do.

H.R. Rep.: (Steps closer to Employee, who instinctively leans back in the chair) Frankly, it’s not us or the position requirements: it’s you.

Employee: (Blinks a few times) I don’t follow.

H.R. Rep.: This new role would have you supervising 20 of your current coworkers and, to be blunt, none of them like you.

Employee: That’s ridiculous!  I get along with everybody!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults a tablet) There’ve been several complaints lodged against you in the past few years –

Employee: Which were resolved amicably and we all work together splendidly now!  Some of my best friends are my coworkers!

H.R. Rep.: There’s a complaint currently in progress that was lodged right before you applied for the new position.

Employee: That one’s just being a pill – I should be the one lodging a complaint against… what’s-their-name, for wasting my time!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You’ve also been written up at regular intervals for “inappropriate use of company equipment.”

Employee: What on Earth does that even mean?!

H.R. Rep.: Using the company’s Wi-Fi network to check your social media accounts and shop online.

Employee: Oh.  Well, when else am I supposed to do all that when I’m always working overtime?!

Manager: (Leans forward) No one asked you to!

Employee: (Leans forward) I’M A GOOD TEAM PLAYER!

H.R. Rep.: Speaking of which – (Consults the tablet again) you’ve been noted on several annual evaluations to basically leave coworkers on group projects to do your work in addition to theirs while you go off on frequent vacations or say you’re too busy doing what turns out to be lower priority tasks.

Employee: …It was just that one time!

Manager: It’s been every time!

Employee: (Points finger at Manager) Listen: I am extremely busy, I have so many plates in the air, who are you to tell me – (Points finger at self) what’s “high” and “low” priority?!

Manager: As your manager, it is literally my job to tell you what to do!

Employee: (Raises an eyebrow and leans back again while muttering) Pushy.

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You also –

Employee: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to anyway: if you’re just going to list my supposed sins and go on about how suddenly no one wants to work with me, with the bottom line being I’m still not getting the position, then I have better things to do right now and a concert ticket sale for which I am losing my spot in the queue with every passing second!

H.R. Rep.: (Shares a look with Manager) Yeah, the other part of this meeting is: the new position requires more from the department’s budget, so we have to cut a full-time employee to make up for that and decided you’re it.

Employee: (Glares at both of them for several moments) Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Manager: (Stands; Employee does the same) You’ll have two weeks to finish up any outstanding projects and leave notes for all the others who have to pick up whatever slack you haven’t already left them, so don’t spend that time – (Leans over to read from the tablet H.R. Rep. holds out) catfishing people on dating sites, or running your online poker tournament, or cyberbullying the temps into doing your monthly reports for you!

Employee: (Sneers at both while heading to the door) Oh, you know I’m gonna!

H.R. Rep.: Well that certainly makes this decision much easier – we may need to have Security escort you out, then.

Employee: Good, I need the excitement in my life!

H.R. Rep.: Oh, and one more thing –

Employee: (Hand on the doorknob) What now?!

H.R. Rep.: As you're still technically a current employee, I’m required to wish you a Happy Labor Day Weekend.

Employee: …Yeah, you too.

Story 281: Black Market Vacation Hours

            (In an office)

            Co-Worker 1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst!  Did you read the e-mail from Corporate yet?

            Co-Worker 2: (Continuously types) Which one?  There’ve been thousands.

            Co-Worker 1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?

            Co-Worker 2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?

            Co-Worker 1: Yes!  How could they do that to us?!

            Co-Worker 2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time?  What scumbags.

            Co-Worker 1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then taking it away if we don’t use it!  That’s unconstitutional!

           Co-Worker 2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late 18^th century.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!

            Co-Worker 2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”

           Co-Worker 1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo?  I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!

            Co-Worker 2: …Take a vacation?

            Co-Worker 1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious.  I can’t take a day off until maybe September, and only if everything goes according to plan.

           Co-Worker 2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American workers.  (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker 1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them instead?

            Co-Worker 1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I might actually need some of those at this point.

            Co-Worker 2: I’m not talking about that.  (Writes a name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this person.

            Co-Worker 1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from Human Resources?

            Co-Worker 2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.

            Co-Worker 1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.

         (Several hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials the number)

            Voice: Maintenance.

            Co-Worker 1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….

            Voice: You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?

           Co-Worker 1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about (Winks some more).

            Voice: Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Winks again, then shakes head)

            Voice: One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?

            Co-Worker 1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.

            Voice: Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!

            Co-Worker 1: That’s none of your business!  (Slams down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.

           (A little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room; several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)

           Co-Worker 1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one) Afternoon.  (Knocks on the door, which opens after several seconds)

            Engineer: Yes?

            Co-Worker 1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks exaggeratedly)

           Engineer: Get in here.  (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)

            Co-Worker 1: Are they – ?

            Engineer: Customers, yeah.  Had to get the word out while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?

          Engineer: Sit down.  (Points to a chair in front of a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours are you willing to part with?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and give up the rest.

            Engineer (Nods and types) What’s your employee number?

            Co-Worker 1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed to tell anyone that….

            Engineer: I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.

         Co-Worker 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking into H.R.’s database?

           Engineer: How else did you think was gonna work?  (Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.

            Engineer: This is under the table.  Now are you going through with it or not?  I’ve got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.

            Co-Worker 1: Really?

         Engineer: Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make judgements, just transactions.  So, are we doing this within the next five minutes?  I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me if I’m late again.

            Co-Worker 1: (Nods definitively) All right.  Let’s do this.  My employee number’s --------.

            Engineer: (Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine who needs how many.  The deductions will happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see the number drop down slowly.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.

            Engineer: I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last installment, your choice.

           Co-Worker 1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying me?  But the hours are from the company!

           Engineer: Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours!  We’re not about to double dip here: that would be wrong.

            Co-Worker 1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –

            Engineer: You certainly didn’t.  Now make up your mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you for it!

          Co-Worker 1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the money.

            Engineer: Say what now?

         Co-Worker 1: Just give them my hours!  That’s all I really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation option.

            Engineer: (Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want.  (Mutters) Weirdo.

          Co-Worker 1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all this.  (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.

          Engineer: (Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.

            Co-Worker 1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the record.

            Engineer: This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with me.  (Files form in a cabinet drawer filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Stands quickly and heads to the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.

            Engineer: (Resumes typing) Ha!  Those saps out there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!

            Co-Worker 1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess.  (Opens door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them) I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.

Story 226: Tunnel Vision at the Workplace

            The employee stared at the spreadsheet on the screen in front of her, wondering how on Earth to reconcile the columns of numbers there with the columns of numbers that she previously had been given.  The data had not changed in the meantime, so this certainly was a puzzler.

           To take a quick break and hope the math would resolve itself, she checked the e-mail messages that she had ignored for the past two hours during the vain attempt to finish this project.

            Ten new messages – oh boy.  Most of them would be meaningless.

         One did catch her attention: Emergency Mandatory Meeting at 10:00 a.m. in the Blue Conference Room.  She shifted her eyes to the bottom right of the screen and saw the time was now 11:47 a.m.  Oops.  Oh well, no other related messages; can’t have been that important.

           She unwillingly returned to wading in the sea of numbers and saw at last what needed to be done: she proceeded to do it, in triumph.

            An hour later, one of her co-workers stopped by on her way to lunch: “Wow, can you believe what’s going on?  I mean, I just, there are no words.”

          Not wanting to admit that she had not attended the meeting that required attendance, she noncommittally replied with: “I hear ya.”

            “You’re not kidding.”

            She buried her head in a random file folder to signal that she was significantly busy and had no time for idle chit-chat about important issues; the other employee took the rude hint and looked for other company with which to share the misery.

           The employee stared at the papers in the folder and could not believe her eyes: How could such a glaring typo have been included in this policy for… eight years?!  And no one noticed it!?  Now it’s going to have to go through committee review all over again; who knows what else is wrong with it?!  The worst part of the whole thing was that she was the one who had written it.

            She was engrossed in cross-outs, inserts, and transpositions when her phone interrupted: “Yes, what is it?” she answered with her standard greeting.

            “Can you believe what’s going on?  I’m beside myself.  I mean, can you believe it?”

            She quickly reviewed her options and went with: “No.”

            “I know, right?  So, any ideas on what you’re going to do about it?”

            Another unnecessary apostrophe?!  Son of a – “Listen, I can’t talk right now, I’ve gotta go.”

            “Ooooh, I understand, say no more.  Good luck!”

          She hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment: Should I start being concerned about whatever it is everyone else seems to know and I don’t?  That was overridden by the shame in seeing her correction-riddled document, which she originally thought she had written so well.  If I had messed up so badly with that, what else in life have I messed up without knowing it?!

            “Hey.”  She looked up from the cross-referenced papers to see her manager standing next to the desk.  “Got a minute?”

            Not really; there is too much to be done and too much is at stake.  “Sure – what’s up?”

            He sat on the edge of the desk, threatening her precarious piles.  “You know, what they said at the meeting today, that affects all of us.”

            “…Yes?”

        “And, frankly, we’re not certain what’s going to happen down the road, and everyone’s worried.”

            “…Yes?”

            “Is there anything you’d like to talk about, with me or with Human Resources?”

            “…No?”

            He raised his eyebrows at her.  “‘No?’”

            “No.”

          “Wow.  OK.  Then I guess there’s nothing left to discuss here.”  He stood to leave, then hovered again.  “You know, I’m actually a bit surprised – I figured you of all people would’ve had a few choice words to say about all this.”

            “Well, you know me.”  She looked back down at her papers.

            “What?”

            “What?”  She looked back up at him again.

            “Never mind.”  And he finally left.

          She went back to tearing her work apart when a new e-mail caught her eye: Please meet with Human Resources and your manager at 3:00 p.m.  That was in five minutes, and it would take five minutes to walk down there.

            Oh, bother.  She threw her pencil and papers onto the desk and stalked all the way to H.R.  How am I ever supposed to get any work done around here with all these interruptions?!