(In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)
Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?
Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.
Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh]. (Appears momentarily deflated)
Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.
Manager: …I’m sorry, what?
Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa. They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.
Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.
Employee 1: Intra.
Manager: What?
Employee 1: Never mind – why not?
Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive. And obnoxious.
Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.
Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?
Employee 1: Is that an order?
Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.
Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.
Manager: Please do. (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk. Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.
Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.
Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise. (Dashes away)
Employee 1:
(Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the
great adventure begin….
SIX MONTHS LATER
(In a conference room)
Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions? (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?
Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.
Employee 2: No?
Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!
Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else? (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me. (No one moves) Bye. (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.
Employee 1: They did.
Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah. (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?
Employee 1: No.
Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?
Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.
Employee 2: Aw, thanks.
Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.
Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.
Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.
Employee 2: …Thanks?
Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me. I can tell you anything, and you understand completely. We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.
Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?
Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.
Employee 2: You know I’m married!
Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?
Employee 2: No! I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!
Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?
Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss? Yes. I don’t regret anything. Except this conversation.
Employee 1: (Nods) I understand. (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?
Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.
Employee 1: Very well. Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.
Employee 2: I’ll
manage my disappointment somehow.
(Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come
from?! I think we’ve spoken twice in all
the time I’ve been here!
SIX MONTHS LATER
(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)
Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send. Another report down; 639 to go.
Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?
Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah. (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?
Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.
Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.
Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.
Employee 5: …Sorry?
Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.
Employee 5: …Huh?
Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.
Employee 5: …What?
Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.
Employee 5: …Eh?
Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?
Employee 5: …Who?
(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)
Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?
Employee 5: …Yes?
Manager: Good. (Points to Employee 1) You. In my office. Now. (Leaves)
Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it. Farewell, The One Who Got Away. (Strides out purposefully)
Employee 5: …Where?
(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)
Manager: Close the door.
Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.
Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit. (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?
Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?
H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.
Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.
Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!
Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?
Manager: I’m not a judge!
Employee 1: Oh. Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.
Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!
H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.
Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!
Employee 1: Very well. I will begin my apology tour at once. (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.
H.R. Representative: Excellent. (Starts typing on a tablet)
Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?
Manager: Please do.
Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –
Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!
Employee 1: Never mind. (Leaves)
H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?
Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.