Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possibly explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.

Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 236: Unnecessary Detours

            Captain’s Log, Sol Date 5032018: In desperate need, I have made the drastic decision to take the ship back in time, to Earth of the early 21^st century.  Let it be noted in the log that I would not have done this if there had been any other alternative – however, time is of the essence and the only way to complete our mission, and just possibly save the galaxy, is to go back in it.  Time, I mean, not the galaxy.  Computer, delete those last two sentences, I want to rephrase that.

            Computer: Unable to comply: all audio recording is permanent, so get it right the first time.

            Snippy.  Therefore, I and the ship’s Navigator have found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the continent of North America at some point in the first half of the year two thousand and eighteen.  We approximated our landing close to the coordinates of our goal; however, it was not close enough so we have been compelled to commandeer local transportation.

           (In a four-door sedan covered in motley bumper stickers, the Captain and the Navigator travel through the expanses of suburbia)

            Navigator: (Looking at a hand-held computer) There should be a hard turn to port here, sir.

            Captain: (Driving) Negative – that’s a resident’s landing strip.  Keep searching, Lieutenant.

          Navigator: Aye-aye, Captain.  (Looks down the road) There appears to be a sign that states “Detour” directly off the starboard bow, sir.

            Captain: All engines, full reverse!

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, you have complete navigational control of this vehicle.

           Captain: Ah yes.  (Slams on the brakes; the cars behind them screech to a halt and blare their horns.  The Captain rolls down the window) At ease, citizens of Earth!

            Navigator: I also should point out, Captain –

        Captain: Yes Lieutenant, feel free to speak, what’s on your mind, don’t hold back vital information, out with it!

            Navigator: – by following the directions posted on such signs, we still should be able to arrive at our intended destination.  According to my calculations, sir.

            Captain: Very well, then: so that we do not miss any of these “Detour” signs, we will proceed at one-quarter impulse.  (Proceeds at 15 mph below the speed limit, with a line of angry, honking drivers behind them)

         Captain’s Log: Supplemental.  We have located several signs containing the same word “Detour” that appear to be leading us to our intended destination, albeit in a circuitous manner –

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, that is literally what we had just discussed five minutes ago.

            Captain: I am catching the audience up after the commercial break, Lieutenant!

            Navigator: Aye, sir.

          Sign after sign appears on our trajectory, yet we seem to be no closer to our goal.  Plus the Navigator lately has been getting on my nerves.

            Navigator: Sir, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that you are close to passing the next sign.

            Captain: Got it!  (Cuts across two lanes of traffic to turn from the highway onto a side street, nearly causing five accidents and almost bottoming out) Well, this is a peaceful stretch of space.

            Navigator: (Shaking) It is now, sir.  (Checks computer) Our destination lies within this next starboard turn.

            Captain: At last, we can finally embark upon our mission.  (Turns the car right and is faced with a “Road Closed” sign.  Stops the car and faces the Navigator) Did we miss a sign back there?

          Navigator: (Still checking the computer) No, they all led to this point in the space-time continuum – oh.

             Captain: I do not like to hear “Oh,” Lieutenant.

           Navigator: If I am understanding the data correctly, sir, I believe that first “Detour” sign was meant for those travelers who wanted to arrive at this end of the street.

            Captain: Explain.

            Navigator: I remember there was a second sign underneath it that stated we could reach our destination on this street but that a bridge was impassable, so I presumed the intention was that we could reach our destination after navigating through the detours.  Now, however, I believe the intention was that we still could reach our destination by entering that end of the street.

            Captain: …And the detour was only if we had wanted to get to this end of the street.  (Slumps head onto the steering wheel)

          Navigator: I assume full responsibility for this error, Captain, although I think that all the time travelling we do regularly has begun to affect my judgement –

            Captain: (Sits up again and begins turning the car around, narrowly avoiding two mailboxes and a random dog) You will not berate yourself, Lieutenant!  As the senior officer, I assume full responsibility for every single action of every soul under my command, no matter who messed up what where when why and how!  (Lurches the car forward) Besides, it was a mistake anyone from a different time period could have made, don’t blame yourself, all that matters is we’re safe and that we complete our mission, and get on the sidewalk, pedestrian!  (The car reverses its course through the streets)

            Navigator: Sir, what if we have lost so much time doing all this that we are now too late to save the ship?  And the galaxy?

            Captain: Well that’s the great thing about time travel, isn’t it?  There’s no such thing as “too late,” because we can always just go back and do it all over again!

Story 203: This Classic Is Not How I Remember It

            “Oh this is neat,” Friend 1 said to Friend 2 as they read different sections of the newspaper in the kitchen.  “They’re re-releasing Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space for its 30^th anniversary this week.  Wow, it’s already 30 years old?  That’s… kind of depressing.  Still, it’s a classic.”

            Friend 2 did not even look up from the comics section.  “Heh.  I’m sure it is.”

            Friend 1 froze.  “What do you mean?”

            Friend 2 still did not look up.  “I guess it’s considered a classic – I wouldn’t know, I never saw it.”

            Friend 1’s heart almost stopped: “You mean to tell me, that you grew up in this country, had a financially comfortable childhood with access to technology whenever you wanted, had literally decades to watch all the movies that have ever been made since the invention of the medium, and not once have you seen Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space?!!”

            Friend 2 finally looked up, if only to end the conversation.  “Hey, there are a lot of movies made all the time – I think they’re close to rivaling insects in outnumbering us.  Besides, I just never felt like sitting through that one.”

            “Never felt – !  We’re going on Tuesday.”

            “Sure, but you’re paying for my ticket.”

            On Tuesday….

          “Could you do me a favor?”  Friend 2 asked Friend 1 as they sat next to each other in the movie theater.  “Could you not anticipate important lines or plot twists while we’re watching this?”

          “But of course.  I want you to savor the experience just as much as I did when I first saw it, back when I was a wee tot.”

            “This is rated R.”

            “OK, maybe not that wee.”

            “And I don’t care about savoring the experience: I just don’t want to hear you muttering in my ear while I’m trying to get through the next two and a half hours that I still can’t believe I’m giving up to sit through this.”

            “Giving up – ?  Don’t speak to me.”

            The lights dimmed, the 20 minutes of trailers and soda ads paraded across the screen, and the main event began.

            “I didn’t know this was a documentary,” Friend 2 whispered to Friend 1.

            “It’s not,” Friend 1 whispered back.  “This is a ‘Making Of’ bit I guess they decided to stick in front of the film for maximum appreciation of the piece.”

            “Oh.  That’s confusingly tedious for newbs like me.”

            “Shh!”

           The director concluded the short with: “So now, at long last, all of you out there in the audience will finally get to experience my true vision of the film on the big screen, as it always should have been.  Enjoy me sticking it to the studio, my friends!”

            Friend 1 nearly choked on the popcorn.

            “What?”  Friend 2 whisper-asked.

          “This is the Director’s Cut?!”  Friend 1 panicked.  “I didn’t know this was going to be the Director’s Cut!”

            “Well yeah, it was plastered all over the posters – how could I be the one who noticed that and you, the “fan,” didn’t?  Anyway, doesn’t that just mean we get extra scenes or something added to the classic that all you nerds love?”

            Friend 1 turned to Friend 2: “The classic was the original version; the Director’s Cut turned it into an illogical, disgusting mess.  You have my permission to walk out right now.”

         Friend 2 settled in as the credits rolled.  “Nah, I think I’ll stick around – this just got interesting.”

            Twenty minutes in: “Are those two divorced?”  Friend 2 asked.

            “No, they’re brother and sister.”

            “Oh.  How come that isn’t clear in the version with extra dialogue in it?”

            “It got lost in that inserted space battle that went nowhere and did nothing.”

            Forty minutes in: “Wait a minutes, isn’t that guy dead?”

            “Yes.  Yes he is.”

            “Then why is on the asteroid now?”

            “Exactly.”

          An hour and a half in: “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that level of gore was a bit unnecessary.  Did the original version tone that murder down a bit?”

            “There was no murder.  This sub-plot didn’t exist and the victim’s scenes were cut.”

          “Oh.  That explains why all of these characters seem like they’re in a different movie.  Ah, there goes another head!  Are you all right?”

            “I’m fine, just trying not to throw up.”

            The finale: “Now who is this chick?  The director’s daughter?”

           “Yes – he wanted an unhappy ending and the cast refused to film it because it was too gross and sad, so he used her.”

           “Wow.  That’s messed up when the people being paid to listen to you stop listening to you.  Wait, it’s over?”

            “He ran out of money before finishing the new ending.”

            “How did the original end, then?”

            “Twenty minutes ago, when the good guys showed the bad guys how not to be bad anymore and they all went to live on that moon together.”

            “Yeah, he should’ve ended it there.  Man, that would’ve made it such a classic!”