Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 236: Unnecessary Detours

            Captain’s Log, Sol Date 5032018: In desperate need, I have made the drastic decision to take the ship back in time, to Earth of the early 21^st century.  Let it be noted in the log that I would not have done this if there had been any other alternative – however, time is of the essence and the only way to complete our mission, and just possibly save the galaxy, is to go back in it.  Time, I mean, not the galaxy.  Computer, delete those last two sentences, I want to rephrase that.

            Computer: Unable to comply: all audio recording is permanent, so get it right the first time.

            Snippy.  Therefore, I and the ship’s Navigator have found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the continent of North America at some point in the first half of the year two thousand and eighteen.  We approximated our landing close to the coordinates of our goal; however, it was not close enough so we have been compelled to commandeer local transportation.

           (In a four-door sedan covered in motley bumper stickers, the Captain and the Navigator travel through the expanses of suburbia)

            Navigator: (Looking at a hand-held computer) There should be a hard turn to port here, sir.

            Captain: (Driving) Negative – that’s a resident’s landing strip.  Keep searching, Lieutenant.

          Navigator: Aye-aye, Captain.  (Looks down the road) There appears to be a sign that states “Detour” directly off the starboard bow, sir.

            Captain: All engines, full reverse!

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, you have complete navigational control of this vehicle.

           Captain: Ah yes.  (Slams on the brakes; the cars behind them screech to a halt and blare their horns.  The Captain rolls down the window) At ease, citizens of Earth!

            Navigator: I also should point out, Captain –

        Captain: Yes Lieutenant, feel free to speak, what’s on your mind, don’t hold back vital information, out with it!

            Navigator: – by following the directions posted on such signs, we still should be able to arrive at our intended destination.  According to my calculations, sir.

            Captain: Very well, then: so that we do not miss any of these “Detour” signs, we will proceed at one-quarter impulse.  (Proceeds at 15 mph below the speed limit, with a line of angry, honking drivers behind them)

         Captain’s Log: Supplemental.  We have located several signs containing the same word “Detour” that appear to be leading us to our intended destination, albeit in a circuitous manner –

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, that is literally what we had just discussed five minutes ago.

            Captain: I am catching the audience up after the commercial break, Lieutenant!

            Navigator: Aye, sir.

          Sign after sign appears on our trajectory, yet we seem to be no closer to our goal.  Plus the Navigator lately has been getting on my nerves.

            Navigator: Sir, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that you are close to passing the next sign.

            Captain: Got it!  (Cuts across two lanes of traffic to turn from the highway onto a side street, nearly causing five accidents and almost bottoming out) Well, this is a peaceful stretch of space.

            Navigator: (Shaking) It is now, sir.  (Checks computer) Our destination lies within this next starboard turn.

            Captain: At last, we can finally embark upon our mission.  (Turns the car right and is faced with a “Road Closed” sign.  Stops the car and faces the Navigator) Did we miss a sign back there?

          Navigator: (Still checking the computer) No, they all led to this point in the space-time continuum – oh.

             Captain: I do not like to hear “Oh,” Lieutenant.

           Navigator: If I am understanding the data correctly, sir, I believe that first “Detour” sign was meant for those travelers who wanted to arrive at this end of the street.

            Captain: Explain.

            Navigator: I remember there was a second sign underneath it that stated we could reach our destination on this street but that a bridge was impassable, so I presumed the intention was that we could reach our destination after navigating through the detours.  Now, however, I believe the intention was that we still could reach our destination by entering that end of the street.

            Captain: …And the detour was only if we had wanted to get to this end of the street.  (Slumps head onto the steering wheel)

          Navigator: I assume full responsibility for this error, Captain, although I think that all the time travelling we do regularly has begun to affect my judgement –

            Captain: (Sits up again and begins turning the car around, narrowly avoiding two mailboxes and a random dog) You will not berate yourself, Lieutenant!  As the senior officer, I assume full responsibility for every single action of every soul under my command, no matter who messed up what where when why and how!  (Lurches the car forward) Besides, it was a mistake anyone from a different time period could have made, don’t blame yourself, all that matters is we’re safe and that we complete our mission, and get on the sidewalk, pedestrian!  (The car reverses its course through the streets)

            Navigator: Sir, what if we have lost so much time doing all this that we are now too late to save the ship?  And the galaxy?

            Captain: Well that’s the great thing about time travel, isn’t it?  There’s no such thing as “too late,” because we can always just go back and do it all over again!

Story 203: This Classic Is Not How I Remember It

            “Oh this is neat,” Friend 1 said to Friend 2 as they read different sections of the newspaper in the kitchen.  “They’re re-releasing Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space for its 30^th anniversary this week.  Wow, it’s already 30 years old?  That’s… kind of depressing.  Still, it’s a classic.”

            Friend 2 did not even look up from the comics section.  “Heh.  I’m sure it is.”

            Friend 1 froze.  “What do you mean?”

            Friend 2 still did not look up.  “I guess it’s considered a classic – I wouldn’t know, I never saw it.”

            Friend 1’s heart almost stopped: “You mean to tell me, that you grew up in this country, had a financially comfortable childhood with access to technology whenever you wanted, had literally decades to watch all the movies that have ever been made since the invention of the medium, and not once have you seen Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space?!!”

            Friend 2 finally looked up, if only to end the conversation.  “Hey, there are a lot of movies made all the time – I think they’re close to rivaling insects in outnumbering us.  Besides, I just never felt like sitting through that one.”

            “Never felt – !  We’re going on Tuesday.”

            “Sure, but you’re paying for my ticket.”

            On Tuesday….

          “Could you do me a favor?”  Friend 2 asked Friend 1 as they sat next to each other in the movie theater.  “Could you not anticipate important lines or plot twists while we’re watching this?”

          “But of course.  I want you to savor the experience just as much as I did when I first saw it, back when I was a wee tot.”

            “This is rated R.”

            “OK, maybe not that wee.”

            “And I don’t care about savoring the experience: I just don’t want to hear you muttering in my ear while I’m trying to get through the next two and a half hours that I still can’t believe I’m giving up to sit through this.”

            “Giving up – ?  Don’t speak to me.”

            The lights dimmed, the 20 minutes of trailers and soda ads paraded across the screen, and the main event began.

            “I didn’t know this was a documentary,” Friend 2 whispered to Friend 1.

            “It’s not,” Friend 1 whispered back.  “This is a ‘Making Of’ bit I guess they decided to stick in front of the film for maximum appreciation of the piece.”

            “Oh.  That’s confusingly tedious for newbs like me.”

            “Shh!”

           The director concluded the short with: “So now, at long last, all of you out there in the audience will finally get to experience my true vision of the film on the big screen, as it always should have been.  Enjoy me sticking it to the studio, my friends!”

            Friend 1 nearly choked on the popcorn.

            “What?”  Friend 2 whisper-asked.

          “This is the Director’s Cut?!”  Friend 1 panicked.  “I didn’t know this was going to be the Director’s Cut!”

            “Well yeah, it was plastered all over the posters – how could I be the one who noticed that and you, the “fan,” didn’t?  Anyway, doesn’t that just mean we get extra scenes or something added to the classic that all you nerds love?”

            Friend 1 turned to Friend 2: “The classic was the original version; the Director’s Cut turned it into an illogical, disgusting mess.  You have my permission to walk out right now.”

         Friend 2 settled in as the credits rolled.  “Nah, I think I’ll stick around – this just got interesting.”

            Twenty minutes in: “Are those two divorced?”  Friend 2 asked.

            “No, they’re brother and sister.”

            “Oh.  How come that isn’t clear in the version with extra dialogue in it?”

            “It got lost in that inserted space battle that went nowhere and did nothing.”

            Forty minutes in: “Wait a minutes, isn’t that guy dead?”

            “Yes.  Yes he is.”

            “Then why is on the asteroid now?”

            “Exactly.”

          An hour and a half in: “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that level of gore was a bit unnecessary.  Did the original version tone that murder down a bit?”

            “There was no murder.  This sub-plot didn’t exist and the victim’s scenes were cut.”

          “Oh.  That explains why all of these characters seem like they’re in a different movie.  Ah, there goes another head!  Are you all right?”

            “I’m fine, just trying not to throw up.”

            The finale: “Now who is this chick?  The director’s daughter?”

           “Yes – he wanted an unhappy ending and the cast refused to film it because it was too gross and sad, so he used her.”

           “Wow.  That’s messed up when the people being paid to listen to you stop listening to you.  Wait, it’s over?”

            “He ran out of money before finishing the new ending.”

            “How did the original end, then?”

            “Twenty minutes ago, when the good guys showed the bad guys how not to be bad anymore and they all went to live on that moon together.”

            “Yeah, he should’ve ended it there.  Man, that would’ve made it such a classic!”