(Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit at a café table with their hot drinks and sugary snacks)
Friend 1: (After a gulp of still-too-hot tea) I can’t believe I missed St. Patrick’s Day this year.
Friend 2: (Takes the time to bite into a muffin and enjoy it before answering) Why? It’s not like you ever go to any of the parades or excessively drink liquor or eat all the corned beef.
Friend 1: I know, but I forgot to get Irish soda bread and now none’ll be in stores for another 360 days, and I miss it.
Friend 2: You could always make it yourself.
(They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into hysterical laughter)
Friend 1: (Wipes away tears) Ho-ho, that was a good one.
Friend 2: Yeah, sometimes I even crack myself up. (Briefly checks a cell phone alert) Oh, I see I almost forgot, but my daily movie rewards membership notice made sure to remind me: that film you really want to see is coming out next week, so if you like I’ll get us tickets over the weekend and we can go Tuesday night around 7 or something.
Friend 1: (In mid-bite, confused) What movie I really want to see?
Friend 2: When Stars and Spaceships Collide. It’s finally coming out this weekend, after getting delayed for a year with the strikes and the director holding the final cut for ransom and all that.
Friend 1: (Finishes the bite) Oh, that movie. (Shrugs overly casually) Yeah, it sounded interesting but what makes you think I really want to see it?
Friend 2: Well, maybe not so much want to see it as want to see lead actor Chad Burlyman. (Friend 1 stares back) Your celebrity crush.
Friend 1: (Starts gobbling more of the snack and talks through a full mouth) Yeah, OK: I do not have a celebrity crush.
Friend 2: Right – you have several, and he’s one of them.
Friend 1: (Gulps down the snack and almost chokes) Listen: I had celebrity crushes in grade school, but I have since matured, and now I respect people strictly for their talent and hard work.
Friend 2: And you think he’s cute.
Friend 1: Ugh, “cute” is such a juvenile term. Babies are cute; this is a full-grown man.
Friend 2: OK, so you think he’s hot.
Friend 1: What, is he on fire?
Friend 2: Fine, you think he’s a stud muffin.
Friend 1: Ew, way to dehumanize a fellow human based on their appearance! (Friend 2 raises a skeptical eyebrow) Yes, I think he’s handsome, and I admire all the work he clearly puts into those strong-yet-not-intimidating muscles, but that’s all. (Downs the rest of the tea, burning both mouth and esophagus) Ouch.
Friend 2: So you like him.
Friend 1: Again, that’s extremely grade school, and undervalues his worth as a member of the human race. Besides, how can I like him; I don’t even know him! From what little I’ve read in interviews, he seems like a basically decent guy who’s close with his family and works with animal rescue organizations and had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the grades for it so fell into acting instead and likes parasailing and snowboarding, that’s it.
Friend 2: Uh-huh.
Friend 1: I mean, the whole idea of liking someone you’ve never met is ridiculous anyway: you know all about them, they don’t even know you’re alive; a bit one-sided, don’t you think?
Friend 2: (Finishes cooler drink and nods) Yep: it’s called a parasocial relationship.
Friend 1: Exactly! Psychosocial non-relationship.
Friend 2: Parasocial.
Friend 1: Same difference.
Friend 2: Whatever. I know you’re not a creepy stalker so it’s all right if you have a harmless crush on the guy. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if he knew; he’s probably used it and maybe even secretly craves the adoration.
Friend 1: I do not have a crush! (Customers at other tables momentarily turn to stare at the two; Friend 1 winces and ducks partially under the table, then hisses at Friend 2) I-just-think-he’s-a-good-actor-and-happen-to-like-every-movie-I’ve-seen-him-in-OK?!
Friend 2: Hey, it’s fine to go to a movie just to see one person – we’ve all done it. Remember that year I had to rent the entire back catalog of ----- --------s movies because I was so in luuuuuuv with him?
Friend 1: (Sitting back up straight) Oh yeah – I think the video store almost banned you for that stunt.
Friend 2: That they almost did. Totally worth it, though.
Friend 1: Well, you were still a teenager back then, and I’m not “in luuuuuuv” with Chad Burlyman – I haven’t even seen all his movies and TV shows and voiceover roles, so there!
Friend 2: You dragged me to see him do Hamlet when it was playing around here, and you hate Shakespeare.
Friend 1: And like I told you then, it was a once-in-a-lifetime cultural experience we would have regretted forever if we’d missed it!
Friend 2: Sure. I didn’t bring it up at the time, but I just had to now since it’s fun watching you double down on your denial.
Friend 1: (Daintily wipes mouth with a napkin, crumbles it up, and throws it onto the table) This has become tiresome. I will not continue defending myself against erroneous charges that I feel affection for a famous stranger more than is proper and/or healthy.
Friend 2: Fine – guess we’re skipping the movie then, if you don’t really care.
Friend 1: …Now, hold on: when did I ever say that?
Friend 2: Well, if you don’t like this guy as much as you claim you don’t, then it won’t bother you to skip the movie.
Friend 1: But – but – maybe I want to see the movie regardless who’s in it, hm?
Friend 2: You told me all the reviews said it was unimaginably awful and should never have been made in the first place!
Friend 1: Yes, well, I prefer to make up my own mind instead of following the sheeple, I-thank-you! And actually, it sounds like you’re the one who doesn’t want to see the movie, so maybe you should skip it, ha!
Friend 2: No way – I never miss a Chad Burlyman film, he’s the absolute cutest.
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