(At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)
Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.
Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?
Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!
Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing. (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!
Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying! (Slips and falls again)
Coach: You see! We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!
Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up. (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! (Claps hands twice in approval)
Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it! We’re done! Everybody pack up and go home!
(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)
Umpire: (To Coach) Hey! You don’t have the authority to make that decision!
Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision! (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)
Umpire: (Still
standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of
them. If they can’t handle a little precipitation
during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge
faces them, huh? (Is drenched by a
sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….
* * * * * * * * * * * *
(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)
Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree! (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile! (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace) I said “Smile”!
Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!
Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!
Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now! The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!
Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors! Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites! (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do. Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!
Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.
Child 1 and Child 2: Yay! (They splash back into the house)
Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.
Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring! Easter! Rebirth! April showers to bring out May flowers!
Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!
Parent 1: Well
that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)
Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?
Townsfolk 2: What?
Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.
Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.
Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.
Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.
(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)
Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?
Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?
Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?
Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.