Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore

 [Not based on a true story; I’m just on a Star Trek kick lately and this is a sort-of parody of those series]

(On the minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination: Unknown)

Captain: (Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive nothingness streaking by.  With a full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?  It’s March 14, 2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn another standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?  Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in where I note that it’s business as usual.  We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.  Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.  I mean, what is the point of all this anyway?  Discovery?  We’re not discovering anything – every planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh that’s nice!” and move on.  Anything else messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there, starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.  And don’t get me started on what goes on board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application; equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work gets done.  And if I have to sign one more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.

Lieutenant: (Has been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?

Captain: (Turns to Lieutenant) Yeah?

Lieutenant: I have a report for you to sign.

Captain: (Stares balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.

Computer: Log entry deleted.

Captain: (Takes the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.

Lieutenant: (Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to be your name at the bottom.

Captain: That’s because it isn’t.

Lieutenant: May I ask – ?

Captain: I’d rather you didn’t, but go ahead.

Lieutenant: What does “TL;DR” stand for?

Captain: (Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations like these, Ensign.

Lieutenant: …It’s Lieutenant, actually, Captain.

Captain (Brow furrows in confusion) Since when?

Lieutenant: Since you promoted me last year.

Captain: I did?  What for?

Lieutenant: I believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”

Captain: (Thinks for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.  (Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge crew) It was so rare.  (They duck their heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re you still hanging around for?

Lieutenant: I’m waiting to be dismissed, Captain.

Captain: You’re a full-grown adult, Lieutenant; you don’t need my permission to live.

Lieutenant: True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.

Captain: Ugh, enough of that nonsense.  (Taps another few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is obviously your Captain speaking.  New rule: when a conversion is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and if turns out we’re not finished then we’ll order you back.  Captain – OUT!  (Taps another button to turn off the intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)

Lieutenant: Oh, right – bye.  (Trots to the bridge lift to exit)

Captain: (Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a reason!  (Leans back in The Big Chair and starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put on a movie!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to navigate.

Captain: No you don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling them where we want to go.  And the viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.  (Pilot turns back to the controls, flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.

Computer: Accessing kitten cam feed.

(The starscape on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and overall being cute)

Captain: Heh-heh; sweet.  (Pops open the can’s tab with one hand and slurps the drink)

(An alert sounds)

Communications Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has suddenly appeared off our port bow!

Captain: (Nearly spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!  Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!

Communications Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a dramatic entrance, Captain!

Captain: Oh right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.

Communications Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!

Captain: (Drops the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!

Communications Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.

Captain: (Cracks jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.

Computer: Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.

(Kittens are replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)

General: Earth vessel –

Captain: (Head snaps from side to center) WHAT?!

General: (Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –

Captain: We know what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the hull.  (General is stunned into silence) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!

General: (Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to move along or we will bombard you with artillery!  And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s never a guarantee.

Captain: (Rolls eyes) We’re nowhere near your space – and besides, no one owns space, it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or where to be!

Pilot: (Turns around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters yesterday, this sector is now considered their space.

General: Aha!  You were told!  And we do so own it!

Captain: (Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in it right now?

Pilot: I may have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.

Captain: …If you even hint that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.  (Pilot turns back around and focuses intently on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)

General: Well, Captain?  Will you shove off or not?

Captain: (Leans back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?

General: “Inches”?

Captain: How far do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?

General: Oh, not far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.

Captain: (Eyes widen) Are you kidding me?!  Even at top speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!  And you only gave us 30 seconds!

General: Which have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.  (To off-screen crew) Blast `em to smithereens, good people! 

(Call abruptly ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from laser beams hitting it)

Captain: (Falls out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even working?!

Tactical Officer: The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so that’s something.

Captain: Unbelievable.

(Lieutenant re-enters the bridge from the lift)

Lieutenant: Captain!  (The latter whips around in The Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!

Captain: (Nearly falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real right now?!  Get outta here, and go wherever it is you nerds hide during fights like this!

Lieutenant: (Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t even know what I do here?!

Captain: No, and I don’t care and never will, nerd!

Lieutenant: (Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly) That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!  (Lift doors close on anguished triumph)

Captain: Cripes.  (Spaceship rocks the hardest it has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!  Fire back!

Tactical Officer: How so, Captain?  Lasers?  Bombs?  Sledgehammers?

Captain: (Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best judgement!

(Tactical Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which immediately shuts down)

Captain: What’d you do?!

Tactical Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.

Captain: (To self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.  (Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the bridge) So!  You were saying?

General: This is outrageous!  You not only trespass in our newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!  Once our homeworld hears about this abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!

Captain: Too bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal territory.

General: We were defending ours!

Captain: From what, our nonexistent exhaust?!

General: From your presence!  We don’t like you, and we don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!

Captain: Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.

General: But you were told!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair) We were told, Captain.

Captain: (To Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.  (To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.  Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.

General: WHAT?!

Computer: Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.

Captain: (Sighs and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!  (Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches General) Fine!  We’ll bring your crew over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.  Happy?!

General: No, but it’ll do.

Captain: Good, `cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.  (Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone looks confusedly at each other)

(Hours later, the two repaired ships part ways)

Captain: (Back on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.  [Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m writing up the entire crew for sass.  Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.  [Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.  I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who cares what I thought about the whole thing?  No amount of self-reflection’s gonna unscramble that egg, know-what-I-mean?  [Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.  (Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!  Nothing but net.

Pilot: (Turns around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again, but can I ask a question off the record?

Captain: (Opens another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer records everything like a spy so nothing’s ever off the record.

Pilot: Oh.

Captain: (Closes eyes) OK, what’s up?

Pilot: Well, you clearly don’t want to be out in space –

Captain: No kidding.

Pilot: – so… why did you join a space-exploring organization?  And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to Captain?!

Captain: (Puts on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was a shortage.  Now: continue flying us on our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this nonsense.

Story 527: I Got a Bit Carried Away When Writing Season 4

             (In a conference room, seated around a long table are a television series’ showrunner, producers, and lead actors; various assistants are seated throughout the room behind them, ready to provide technical and moral support)

Showrunner: (Beaming widely at the attendees) Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of mildly enthusiastic “Yeah”s, “It was OK”s, and one noncommittal grunt) So!  By now you’ve all heard the amazing feedback on the success that Season 3 was this year; the audience couldn’t get enough of us and kept demanding more – (To one of the producers) genius idea to go the traditional route and release only one episode a week, by the way –

Producer: (Smugly) That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Showrunner: Finally paid off.  (Producer double-takes) We’re the critics’ darlings, reviews and ratings are through the roof, and all the awards are pouring in, including – (Gestures to Lead 1) our very own Best Actor in a Popular Series nominee, yaaaaaay!  (Starts clapping for Lead 1; everyone else slowly joins in)

Lead 1: (Mildly embarrassed) Thanks, everybody; that really belongs to all of us, truly.

Lead 2: (Seated next to Lead 1 and staring straight ahead) Then where’s my nomination?

Lead 1: You know very well I have no control over that stuff.

Lead 2: Of course – it’s not like there’s any campaigning involved in these things.

Lead 1: You were plenty welcome to submit your name as a nominee.

Lead 2: That’s not how I roll.  (Turns to Lead 1) Last I checked, this was an ensemble show.  We all support each other.

Lead 1: Oh yeah?  Tell that to the upstagers over there; I think they missed the memo.  (Nods across the table at Lead 3 and Lead 4, whose mouths drop open in shock)

Lead 3: Ex – cuse me?!

Lead 4: Yeah, why’re you suddenly dragging us into this?

Lead 1: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because every time we do scenes together, one or both of you are mugging for the camera in every shot!

Lead 3: It’s called “staying in character”, as you should know at this point in your career!  And not being boring about it, by the way.

Lead 4: Maybe, if you had a little more fun with the role, you’d’ve also been nominated for “Most Dynamic Performer in a Series” like we were.

Lead 3: And won!  Twice!  (Lead 3 and Lead 4 high-five each other)

Lead 1: (Seething) That’s a baloney award from a baloney organization and you know it.

Lead 4: Award’s an award.

Lead 2: (Back to staring into the middle distance) You’re telling me….

Showrunner: Children, my children!  We’ve gone completely off-track and are now barreling through the forest of inanity.  Let us return to why we are all gathered here today: our table read for the much-anticipated Season 4 of our show, yaaaaay!  (Claps again but only a few assistants and producers join in this time) Now, you all were given each episode’s script on your way in, so no peeking ahead to the finale!

Lead 5: (Raises hand as the other leads take the top script from the pile) Question: how come these weren’t sent to us over hiatus like usual?  I like to prep before these things.

Showrunner: Well, this season I wanted to do something a little different: I wanted you all to experience the wonder, the thrills, the chills, and the emotional destruction of each episode together, communally, just as almost the entire audience will when they watch these on the release dates.  (The leads stare blankly at Showrunner) It’ll be fun!

Lead 4: Sure, why not; I’m always up for something new.

Lead 1: (Narrows eyes at Lead 4) You would be.  (Lead 4 gives a baffled “What?!” look)

Lead 2: (To Lead 1) Not exactly the insult I’m sure you were going for.

Lead 1: (Flipping through the script) Realized that after the fact.

Showrunner: OK!  So, like usual, I’ll be reading the stage directions and such; and you all of course know where to come in.  Please save any minor questions for the end so we can keep this going; but if there’s something major you notice, feel free to speak up immediately!  These are pretty much the final drafts since the multiple plots building up over the past few years are so heavily intertwined that any revisions at this point will cause the whole series to collapse in on itself, but, you know, as the showrunner and sole writer on this show, I’m technically open to suggestions. 

Lead 6: Why are you bothering with a table read then if you have no intention of making any revisions?

Showrunner: I wanna hear out loud how awesome it is.  So!  Without further ado, let us begin with

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1

Showrunner: “Scene 56.  Exterior.  Fortress.  Nighttime.  Snow is falling gently as a stumbling figure shambles toward the woods, then falls onto the ground in utter defeat.  Staring up at the star-filled sky, we see that the fallen figure is none other than -------, who smiles sadly as both Fate, and the camera, close in.”

Lead 6: (Looking concerned) “Whelp, it seems my journey ends here.  What a wild ride.”  (To Showrunner) Hold on a second – did my character just die?!

Showrunner: (Grinning) Sure did!  I was very emotional writing it; the tears flowed freely the entire time.  I think you’ll enjoy filming it, too.

Lead 6: So I get killed off in Episode 1?!

Showrunner: Yep!  Definitely motivation for all the other characters to, you know, keep fighting the good fight. 

Lead 6: So I’m done here for good?!

Showrunner: Yes indeedy!  It’s been fun, byeeeee!  (Waves at Lead 6)

Lead 6: But you told me back in January that I’d be in Season 4!

Showrunner: And you are.  In Episode 1.  Byeeeee!  (Waves again)

Lead 6: (Tosses the script onto the pile and mumbles) Wish I’d known that before I relocated last year.  (Everyone else makes sympathetic noises)

Lead 5: Yeah, are there budget cuts or something we should be worried about?

Showrunner: Not at all!  (To Lead 6) It basically came down to the fact that you weren’t, how shall I put this, a “fan favorite.”

Lead 6: (Glares at Showrunner) You forgot my character was in the show again, didn’t you.

Showrunner: (Becomes focused on the script) Yes I did – shall we continue?

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3

Showrunner: “Scene 2.  Interior.  ------’s room.   ------ is seated at a table, piling wooden blocks in a symbolic gesture reflecting two of this season’s main themes when there is a smart rapping at the door.  ------ accidentally knocks over the blocks, again symbolically, walks over to the door to open it, and sees -------- on the other side.”  (Showrunner sets down the script, unobtrusively takes out a small box of popcorn, and begins snacking on it while watching Lead 3 and Lead 4 with intense glee)

Lead 4: “Oh, hi!”

Lead 3: “Hey there!  You busy?”

Lead 4: “Not at all – come on in!”

Showrunner: “-------- enters and jokingly slams the door shut; the two then flop casually onto two armchairs facing each other.” [CRUNCH-CRUNCH]

Lead 3: “So, that last assignment sure was a lot of fun!”

Lead 4: “I’ll say!  And I love that it gave us so many opportunities to bust our self-appointed leader’s chops.”  (Looks significantly at Lead 1, who fumes quietly)

Lead 3: “Well, busting chops is my specialty!  Plus we got to, you know, save the universe again and everything.  Pretty cool of us, I think.”

Lead 4: “Yeah; who knew saving the universe at least once a week would be both spiritually fulfilling and hilarious?”

Lead 3: “Right on!”  (Everyone with a script simultaneously turns to the next page) “You know, while we’re on the subject, I think it’s about time we moved on from goofing off non-stop and you – ” (As Lead 3 and Lead 4 lean forward to their respective scripts with extremely furrowed brows) “finally let me worship that hot, hot body of yours”?!  (Looks up confusedly at Showrunner, who nods vigorously with manic glee)

Lead 4: (Still staring at the script) “Oh baby, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to say the exact same thing – take me now”?!  (Also looks up confusedly at Showrunner) Are these the right lines?!

Showrunner: Of course they are – got your characters’ names attached to them, don’t they?

Lead 3: Yeah, but this isn’t us.  (Gestures to self and Lead 4) We’re the comic relief!

Lead 4: There has to be a mistake; these are the type of lines you usually write for those two!  (Point to Lead 1 and Lead 2)

Lead 1: (Smiling evilly at Lead 3 and Lead 4) I find this extremely hysterical.

Lead 2: Guess you two better start hitting the gym, huh.

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) Ooh, maybe with the heat on them now this’ll mean we get a break this season – doing love scenes are ten times more exhausting then pretending I can do hand-to-hand combat, any day.

Lead 2: No argument from me.

Lead 3: Hey, at least you two knew what you were getting into when you got cast as the attractive leads of a show with such unsubtle romantic undertones – I, however, did not sign up for naughty business when I auditioned for what I thought was just going to be a quirky clown character with several intriguing mini-arcs!

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) And I was supposed to be a one-off and then killed-off, but you called me back because you said the fans loved me so much!

Lead 6: Hm.  Must be nice.

Lead 4: (Winces) Sorry.  (Back to Showrunner) So when did “punching up the script” turn into “borderline softcore porn”?!

Showrunner: Relax: you know the love scenes I write are always extremely tasteful.  (Returns to the script) “-------- grabs ------, throws the latter onto the king size bed, and grabs a bottle of hot oil handily waiting on a lamp table as they passionately tear each other’s clothes off – ”

Lead 3: OH, BLAZES, NO!

Lead 4: My wife’s gonna kill me!

Showrunner: Don’t worry: there’ll be an intimacy coordinator there the whole time so everything’s on the up-and-up.

Lead 3: Not the point!  Neither of us agreed to these types of scenes in our contracts!

Showrunner: Well, you didn’t not agree to them, either.  (Both glare at Showrunner, who sighs) Fine, fine: I’ll cut the scene short and you won’t have to do any of that stuff.  Will that stave off the lawsuits your eyes are threatening?

Lead 3: Maybe.  It also makes zero sense for these characters, but I’ll be satisfied with no on-screen shenanigans.

Lead 4: And no kissing.  (To Lead 3) No offense; it’d just be too awkward.

Lead 3: None taken – I agree, and I don’t want your wife killing me, either.

Showrunner: Aw come on, watching people make out on-screen is so cathartic!

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: (Sighs again and starts crossing out lines in the script) You win; it’ll just be heavily implied.  A lot of fans are going to be very disappointed, though.

Lead 3: Well, tell them that’s what fan fiction’s for!

Showrunner: Where do you think this idea came from?

Lead 4: Seriously?  Our characters got paired up in fan fiction?  (To Lead 3) I never played it that way; I thought we were just buddies, almost like siblings.

Lead 3: (Laughs ruefully) Pal, that’s where some of the most intense sagas there get started – not that I’ve actually read any of them…. (Sips water while looking everywhere else but at Lead 4)

Lead 1: As riveting as all these negotiations are, can we back to the actual reading before it’s time to start filming the season, please?

Lead 4: Why, are we upstaging you again?!

Lead 1: Yes!

Lead 4: Fair enough.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10: SEASON FINALE

(Three quarters of the attendees have dozed off)

Showrunner: “Scene 257.  Interior.  A cozy living room.  A figure sits contemplatively in a chair facing a fireplace.”  (Looks up from the script and throws a piece of popcorn at Lead 7, who has been sleeping while leaning on folded arms on the table for almost the entire session) Oi!  That’s your cue!

Lead 7: (Startles awake and sits up) Huh?  What?  You killed off my character last season; I don’t even know what I’m doing here.

Showrunner: This is a flashback!

Lead 7: Oh.  Do you really need me, then?  Just use stock footage; not to sound disrespectful to everyone here, but I’m in the middle of a film shoot and don’t even care about this show anymore.

Showrunner: It’s a new flashback so we have to film it!  Read the line and collect your paycheck!

Lead 7: (Rubs tired eyes) Sure; something to do.  (Starts shifting through the pile of scripts to reach the bottom one; Lead 5 hands over a script open to the correct page) Thanks.

Lead 5: Don’t mention it – I got killed off two episodes ago and I’m just following along out of courtesy.

Lead 7: (Clears throat and reads flatly) “And so, as the black hole slowly devours our solar system, leaving Earth as the last sacrifice to its eternal greed, we come to that ultimate question that has defied the logic of ages: What truly is the meaning of life?”  (To Showrunner) If this is a flashback, when would my character ever have said this?  And to whom?  And where is this even supposed to be?!

Showrunner: And that is the question!

Lead 7: What?!

Showrunner: And now you’re done – you can go back to sleep.

Lead 7: (Hands the script back to Lead 5) Sounds like a plan.  (Lowers head and arms onto the table again and immediately falls back asleep)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Showrunner: “Scene 3,072.  Interior/Exterior.  ---- and ------ are on opposite sides of an open doorway in yet another symbolic expression of this season’s themes as a reality-ending storm rends the fabric of spacetime around them.”  (To Lead 1 and Lead 2) This means you have to scream at each other to be heard, by the way.

Lead 1: (Braces self) “This is it!”  (Most of the attendees suddenly wake up) “The end of all things!”

Lead 2: (Braces self) “That’s what you said at the last seven reality-ending storms!”

Lead 1: “And I meant it, every time!”

Lead 2: “Guess this is good-bye forever, then!”

Lead 1: “I just have to tell you one last thing before we part for eternity!”

Lead 2: “I know!  You don’t have to say a word!  I will always love you too, my love!”

Lead 1: “Well… I actually wanted to say that I finally realized that I like you more than love you, if you know what I mean!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I’ve grown to respect and admire you as a person, so that transcends the whole romantic, physical part of our relationship and makes it feel a bit mutually exploitative, to be honest!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I do still love you, though!  Just in the Platonic ideal sense, which shows that I have truly evolved as a human being!”

Lead 2: “We’ve been intimate for almost five years and you’re just figuring this out now?!”

Lead 1: “Because now is the end of all things!”  (To Showrunner) I’m sorry, I gotta stop you right there –

Showrunner: (Working on a bag of candy) Nope!  It’s almost over, so we’re finishing this uninterrupted!

Lead 1: (Grinds teeth while looking back at the script) “My only regret is that we failed to save the universe this time, and soon all space and time will be flushed down the galactic toilet that is a supermassive black hole!”

Lead 2: “I know!  And more importantly, all our friends’ll be gone, too!  We’re losing everyone we care about!”

Showrunner: “At that exact moment, -------- and ------ ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 1: Unbelievable – upstaged again!

Showrunner: Wait your turn!  “Ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 3: “Speak for yourselves, losers!  We created our own supermassive wormhole that’ll take us to an alternate Earth where we’ll be safe and never have to deal with these cosmological hijinks ever again!”

Lead 4: “Sorry – not sorry – there’s no room for the two of you to come with us!  So… it’s been real!”

Lead 3: “You and me against the multiverse, babe!”

Lead 4: “I am so turned on right now!”

Showrunner: “They sloppily make out with undying passion – ”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: Right.  (Crosses out more lines and writes new ones)  “It’s heavily implied that they will sloppily make out with undying passion after they arrive on the alternate Earth, and they rev off at faster-than-light speed to their new destiny.”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: “Whoooo.”

Showrunner: A little more enthusiasm would be nice.

Lead 3: (Turns a page ahead) Wait, that’s our last line?!

Showrunner: This season, yeah.

Lead 4: (Mutters to Lead 3) This series, I’ll bet.

Showrunner: What?

Lead 4: What?

Lead 1: (Holding head in pain) Can we please wrap this up?!

Lead 2: I second that: we were supposed to end hours ago, and the daycare meter’s been running well into overtime.

Showrunner: Do not rush art!  And your own interruptions are not helping the cause, either.  (Returns to the script) “---- and ------ stare at each other with profound meaning as reality collapses around them.”

Lead 2: “The end!”

Lead 1: “Or is it?!”

(Everyone still reading the script turns the page)

Showrunner: “Cut to title card: TO BE CONTINUED.”  (Sets down the script and looks around the room triumphantly) The End!  For this season.  So, what do you all think?

(Mostly silence, and soft snores from those who had fallen back into a doze)

Lead 1: It… may need to be workshopped a bit.

Lead 2: A lot.

Showrunner: Children, we start filming in a few weeks; I told you there’s no room in my tightly plotted scripts for major revisions!

Lead 3: Then I’ve only got one thing left to say: brace yourself for the backlash.

Showrunner: Oh.  Right.  That.

ONE YEAR LATER

(In the same conference room with almost all the same people as last time; nearly everyone looks dour)

Showrunner: Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of “Hmmmmm”s) So!  The reviews are in and by now you’ve all heard the, how shall I put this, not-so-great –

Lead 4: Abysmal.

Showrunner: – could-have-been-better response, which of course is no reflection on the hard work of every single person in this room.  You should all be proud of yourselves, yaaaay!  (Claps alone)

Lead 6: Can I just say that this was the easiest paycheck I ever earned?  I had the best time, and the fans even wanted me back!

Lead 5: I envy you so much, you have no idea.

Lead 1: (To Showrunner) Regarding the elephant in the room: I noticed this time we neither got scripts during hiatus or on our way in here.

Lead 3: (Holds a hand up to one side as if whispering a secret that everyone can hear) Spoiler alert: there aren’t any.

Showrunner: There are too!  I wrote a beautiful and moving Season 5 that will make the world weep!  (They all stare at Showrunner) But, I got word from the studio this morning that the show’s been cancelled so, yeah.  No Season 5, unfortunately, children.

Lead 2: Yeah, we pretty much all figured that was the only logical outcome for this situation.

Lead 4: Good thing I recently was cast as the lead in an exciting new adventure series that critics already are comparing to this show, “when it was good,” so I guess you would’ve had to kill off my character this season anyway.

Lead 3: (To Lead 4) Aw, you got the role?  Congratulations!

Lead 4: Thanks!  They’re still looking to cast a few more regulars if you’re interested, and can take time during the other five shows you’re on now.

Lead 3: Send me the info – I grab all the shows I can get!

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) They never stop, do they?  It’s like a compulsion.

Lead 2: I physically cannot care any less than I do at this very moment.

Showrunner: Some good news, though: we got nominated again for lots of awards, including – you guessed it – Best Actor, yay!

Lead 1: I’m frankly amazed myself.

Lead 2: So am I.  (Lead 1 glares at the other) What?  Admit it: this year we both checked out before principal photography even began.

Lead 1: (Looks away shiftily) I thought that was an unspoken understanding for all of us….

Lead 3: Um, not those of us who actually take our craft seriously!  Unworthy.

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) So: any reason this is a meeting and not an e-mail?

Showrunner: Glad you asked!  We may not be able to film Season 5 per se, but there’s no reason why the storylines and most of the dialogue can’t be salvaged and plugged into an amazing new series that I want everyone here to be a part of – (Everyone else in the room stands up and leaves) Rude.  Eh, who needs them?  I can always post it in fan fiction.

Story 236: Unnecessary Detours

            Captain’s Log, Sol Date 5032018: In desperate need, I have made the drastic decision to take the ship back in time, to Earth of the early 21^st century.  Let it be noted in the log that I would not have done this if there had been any other alternative – however, time is of the essence and the only way to complete our mission, and just possibly save the galaxy, is to go back in it.  Time, I mean, not the galaxy.  Computer, delete those last two sentences, I want to rephrase that.

            Computer: Unable to comply: all audio recording is permanent, so get it right the first time.

            Snippy.  Therefore, I and the ship’s Navigator have found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the continent of North America at some point in the first half of the year two thousand and eighteen.  We approximated our landing close to the coordinates of our goal; however, it was not close enough so we have been compelled to commandeer local transportation.

           (In a four-door sedan covered in motley bumper stickers, the Captain and the Navigator travel through the expanses of suburbia)

            Navigator: (Looking at a hand-held computer) There should be a hard turn to port here, sir.

            Captain: (Driving) Negative – that’s a resident’s landing strip.  Keep searching, Lieutenant.

          Navigator: Aye-aye, Captain.  (Looks down the road) There appears to be a sign that states “Detour” directly off the starboard bow, sir.

            Captain: All engines, full reverse!

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, you have complete navigational control of this vehicle.

           Captain: Ah yes.  (Slams on the brakes; the cars behind them screech to a halt and blare their horns.  The Captain rolls down the window) At ease, citizens of Earth!

            Navigator: I also should point out, Captain –

        Captain: Yes Lieutenant, feel free to speak, what’s on your mind, don’t hold back vital information, out with it!

            Navigator: – by following the directions posted on such signs, we still should be able to arrive at our intended destination.  According to my calculations, sir.

            Captain: Very well, then: so that we do not miss any of these “Detour” signs, we will proceed at one-quarter impulse.  (Proceeds at 15 mph below the speed limit, with a line of angry, honking drivers behind them)

         Captain’s Log: Supplemental.  We have located several signs containing the same word “Detour” that appear to be leading us to our intended destination, albeit in a circuitous manner –

            Navigator: With all due respect, sir, that is literally what we had just discussed five minutes ago.

            Captain: I am catching the audience up after the commercial break, Lieutenant!

            Navigator: Aye, sir.

          Sign after sign appears on our trajectory, yet we seem to be no closer to our goal.  Plus the Navigator lately has been getting on my nerves.

            Navigator: Sir, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that you are close to passing the next sign.

            Captain: Got it!  (Cuts across two lanes of traffic to turn from the highway onto a side street, nearly causing five accidents and almost bottoming out) Well, this is a peaceful stretch of space.

            Navigator: (Shaking) It is now, sir.  (Checks computer) Our destination lies within this next starboard turn.

            Captain: At last, we can finally embark upon our mission.  (Turns the car right and is faced with a “Road Closed” sign.  Stops the car and faces the Navigator) Did we miss a sign back there?

          Navigator: (Still checking the computer) No, they all led to this point in the space-time continuum – oh.

             Captain: I do not like to hear “Oh,” Lieutenant.

           Navigator: If I am understanding the data correctly, sir, I believe that first “Detour” sign was meant for those travelers who wanted to arrive at this end of the street.

            Captain: Explain.

            Navigator: I remember there was a second sign underneath it that stated we could reach our destination on this street but that a bridge was impassable, so I presumed the intention was that we could reach our destination after navigating through the detours.  Now, however, I believe the intention was that we still could reach our destination by entering that end of the street.

            Captain: …And the detour was only if we had wanted to get to this end of the street.  (Slumps head onto the steering wheel)

          Navigator: I assume full responsibility for this error, Captain, although I think that all the time travelling we do regularly has begun to affect my judgement –

            Captain: (Sits up again and begins turning the car around, narrowly avoiding two mailboxes and a random dog) You will not berate yourself, Lieutenant!  As the senior officer, I assume full responsibility for every single action of every soul under my command, no matter who messed up what where when why and how!  (Lurches the car forward) Besides, it was a mistake anyone from a different time period could have made, don’t blame yourself, all that matters is we’re safe and that we complete our mission, and get on the sidewalk, pedestrian!  (The car reverses its course through the streets)

            Navigator: Sir, what if we have lost so much time doing all this that we are now too late to save the ship?  And the galaxy?

            Captain: Well that’s the great thing about time travel, isn’t it?  There’s no such thing as “too late,” because we can always just go back and do it all over again!