Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.

Story 370: All the Ornaments Must Go on the Tree!

 (Sibling 2 walks from the car to the house while carrying a heavy cardboard box and kicks the front door several times)

Sibling 1: (Lazily opens the door) Heeeeeeeey, look who’s breaking and entering!

Sibling 2: Cute – mind if I drop your garbage in there now?  (Holds out the box)

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, sure.  (Opens the door wider to let in Sibling 2, then locks seven different bolts after closing it)

Sibling 2: (Drops the box with a crash onto the living room floor) Crime here that bad?

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh, no – habit.  (Dives toward the box to rip it open and noisily rummage through the contents)  You got everything?

Sibling 2: (Strolls over to the almost-fully decorated tree) Pretty much; I had to leave the one with your huge baby photo plastered on Santa’s sleigh behind, `cause Mom wanted “at least one reminder of our darling child on our family tree.”  You still go over there to see her and Dad once a week, right?

Sibling 1: Sure do.  No worries, I’ll just snatch it right off that sucker next time I’m there, heh-heh-heh.

Sibling 2: Don’t you dare – she’ll think she’s losing her mind when she can’t find it later.

Sibling 1: Not a problem, I’ll do it right in front of her; I’m an honest thief.  (Starts taking ornaments from the box to hang on the tree)

Sibling 2: (Watches for a few moments) I dunno, this thing looks pretty full already, are you gonna be able to fit all this new-old stuff on it now, too?

Sibling 1: Yes.  (Continues to hang ornaments without hesitation)

Sibling 2: You knew I was bringing over about a hundred of your kiddie ornaments today –

Sibling 1: They’re not “kiddie,” they’re “classic.”

Sibling 2: Whatever – you filled up the tree before you even got to these!

Sibling 1: Nonsense: there’s still plenty of room.

Sibling 2: (Holds one of the branches out a bit) I count three on this branch alone.

Sibling 1: Is there a rule somewhere that there can only be one ornament per branch?  (Props an ice pop stick reindeer on a lower branch surrounded by a skating dog and an entire snow family)

Sibling 2: I guess not, but it looks better to space them out more, and you don’t want the whole thing to fall over and break everything.

Sibling 1: All taken care of on that front.  (Lifts up several branches to reveal the tree trunk has been reinforced with steel poles, then points to the top to show guy wires leading from there to the four corners of the room)

Sibling 2: All right then.

Sibling 1: So you gonna help me out or what?

Sibling 2: Thought nearly throwing my back out hauling this stuff over here would be enough, but OK.  (Takes an knitted nutcracker from the box and squeezes through the laden branches to an emptier spot near the trunk; spits out needles) Where’d you even get all this new stuff anyway?

Sibling 1: (Adds a third star as a tree topper) Oh, here and there.

Sibling 2: (Tries to leave but an arm is now stuck; panics) Um, oh no, help – I think the tree is taking me!

Sibling 1: (Walks over and pulls Sibling 2 out of the tree branches) Whatever happens, never show fear.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: (Starts hanging a string of embroidered train cars across the tree’s middle) Have a firm hand, show it who’s boss, take no sap!

Sibling 2: Sass?

Sibling 1: I said sap!  (Pushes face into the branches) I see you trying to trap us forever in there!  Your evil plans are foiled once again!

Sibling 2: You know you’re yelling at something that’s technically dead, don’t you?

Sibling 1: Its sacrifice for our enjoyment is not in vain, so I fail to see why it insists on fighting its fate.

Sibling 2: (Watches as more ornaments are shoved in there) I don’t know, I think you’re smothering whatever’s left.  Where’re you even gonna hang the lights?

Sibling 1: (Stares at the tree with eyes widening in horror) Son of a – !

Sibling 2: Maybe it’s a good thing: there’s so much stuff on here the lights’d probably overheat and burn the whole place down.

Sibling 1: But lights are 90% of the effect!

Sibling 2: What about one of your 10 toppers up there, can you light those?

Sibling 1: And how would the rest of the tree look then, hm?  I’ll tell you how – like a fool!

Sibling 2: (Holds up an ornament from the box) Well I doubt you could event fit one more macaroni… doll… whatever this thing is you made in kindergarten –

Sibling 1: IT IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD!

Sibling 2: Wow.  Then maybe stick them on a table or something.

Sibling 1: And then where would I fit all my Nativity scenes?!  (Sweeps an arm toward a side table featuring five Nativity scenes of various size and scope) And Baby Jesus can’t be anywhere near there because He hasn’t been born yet!

Sibling 2: But He can be on the tree?

Sibling 1: Yes, because that’s an ornament!  (Grabs the macaroni, climbs a stepladder, and places the piece between two angel tree toppers) There.  Now hand me a string of lights while you finish up the rest of the box.

Sibling 2: I think this whole thing’s a fire hazard by now.

Sibling 1: I have seven fire extinguishers sprinkled throughout the place – HAND ME THE LIGHTS!

(Sibling 2 hands over a string of lights and continues jamming ornaments onto the packed tree as Sibling 1 works down, adding lights until both finish their decorating around the same time.  Sibling 1 plugs the last string into the wall outlet, and they stand back to view the colorful, bursting tree)

Sibling 2: Well, surprisingly enough, you did it.  I wasn’t sure about your hardened dough snowflake from Scouts at the end there, but you managed to fit every ornament from childhood until now onto this tree.  Except the one you’re planning to steal later.

Sibling 1: (Sighs contentedly) Indeed.  This is the most perfect Christmas tree in the whole wide world.

Sibling 2: I’m sure the one at Rockefeller Center pales in comparison.

Sibling 1: (Tilts head while squinting eyes) Still….

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: Needs tinsel.

Story 368: (Accidentally) Sending Inappropriate Holiday Cards

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a tuna fish sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Hey, everything OK?

Friend 1: Do you know what date it is?!

Friend 2: Uhhh, yeah, it’s November 30.

Friend 1: (Shoving a supermarket cart down the greeting card aisle; the phone is wedged between a shoulder and an ear) Exactly!  Thanksgiving was so late this year that I have not bought, let alone mailed, one season’s greetings card yet!  Not!  One!

Friend 2: (Resumes sandwich) Relax, there’s plenty of time.

Friend 1: I have no time!

Friend 2: But there’s still almost a whole month until Christmas and Kwanzaa, and it’s even almost two weeks until Hanukkah starts –

Friend 1: I HAVE NO TIME!

Friend 2: Whatever.  Then what are you calling me for?

Friend 1: I need someone who’d understand what I’m going through right now!

Friend 2: Let me know when you find one.  (Disconnects the call and closes eyes while enjoying the rest of the sandwich)

Friend 1: (“Gaaah”s while tossing the phone into the shopping cart, then faces the rows of cards with all the December and early January holidays.  Frantically scans the tab headings while muttering) No time – no time – no time – no time – (Finally sweeps a whole swath of cards and plastic holders into the cart and races to the cash registers at the front of the store) Why must I be burdened with so many loving family and friends?!

 ONE WEEK LATER

            (Friend 1 is relaxing on the living room couch watching a movie)

         Friend 1: Heh-heh, silly audience-insert character – don’t you know the protagonist is really explaining the whole situation to us?  (Pauses the movie to answer the ringing phone) Yo – `sup?

Friend 2: Glad to hear you suddenly have all the time in the world.

Friend 1: What’re you talking about?

Friend 2: Never mind; listen, were you paying attention when you were hysterically mailing all those cards you just had to get at the end of last month?

Friend 1: Last mon – oh, you mean last week.

Friend 2: Still was last month – you had that much time.

Friend 1: Fine, yeah, I kept track of what I sent out; why, you got yours already?

Friend 2: Oh, I sure did.

Friend 1: Great!

Friend 2: And I ain’t your grandkid.

Friend 1: …What’s that?

Friend 2: You sent me a card that said “Happy Hanukkah to My Beloved Grandchild.”

Friend 1: Odd….

Friend 2: What’s even odder is that you handwrote my name inside and called me “Bestie.”

Friend 1: Interesting….

Friend 2: Thanks anyway for the thought, but you might get a few more phone calls like this.  (Disconnects)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto the couch and resumes the movie) Probably a fluke.

(Several states away, Friend 1’s Grandparent opens a card from Friend 1)

Grandparent: (Reads) “Merry Christmas to the Best Teacher I Ever Had.  A+!”  Oh dear, I think that child has lost it.  Bound to happen with this family.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s parents open their card)

Dad: (Reads) “Season’s Greetings to the World’s Best Boss, From All of Us in the Office!”  Wow.

Mom: What disturbs me most is that “Mom and Dad” are handwritten inside.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Aunt opens a card)

Aunt: (Reads) “Mazel Tov on Your Bar Mitzvah!”  I don’t even know where to start.

(Several towns away, Friend 3 opens a card)

Friend 3: (Reads) “Happy Kwanzaa to You and Yours!”  Aw, that’s nice.

(Several towns away, Friend 1’s Cousin opens a card)

Cousin: (Reads) “Every Christmas Married to You Reminds Me Miracles Really Do Come True”….  Did I miss something?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office building’s cafeteria, Friend 2 is enjoying a moment of peace with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

Friend 2: (Interrupted by having to answer a ringing cell phone) Yes, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: (Soaking feet in a home pedicure tub) So yeah, a whole bunch of people called, but I am not doing this again.

Friend 2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 1: The thing with the cards!

Friend 2: Oh, that.  Well, that’s what you get when you rush, especially when it seems you didn’t even have to.

Friend 1: I must say, there was one recipient who did get a holiday- and relationship-appropriate card from me.

Friend 2: Congratulations: a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Friend 1: Scorn away – I will triumph.

Friend 2: In what?  It’s over!

Friend 1: In next year.  I’ll send all my cards in August, and we’ll see who’s confused then!

Friend 2: Pretty much everyone, I’d imagine.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 361: Painting Party With the Masters

 [Disclaimer: Not an accurate depiction of the real-life figures featured]

           (In the back room of a painting party studio, Artist preps for an upcoming event as Manager enters)

            Manager: Hey – your 2:30’s here.  As in all of them.

            Artist: (Freezes) What?!  Already?!  I didn’t even get to stencil the design yet, `cause you still didn’t tell me what they picked, and now you’re saying they’re all here, and it’s not even – (Looks at watch) 2:25?!

            Manager: Relax, you’re gonna like this one.

            Artist: I hate it already!

            Manager: You’ll change your mind when I tell you who they are.

            Artist: The only ones I’ll accept right now are the Dalai Lama and Mother Angelica!

            Manager: Let me back up a bit here: you know how you’re always whining about how you got your master’s degree in fine arts and jobs like these drain your soul more and more each day?

            Artist: I – !...  Did I say that out loud?

          Manager: Frequently.  And you know how when somebody here asked which famous people you’d want to have dinner with, living or dead, and you rattled off a bunch of painters you wish you were and never will be?

            Artist: You certainly remember a lot.

            Manager: Well, since today’s your birthday, that’s just the event that I booked for you.  (Opens the door and pushes Artist into the main room) Have a ball!  (Slams the door)

            Artist: (Stares at the six attendees seated expectantly at the empty easels set up for them) Uh… hello.

            Masters: Greetings.

            Artist: Sorry to keep you waiting – I wasn’t notified ahead of time which painting you would like to do, so if you tell me now we can get started.

          Leonardo da Vinci: (Holds up a postcard featuring The Last Supper) In all modesty, I believe this exquisite masterpiece would be sufficient for our needs.

            Gu Kaizhi: Ha!  That finger painting is unworthy of this gathering.  (Holds up a silk handscroll of Nymph of the Luo River) This, however, is what we should all strive to accomplish this afternoon.

            Georgia O’Keefe: (Holding up a coffee table art book featuring An Orchid on the cover) And I still say you can’t go wrong with the deceptive simplicity of the flower, AKA Nature’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if we can do any better.

            Christy Brown: I disagree: behold my selection.  (Holds up a copy of Boats in the Harbour with his left foot)

           Frida Kahlo: If you want to be conventional about the whole thing, then by all means choose that one; however, if you want true insight into the soul, I suggest you go with this little symbolic masterpiece.  (Holds up a copy of The Two Fridas)

            Chéri Samba: You are all so dull.  (Holds up a copy of Je suis un rebelle)  Clearly this is beyond your abilities but should be a fun exercise, no?

            (They all turn to Artist)

            Artist: Uhhhhh… you can only pick one design for this event.

            (They all toss their works behind them in disgust)

           Leonardo da Vinci: Fine, the majority voted earlier on that spaceship as a backup.  (Points to one of the canvases on display)

           Artist: (Turns to the canvas and moves it to an empty easel on a platform facing the attendees) Um, OK, just make yourselves comfortable and have a snack or something while I stencil the canvases for you.

            (The Masters burst out laughing)

            Frida Kahlo: We have no need for such a child’s tool – the blank canvas is all.

            Artist: OK.... (Distributes blank canvases to each easel) Just give me a few minutes then –

            Gu Kaizhi: Surely you do not need such a child’s tool?

          Artist: (Frozen in the Masters’ judging gazes) …Of course not.  (Sets a blank canvas a bit too hard onto the other empty easel, grabs a palette and brush, surreptitiously wipes sweat off forehead, and clears throat) So, for the background you want to dip your large brush into the black paint and work from the outer edges in.

           Georgia O’Keefe: (Starting to paint) I must say, I was the lone holdout on the extraterrestrial theme.

            Christy Brown: I am sure you can handle the vastness of space that is 90% dark matter anyway.

           Georgia O’Keefe: Exactly – between that and the artificial subject of the piece, where is the Life?!

            Artist: Um, you can use the other colors to add stars if you want.

            Chéri Samba: Way ahead of you; do you mind terribly if I add a supernova in the upper right corner?

            Artist: No-o, go right ahead and add anything you like: this is a casual, fun event where you can do pretty much whatever you want on your artwork.

            Georgia O’Keefe: How about a big ol’ rose on top of the space vessel’s bridge?

            Leonardo da Vinci: Enough with the flowers!  If I cannot have the ideal version of Man in my painting, then you cannot have random buds in yours!

            Georgia O’Keefe: Rude.

          Artist: OK, how about now creating a general outline of the ship, anywhere you like it and however you like it – it doesn’t have to match this.  (Waves the brush at the example canvas)

            Gu Kaizhi: What kind of attitude is that for a teacher to have?  Tell us what to do; don’t be shy!

           Chéri Samba: Actually, we shouldn’t be confined by what others have done before us; we should use the canvas to express our inner souls, and if that means extra thrusters and laser cannons that weren’t on the original painting, then so be it!

            Leonardo da Vinci: Ridiculous!  What’s the point of painting anything if you have nothing with which to compare it, so you can point at yours and say how awesome it is?!

            Frida Kahlo: Coming from someone who pretty much invented the helicopter, you of all people should encourage freedom of the brush stroke!

            Artist: How about we mix some complementary colors a bit to make a nice gray for the ship’s hull?  (Whips colors together frantically)

TWO HOURS LATER

           Artist: (Covered in paint, finishes the work with a flourish) And there we go!  All done!  (The Masters murmur polite praise) Really?  You like it?

            Masters: (Look at each other, turn back to Artist, and shrug) Eh.

            Artist: Oh.  (Recovers) Well, let’s see how your masterpieces turned out, shall we?

            Gu Kaizhi: Don’t be patronizing.

            Artist: Sorry – I’m in class mode.  (Tours the easels and sees that each Master painted their self-portrait, set in outer space)

            Christy Brown: Seems none of us could truly connect with the subject.

            Artist: Then why did you pick it?!

            (Five of them point to Leonardo da Vinci)

            Leonardo da Vinci: Apparently, I live more in the future than any of you ever will.

            Artist: You still only drew yourself!

            Leonardo da Vinci: One day, the ship will be superfluous: humanity itself will be the only vessel needed to journey to the stars.

            Artist: (Tosses the paintbrush into a nearby can and wipes paint-covered hands on a towel) OK, it’s your party; want me to take your picture with your… picture?

            (They all start to remove their canvases from the easels)

          Frida Kahlo: Actually, we must be going – thank you for your time, and I hope you learned something today.

            Artist: I was supposed to teach you!

            Frida Kahlo: Really?  How interesting. 

(They all leave; Artist slumps in a chair, facing the mess waiting to be cleaned)

Manager: (Enters from the back room) Soooo?  How’d you like “teaching” the Masters, tee-hee-hee!

           Artist: (Looks tiredly at the canvas painted that day) Turns out, there really is no right way to do art, and I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.

Story 359: All Roads Lead to I-Don’t-Know-Where

          (At an office, Friend 2 types frantically while darting glances at the time in the lower right-hand corner of the computer monitor)

           Friend 2: There’s still time – (Type-type-type-type) I can make it – (Type-type-type-E-mail Alert – asdfghjkl;) Guess that settles that.  (Pulls out a cell phone, selects one of the contacts, and props the phone against an ear while resuming typing)

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: [Disgusted sigh]

            Friend 1: That sounds like a work-related disgusted sigh.

            Friend 2: You’d be right. I hate doing this to you, but I’m gonna have to cancel for tonight: I’ve been bombarded with requests all day in multiple media, and just now I got a notice for something that has to be done before tomorrow so I’m gonna be here for at least another two hours finishing all this up.  It’s as if I did NOTHING ALL DAY LONG!  Sorry.

            Friend 1: Don’t be – I completely understand and refuse to join the treadmill you’re on.  Hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and check out this place tonight anyway?  `Cause I’ve been kind of looking forward to it.

            Friend 2: No, please, go have a blast.  The whole area sounds pretty neat; what’s it called again, a mall town?

            Friend 1: The term is “metroburb.”  And I’ll really just be going to the pop-up drive-in movie theater, but I also might check out some of the trendy office-stores in the main building and drive through the carbon copy housing developments just to freak out the neighbors.

            Friend 2: (Backspacing an entire paragraph) That’s great – I’ll still give you money for the movie ticket, though.

          Friend 1: Then you’d be giving me $0; it was a freebie from… something apparently not important enough for my brain to remember.

              Friend 2: OK, thanks.  And call me later and let me know what it all was like there.

              Friend 1: But of course.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (In an office breakroom)

            Coworker 1: (To Friend 2) You look tired.

            Friend 2: (Stares balefully at Coworker 1) When is it ever a good time to tell that to someone?

            Coworker 1: Thought it sounded sympathetic.

          Friend 2: It would, if you weren’t the cause of all my late nights this week!  (Aggressively bites into a bagel)

            Coworker 1: Well.  Guess that’s the last time I graciously offer you to help me with my overdue projects.  (Leaves)

            Friend 2: (Stares at the bagel) I was this close to bouncing you off their head.  But I love you too much.  (Devours the rest)

            Coworker 2: (Sits at the table next to Friend 2 and starts eating a salad) Sorry all this stuff lately made you miss out on the movie at the office village the other night.

            Friend 2: Thanks.  And I think it’s actually called an “urban suburb” – no that’s not right –

            Coworker 2: Whatever it is, it seems nifty – you hear from your friend yet on how it all looked?

            Friend 2: (Freezes) You know, I never did hear back….

MEANWHILE

            (In the blazing sun, Friend 1 drives through winding, endless roads)

            Friend 1: (Voiceover) Pilot’s Log: Day 3 of my journey through the metroburb, AKA Circle 10 of Dante’s Inferno.  I have long since given up hope of seeing another human being ever again.  The steaming paved roads are surrounded by carefully regimented trees and flowering bushes, looping in on themselves in never-ending rows of artificial greenery, the forest they replaced conspicuous in its absence.  They mock me with their enforced symmetry, the unnaturalness of their state rivalled only by the unshed tears they weep for their lost brethren cleared en masse to create this hellscape of modern living.

            I had passed the main building upon my initial entry into this cursed place, and have long since said my farewells to it – I have not clapped eyes upon it again in two days, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the pop-up drive-in movie theater was installed in the one corner of the mile-wide and mile-long parking lot that I did not drive through.  There was a good flick scheduled that night, too.

            Several hours after that midnight, I conceded defeat and attempted to navigate my way out of this black hole of a complex – for me, though, the event horizon was long gone: all the roads here are one-way and not one circled back to the direction from whence I came.

            This is one of the rare instances in my life where I regret never yielding to popular trends and installing GPS on my phone.  Or figuring out how to do that now.

            On Day 2, I spotted a family of deer and attempted to follow them home to freedom: however, traitors to their kind that they are, they seemed to have made this monstrosity their new home – which may actually have been the site of their previous home and they’re trying to make the best of things, so never mind – and they merely frolicked into the backyard of some human dwelling-in-progress, so they were no help whatsoever.

            I next followed the path of a flock of migrating geese, driving across the horrifically manicured medians when necessary just to keep them in sight – alas, they too seemed to have made this their home and now, typical of the current state of things, migrate nowhere.  I last left them amusing themselves in an abomination that is an artificial pond, useless to themselves and to me equally.

            I then attempted to create a map of the roads that I already had travelled, drawn on a bunch of take-out napkins that were sitting in the glove compartment, in order to locate the correct road out of here by process of elimination.  Having failed both Art and Geography in my younger years, the map I created is nonsensical and offends the senses.  I would symbolically burn the multi-napkin wreck, if I had not failed Scouts as well.

           This morning I drank the last dregs of sustenance from my water bottle; as the nuclear sun mercilessly beats down upon me, that artificial pond is starting to look better and better....

            (Friend 1’s cell phone rings)

        Friend 1: (Signals to pull into the empty road’s shoulder, puts on the car’s hazard lights, and answers the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I see your location’s still listed as being in the metroburb – just follow the signs to Main Street and you should be out of there in five minutes.  (Ends the call)

            (Friend 1 sets the phone onto the passenger seat, looks to the right of the car, and sees a sign planted into the ground that reads “Main Street ↑”)

            Friend 1: (Signals to pull back onto the empty road; voiceover) The journey continues as this intrepid survivor endeavors to decipher the markings that apparently were placed at regular intervals along the monotonous roads and yet, somehow, overlooked.  Attempting escape velocity as the event horizon appears in the distance in three, two, one –

             (A horn blares as Friend 1 cuts across a car’s path while making a left turn onto Main Street)

          Friend 1: (Screaming out the window) At last!  I have escaped the demons of suburbia, ahahahahaha!

              Driver: Freak.

             Friend 1: (Voiceover) My trials at last are over: I have reached journey’s end, and now need a nap.  My lone takeaway of this whole ordeal: I really wanted to see that movie.