(In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)
Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.
Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?
Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now. Just gonna open as needed. (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?
Sibling: I’m good. (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.
Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?
Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.
Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.
(A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)
Sibling: Whoa, what was that?
Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.
Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal? Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there! (The groans and creaks start again)
Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.
Sibling: What?!
Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh. (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)
Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there! Where’s the box with your knives?! (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?! Where’re your carving knives?!
Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.
Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs? And keep 911 on standby!
Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting. Guess no nap for you today. (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place. (The groans and bangs get louder)
Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute! (Carefully runs up the stairs)
Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me. (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!” Caveat emptor, my foot.
(Sibling runs back down the stairs)
Sibling: Move out! Move out now!
Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.
Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats! GHOSTS!
Homeowner: Huh?
Sibling: This place is haunted! Move out, now!
Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ? You don’t even believe in that stuff!
Sibling: I do now! I believe it all! And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on! (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)
Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!
Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed! (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)
Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party! (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.
THAT NIGHT
(Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)
Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home. And good night to you too, New Home!
Ghosts: Good night!
(Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)
Homeowner:
(Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find
out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls
somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)
Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!
Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?
Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see! (Shaking chains also resound in the background)
Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.
Homeowner: Huh? (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?! This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!
Sibling: Seriously? You’re actually talking to them?
Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life! (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?! What about the mouse infestation?! What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!! (Shakes the chain again)
Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?
Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!
Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?
Homeowner:
Yeah all right – bye.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)
Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall. (Disappears)
Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks. (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window. On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet) Huh? (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling) Son of a – ! (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)
Ghost 1: Aw! Seven-ten split again!
Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?
Ghost 1: Never!
Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey! (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!
Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.” Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.
Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!
Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?
Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.
Ghost 1: Amen to that. (They high-five each other and resume bowling)
(Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)
Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.
Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?
Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.
Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.
Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue. (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?! (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)
Sibling: Whoa! Are you OK?! Need me to call somebody?!
Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No. I just need to be alone right now. (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)
Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place. I think you got hoodwinked. (Disappears)
Homeowner: Thank you, Hester. (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.
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