Story 379: There’s No Time to Rest in the Land of Adventureland!

 (Written after rewatching and rereading The Chronicles of Narnia series)

 (Two random children suddenly appear in a magical world that looks exactly like Fantasy Medieval Europe)

Child 1: (Looks around in wonder at being deposited in the middle of a field that could be in the middle of anywhere with temperate climate during spring, except the grass is blue and the insects are huge) Oh me oh my, where on Earth are we and how on Earth did we get here?

Child 2: I dunno; I was on my way to math class when POOF!  Transported.

Child 1: Well, I distinctly remember just seconds ago wishing that I was far, far away from boring old school, and that something would take me to a MAGICAL LAND full of WONDERFUL ADVENTURES and not-too-dangerous dangers, and here I am!  At last, my life can truly begin!

Child 2: That’s great – so what am I doing here?

Child 1: Clearly, I’ll need someone to talk to during my coming-of-age quest, now shan’t I?  And I think you were walking right next to me when this happened.

Child 2: Oh bother.

(A flying Unicorn suddenly lands in front of them)

Child 1 and 2: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Unicorn: Be not afraid, dear children, for I am here to take you to the beginning of your transformative journey!

Child 1: How wonderful!

Child 2: Half a second: skipping past the flying talking animal bit that I normally would be freaking out about, how do you know who we are, that we’d be here at this exact moment, and what specific journey you’re supposed to take us on?

Unicorn: Why, The Prophecy, of course.

Child 2: Oh, a thousand pardons, of course – I always forget about those super-specific prophecies.

Child 1: Never mind all that; let’s roll!  (Hops onto the Unicorn’s back) Away!

Child 2: I already have a headache.  (Also hops onto the Unicorn’s back and they all fly into a mass of psychedelic colors)

Background Chorus: <Your journey’s just begun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fighting’s all for fun

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to eat

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

There’s no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!>

Child 2: Huh?

(The Unicorn slams back down to the ground in front of a giant castle; Child 1 and Child 2 fall off as the drawbridge lowers and an entire Army marches out)

King: (The only one on a horse; stops next to Child 1 and Child 2 as they struggle to stand) Ah, children!  Just in time: we’re off to The War now.

Child 1: Yay!

Child 2: Excuse me, “War”?

King: Why yes, that’s why you’ve both been summoned here from whatever backwards realm you crawled out of.  (Draws his sword and points it toward a distant mountain range, most of which is covered in snow and flames) There lies our enemy.  We’ve been glaring evilly at each other for over 200 generations, but now that you two have finally arrived as The Prophecy had foretold, victory at last will be ours.  That is why we saved our first and final assault for today.

Army: (Shaking swords in the air) Hurrah!

Child 2: Well, both sets of your people’ve lasted for 200 generations without any real damage; why not just leave them there and you stay here?

King: (Blinks at Child 2, then points his sword farther toward the mountain range) To War!

Army: To War!

Child 1: Yessssss!!!

Child 2: Ugh.

(The marching resumes)

Child 2: Maybe the two of us can just meet you all there – (Turns to see the Unicorn had left ages ago) drat.

Child 1: The adventure continues!

Child 2: Whoopee.

(Child 1 and Child 2 join the march; there is little obvious progress as the hours tick by)

Background Chorus: <All roads lead to war

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Fight or find gold, nothing more

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

No need to take a bath

In the Land of ADVENT-URE-LAND!

Your clothes will stay intact

In the Land of ADVNT-URE-LAND!>

 HOURS (DAYS?) LATER

 (The march continues; the mountain range appears slightly closer; Child 1 and Child 2 are filthy)

Child 2: (Drooping) You know, by the time we actually get to wherever we’re going, we’ll be too weak to do much of anything and the other side’ll wipe us out or watch us collapse from the safety of their warm, cozy homes.

Child 1: What’re you talking about?  Don’t you finally feel so wonderfully alive?!

Army: Yaaaahhhh!!!!

Child 2: Never mind.

(An enchanted bird strolls nearby)

Bird: (Raises a wing in greeting) `Sup.

King: (Points his sword at the bird) Aha!  The Wise Bird of Wisdom!  All who eat of its brain shall possess the entire knowledge of the solar system!

Child 2: Could aim a little higher than that.

Child 1: Oh Mighty King, let us pursue this wondrous creature and split its brain 3,003 ways so that we all may possess its wisdom!

King: (Nods) Agreed.  (To the Army) Side Quest!  (Takes out an airhorn and lets out three blasts)

Army: Raahhhh!!!! (About-faces to pursue the bird)

Child 2: Can we at least camp here for the night, then?

King: “Camp”?  You speak so strangely, Other-Worlder.

Child 2: OK, how about what that crew over there’s doing?  (Points to a nearby campfire surrounded by four children, a prince around their age, fauns, dryads, minotaurs, centaurs, a variety of enlarged woodland creatures, and tables of food; all turn to the King, Child 1, Child 2, and the Army, and raise a tankard to them)

Other Fantasy Crew: Well met, good neighbors!  Join us in our feast and sing merry songs of glories lost!

King: Hm, tempting – but I have no idea why they’re all just sitting around when there’s marching to be done, so onward we go!

Child 2: But we haven’t eaten for so long!  Aren’t you hungry?!

King: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(The bird takes flight)

Bird: Peace!

King: (Gazing in deep despair at the receding figure) Eternal knowledge, lost forever.  Ah well: back to the invasion.  (To the Army) Forward, harch!

(The marching resumes)

Child 1: Wasn’t that thrilling?!  I feel I gained some wisdom after all.

Child 2: I gained an appreciation for a hot meal and eight hours of sleep a night.

(They reach the base of the mountain range)

King: And now, good people: we climb!

Child 2: There’s no path?!

King: Of course not!  This obstacle in our noble mission of destruction is not meant to be easy!

Child 2: It’s not meant to be anything; it’s a mountain that’s always been here!  But you brought a whole army when there’s no footpath?!  How’re you supposed to get all your supplies and weapons up there?!  And what if half of you fall off before you reach the top?!

King: These trifles matter not – the goal is the journey!

Army: Hurrah!  (Weighed down by their armor and weapons, they begin to free solo climb)

Child 1: To the journey!  (Jumps up to a handhold and dangles from it)

Child 2: (Pulls Child 1 back down to the ground) Oh no you don’t – you can’t even climb up to the top of the rope in gym class.

Child 1: (Pouts) But the adventure!

Child 2: And this is the part where we have our obligatory falling out.  While you ponder your growth as a human being, I’m going to finally get some sleep.  (Lies down on some nearby rocks and closes eyes)

Unicorn: (Suddenly lands in front of them) Arise, my children, and I will aid you in your endeavor!

Child 1: (Claps hands) Hooray!

Child 2: (Opens eyes wide) Now you show up?!

Unicorn: We must not tarry: adventure awaits!  (Child 1 is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back)

Child 2: No, no, no, I just got to sleep – (Is scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and wails all the way up the mountain)

Background Chorus: <Tears are a nice touch

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

Just don’t cry too much

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

There’s still no time to sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!

You’ll forget that thing called sleep

In the Land of ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

(The Unicorn lands at the top of the mountain, dumps Child 1 and Child 2 onto the ground, and flies away)

Unicorn: Farewell, children!  If you see me again, it’ll either be to transport you home or tragically sacrifice myself for your character development!

Child 1: (Running a bit after the flying figure) Wait!  What if we need you to fly us to another spot we don’t want to walk tooooooo?!

Child 2: (Still on the ground; to Child 1) I wish I never met you.

(Villagers run over to them and help Child 2 up off the ground)

Villager 1: Here now, children, are you all right?

Child 2: No, but thanks for your concern.

Child 1: Hey, aren’t you lot the ones the King’s Army’s making war on?

Villager 2: Ohhh, so that’s why all those people were marching this way and are now climbing up the mountain – we were wondering what was up.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 2: Well, this is just great!  His Royal Nutjob down there is all set to gloriously slaughter everyone up here, and he didn’t even send you a memo about it!

Villager 3: His people are a rather touchy folk; that’s pretty much why we’ve kept to ourselves for over 200 generations.  (The other Villagers nod in agreement)

Child 1: (Having no sword to draw, instead raises a twig taken from the ground) Aha!  Here is our chance to prove our worth on this adventure!  Prepare to meet your end!  (Lunges towards the Villagers)

Child 2: (Trips Child 1, who lands in mud) Knock it off.  (To the Villagers) So, we have a little time before that bunch gets here: anyone have an unoccupied bed they wouldn’t mind lending out for my use from now until sometime tomorrow?

Villager 1: (Points to the edge of the cliff) Here they come!

Child 2: Blast.

(Everyone runs to the edge of the cliff to see King and several members of the Army reach the top)

King: (Without breaking stride, takes his sword from between his teeth and points it at the Villagers) We’re here!  Let The War begin!

Army: Yaaaayyyy!!!

Child 2: Just a second, Majesty: before you start shoving that blade into everyone in sight, I’d like to point out that you have the wrong mountain.  (The cheers stop)

King: Eh?

Child 2: The mountain: you climbed up the wrong one.  You should’ve climbed the one over there.  (Points to a peak several miles away)

King: The one with all the flames on it?

Child 2: The very same.

King: (Taps his sword against his teeth while staring at that part of the range, then shrugs) So be it: to the next mountain!

Army: Hurrah!

(King and the Army all climb or fall down the mountain as the Villagers cheer)

Child 1: (Stands, very muddy) Aw, what about our great battle against underwhelming odds?!  (Child 2 pushes Child 1 back into the mud as the Unicorn appears)

Unicorn: That’s my cue, children!  Time for me to take you back to where you started so you can return to your other-dimensional world!

Child 2: Great – wait, you mean we could’ve just stood there for a day and then gone back home anyway?!

Unicorn: Not without personal growth, you couldn’t!  (Child 1 and 2 are scooped onto the Unicorn’s back and they fly away as the Villagers cheer and wave)

Child 2: (Starts to lean forward and close eyes) Soooo, I’m just going to close my eyes for a few seconds here, and you can give me a nudge when we’ve gotten back –

Unicorn: Hold on, children!  There appears to be a fearsomely misunderstood dragon laying waste to an entire country right over there!

Child 1: Woo-hoo!  Let’s go slay the misunderstood dragon and take all its gold!

Unicorn: Not sure if there is any gold –

Child 1: It’d better have gold or else I’m slaying it again!

Child 2: (Sobbing as they flying off into the sunset) I wanna sleeeeep!!!!

Background Chorus: <There’s no time to rest

In THE LAND OF ADVEN-TURE-LAND!>

Villager 1: (To Villager 2) Who were those kids anyway?

Villager 2: Well, my first thought was they’re travelers from another world brought here for the trifold reason of saving our village, learning valuable life lessons along the way, and imparting that knowledge upon an unseen audience, but I’m an idiot so it’s really anyone’s guess.

Story 359: All Roads Lead to I-Don’t-Know-Where

          (At an office, Friend 2 types frantically while darting glances at the time in the lower right-hand corner of the computer monitor)

           Friend 2: There’s still time – (Type-type-type-type) I can make it – (Type-type-type-E-mail Alert – asdfghjkl;) Guess that settles that.  (Pulls out a cell phone, selects one of the contacts, and props the phone against an ear while resuming typing)

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: [Disgusted sigh]

            Friend 1: That sounds like a work-related disgusted sigh.

            Friend 2: You’d be right. I hate doing this to you, but I’m gonna have to cancel for tonight: I’ve been bombarded with requests all day in multiple media, and just now I got a notice for something that has to be done before tomorrow so I’m gonna be here for at least another two hours finishing all this up.  It’s as if I did NOTHING ALL DAY LONG!  Sorry.

            Friend 1: Don’t be – I completely understand and refuse to join the treadmill you’re on.  Hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and check out this place tonight anyway?  `Cause I’ve been kind of looking forward to it.

            Friend 2: No, please, go have a blast.  The whole area sounds pretty neat; what’s it called again, a mall town?

            Friend 1: The term is “metroburb.”  And I’ll really just be going to the pop-up drive-in movie theater, but I also might check out some of the trendy office-stores in the main building and drive through the carbon copy housing developments just to freak out the neighbors.

            Friend 2: (Backspacing an entire paragraph) That’s great – I’ll still give you money for the movie ticket, though.

          Friend 1: Then you’d be giving me $0; it was a freebie from… something apparently not important enough for my brain to remember.

              Friend 2: OK, thanks.  And call me later and let me know what it all was like there.

              Friend 1: But of course.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (In an office breakroom)

            Coworker 1: (To Friend 2) You look tired.

            Friend 2: (Stares balefully at Coworker 1) When is it ever a good time to tell that to someone?

            Coworker 1: Thought it sounded sympathetic.

          Friend 2: It would, if you weren’t the cause of all my late nights this week!  (Aggressively bites into a bagel)

            Coworker 1: Well.  Guess that’s the last time I graciously offer you to help me with my overdue projects.  (Leaves)

            Friend 2: (Stares at the bagel) I was this close to bouncing you off their head.  But I love you too much.  (Devours the rest)

            Coworker 2: (Sits at the table next to Friend 2 and starts eating a salad) Sorry all this stuff lately made you miss out on the movie at the office village the other night.

            Friend 2: Thanks.  And I think it’s actually called an “urban suburb” – no that’s not right –

            Coworker 2: Whatever it is, it seems nifty – you hear from your friend yet on how it all looked?

            Friend 2: (Freezes) You know, I never did hear back….

MEANWHILE

            (In the blazing sun, Friend 1 drives through winding, endless roads)

            Friend 1: (Voiceover) Pilot’s Log: Day 3 of my journey through the metroburb, AKA Circle 10 of Dante’s Inferno.  I have long since given up hope of seeing another human being ever again.  The steaming paved roads are surrounded by carefully regimented trees and flowering bushes, looping in on themselves in never-ending rows of artificial greenery, the forest they replaced conspicuous in its absence.  They mock me with their enforced symmetry, the unnaturalness of their state rivalled only by the unshed tears they weep for their lost brethren cleared en masse to create this hellscape of modern living.

            I had passed the main building upon my initial entry into this cursed place, and have long since said my farewells to it – I have not clapped eyes upon it again in two days, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the pop-up drive-in movie theater was installed in the one corner of the mile-wide and mile-long parking lot that I did not drive through.  There was a good flick scheduled that night, too.

            Several hours after that midnight, I conceded defeat and attempted to navigate my way out of this black hole of a complex – for me, though, the event horizon was long gone: all the roads here are one-way and not one circled back to the direction from whence I came.

            This is one of the rare instances in my life where I regret never yielding to popular trends and installing GPS on my phone.  Or figuring out how to do that now.

            On Day 2, I spotted a family of deer and attempted to follow them home to freedom: however, traitors to their kind that they are, they seemed to have made this monstrosity their new home – which may actually have been the site of their previous home and they’re trying to make the best of things, so never mind – and they merely frolicked into the backyard of some human dwelling-in-progress, so they were no help whatsoever.

            I next followed the path of a flock of migrating geese, driving across the horrifically manicured medians when necessary just to keep them in sight – alas, they too seemed to have made this their home and now, typical of the current state of things, migrate nowhere.  I last left them amusing themselves in an abomination that is an artificial pond, useless to themselves and to me equally.

            I then attempted to create a map of the roads that I already had travelled, drawn on a bunch of take-out napkins that were sitting in the glove compartment, in order to locate the correct road out of here by process of elimination.  Having failed both Art and Geography in my younger years, the map I created is nonsensical and offends the senses.  I would symbolically burn the multi-napkin wreck, if I had not failed Scouts as well.

           This morning I drank the last dregs of sustenance from my water bottle; as the nuclear sun mercilessly beats down upon me, that artificial pond is starting to look better and better....

            (Friend 1’s cell phone rings)

        Friend 1: (Signals to pull into the empty road’s shoulder, puts on the car’s hazard lights, and answers the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I see your location’s still listed as being in the metroburb – just follow the signs to Main Street and you should be out of there in five minutes.  (Ends the call)

            (Friend 1 sets the phone onto the passenger seat, looks to the right of the car, and sees a sign planted into the ground that reads “Main Street ↑”)

            Friend 1: (Signals to pull back onto the empty road; voiceover) The journey continues as this intrepid survivor endeavors to decipher the markings that apparently were placed at regular intervals along the monotonous roads and yet, somehow, overlooked.  Attempting escape velocity as the event horizon appears in the distance in three, two, one –

             (A horn blares as Friend 1 cuts across a car’s path while making a left turn onto Main Street)

          Friend 1: (Screaming out the window) At last!  I have escaped the demons of suburbia, ahahahahaha!

              Driver: Freak.

             Friend 1: (Voiceover) My trials at last are over: I have reached journey’s end, and now need a nap.  My lone takeaway of this whole ordeal: I really wanted to see that movie.

Story 352: I Conquered Seasickness – Now I Am Invincible!

            (On the phone)

            Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

            Friend 2: Hi – one of my coworkers gave me two dolphin watch tickets they can’t use now – wanna go?  It’s for this Sunday.

         Friend 1: Uh, sorry, what?  We’re swimming with the dolphins?  `Cause that’s unnatural, you know, for them.

           Friend 2: No, we’re just watching them: you go out on a boat and they usually swim right up and show off.

            Friend 1: Oh.  All right, I guess I can go then, I’m always available.

            Friend 2: Great!

            Friend 1: But maybe not, `cause I get seasick.

            Friend 2: Since when?

            Friend 1: Since forever.

            Friend 2: You went on plenty of ferry rides for field trips back when we were in school!

            Friend 1: OK, maybe I was fine then, but ever since puberty, wham!  Over the rails.  I haven’t been on a boat in 20 years.

            Friend 2: Wow, I never noticed.

           Friend 1: Yeah, it’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation.  So, it may put a bit of a crimp in my enjoyment of this little sojourn.

            Friend 2: Hmmm, that it would.  Hang on, how about if you take --------- before we go?

            Friend 1: Never tried it.  What’re the side effects?

            Friend 2: Don’t know, but check it out; most people who get seasick swear by it.

            Friend 1: Sure, I’ll go get some, but it’s rude to swear.

            Friend 2: …Yeah, see you on Sunday.

SUNDAY

            (At a dock next to a dolphin watch ship, Friend 2 waits on the bobbing pier as storm clouds threaten overhead.  Friend 1 strolls over without hesitation on the shifting boards, beaming widely)

            Friend 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  And how are we this fine morning?

            Friend 2: Did you get my message?

            Friend 1: No.  (Checks phone) Oh there it is.

           Friend 2: It’s going to pour any minute, but the company said the boat’s still going out because it’s supposed to clear up later, so I called to see if you still wanted to go since the water’s gonna be really rough.

            Friend 1: Clearly we both do.  Shall we commence boarding this here dinghy yonder?

            Friend 2: I’m guessing you took the ---------, then?

          Friend 1: I took TWO!  (Starts bouncing up and down with the pier bobbing higher and higher) Who knew what I was missing all these years, wheeee!!!

           Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Let’s just get on board before I change my mind.

            (The passengers and crew board the ship and they set off into increasingly choppy waters and pouring rain; Friends 1 and 2 find seats on the upper deck)

         Friend 1: (Pointing) Look!  A seagull!  (Pointing) Look!  A buoy!  (Pointing) Look!  A swimming human!

            Friend 2: We haven’t left the harbor yet.

          Friend 1: I know, and already there’s so much to see!  (The ship increases speed and starts heaving up and down in the waves) Yippee, we even get a thrill ride on top of everything else, this is AWESOME!

            Friend 2: (Turning pale) And we haven’t left the harbor yet.

           Friend 1: You already said that.  (Rummages in a knapsack and holds out food) By the way, I grabbed our complimentary muffins when we got here – want yours now?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the muffin and swallows with difficulty) No thank you.

            Friend 1: I’ll save it for later.  (Munches on the other muffin)

            (Several minutes later, dolphins are spotted near the ship)

            Friend 1: (Runs on a downward slant towards a side railing) Awwww, they’re so cute!  Look at them frolic!  Hello, fellow mammals, I wish we could return to our home in the sea and hang out with you all forever!

            Friend 2: (Holding onto the back of a bench as the ship sways) Not right now, I don’t.

           Friend 1: You should come over and see this!  They’re so many of them all around as if they’re trying to herd us inland, and the lighting shows off their shiny skin wonderfully!

           Friend 2: (Stands unsteadily) I’m going to head downstairs for a bit.  (Lurches down the stairs)

           Friend 1: Sure thing – watch your step, the whole deck is soaked!  (Hears clicking from the dolphins’ echolocation and looks down at the nearest group) What’s that?  “Go back to shore, you stupid land animals”?  Freakin’ adorable.

            (Later, Friend 2 is seated in the lower deck and leaning against a window when Friend 1 plops down on the same bench)

            Friend 1: (Drinking from a bottle and holding out another to Friend 2) Juice?  This was free, too.

            Friend 2: (Looks at the bottle and turns green) Please get that thing away from me.

           Friend 1: All righty.  (Does so) I don’t get it – everyone here is acting all droopy, barely even glancing at a single dolphin in the hundreds out there, and they all actually paid money to be here!  (The ship dips very low, then high up while cresting a wave; there are many moans and groans) Yesssss!!!!  This is so much better than a roller coaster, I swear!

            Friend 2: (Bent over while seated, head between knees) I thought it was rude to swear.

            Friend 1: Well, this is a day of many firsts in my life, let me tell you.  (Suddenly looks out the window and points) Oh wow, the rain’s coming down in actual curtains and that big ol’ whale still is coming up for air!  Nature is absolutely amazing!

            Friend 2: Can you scootch over so I can lie down?

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh sure, I’m actually going to head back up top: no one else is out there now, so I figured I can climb on top of the wheelhouse and really get a good view!

            Friend 2: (Lies down while Friend 1 leaves) That’s great, go to town, bye-bye.

            (Several minutes later, Friend 1 shakes Friend 2 awake)

            Friend 2: Huh?  Is it finally over?

           Friend 1: What?  No, I just wanted to let you know the crew abandoned ship so I’ll be at the helm steering us back to shore if you need anything.

            Friend 2: (Bolts upright) WHAT?!

           Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s got a steering wheel like a car and the engines are still running so all I’ve gotta do is aim and brake, bye!  (Runs back upstairs, whistling a sea chanty)

          (Friend 2 slowly stands as the ship sways wildly, sees the quickly approaching beach, and screams with the other passengers as they run aground)

            Friend 1: (At the helm) THIS IS THE BEST TRIP EVER!  (Somehow holds onto the helm so as not to go flying through the front window when the ship crashes)

           (Later as emergency services assist the passengers now on the beach, Friend 2 finds Friend 1 sitting on a random boulder and staring out at the now-calm ocean)

            Friend 2: Well, that could’ve gone much worse.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.

           Friend 2: I mean, aside from some bumps and bruises, everyone’s surprisingly all right.

            Friend 1: Oh good.

          Friend 2: Yeah, so I just heard now the company that ran this tour wasn’t certified – I should’ve checked it out when I was given the tickets, but who thinks when you get something for free, right?

            Friend 1: You said it.

            Friend 2: You OK?

            Friend 1: …I think I’m crashing.

            Friend 2: You already crashed – splendidly, I might add; we all owe you one.

           Friend 1: No, I mean from the ---------.  I think it’s starting to wear off, and it’s kicking my butt on the way out.  (Looks at Friend 2 with heavy eyelids)

            Friend 2: Oh.  (Sits on the boulder and puts a blanket around Friend 1) Want to take a nap?

           Friend 1: Maybe.  (Leans head on Friend 2’s shoulder) You know the weirdest thing about all this?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t know where to start.

           Friend 1: It’s just that, I know their jaws are fixed like that, and I’m probably projecting, but the whole time we were out there, I’m certain the dolphins were laughing at us.

            Friend 2: I’d believe it.