Story 498: Seed of Discontent

The blueberry seed fit quite nicely in the seed-shaped dent worn into the human molar.

“Ahhhhhh,” Seed sighed, settling in.

“Hey!  Hey!  Hey!”  Molar addressed the invasion.  “Who invited you?!”

“Apparently, your Mouth did.”  Seed replied while relaxing farther into the crevice.

“Yeah, well, keep moving, pal!” Molar snapped.  “You’re doing absolutely no good up here – you’re needed in Digestive Tract and then Circulatory System, stat!”

Seed thought this over.  “Hmm, continue on my journey to be torn apart into my basic elements so they can fuel this organism, or stay right here and enjoy the view for days, possibly decades.”

“Ugh!”

“Yep, I think I’ll stay put.  Keep you company and all that.”

“As if!  You’re gonna slowly wear me away into my basic elements, that’s what gonna happen here!”

Seed gasped in horror.  “I would never!  As you can clearly perceive, of the two of us, I’m not the one who rips other beings apart in the service of a gluttonous overlord!”

“Maybe not, but your very presence, nestled deep in my enamel with no escape, is enough to summon the dreaded PLAQUE!”

“The what now?”

A tiny group wearing construction hats and carrying jackhammers and pickaxes appear on cue.

“So,” Lead Plaque asks Seed, “we heard there’s an opening here in Tooth #19?”

“Oh, I suppose so,” Seed replies gingerly.

“All right, fellas, get to work!”  The members of Plaque Crew shimmy under Seed and they all begin swinging pickaxes or aiming jackhammers at the enamel.

“NO-NO-NO!”  Molar focuses on Lead Plaque.  “You: tell your posse to hold up for two minutes!”

The members of Plaque Crew stop.  “This is highly irregular,” Lead Plaque states.

“Sincerest regrets!”  Molar then addresses Seed.  “You: get outta here, now!”

In a huff, Seed replies: “Well, even if I wanted to leave my happy new home, circumstances prevent: I find myself to be completely, and apparently irrevocably, stuck.”

“This is so unfair!” Molar wails.  “My lifetime record of zero cavities is going to be utterly ruined by one seed!”  Switching tactics, Molar places a panic call.  “Brain!  Brain, hear me!  I’m in distress!”

Brain opens a channel to the normally silent appendage: “Oh, hey Tooth #19, what’s up?”

“Brain, I know you’re incredibly busy, and you know I usually don’t bother you with minor infractions, but we have a situation here that is simply too egregious to ignore!”

“Oh?”  Molar sends Brain the sensations of Seed’s presence against its surface.  “Ohhhh.  Let’s take a closer look, shall we?”  Brain maneuvers Body to a reflective surface and opens Mouth.  “Oh yes, this will not do.  Time for pointy objects.”

Molar, Seed, and Plaque Crew watch as Left Hand descends to Molar with a pointy object aimed at Seed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Seed and Plaque Crew scream in unison.  Seed is prodded multiple times from a variety of angles but there is no upward or outward movement.

“Hate to say it,” Seed says to Molar during a pause in the attack, “but I think this is just burrowing me deeper into the dent.”

“I noticed,” Molar grinds out.

The members of Plaque Crew take up their pickaxes and jackhammers again: “So, we’re going to go ahead and get back to work here if you don’t mind,” Lead Plaque says to Molar.

“I do, actually,” Molar snips back.

“Too bad.”  The members of Plaque Crew begin digging again.

“Hellllp,” Molar quietly wails.

“Sorry,” Seed says somewhat genuinely while settling back in comfort, “looks like I’m here to – WHAT IN THE WORLD?!”

The group watches in fascinated horror as an extremely long and pointy object descends into Mouth and scrapes apart Seed enough for the original pointy object to remove the remains.

On the way out, Seed proclaims: “Remember meeeeeeeee….”

In disgust, Lead Plaque gestures to the rest of the Crew to knock it off and leave.  “Whelp, foiled again; let’s go.”  To Molar: “We’ll be back with the next one.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Molar then addresses Brain: “Thank you so much, Brain; I thought that thing would be stuck in me forever!”

“Sure, no problem,” Brain says evasively.

“I have to ask: was that an actual knife you used at the end there?”

“….Maybe.”

“Not to sound ungrateful, but isn’t that one of those things everybody recommends not to do?”

“I know, it very much is, but I really didn’t want us to have to go through a whole extra dentist appointment when they’d only be using basically the same basic pointy thing to get rid of it, right?”

“Not exactly on the same scale.”

Story 443: Human Body Complaint Desk

 (Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)

Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?

Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah?  It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.

Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?

Heart: Definitely.  Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet?  I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.

Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out.  Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.

Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta!  (Jogs off)

Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them.  Next!  (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”

Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it.  (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient.  I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –

Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.

Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.

Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?

Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.

Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.

Tongue: Quite.  So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!

Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!

Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!

Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.

Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ!  I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.

Brain: So what’s the problem?

Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that!  (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)

Ginger: `Sup.

Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you?  You haven’t minded in the past.

Tongue: Well!  Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good!  (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!

Tongue: Ugh!  (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)

Brain: Huh.  What’s that doing there?

Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!

Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.

Tongue: Right.  So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –

Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!

Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –

Ginger: Easy there, buddy.

Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?

Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week!  And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload!  (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!

Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.

Right Eye: No biggie.

Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!

Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?

Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.

Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.

Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day.  (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?

Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.

Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say?  We get the job done.

Tongue: But what about me???!!!

(Everyone else stares at Tongue)

Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it.  And I’m not sorry.  (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!

Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!

Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –

Tongue: I do now!  Is that so wrong?!

Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.

Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!

Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.

Ginger: Don’t push it.

Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.

Small Intestines: I’ll say.

Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!

(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)

Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair!  I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!

Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK?  And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.

Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you!  (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this!  (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !

Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!

Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.

Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget.  (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)

Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it.  (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?

Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Brain: (Taken aback) Oh.  Thank you.  So this isn’t a complaint, then?

Spinal Cord: Not at all!  It’s positive feedback!

Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 307: Probiotic vs. Antibiotic

           (Scene: A battlefield, temporarily inactive.  There is a large tent for the commanding officer, who is inside writing a letter)

            General Antibiotic: “Dear Host, I hope this missive finds you well, or at the very least, on the mend.  I wish to report that our first round of troops met with limited success: we cleared the outer perimeter of the wound and have made several inroads, but if we are going to have any sort of lasting impact then I am afraid another round is needed, and perhaps the dosage increased to twice daily.  Then, I am confident, we will have the proper numbers to sufficiently overwhelm the destructive invaders and KILL THEM ALL.  On a side note, there are a several rabble-rousers in their midst who seem to have clashed with us in other venues and are now unable to be destroyed; however, by the time we have completed our mission there will be too few of them to cause any significant trouble, I should think.  To be on the safe side, though, best keep an eye on the state of your digestive tract going forward, if you take my meaning.  Affectionately Yours, General Antibiotic.”

            Soldier: (Enters the tent) Sir!  Someone here to see you!

            General Antibiotic: One of the enemy?

            Soldier: Not exactly – says they’re practically a resident.

            General Antibiotic: All right, send `em in.

            (Soldier holds open a tent flap to let in a disheveled visitor)

            General Antibiotic: Welcome!  Have a seat.  (They both sit)  And, you are…?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Lactobacillus Acidophilus.

            General Antibiotic: Of course, of course, how could I have forgotten?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: You know me?

         General Antibiotic: Not personally, but I know that your kind and the Host have a lovely mutually beneficial living arrangement.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: That we do.

            General Antibiotic: So.  What brings on this visit?

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: First of all, I have to say you and your regiment certainly achieve results.  I mean, when you come in, you really come in, if you know what I mean – take no prisoners, wipe them all out, etc.  Very efficient.

          General Antibiotic: Why, thank you – we take great pride in our work.  Leave no organism alive, and we stick to that motto, yes indeedy.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yes, well, the flip side of that work ethic is a bit of a problem.

          General Antibiotic: How so?  We’re designed to wipe them all out, so we wipe them all out, end of story.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Exactly: the “all” part of that sentence.  (General Antibiotic stares blankly)  You’re killing all of us, too, dude!

            General Antibiotic: Well, we don’t discriminate.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Then how do you expect the Host to survive after you’ve completed your carnage?  We’re the ones keeping the really bad guys at bay; once you’ve finished demolishing us and go wherever it is you disintegrate to, those jerks are gonna move right in!  En masse!

           General Antibiotic: I must say, you didn’t do such a great job keeping out this current lot we’re taking care of now, you know.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: That’s not our department!  We’re maintenance; this was a failure in wound repair!

        General Antibiotic: Look, my figurative hands are tied.  We’re not from nature, and our specifications are not advanced enough to target individual types of your kind and let the rest of you be, so right now it’s either deal with the unfortunate collateral damage or find yourself a new Host as this one destroys itself trying to destroy the enemy.

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Can’t you just, I don’t know, not kill as many of us each time?

          General Antibiotic: Quite impossible: we strive for 100% with each and every foray.  We know we will not achieve 100%, but as a matter of professional pride, strive we must.  We usually manage to hit 99%.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yeah, 99% of us, too!  What are we supposed to do?!

            General Antibiotic: That’s not our department.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Clearly!  Your department is death!

          General Antibiotic: Exactly.  We’re doing what you folks obviously couldn’t; it’s regrettable that these scenarios are always all-or-nothing, but the best I can advise is that you send a request to the Host for backup in the form of yogurt, soy milk, or pills like the ones that transported my regiment.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Send a request?  The Host doesn’t listen to us – they barely know we exist!  I can’t even get the nervous system to relay a message; every time I do it just crashes up against the cerebrum and dissipates!

            General Antibiotic: Oh.  Then who I have been sending reports to this whole time?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Yourself, apparently!

            General Antibiotic: (Shakes self out of reverie) No matter; they’ll figure it out.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Figure what out?

            General Antibiotic: My request for more troops.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: More?!

         General Antibiotic: Oh yes, this is just the beginning – it’s hard to tell at the start of any campaign how many waves of destruction will be needed, but it seems now that at least one more week’s onslaught should just about finish these hooligans off.  Although, I suspect it might be another two weeks, since they’re being especially stubborn.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: And also finish us off!  (Stands) It seems my kind and I have no choice but to join the enemy and fight with them against you!

          General Antibiotic: (Starts writing another letter) I wouldn’t advise it: you’ll be destroyed either way, so you’re better off focusing your remaining energies on keeping the Host alive until you’re obliterated.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: You –

          General Antibiotic: (Looks up again) Ooh, here’s an idea: why not make yourself and your crew resistant to us, like some of those nasties we’ve seen out there – that way at least some of you just might make it to the end, yes?

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Oh, make ourselves antibiotic-resistant just like that, huh?

          General Antibiotic: Uh-huh – who knows, you might even be so already, seeing as you’re still here and I haven’t killed you yet.

            Lactobacillus Acidophilus: Haven’t killed – ?

        General Antibiotic: (Hears skirmishing outside and heads for the tent entrance to listen) Speaking of which, you’d best be moving along now – sounds like the games are starting up again and we wouldn’t want to be caught in the crossfire, would we?

          Lactobacillus Acidophilus: (Opens the tent flaps and sees a battle raging outside; while running away) I hate you so muuuuuuuuuuccccchhhhh….

            General Antibiotic: (Smiles before plunging into the fracas) I love a job well done.