(Bird 1 paces on a telephone wire as Bird 2 flies up to land nearby)
Bird 2: Hey-hey, what’s-up-what’s-up?
Bird 1: Oh, not much; just waiting for the fledgling to show her face one of these days, that’s all.
Bird 2: Ah. How’s the whole “Not letting this one leave the nest” experiment going?
Bird 1: (Stops pacing and sighs) Not as well as I’d like. I was hoping that not kicking this one out on Day 15 of existence would bring us closer together and give me some non-demanding company over the course of our lives, but it seems to have created a whole bunch of new problems instead.
Bird 2: Oh? Like what?
Bird 1: (Looks up suddenly) You’ll find out – she’s coming in for a landing right now.
(Bird 3, with a self-made crest no one else sports and what appears to be berry juice drawn in circles around the eyes, lands with a thud on the wire, dislodging a few other birds down the line)
Bird 3: (Looking elsewhere with an air of indifference) `Sup.
Bird 1: (Flaps wings in agitation) And where have you been, hm?
Bird 3: (Preens wing tips) Oh, you know – around.
Bird 2: (Side-stepping down the wire) Yeah, I’m going to take this opportunity to… leave. (Cannot fly away fast enough)
Bird 1: (Not even acknowledging the exit, continues addressing Bird 2) Uh-huh. You know very well that this is the first day of mating season –
Bird 3: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.
Bird 1: – and you’re not going to get any males even wanting to attract your attention and lifelong devotion if you insist on looking like that. (Waves a wing up and down at Bird 3)
Bird 3: (Finally looks at Bird 1) Good! Maybe I don’t want any males wanting to attract my attention!
Bird 1: (Gasps in horror) But – but – but – babies!
Bird 3: What about `em?!
Bird 1: How are you supposed to have any if you don’t have males parade around in front of you strutting their stuff?!
Bird 3: Guess I won’t be, then. (Bird 1 gasps even louder) I’m sure the species will survive a lone female bowing out of the biological cycle just this once.
Bird 1: Swoon! (Nearly faints off the wire; Bird 3 grabs a wing and steadies her) I have never in all my two years of life ever heard such abominable heresy! What would your father say – rest his feathered soul – if he could hear you now?!
Bird 3: I’m sure he’d wish he could’ve bowed out of the whole thing, too – it couldn’t have been easy providing for four sets of chicks a year.
Bird 1: Aiiii!!!
Bird 3: I wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal about it: all of my brothers and sisters seem to be content with continuing the family line, so you have plenty of grandkids to ensure our species’ survival.
Bird 1: I can only hope! They all dispersed after leaving the nest – they never visit, they never send any songs my way! You, on the other wing, I kept by my side hoping we could remain a family for longer than most, with you, your mate, and your many, many offspring!
Bird 3: Very progressive of you, but clearly misjudged.
Bird 1: (Wrings wings) Ooh, what will I say to all the others when they ask about you and your nonexistent brood?!
Bird 3: I dunno: tell `em a hawk got me or something.
Bird 1: (Stops wringing) Don’t even joke about that! Although I’m feeling almost as bad as if one did!
Bird 3: Figures.
Bird 1: Just help me to understand: what do you plan on doing with your life if you’re not going to spend it producing more of us, may I ask?
Bird 3: (More animated) I’ve given that a lot of thought, actually: I’ve decided to migrate across the wide East Waters and explore the lands there that the albatrosses are always talking about.
Bird 1: (Beak drops open in astonishment) Migrate across the East Waters?! We’re not built for that kind of distance, and there’ll be absolutely no food you’ll be able to get until you’ve finally reached the ends of the Earth! What are you thinking – you’ll never make it!
Bird 3: Ah, there’s a trick, though: you know those huge metal vessels that the humans go around in?
Bird 1: You mean like the one your father – rest his feathered soul – flew into?
Bird 3: Not the ones on land – the ones on the waters.
Bird 1: Oh. Yes, I’ve seen few of those, here and there.
Bird 3: Well, word is that you find the biggest one leaving land, one that looks like a floating city, snag a safe cubby somewhere along the outer edge, and hang out there until it reaches land on the other side! Easy food, easy water, easy shelter – just don’t get caught, and be prepared to wind up where you started if it turns out to be a dinner cruise.
Bird 1: (Holds head in wings) My own chick, one I fed with my own digested food and sheltered with my own body against the elements both inside and outside the shell, is not only refusing to take part in the only command issued to us by Nature, but is choosing to embark on the life of a – a – scavenger!
Bird 3: You say that like it’s a bad thing; some of my best friends are scavengers.
Bird 1: (Looks back at Bird 3) You know very well my feelings about your associating with those… carrion feeders.
Bird 3: They’re called “vultures”, Mother!
(Another bird flies toward them and lands on the wire nearby)
Bird 1: (Waves a wing at Bird 3) Ooh! Ooh! Here comes a male! Just give him a chance, please? For my sake?
Bird 3: (Folds wings across chest and turns head away) Fine.
Bird 4: (Has side-stepped to the other two) Hello, ladies.
Bird 1: Hello, good sir. (Drags Bird 3 closer) This is my daughter – (Mutters to Bird 3) At least have some manners.
Bird 3: (Without looking at Bird 4) Hey.
Bird 4: (Puffs out chest) So: you both know why I’m here.
Bird 1: Oh yes, tee-hee-hee!
Bird 4: Allow me to… prove my worth to you, then. Ahem. (Flings wings open wide to display striking colors and starts to tap dance without tap shoes) Ta – da – da – da, ta – da – da – da – da, da – da – da – da – DA! Da – da – da – da –
Bird 3: (Finally shakes off Bird 1) All right, that’s enough. (Starts waving wings at Bird 4) Hey – hey buddy –
Bird 4: – da – da – da – da –
Bird 3: COOL IT!
Bird 4: (Stops suddenly and lowers wings) Not your thing? I’ve gotten a dozen other varieties I can show you instead – it’s my first mating season, so I’m a little nervous as you probably can tell, heh-heh-heh.
Bird 3: (Grabs Bird 4 around the head) Listen: don’t degrade yourself like this just because everyone makes you think that your only purpose in life is to make multiple versions of yourself!
Bird 4: It’s… not?
Bird 3: (Releases Bird 4’s head) Yes! You are more than a gene carrier!
Bird 4: Oh, I know: I have to protect and provide for my mate and chicks, too. Which I think you’ll see I am more than adequate in that area with my next performance, ahem. (Flings open wings and begins to dance again)
Bird 3: No-no-no!
Bird 4: (Stops dancing and lowers wings) No good? How about this, then? (Starts to raise wings again)
Bird 3: (Reaches out to lower Bird 4’s wings) What I mean is, life is more than making babies!
Bird 4: (Slowly blinks) I don’t understand.
Bird 3: Tell me, you’re, what, a few months old, right?
Bird 4: (Puffs out chest again) Just turned six months yesterday.
Bird 3: You have so much of your life ahead of you! So much of the world to explore, outside of this one square mile we’ve trapped ourselves in! Yes, it’s dangerous out there, and yes, we won’t be happy all the time, but at least we’ll have lived! And then, if you still want to have babies after that, by all means, have all the babies you want! Your dances were amazing; I’m sure any other female would gladly pick you as an acceptable co-parent!
Bird 4: Really? You think so?
Bird 3: Definitely! And if after experiencing life you decide not to have babies, that’s fine too! Plenty of others will pick up the slack; one or two of us won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things!
Bird 4: Wow. That all sounds pretty awesome now that I think about it. (Nods definitively) You know what? That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!
Bird 3: Great!
Bird 4: (Facing the sky) Look out, world! Here I come! (Flies away triumphantly, narrowly escaping a nearby hawk)
Bird 1: (Glares at Bird 3) Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, now you’re recruiting?!
Bird 3: (Laughs) Relax, Mother: I’m flying off to my all-inclusive migration now, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing anyone else. (Hugs Bird 1, who hugs her back) See you next spring! (Flies east)
Bird 1: (Sighs while watching Bird 3 recede into the distance) Never thought this’d be the way she’d finally leave the nest. (Eyes widen in realization) Mother was right: I really did have a fledgling who grew up to be just like me!
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