Story 406: If You Could Choose Any Superpower…

 Friend 1: …WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Friend 2: HUH?!

Friend 1: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME – YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

Friend 2: WELL, WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EARSPLITTING CONCERT AND YOUR QUESTION IS CLEARLY OFF-TOPIC, SO IT’S JUST TAKING ME A LITTLE WHILE TO CATCH UP!

Friend 1: FINE, I’LL WAIT TILL INTERMISSION!

INTERMISSION

Friend 1: SO, IF YOU COULD –

Friend 2: You don’t have to bellow now; the noise level’s reduced slightly.

Friend 1: Sorry, my ears are still ringing a bit.

Friend 2: You know, that may actually be a sign of hearing lo-

Friend 1: SO, what I scream-asked earlier was: If you could choose any superpower, what would it be?

Friend 2: …Whyyyyyy?????

Friend 1: I was thinking I wanted to enhance our concert-going experience since we’re in the next-to-last row on the ceiling, and I can’t decide which would be best: super-vision?  Super-hearing?  Invisibility?

Friend 2: That last one would certainly help if everyone else had it: we finally could see the stage at least.

Friend 1: Yeah, but then they’d get up to all sorts of mischief without any accountability whatsoever.

Friend 2: Oh yeah.  Ew.  Never mind.

Friend 1: Teleportation?  Front row seats.

Friend 2: Heh, that one’d also shave time off my daily commute.  We can keep this power after the concert, right?

Friend 1: Oh yes, it’s yours for life, but only the one.

Friend 2: (Thinks for a few moments) I’d probably choose telekinesis.

Friend 1: Really?  Not telepathy?

Friend 2: Gosh no – do you really want to know what everyone’s thinking, all the time?  It’d be no end of revulsion.

Friend 1: Good point.  So telekinesis then?

Friend 2: Oh yeah: zero-effort opening doors, changing TV channels, getting stuff out of the fridge, moving weirdos outta my way, the works.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Thinks on this) Oooohhhh….

Friend 2: Yeah, I figured that’d appeal to your innate laziness.

Friend 1: Hey!  I’m not lazy!

Friend 2: Course you are.  And with telekinesis, you’d barely have to move a muscle ever again, if you really wanted.  A sloth’s paradise.

Friend 1: I like sloths.  They take the time to appreciate life.

(The band re-emerges on the stage and the audience stands and screams their approval)

 Friend 2: (Also standing) `K-THEY’RE-BACK-DON’T-SPEAK-FOR-ANOTHER-TWO-HOURS-WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Friend 1: (Stands slowly, stares inwardly, and whispers to self) And no one would ever mess with me again.

Friend 2: WHAT?

Friend 1: I SAID “WOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 wakes up, sits on the edge of the bed, and stares thoughtfully at a pair of slippers on the floor)

Friend 1: (Whispers to them) Move.  (The slippers wobble, then fly onto Friend 1’s feet) Whoa.  (Looks around) Must still be asleep.

(After getting dressed and going to the kitchen, Friend 1 stares at the refrigerator before holding a hand out to the handle without touching it.  The door opens suddenly so the handle goes into Friend 1’s hand)

Friend 1: (Staring at the open refrigerator with wide eyes) Just hungry?

(At the supermarket, Friend 1 pushes a shopping cart up and down the aisles; surreptitiously looking around to make sure no one is nearby, Friend 1 lets go of the cart but keeps hands hovering over the handle so that it still moves forward, then grips the handle again tightly)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Momentum.

(In Produce, Friend 1 stands in front of the apple section and unobtrusively floats several of them in the air to check for bruises; as a fellow shopper comes nearer, Friend 1 hurriedly grabs a few apples and shoves them into a bag before rushing the cart away)

Friend 1: (To Shopper) What, I didn’t see that, you’re imagining things!

Shopper: (Without looking up from the dragon fruit) Don’t talk to me.

(On the way home, Friend 1 giddily and literally drives hands-free)

Friend 1: Look, Ma!  No hands!  (Sees a traffic light turn from yellow to red) Oh shoot.  (Grabs the wheel and slams the brake)

(On a walk through town, Friend 1 hover-bounces a basketball along the sidewalk until seeing a construction site where an excavator is being used to create a huge hole)

Friend 1: (Drops the ball and addresses the construction workers) Never fear, good people!  Your deliverance is at hand!  (Raises arms to lift a lot more dirt out of the ground and dump it on the growing pile near the excavator.  The construction workers all stare in shock at the dirt, then at Friend 1) No need to thank me!

Supervisor: We won’t – the hole’s way too big now, you freak!

Friend 1: No need for name-calling, honest citizen!  I’ll just put some of it back – (Raises arms and some of the dirt pile simultaneously)

Construction Workers: (Hold their arms out in front of them) Whoa-whoa-stop!

Supervisor: You’re making more of a mess, and you’ll put us all out of a job!  Just – beat it!

Friend 1: (Lowers arms and dirt, then sighs) The inevitable public backlash.  I should retire from my superheroic endeavors while my good name’s still intact.  (Skips away while hover-bouncing the basketball again)

Supervisor: (To colleague) Who was that clown anyway?  (Is answered with a shrug, and the entire event is forgotten immediately by all present)

(Back home, Friend 1 hovers a finger over the cell phone to select and call Friend 2’s number from the contact list)

Friend 2: Hel-lo, ears still vibrating from last night?

Friend 1: Yes – listen, I tried it today and decided the whole thing just isn’t working out.

Friend 2: You neglected to mention the topic of conversation.

Friend 1: The telekinesis thing!  I’ve done it, and it’s just not worth it.

Friend 2: You’ve still lost me in the woods of your brain.

Friend 1: I’ve done it all – using it for minor conveniences, trying to save the world, the whole shebang: the people have already turned against me, and now I can’t risk you, my lifelong friend, eventually transforming into my ultimate nemesis I’ll have to regrettably destroy, I just can’t!

Friend 2: What are you talking – ?

Friend 1: No superpower is worth losing our souls or our unbreakable friendship over, so don’t try to misguidedly convince me otherwise!

Friend 2: OK.  I won’t.  I’m going back to dinner with my parents now.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry to interrupt, tell `em I said “Hi!”

Friend 2: Will do – bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Sets down the phone, then walks over to the living room window and stares heroically out it) The eternal quandary: in order to save the world, I must give up the power I love most.  It’s a noble sacrifice I’ll gladly suffer in silence for.  (Suddenly looks down at the ground near the apartment building and sees an oblivious car about to clip an oblivious jogger; Friend 1 holds out a hand and delays the jogger long enough to miss the car; both continue on their oblivious ways.  Friend 1 grimaces slightly, eyes darting around in guilt) Maybe just that once.

Story 402: Replacement Pianist

 (Backstage, 20 minutes before showtime)

Singer: (To Stage Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner yet?  They’re usually here before I am, and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my professional life.  I don’t like it much.

Stage Manager: We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!

Pianist: (Appears suddenly) `Sup.

Singer: Ohhhh, hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together before.

Pianist: No prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out.  (Yawns)

Singer: Yeah, that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and we continually play off each other, know what I mean?

Pianist: Sure-sure, if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.

Singer: That’s not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing together –

Pianist: Guess the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?

Singer: Practically the whole show’s an ad lib!  I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction!  The show is a living, breathing thing!

Pianist: Wow.  No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a ticket here: this all sounds very involved.

Singer: A hundred – ?!

Stage Manager: (To Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the show last minute.

Singer: (Whips out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this!  (Calls Partner)

Partner: (Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!

Singer: (Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.

Stage Manager: Great!  (Runs away to cue everyone)

Pianist: So, this show got an intermission?

Singer: Intermissions ruin my momentum.

Pianist: Then we may have a problem about 45 minutes in.

(Showtime)

Stage Manager: (On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big round of applause to tonight’s star performer!

(Audience applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)

Singer: (Arrives at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water) Hello, all!  I already love you.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Singer: Now, let’s begin with one of my favorites.  (Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.

Pianist: (Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one?  (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the corresponding sheet music and begins playing)

Singer: (To Audience) You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just like this.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: How long you want me to keep playing the intro?

Singer: I’ll signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –

Pianist: A nod, a wave, a scream, what?

Singer: …I’ll say “Go.”

Pianist: (Shrugs) Your show.

Singer: (To Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –

Pianist: Any idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark?  My fingers are getting bored.

Singer: …Go.

(They perform several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)

Singer: This next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my Broadway debut.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: Funny story: I actually saw you in that.  You’ve gotten better.

Singer: (Smiling through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!

(They get halfway through the song)

Pianist: (Stops playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.

Singer: (Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the classics, aren’t you all?  (Audience applauds)

Pianist: I don’t think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out.  The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and rightfully so.

Singer: (Smiling strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Pianist: Argh, I’ve gotta play this one all over again?!  (Starts the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)

(Finale)

Singer: (After finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one more?

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: No.

Singer: Number 35!

(They perform three more songs)

Singer: Thank you, I love you, good night!

Pianist: Ahem!

Singer: And let’s give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist!  (Applauds Pianist)

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: You all cheer at anything.

(Backstage)

Stage Manager: That was great!  And demand was so high for this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night!  Your manager said you were available.

Singer: Did they now.  Well, my partner should be out of traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated.  (To Pianist) It’s been real.

Pianist: Yeah, I’ve had worse.

Singer: I haven’t.  (Starts to leave)

Pianist: Hey, one more thing?

Singer: (Turns back sharply) What?!

Pianist: Can I have your autograph?

Story 395: You’ll Get Your Money… When I Finally Remember to Bring It

 (Friend 1 is lounging on the couch, reading a magazine featuring scandalous misdemeanors, when the phone rings)

Friend 1: Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at home) Hey, I’m trying to order the Manly Men concert tickets and the first hundred rows are already sold out!

Friend 1: Bummer.  How long ago’d they go on sale?

Friend 2: About two minutes!

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: The best seats I can get right now are in the middle of the second upper mezzanine – no, wait, those are gone, too….

Friend 1: Just pick any seats and bill me later – at this point I don’t care where we sit as long as the price is not pushing $1,000 and the view is neither partially nor fully obstructed.

Friend 2: (Clicking the mouse wildly) OK, OK, I think I got something halfway decent, and now it’s counting down for me to enter payment or they’ll release the seats again, ooh, the pressure!

Friend 1: I’m hanging up so you can concentrate – text me my total.  (Disconnects the call and reimmerses in the magazine) Hm, thought that dude just wanted to land on Mars; didn’t realize they wanted to relocate it….

 THE NEXT DAY

 (Friend 1 and Friend 2 meet at a café for lunch)

Friend 2: Sooo, I managed to snag seats in the last row left orchestra – I apologize in advance if the only reason those were available is because everyone else knows they’re the worst.

Friend 1: I don’t really care – it’ll be nice having no one directly behind us screaming in our ears, and an easy exit to boot.  Maybe we can sneak out during the last encore and beat the crowds –

Friend 2: ABSOLUTELY NOT!  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) Sorry – this is my one obsession in life.

Friend 1: You’re allowed.

Friend 2: You get my text with your share?

Friend 1: Oh yeah – (Looks at the cell phone) You want check or cash?

Friend 2: Can’t you just transfer it to my account?

Friend 1: Please: you’re lucky I even have a smartphone.  Check or cash is all I do, unless you take a credit card.

Friend 2: I’m not a business so, no.  Check is fine.

Friend 1: Great!  I’ll have it next time I see you.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (On a park trail)

Friend 2: – and then I said, “Just because you messed up the project, how is this now my problem?”, and then –

Friend 1: (Stops short on the trail) Oh, shoot!

Friend 2: (Also stops, looking around quickly) What, what?  Is it deer hunting season already?

Friend 1: No, I just remembered I had the check all ready for you and I forgot to bring it with me!

Friend 2: The check?  Oh, for the concert ticket?

Friend 1: Yes!  It’s still sitting on the kitchen counter, where I left it so I wouldn’t forget it!

Friend 2: No big deal; you can give it to me later.

Friend 1: It’s dated for today!

Friend 2: So?  I’m given 90 days to deposit it, or the funds go back into your account anyway.

Friend 1: But it feels all wrong.

Friend 2: You’ve got a lot of hang-ups.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (At an amusement park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line for a roller coaster)

Friend 1: This ride’d better be worth it – my line-waiting limit is two hours.

Friend 2: You’re generous: we’ve been here for a quarter of that and I’m two seconds away from marching over to that stand and demanding a lemonade.

Friend 1: I refuse to throw away time invested – uh-oh.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I just realized I left the check on the kitchen counter again!

Friend 2: Oh, that?  Just get it on the way home tonight.

Friend 1: But I picked you up!  We’d have to go past your place to mine and then back again!

Friend 2: All right, then leave it for next time, it’ll keep.

Friend 1: Arrgggghhhhh….

Amusement Park Employee: Sorry folks, ride’s gotta shut down for repairs.

Friend 1: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!

Friend 2: Drama queen.

 THE NIGHT OF THE CONCERT

(Friend 2 arrives at Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Opens the door and holds out a check) Aha!  I’ve got it!  I’ve been holding this for the past three hours so I’d actually have it on me when I saw you!  And the timing couldn’t have been better since the show’s tonight – !

Friend 2: (Snatches the check and shoves Friend 1 out the door) That’s great, let’s go, I want to see my Men!

THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

(At a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are kayaking leisurely)

Friend 1: You know, I’m not their biggest fan, but I do admire their vocals and choreography.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: And they have excellent stamina for their… well, you know… none of us are getting any younger, am-I-right?

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: (Turns back slightly to see Friend 2, also turning the kayak slightly) What’s up?  I thought you had a great time that night.

Friend 2: Huh?  Oh, I did, it was a blast, I’ll never forget it.

Friend 1: But…?

Friend 2: Uh, well, you remember that whole thing with the check for you ticket?

Friend 1: Yes, and I still feel the burning shame about the horrendous –

Friend 2: Yeah-yeah-yeah – I guess what I’ve been wondering about is, does your bank penalize your account for, I don’t know, a stop payment request for a check?

Friend 1: (Flatly) …Why.

Friend 2: I think I lost it.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!