Story 635: Antivirus Software: You Get What You Pay For

             (In an electronics store, Customer is at the register purchasing a laptop)

Cashier: So, along with the laptop itself, would you like document and spreadsheet software?

Customer: How much extra?

Cashier: $150.

Customer: Heck no – I’ll wing it.

Cashier: OK, how about extra memory?

Customer: No – I’ll cross that bridge when I run out of it.

Cashier: Company credit card for discounts that you may or may not need?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Protection plan?

Customer: No.

Cashier: Antivirus software?

Customer: No – actually, that one I will need the second I access the Inter-disgusting-net.  What are the options?

Cashier: Well, there’s this premium version – (Gestures to a nearby figure dressed in a tuxedo)

Premium Antivirus Software: (Smoothly) I’m here for your every need, always.  Let me protect you from all the perils of that dangerous online world out there, my sweet.

Customer: Ew.  (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $200 a year.

Customer: Hard pass.  What else?

Cashier: Well, there’s a pretty good one that covers almost everything the first one does, just not as customized.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in a suit)

Pretty Good Antivirus Software: Never fear, your protector is here!  Not as personal, but just as protective!  (Thumbs-up at Customer)

Premium Antivirus Software: Hmpf.  No class whatsoever.

Customer: (To Cashier) Not bad – how much?

Cashier: $125 a year.

Customer: Whoo-hoo no – next!

Cashier: Well, if those options don’t suit you, there’s always the… basic software.  (Gestures to a nearby figure in T-shirt and jeans, snacking on a bag of potato chips)

Basic Antivirus Software: `Sup.

Customer: Ummm, do you provide antivirus protection, at all?

Basic Antivirus Software: (Shrugs) Sure.

Customer: (To Cashier) How much?

Cashier: $30 a year.

Customer: Sold!  (Completes the purchase)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Still snacking on the way out as the other two antivirus software figures glare) What can I say?  Get yourselves on sale next time. 

(At Customer’s home, the new laptop has been set up with programs installed and Wi-Fi signal connected)

Customer: (Sitting on the living room couch, with the laptop on a lapdesk) All right, accessing the interwebs… (Clicks on the browser icon; a tab appears) Yes!  Success!  I’m always amazed when this stuff actually works.  (Checks e-mail) Oh, my cousin sent me an article, how nice.  (Clicks on the link; a pop-up window appears) No, I don’t want an extra page downloading with this, thank-you.  (Clicks on the “X” – a bajillion pop-ups immediately appear, along with a phone number, flashing lights, and a loud BEEEEEEEEEP!)

Voice: (Blaring from the laptop’s speakers) WARNING!  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TURN OFF OR RESTART THE COMPUTER!  AND DO NOT UNPLUG THE ROUTER OR ELSE DISASTROUS THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO ALL YOUR FILES AND YOUR COMPUTER WILL NEVER EVER WORK AGAIN!  CALL THIS BRIGHT AND FLASHING PHONE NUMBER NOW AND WE WILL SAVE YOU FROM DESTRUCTION!  AND DON’T STOP TO THINK ABOUT THIS – JUST FOCUS ON THE LOUD NOISES AND INSISTENT MESSAGES AND TRUST US TO RESCUE YOU FROM DOOOOOOM!!!

Customer: (Flies off the couch, runs over the router, and rips out the plug) NononononoIdon’tbelievethisthisissounfairthesenderwaslegitIneverfallforthesethingshowdidthishappenenrightoutofthegate – !  (Runs back to the laptop and holds down the power button to turn it off)

Voice: I SAID DON’T TURN IT OFF – !  (Sudden silence)

Customer: (Fumes for several seconds, then yells at the ceiling) BASIC!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slouches into the living room while slurping a soda) Yo?

Customer: (Points to the laptop) How did this happen?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Stares blankly at the laptop, then back at Customer) Uh, I think it was made in a factory somewhere, and then got shipped to the store where you bought it.

Customer: No-no-no, I know how it got here!  The problem is, I’m not on the thing for five minutes and I got hacked!

Basic Antivirus Software: Aw, really?  That’s too bad.  (Slurps)

Customer: No, not “too bad”, it’s your fault!

Basic Antivirus Software: Huh?  How you figure?

Customer: You have one job to do, and you blew it!  You’re supposed to keep those – (Flails arms at the laptop) things away from me, and yet, here it is!

Basic Antivirus Software: Whelp, no net catches 100% of anything; stuff like this is bound to get through.

Customer: Seriously?!

Basic Antivirus Software: At any rate, it sounds more like a “user error” issue to me, if you know what I mean.

Customer: (Coolly) Excuse me?

Basic Antivirus Software:  Technically, it’s your job not to fall for that obvious garbage.

Customer: I don’t!  I was exiting out of that window and this whole blaring fire alarm and window brigade showed up and yelled at me to call them!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps) Huh.  Did you call them?

Customer: No!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps again) You unplug the router or shut off the computer?

Customer: Yes!  Both!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slurps to the end of the drink) Should be fine then – sounds like it was trying to lure you into its malware web, and you probably dodged it.  No harm, no foul.

Customer: So that’s it?!  You just sit back and do nothing while I’m the one who has to dodge lures left and right?!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Sighs loudly) You want me to run a scan to make sure?

Customer: YES!

Basic Antivirus Software: (Slumps over to stand by the couch) OK, start it back up and I’ll scan it.  (Customer sits back down on the couch and starts the laptop; Basic Antivirus Software runs the scan for a few minutes) See?  No viruses found – can I go now?  (Unwraps a candy bar and starts munching)

Customer: That was a suspiciously short scan!  And you’re supposed to be watching out for this stuff 24/7!

Basic Antivirus Software: No I’m not – only when you’re online.  That’s all I signed up for, anyway.

Customer: Fine, just – don’t go anywhere.  (Begins working furiously on the laptop)

Basic Antivirus Software: (Settles on the arm of the couch behind Customer, munching on the candy bar and watching the screen) You know, if you’d wanted comprehensive protection and safe browsing tips and virtual hand-holding and all that, maybe you shouldn’t have gone for a cheap option like me who is clearly only going to do the bare minimum.  (Munches loudly)

Customer: (Glaring at the screen while dodging another malware trap) Clearly.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!