Story 527: I Got a Bit Carried Away When Writing Season 4

             (In a conference room, seated around a long table are a television series’ showrunner, producers, and lead actors; various assistants are seated throughout the room behind them, ready to provide technical and moral support)

Showrunner: (Beaming widely at the attendees) Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of mildly enthusiastic “Yeah”s, “It was OK”s, and one noncommittal grunt) So!  By now you’ve all heard the amazing feedback on the success that Season 3 was this year; the audience couldn’t get enough of us and kept demanding more – (To one of the producers) genius idea to go the traditional route and release only one episode a week, by the way –

Producer: (Smugly) That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Showrunner: Finally paid off.  (Producer double-takes) We’re the critics’ darlings, reviews and ratings are through the roof, and all the awards are pouring in, including – (Gestures to Lead 1) our very own Best Actor in a Popular Series nominee, yaaaaaay!  (Starts clapping for Lead 1; everyone else slowly joins in)

Lead 1: (Mildly embarrassed) Thanks, everybody; that really belongs to all of us, truly.

Lead 2: (Seated next to Lead 1 and staring straight ahead) Then where’s my nomination?

Lead 1: You know very well I have no control over that stuff.

Lead 2: Of course – it’s not like there’s any campaigning involved in these things.

Lead 1: You were plenty welcome to submit your name as a nominee.

Lead 2: That’s not how I roll.  (Turns to Lead 1) Last I checked, this was an ensemble show.  We all support each other.

Lead 1: Oh yeah?  Tell that to the upstagers over there; I think they missed the memo.  (Nods across the table at Lead 3 and Lead 4, whose mouths drop open in shock)

Lead 3: Ex – cuse me?!

Lead 4: Yeah, why’re you suddenly dragging us into this?

Lead 1: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because every time we do scenes together, one or both of you are mugging for the camera in every shot!

Lead 3: It’s called “staying in character”, as you should know at this point in your career!  And not being boring about it, by the way.

Lead 4: Maybe, if you had a little more fun with the role, you’d’ve also been nominated for “Most Dynamic Performer in a Series” like we were.

Lead 3: And won!  Twice!  (Lead 3 and Lead 4 high-five each other)

Lead 1: (Seething) That’s a baloney award from a baloney organization and you know it.

Lead 4: Award’s an award.

Lead 2: (Back to staring into the middle distance) You’re telling me….

Showrunner: Children, my children!  We’ve gone completely off-track and are now barreling through the forest of inanity.  Let us return to why we are all gathered here today: our table read for the much-anticipated Season 4 of our show, yaaaaay!  (Claps again but only a few assistants and producers join in this time) Now, you all were given each episode’s script on your way in, so no peeking ahead to the finale!

Lead 5: (Raises hand as the other leads take the top script from the pile) Question: how come these weren’t sent to us over hiatus like usual?  I like to prep before these things.

Showrunner: Well, this season I wanted to do something a little different: I wanted you all to experience the wonder, the thrills, the chills, and the emotional destruction of each episode together, communally, just as almost the entire audience will when they watch these on the release dates.  (The leads stare blankly at Showrunner) It’ll be fun!

Lead 4: Sure, why not; I’m always up for something new.

Lead 1: (Narrows eyes at Lead 4) You would be.  (Lead 4 gives a baffled “What?!” look)

Lead 2: (To Lead 1) Not exactly the insult I’m sure you were going for.

Lead 1: (Flipping through the script) Realized that after the fact.

Showrunner: OK!  So, like usual, I’ll be reading the stage directions and such; and you all of course know where to come in.  Please save any minor questions for the end so we can keep this going; but if there’s something major you notice, feel free to speak up immediately!  These are pretty much the final drafts since the multiple plots building up over the past few years are so heavily intertwined that any revisions at this point will cause the whole series to collapse in on itself, but, you know, as the showrunner and sole writer on this show, I’m technically open to suggestions. 

Lead 6: Why are you bothering with a table read then if you have no intention of making any revisions?

Showrunner: I wanna hear out loud how awesome it is.  So!  Without further ado, let us begin with

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1

Showrunner: “Scene 56.  Exterior.  Fortress.  Nighttime.  Snow is falling gently as a stumbling figure shambles toward the woods, then falls onto the ground in utter defeat.  Staring up at the star-filled sky, we see that the fallen figure is none other than -------, who smiles sadly as both Fate, and the camera, close in.”

Lead 6: (Looking concerned) “Whelp, it seems my journey ends here.  What a wild ride.”  (To Showrunner) Hold on a second – did my character just die?!

Showrunner: (Grinning) Sure did!  I was very emotional writing it; the tears flowed freely the entire time.  I think you’ll enjoy filming it, too.

Lead 6: So I get killed off in Episode 1?!

Showrunner: Yep!  Definitely motivation for all the other characters to, you know, keep fighting the good fight. 

Lead 6: So I’m done here for good?!

Showrunner: Yes indeedy!  It’s been fun, byeeeee!  (Waves at Lead 6)

Lead 6: But you told me back in January that I’d be in Season 4!

Showrunner: And you are.  In Episode 1.  Byeeeee!  (Waves again)

Lead 6: (Tosses the script onto the pile and mumbles) Wish I’d known that before I relocated last year.  (Everyone else makes sympathetic noises)

Lead 5: Yeah, are there budget cuts or something we should be worried about?

Showrunner: Not at all!  (To Lead 6) It basically came down to the fact that you weren’t, how shall I put this, a “fan favorite.”

Lead 6: (Glares at Showrunner) You forgot my character was in the show again, didn’t you.

Showrunner: (Becomes focused on the script) Yes I did – shall we continue?

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3

Showrunner: “Scene 2.  Interior.  ------’s room.   ------ is seated at a table, piling wooden blocks in a symbolic gesture reflecting two of this season’s main themes when there is a smart rapping at the door.  ------ accidentally knocks over the blocks, again symbolically, walks over to the door to open it, and sees -------- on the other side.”  (Showrunner sets down the script, unobtrusively takes out a small box of popcorn, and begins snacking on it while watching Lead 3 and Lead 4 with intense glee)

Lead 4: “Oh, hi!”

Lead 3: “Hey there!  You busy?”

Lead 4: “Not at all – come on in!”

Showrunner: “-------- enters and jokingly slams the door shut; the two then flop casually onto two armchairs facing each other.” [CRUNCH-CRUNCH]

Lead 3: “So, that last assignment sure was a lot of fun!”

Lead 4: “I’ll say!  And I love that it gave us so many opportunities to bust our self-appointed leader’s chops.”  (Looks significantly at Lead 1, who fumes quietly)

Lead 3: “Well, busting chops is my specialty!  Plus we got to, you know, save the universe again and everything.  Pretty cool of us, I think.”

Lead 4: “Yeah; who knew saving the universe at least once a week would be both spiritually fulfilling and hilarious?”

Lead 3: “Right on!”  (Everyone with a script simultaneously turns to the next page) “You know, while we’re on the subject, I think it’s about time we moved on from goofing off non-stop and you – ” (As Lead 3 and Lead 4 lean forward to their respective scripts with extremely furrowed brows) “finally let me worship that hot, hot body of yours”?!  (Looks up confusedly at Showrunner, who nods vigorously with manic glee)

Lead 4: (Still staring at the script) “Oh baby, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to say the exact same thing – take me now”?!  (Also looks up confusedly at Showrunner) Are these the right lines?!

Showrunner: Of course they are – got your characters’ names attached to them, don’t they?

Lead 3: Yeah, but this isn’t us.  (Gestures to self and Lead 4) We’re the comic relief!

Lead 4: There has to be a mistake; these are the type of lines you usually write for those two!  (Point to Lead 1 and Lead 2)

Lead 1: (Smiling evilly at Lead 3 and Lead 4) I find this extremely hysterical.

Lead 2: Guess you two better start hitting the gym, huh.

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) Ooh, maybe with the heat on them now this’ll mean we get a break this season – doing love scenes are ten times more exhausting then pretending I can do hand-to-hand combat, any day.

Lead 2: No argument from me.

Lead 3: Hey, at least you two knew what you were getting into when you got cast as the attractive leads of a show with such unsubtle romantic undertones – I, however, did not sign up for naughty business when I auditioned for what I thought was just going to be a quirky clown character with several intriguing mini-arcs!

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) And I was supposed to be a one-off and then killed-off, but you called me back because you said the fans loved me so much!

Lead 6: Hm.  Must be nice.

Lead 4: (Winces) Sorry.  (Back to Showrunner) So when did “punching up the script” turn into “borderline softcore porn”?!

Showrunner: Relax: you know the love scenes I write are always extremely tasteful.  (Returns to the script) “-------- grabs ------, throws the latter onto the king size bed, and grabs a bottle of hot oil handily waiting on a lamp table as they passionately tear each other’s clothes off – ”

Lead 3: OH, BLAZES, NO!

Lead 4: My wife’s gonna kill me!

Showrunner: Don’t worry: there’ll be an intimacy coordinator there the whole time so everything’s on the up-and-up.

Lead 3: Not the point!  Neither of us agreed to these types of scenes in our contracts!

Showrunner: Well, you didn’t not agree to them, either.  (Both glare at Showrunner, who sighs) Fine, fine: I’ll cut the scene short and you won’t have to do any of that stuff.  Will that stave off the lawsuits your eyes are threatening?

Lead 3: Maybe.  It also makes zero sense for these characters, but I’ll be satisfied with no on-screen shenanigans.

Lead 4: And no kissing.  (To Lead 4) No offense; it’d just be too awkward.

Lead 3: None taken – I agree, and I don’t want your wife killing me, either.

Showrunner: Aw come on, watching people make out on-screen is so cathartic!

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: (Sighs again and starts crossing out lines in the script) You win; it’ll just be heavily implied.  A lot of fans are going to be very disappointed, though.

Lead 3: Well, tell them that’s what fan fiction’s for!

Showrunner: Where do you think this idea came from?

Lead 4: Seriously?  Our characters got paired up in fan fiction?  (To Lead 3) I never played it that way; I thought we were just buddies, almost like siblings.

Lead 3: (Laughs ruefully) Pal, that’s where some of the most intense sagas there get started – not that I’ve actually read any of them…. (Sips water while looking everywhere else but at Lead 4)

Lead 1: As riveting as all these negotiations are, can we back to the actual reading before it’s time to start filming the season, please?

Lead 4: Why, are we upstaging you again?!

Lead 1: Yes!

Lead 4: Fair enough.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10: SEASON FINALE

(Three quarters of the attendees have dozed off)

Showrunner: “Scene 257.  Interior.  A cozy living room.  A figure sits contemplatively in a chair facing a fireplace.”  (Looks up from the script and throws a piece of popcorn at Lead 7, who has been sleeping while leaning on folded arms on the table for almost the entire session) Oi!  That’s your cue!

Lead 7: (Startles awake and sits up) Huh?  What?  You killed off my character last season; I don’t even know what I’m doing here.

Showrunner: This is a flashback!

Lead 7: Oh.  Do you really need me, then?  Just use stock footage; not to sound disrespectful to everyone here, but I’m in the middle of a film shoot and don’t even care about this show anymore.

Showrunner: It’s a new flashback so we have to film it!  Read the line and collect your paycheck!

Lead 7: (Rubs tired eyes) Sure; something to do.  (Starts shifting through the pile of scripts to reach the bottom one; Lead 5 hands over a script open to the correct page) Thanks.

Lead 5: Don’t mention it – I got killed off two episodes ago and I’m just following along out of courtesy.

Lead 7: (Clears throat and reads flatly) “And so, as the black hole slowly devours our solar system, leaving Earth as the last sacrifice to its eternal greed, we come to that ultimate question that has defied the logic of ages: What truly is the meaning of life?”  (To Showrunner) If this is a flashback, when would my character ever have said this?  And to whom?  And where is this even supposed to be?!

Showrunner: And that is the question!

Lead 7: What?!

Showrunner: And now you’re done – you can go back to sleep.

Lead 7: (Hands the script back to Lead 5) Sounds like a plan.  (Lowers head and arms onto the table again and immediately falls back asleep)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Showrunner: “Scene 3,072.  Interior/Exterior.  ---- and ------ are on opposite sides of an open doorway in yet another symbolic expression of this season’s themes as a reality-ending storm rends the fabric of spacetime around them.”  (To Lead 1 and Lead 2) This means you have to scream at each other to be heard, by the way.

Lead 1: (Braces self) “This is it!”  (Most of the attendees suddenly wake up) “The end of all things!”

Lead 2: (Braces self) “That’s what you said at the last seven reality-ending storms!”

Lead 1: “And I meant it, every time!”

Lead 2: “Guess this is good-bye forever, then!”

Lead 1: “I just have to tell you one last thing before we part for eternity!”

Lead 2: “I know!  You don’t have to say a word!  I will always love you too, my love!”

Lead 1: “Well… I actually wanted to say that I finally realized that I like you more than love you, if you know what I mean!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I’ve grown to respect and admire you as a person, so that transcends the whole romantic, physical part of our relationship and makes it feel a bit mutually exploitative, to be honest!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I do still love you, though!  Just in the Platonic ideal sense, which shows that I have truly evolved as a human being!”

Lead 2: “We’ve been intimate for almost five years and you’re just figuring this out now?!”

Lead 1: “Because now is the end of all things!”  (To Showrunner) I’m sorry, I gotta stop you right there –

Showrunner: (Working on a bag of candy) Nope!  It’s almost over, so we’re finishing this uninterrupted!

Lead 1: (Grinds teeth while looking back at the script) “My only regret is that we failed to save the universe this time, and soon all space and time will be flushed down the galactic toilet that is a supermassive black hole!”

Lead 2: “I know!  And more importantly, all our friends’ll be gone, too!  We’re losing everyone we care about!”

Showrunner: “At that exact moment, -------- and ------ ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 1: Unbelievable – upstaged again!

Showrunner: Wait your turn!  “Ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 3: “Speak for yourselves, losers!  We created our own supermassive wormhole that’ll take us to an alternate Earth where we’ll be safe and never have to deal with these cosmological hijinks ever again!”

Lead 4: “Sorry – not sorry – there’s no room for the two of you to come with us!  So… it’s been real!”

Lead 3: “You and me against the multiverse, babe!”

Lead 4: “I am so turned on right now!”

Showrunner: “They sloppily make out with undying passion – ”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: Right.  (Crosses out more lines and writes new ones)  “It’s heavily implied that they will sloppily make out with undying passion after they arrive on the alternate Earth, and they rev off at faster-than-light speed to their new destiny.”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: “Whoooo.”

Showrunner: A little more enthusiasm would be nice.

Lead 3: (Turns a page ahead) Wait, that’s our last line?!

Showrunner: This season, yeah.

Lead 4: (Mutters to Lead 3) This series, I’ll bet.

Showrunner: What?

Lead 4: What?

Lead 1: (Holding head in pain) Can we please wrap this up?!

Lead 2: I second that: we were supposed to end hours ago, and the daycare meter’s been running well into overtime.

Showrunner: Do not rush art!  And your own interruptions are not helping the cause, either.  (Returns to the script) “---- and ------ stare at each other with profound meaning as reality collapses around them.”

Lead 2: “The end!”

Lead 1: “Or is it?!”

(Everyone still reading the script turns the page)

Showrunner: “Cut to title card: TO BE CONTINUED.”  (Sets down the script and looks around the room triumphantly) The End!  For this season.  So, what do you all think?

(Mostly silence, and soft snores from those who had fallen back into a doze)

Lead 1: It… may need to be workshopped a bit.

Lead 2: A lot.

Showrunner: Children, we start filming in a few weeks; I told you there’s no room in my tightly plotted scripts for major revisions!

Lead 3: Then I’ve only got one thing left to say: brace yourself for the backlash.

Showrunner: Oh.  Right.  That.

ONE YEAR LATER

(In the same conference room with almost all the same people as last time; nearly everyone looks dour)

Showrunner: Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of “Hmmmmm”s) So!  The reviews are in and by now you’ve all heard the, how shall I put this, not-so-great –

Lead 4: Abysmal.

Showrunner: – could-have-been-better response, which of course is no reflection on the hard work of every single person in this room.  You should all be proud of yourselves, yaaaay!  (Claps alone)

Lead 6: Can I just say that this was the easiest paycheck I ever earned?  I had the best time, and the fans even wanted me back!

Lead 5: I envy you so much, you have no idea.

Lead 1: (To Showrunner) Regarding the elephant in the room: I noticed this time we neither got scripts during hiatus or on our way in here.

Lead 3: (Holds a hand up to one side as if whispering a secret that everyone can hear) Spoiler alert: there aren’t any.

Showrunner: There are too!  I wrote a beautiful and moving Season 5 that will make the world weep!  (They all stare at Showrunner) But, I got word from the studio this morning that the show’s been cancelled so, yeah.  No Season 5, unfortunately, children.

Lead 2: Yeah, we pretty much all figured that was the only logical outcome for this situation.

Lead 4: Good thing I recently was cast as the lead in an exciting new adventure series that critics already are comparing to this show, “when it was good,” so I guess you would’ve had to kill off my character this season anyway.

Lead 3: (To Lead 4) Aw, you got the role?  Congratulations!

Lead 4: Thanks!  They’re still looking to cast a few more regulars if you’re interested, and can take time during the other five shows you’re on now.

Lead 3: Send me the info – I grab all the shows I can get!

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) They never stop, do they?  It’s like a compulsion.

Lead 2: I physically cannot care any less than I do at this very moment.

Showrunner: Some good news, though: we got nominated again for lots of awards, including – you guessed it – Best Actor, yay!

Lead 1: I’m frankly amazed myself.

Lead 2: So am I.  (Lead 1 glares at the other) What?  Admit it: this year we both checked out before principal photography even began.

Lead 1: (Looks away shiftily) I thought that was an unspoken understanding for all of us….

Lead 3: Um, not those of us who actually take our craft seriously!  Unworthy.

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) So: any reason this is a meeting and not an e-mail?

Showrunner: Glad you asked!  We may not be able to film Season 5 per se, but there’s no reason why the storylines and most of the dialogue can’t be salvaged and plugged into an amazing new series that I want everyone here to be a part of – (Everyone else in the room stands up and leaves) Rude.  Eh, who needs them?  I can always post it in fan fiction.

Story 489: Time-Limited Binge Watch

DAY 1

 (Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?

Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?

Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks.  Whatcha up to now?

Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.

Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once.  You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though.  You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?

Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.

Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills.  Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.

Friend 1: Noted.  (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>

Friend 2: What – what happened?!  Are you having a heart attack?!  Should I call 911?!  Answer me!!

Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.

Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?

Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!

Friend 2: Oh.  Seriously, that’s it?  It sounded like your brain was melting down.

Friend 1: It was!  What am I gonna do?!  There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!

Friend 2: Hm.  Yeah, that’s a bummer.

Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era!  They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!

Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.

Friend 1: Unacceptable!  I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show!  And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!

Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.

Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!

Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?

Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!

Friend 2: I do.

Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!

Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?

Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.

Friend 2: Figured you would.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.

 DAY 2

Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?

Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!

Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.

Manager: What?!  That was… almost two years ago!

Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.

Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!

Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either!  Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!

Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!

Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!

Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!

Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?

Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!

Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!

Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it!  (Slams the phone receiver)

Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….

 DAY 3

Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?!  How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?!  No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?!  And now I’ve gotta wait –  (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?!  Madness!  (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts)  HELLO?!

Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.

Friend 1: YES!  I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers!  I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!

Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?

Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!

Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.

Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.

Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?

Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine.  (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials.  At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.

Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?

Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?

Friend 2: Never mind.  Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.

Friend 1: …Watch me!  (Ends the call)

Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.

Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.

 DAY 4

Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth!  (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him.  (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!!  (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!

Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?

Friend 1: How can you tell?!

Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.

Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!

Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.

Friend 1: I’m not stopping now!  It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!

Friend 2: Close?!  You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!

Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !

Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line.  (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)

 DAY 5

Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it.  It’s done.  It’s done, at long last.  (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now.  (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?

Friend 1: Yes.  I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.

Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it.  I hope you enjoyed it after all that.

Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.

Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.

Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.

Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –

Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.

Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –

Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.

Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?

Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again.  (Shudders)

Friend 2: Anything else you notice?

Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….

Friend 2: No note, right?

Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?

Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.

Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)

Friend 2: Hello?  You OK?

Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.

Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –

Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!

Story 474: Unexpected Series Cancellation

(On a soundstage representing an open field filled with fake flora, fake fauna, fake water, and a monorail, a television show’s cast and crew members move about purposefully in preparing for the scene they are about to film)

Cast Member 1: (To Makeup Artist applying touch-ups) I agree it adds to the mood and tension of a set piece, but when there’s that little ambient lighting for a night scene, then no one watching will be able to figure out what on Earth is going on, and all that mood and tension’ll mean absolutely nothing!

Makeup Artist: (Gives several final pats on the face with an applicator) Mm-hm – please stop talking.

Cast Member 1: Got it.

Cast Member 2: (Walks over to Cast Member 1 as Makeup Artist finishes and leaves) Hey – you ready for our scene later today or you want to go over it one more time?

Cast Member 1: Eh, I think we’ve prepped enough.  It’s gonna be a lot of yelling so I don’t want to wear out my vocal cords beforehand, know what I mean?

Cast Member 2: I guess.  Still think it might be more effective if you don’t yell.

Cast Member 1: And still agree to disagree.  Don’t yell all you want; I’m ramping it up all the notches.

Cast Member 2: You do you.  Kind of looking forward to it, actually: we’ve been building up to this all season, and I think the writers did a good job with our ultimate showdown.  Should be fun to finally act it out for reals.

Cast Member 1: And to watch.  I think the fans’ll be extremely satisfied the way this plays out – can’t wait to hear the buzz the day after it airs, that’s always a thrill.

Cast Member 2: When’ll that be do you think, six months from now?

Cast Member 1: Your guess is as good as mine with the way the network schedule’s been lately.  (Sighs while surveying the fake sunnily-lit scene) I still have to pinch myself every day that we get to do this for a living.

Cast Member 2: (Surveys the fake landscape as well) Definitely.  And the fans’ve been so supportive, and there’s been so much momentum with the show, for the first time in my career I can almost take a deep breath with the promise of job security.

Cast Member 1: Sweet.  (Showrunner enters the soundstage, surrounded by staff) Whelp, here comes the maestro to give us our monthly pep talk.

Cast Member 2: Hope it’s shorter than the last one; I almost forgot my lines for the day by the time it was over.

Showrunner: All right everybody, huddle up!  Got some news.

(Cast and crew members gather in a large circle)

Cast Member 3: (Mutters to Cast Member 4) Let me guess: we’re all fired.

Cast Member 4: (Laughs) Paranoia.

Cast Member 5: (To Showrunner) Are we getting out early today for the holiday?

Showrunner: Oh, today’s a holiday?

Cast Member 5: Yes, but clearly never mind about that.

Showrunner: Good, `cause it’s about to be ruined.  Just got the word from the studio that after the season finale airs on whenever date, that’s… well… no easy way to say this… I was told that that’s it.  As in, it.

(Stunned silence)

Cast Member 1: “It” being… the season finale?  We know that.

Cast Member 2: I think our leader’s trying to tell us that it’s going to be the series finale.

Cast Member 3: (To Cast Member 4) Called it.

Cast Member 4: (Eyes still wide with shock) That you did.

Cast Member 1: (Shakes head in disbelief) Wait a minute, are you saying that the show got cancelled?  Permanently?!

Showrunner: Yes.

Cast Member 1: …After one season?!

Showrunner: Shocking, I know.  But not unprecedented.

Cast Member 1: “Shocking”?!  It is MIND-BOGGLING.  We were voted the #1 Crime Procedural/Sci-Fi/Sit-Com/Western/Family Drama just last week!

Cast Member 2: And you know the fans really love the show, and even the critics are giving it good reviews – what happened?!

Showrunner: Well –

Cast Member 3: I’ll tell you what happened.  (Everyone turns to Cast Member 3, who starts counting off fingers) We got pre-empted too many times by live sports; the times we are on the air, the episodes get shuffled around so much that some storylines make no sense whatsoever; the studio didn’t know how to market a multi-genre series; and you – (Points to Showrunner) overplayed the long game.

Showrunner: Me?!  What’re you talking about: I fought tooth-and-nail every day to get this show the love it deserved!

Cast Member 3: You also wrote in too many storylines with too many characters and too many open-ended arcs that promise to pay off in five years but deep down we all know they never will!  We may have a core group of dedicated fans, but everyone else lost interest!

Showrunner: Nah-uh!  I perfected the magic formula to get people obsessed!

Cast Member 4: You’re certainly right about that: I’ve gotten the weirdest fan mail asking me if I secretly know where my true father is and why I’m hiding that from my friends on the show.  Do I?  Am I?

Showrunner: Yes and yes, but that was gonna be the big reveal in Season 3.

Cast Member 3: You see!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about – you planned so far ahead that you gave the audience nothing now.  You’re a big tease!

Showrunner: Am not!

Cast Member 3: Oh yeah?  (Gestures to Cast Member 1 and Cast Member 2) What about these two?

Showrunner: What about them?

Cast Member 2: Yes, why am I being dragged into this?

Cast Member 3: As far back as Episode – Freakin’ – 1 – scratch that, as far back as the Pilot – you started right out of the gate with the “will-they-won’t-they” shenanigans, and the only outcomes from doing that super-early are that they break up by the end of Season 2 because everyone’s tired of them, or it’s dragged out so long that they wind up never hooking up at all and one or both of them go off with someone else, and the fans hate it either way!

Cast Member 1: I would like to point out that while that angle may have been introduced a tad early in the series, I think the relationship is being developed tastefully and with mutual respect –

Cast Member 5: (Scrolling through a phone) It says here there were over 5,000 fanfiction stories shipping you two immediately after the Pilot aired.

Cast Member 1: Hm.  (To Cast Member 2) Guess I should’ve toned down the smoldering stares a bit.

Cast Member 2: I’ll say – after every episode airs I keep getting messages: “Why haven’t you two gotten together yet?”  “What are you waiting for?”  “Now kiss!”  “Stop denying you’re made for each other!”

Cast Member 1: Wow.  People sure are impatient.

Cast Member 2: I would be too if a couple with our regrettably intense chemistry got dangled in front of me at the outset, and then the brakes were applied almost immediately.  You gotta give the fans something to daydream about during their tedious work hours.

Cast Member 1: It’s called a SLOW BURN – if you rush it, you ruin it!

Cast Member 4: I thought the issue was it’s moving too fast?

Cast Member 5: I thought our show was about crime and sci-fi and family drama and all those other things; I didn’t think it was a romance.

Cast Member 2: Lotta people latched onto the one romance part.

Cast Member 1: Which is fine, in small doses!  We actually should’ve put the brakes on it even harder and not even held eye contact for longer than three seconds until at least the Season 2 premier!

Showrunner: Which is all a moot point since there now is no Season 2.

Cast Member 4: Aw, and you’d promised I was going to have my very own me-centric episode that had to get pushed back to next season since the studio cut down the number of episodes they’re airing `cause of all the live sports stuff.

Showrunner: Yeah, glad I never did get around to writing that ep.

Cast Member 4: What?!

Showrunner: Which reminds me: five of the episodes we actually did film are going to get cut, too.

Cast Members 1-5: WHAT?!

Showrunner: The only time slots they could give me for the rest of the season this year were after 2 a.m.  Maybe.  If the post-game recap ended early.

Cast Member 1: And whose bright idea was it to air our show after a game every single week?!

Showrunner: There’s some game on every single night, and we’re the newbie on the block so we get the expendable time slots.  Maybe by Season 5 we would’ve been eligible for prime time Sunday night.

Cast Members 1-5: (Stare into space in reverie) Prime time Sunday night….

Cast Member 2: Hold on – is one of the episodes that got cut the one where I did the stunt it took me three months to train for?

Showrunner: (Twitchily) Yes.

Cast Member 2: (Stares coldly at Showrunner) There are no words.

Cast Member 5: And another thing –

Showrunner: Arrrrggghhh, what?!

Cast Member 5: We’re still filming.  If our season finale is now our series finale, no storylines are wrapped up and the script left it on a cliffhanger.  Are you going to rewrite any of it?

Cast Member 1: (To self as eyes widen in horror) Oh no, more lines I’ve gotta memorize….

Showrunner: There’s no time to rewrite; we’re getting shut down as soon as we wrap.  (Waves arms around at the set) This whole soundstage’s getting taken over by a game show next week.

Cast Member 4: You mean they’re not even going to keep all this pretty fake nature around?  Don’t let the crew who built it find that out.

Crew Member 1: Too late, but we’re used to it.

Cast Member 1: Back up a moment – next week?  You scheduled us for another month to finish the two-parter!

Showrunner: Two-parter’s now a one-parter.

Cast Members 1-5: Ohhhhh....

Showrunner: Yeah: I’ve got no time to rewrite, yet I’m expected to chop, chop, chop it all up anyway!

Cast Member 2: So I’m guessing the emotional reunion with our long-lost comrade is one of the scenes on the chopping block.

Showrunner: Yep – I told that actor a little while ago not to bother coming back in; wasn’t happy that their final scene on the show is now being knocked unconscious like a wimp.

Cast Member 3: Don’t tell me the huge scene showing that my character’s had amnesia this whole time without knowing it is now, what, gone too?!

Showrunner: Yeah, that plotline seems rather pointless now.

Cast Member 4: Will we still get to film the big chase scene with all the cars and the trucks and the spaceships and the horses and… (Trails off as the other stare back) Answered my own question.

Cast Member 1: (To Showrunner) Bottom line: what’s the actual last scene to the series now?  Are we at least keeping the whole epic conclusion where we sail off into the supernova while singing “Happy Birthday”?

Showrunner: Our special effects budget was reallocated to the game show, so everything going forward has to be practical effects or reused footage.

Cast Member 1: We’ve been reduced to black box theater; I get it.

Cast Member 2: Speaking of theater, I think now’s the perfect time for me to return to Broadway – it seems that’s where I really belong after all.

Cast Member 1: Oh come on, everyone leaves Broadway to do TV and movies!  You only go back when you’re an actual star so the audience claps for your entrances and no one else’s!

Cast Member 2: Well at least I have something to fall back on – this was supposed to be your big break, and now the proverbial rug’s been proverbially pulled out from under your proverbial unprepared feet.

Cast Member 1: Don’t I know it!  (To Showrunner) Do you realize how many gigs I turned down because this show was supposed to be The One?!

Showrunner: You’re telling me!  This – (Waves arms around at the set again) was my show!  All of it, every last piece of fakery, was my baby!

Cast Member 1: Oh please: you’ve got five other shows and two movies going on as we speak!

Showrunner: Well….

Cast Member 1: (Gasps in horror) You probably wanted this one to fail, so you could concentrate on the others that’ll make more money, and meanwhile this show will be forever enshrined in “Cult Classic” status and everyone will feel sorry for you for how it all went down – DIABOLICAL!

Crew Member 2: Excuse me – (The others turn to listen) if we’re not actually going to work today, can we call it quits and start prepping for the game show?

Showrunner: No-no, everyone’s still working on this show until the bitter end; we owe it to the fans if nothing else!  And all your contracts say so.

Others: Aw, yeah, right, union, guild….

Showrunner: So!  Much shorter scripts will be sent to you this afternoon; get your belongings out of your cubby holes before next Friday; let’s finish this beautiful thing we created together on the highest note that will resound throughout the halls of classic TV-dom forever; don’t let the fans down!  (Exits the soundstage, surrounded by staff)

Cast Member 1: (To Cast Members 2-5) I don’t know about you, but whatever character motivation I had is all gone now.

Cast Member 2: Same.  I think the wind’s been taken out of our sails for that scene we’re maybe doing later: it’ll be hard to get all emotional about characters whose arcs got cut extremely short.

Cast Member 5: Well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

Cast Member 3: Yeah, I did have a blast even knowing the whole time we’d never make it past Season 1.  I’m honestly surprised we made it past Episode 1.

Cast Member 4: You think the fans’ll still like the show in 20-something years as much as they do now?

Cast Member 1: I think so.  The only good thing to come out of all this is that it got cancelled before it got bad.