Story 362: Haunted Attraction Bait-and-Switch, Part 1

 (On a deserted road through the woods during twilight, Friend 2 drives with the high beams on and white knuckles on the steering wheel)

Friend 1: (Snacking on potato chips in the passenger seat) – and the worse it gets at work, the more I wish I could leapfrog ahead to retirement; but then I think, “What if this is the time in my life where I’m at my peak?”

Friend 2: (Scanning the road for sudden deer) Huh?

Friend 1: I mean, what if this point in my life is the best it’s ever gonna be?  As in, I’ll never be in better health, my family and friends are all in handy reach, my financial debt is… manageable, I don’t have weirdos stalking me, most of my free time’s spent doing stuff I actually wanna do, that sort of thing!  Flash forward 30 – or let’s be realistic, 40 – years, I can finally stop dragging myself five days a week to a place I don’t want to be and deal with people I don’t want to talk to, BUT – I’ve been paralyzed by a stroke, or nearly all my family and friends are gone or hate me, or I have to live with the worst roommate ever just to have a roof over my head, or I’m, you know, bored!

Friend 2: (Glancing at the car’s navigation system) Oh thank goodness the entrance is coming up.  (Signals to turn onto a creepy overgrown drive)

Friend 1: (Looks out the window at the menacing trees evilly silhouetted by the red setting sun) No one ever wants to hear the truth.

(They park near several other cars in a gravel lot in front of a huge, run-down castle situated next to a fast-food restaurant; each take an overnight bag out of the car’s trunk and walk up a large set of stairs to the castle’s front door; Friend 1 slams the demon’s-head knocker mightily, three times)

Friend 2: I didn’t realize there were castles like this in the U.S. – it looks more like we’re in Romania or something.

Friend 1: (Rubbing at a spot of flaking paint on the door) Never underestimate the whims of rich people.

Friend 2: (Bobbing in place while waiting) So, think we’ll see any actual ghosts this weekend?

Friend 1: We’d better.  Although they hedged their bets by saying the history of the place and the setting and the mold and the mildew and whatever will be more of the experience, but I fully expect to be tormented by lost souls and screaming ghouls or by gum, someone’s going to hear about it.

Friend 2: (Sighs) I don’t doubt it.

(Caretaker opens the door with a wide smile)

Caretaker: Hello!  Welcome to The Haunted Castle [Trademarked] – come on in!  (Leads Friends 1 and 2 into the entranceway and lets the giant door boom shut behind them) You’re the last of our guests to arrive, so I’ll bring your bags to your room while you join the others in the great hall.

Friend 2: (As both clutch their bags to their chests) That’s OK, we can hold onto them.

Caretaker: Suit yourselves.

(They enter the great hall and head over to a roaring fireplace where three other guests are seated)

Friends 1 and 2; Guests 1-3: Hi.

Caretaker: (Gestures to two empty chairs while sitting in large armchair) Pop a squat.  (Still clutching their bags, Friends 1 and 2 sit) Now, this is just a brief get-together so you all know who’ll be staying with you in this massive fortress – otherwise you can spend the entire weekend wandering about the place without seeing each other once.

Friend 1: (Quietly turns to the side) Yessssss!

Guest 1: You mean “without seeing another soul,” don’t you, wink-wink?

(Friends and Guests 2 and 3 politely chuckle)

Caretaker: I don’t follow.

Guest 1: …Never mind.

Caretaker: (Distributes keys and maps) Now, most of the excitement’ll be later, but for the nonce simply enjoy this labor-intensive fire here, grab a quick dinner from the sideboard over there (Points to the sideboard), and get a quick nap in before I transform into a werewolf at midnight and the hunt begins.  (Heaves out of the armchair and shuffles to other end of the great hall)

(Friends and Guests stare at each for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Leaps out of the chair, still holding the overnight bag, and runs after Caretaker; Friend 2 and Guests follow) Excuse me!

Caretaker: (Turns to Friend 1 and smiles benignly) Yes, dearie?

Friend 1: Uh, not sure how to put this, but my friend and I made a reservation for The Haunted Castle –

Caretaker: Yes?

Friend 1: To be blunt, the description of the place quite clearly mentioned ghosts.  The kind that make books fall of the shelf and loud winds moan down a hallway, stuff like that.

Caretaker: (Frowns slightly) Oh.  I see the Web site’s not been updated, again.  (Expression clears) Well, fact is, a medium came here about a year ago and helped the ghosts settle their unfinished business, so they all cleared off.

Guest 2: What?!  I specifically came here to be harassed by frustrated phantasms!

Guest 3: Yeah, if this place is now just a dingy old safety hazard then I want my money back!

Caretaker: Relax, duckies, you’ll get your money’s worth: when the ghosts left the company recruited me to do the scaring, so you’ll be taken care of, don’t you worry.  (Pats Friend 1 soothingly on the arm)

Friend 1: (Shrugs off hand) We didn’t sign up for a werewolf attack!  We signed up for passive horror!

Guest 1: Yes, this is supposed to be a relaxing screamfest!

Caretaker: As a matter of fact, you all did sign up for a werewolf attack – says so in your final agreement and liability waiver.

(Friends and Guests all take out their cell phones, access their e-mail, and scroll through the agreement and waiver)

Friend 1: Huh, whaddya know, it does say “werewolf” – several times.

Friend 2: You told me to just sign it `cause you’d read it and it was fine!

Friend 1: The headings appeared to be in order.  (To Caretaker) By the way, I’ve always wondered: what exactly does “indemnify” mean?

Guest 2: (Groans while reading) I can’t believe this!  We waive the right to sue if we suffer loss of limb or LIFE!

Guest 3: Or property!  (To Caretaker) You are not getting your literal paws on my shoes – I will rip them to shreds myself first!

Guest 1: And not for nothing, if you call a place “haunted” that means ghosts should be here!

Caretaker: Not necessarily: you can be haunted by the living just as easily as by the dead.  `Sides, they couldn’t change the name of the place, it’s trademarked.  (The others all start talking at once) Dearies, please, don’t spoil the weekend.  Let me show you to your rooms, you go get some sleep, and I’ll be sure to give you plenty of howls before I start comin’ after ye, one-by-one.  (Starts gently herding the group to the main staircase)

Guest 1: Forget that – we’re outta here!  (Grabs Guest 2’s hand and they run to the front door; they struggle to turn the handle but the door refuses to budge)

Caretaker: (Chuckling) Now, now, don’t strain yourselves: we’re on lockdown till 2 p.m. Sunday.

Friends and Guests: WHAT?!

(Guest 1 runs to a window and tries to shake it open; failing that, Guest 2 grabs a vase and prepares to throw it through the glass)

Caretaker: (Moves like lightning to Guest 2 and grabs the vase) Oi!  You break anything and we have the right to sue you!

Guest 2: Argh!  (Sits down on the floor and fumes)

Friend 2: (Quietly to Friend 1) Want to risk it?

Friend 1: Normally I’d say yes, but I have a feeling I’d wind up slicing an artery instead.

Caretaker: (Sets the vase back down on a table and beams at the group) Now!  Anyone for hot cocoa before turning in?  (The rest all look at each other, then Friend 1 raises a hand) Splendid!

(Friend 1 still is drinking the cocoa as Caretaker leads both to their room)

Caretaker: (After Friend 2 unlocks the door and they all enter) As promised: twin beds, full bath, free Wi-Fi, starting up the fireplace’ll cost you extra, and a perfect view of the full moon that’s calling to me as we speak.

Friend 1: (Sets the empty mug down on a random table and hurries Caretaker out of the room) Lovely, marvelous, well done, I’m sure we’ll see you later, bye!  (Slams the door and puts on all the locks; to Friend 2) You wouldn’t happen to have any silver bullets handy, would you?

Friend 2: (Glares) Even if I had a license to carry a gun, why on Earth would I have silver bullets to load it with?!

Friend 1: Just checking.  (Goes to the window and opens it) Huh.  Thought we were on lockdown?

Friend 2: (Looks out and down) It’s a hundred-foot sheer drop!

Friend 1: Guess the owners don’t want us to suffocate before we’re torn apart by our host.  (Leaves the window and flops face-down onto one of the beds)

Friend 2: What are you doing?!

Friend 1: As recommended: taking a nap before the games begin.

Friend 2: How can you even think of sleeping right now?!  I’m freaking out!

Friend 1: (Talking into the pillow) Oh relax: go fill a spray bottle with water and just squirt our furry friend in the face after the door’s broken down.

Friend 2: Un-believable.  (Begins stacking furniture in front of the door as Friend 1 snores)

 11:59 P.M.

            (Friend 2 shakes Friend 1 awake)

            Friend 1: Hm?  Am I late for work?

           Friend 2: (Whispering) Ssh – you wish!  Here.  (Carries a fireplace poker and holds out another one to Friend 1)

           Friend 1: (Grudgingly takes it while yawning and scootching out of the bed) Fine, but I seriously think you’re overreact – (Is cut off by several loud, long howls)

            (Friends 1 and 2 stare at each other, then at the door)

           Friend 2: (Whispering even softer as they assume a defensive stance facing the door) Next time we go away for a long weekend I’m booking the place, understand?!

            Friend 1: Oh, like you’ve never had a reservation changed on you before!

            Friend 2: They sent you an e-mail about it!

            Friend 1: And who has time to read?!

           (They clam up as the sounds of a heavy tread and soft growls approach their door)

TO BE CONTINUED

Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.