Story 558: There’s No Such Thing As Ghosts… Right?

             (At a haunted hayride/haunted barn/haunted corn maze/haunted pumpkin patch/haunted hibernating farm at night, employees guide cars to the makeshift parking lot made up of a grassy field and rope barriers)

Employee 1: (Unenthusiastically waving one last car to a space at the end of the current line) Yep, right here – right here – keep going – no, don’t turn there, turn where I’m waving – yes, your other right – there you go, you finally made it, congratulations – (In a slightly louder voice as the passengers exit the parked car) Enjoy your stay, if you dare, mwa-ha-ha.

Passenger: Uh, thanks.  (The passengers hurriedly trot away from Employee 1 and leap over or limbo under each lane’s ropes to reach the main entrance)

Employee 1: (Looks down and heaves a great sigh) Yeah, that’s it, I’d run away from me, too.

(Employee 2 ducks under a rope from the adjacent lane and waves at Employee 1)

Employee 2: Hey!

Employee 1: (Perks up and waves back) Oh, hi!

Employee 2: Boss says since it’s slow right now, we can take a cigarette break.

Employee 1: Um, sure, thanks.  (As they walk to a quieter area of the farm) But neither of us smoke?

Employee 2: Exactly.  (They both laugh wickedly.  After a few minutes’ walk, they perch on a hay bale overlooking the fields where customers stand on lines for almost an hour to get scared for 10 minutes; after getting settled, Employee 2 holds out a cigarette pack to Employee 1) Want one?

Employee 1: Ummm… what?

Employee 2: It’s candy – maintains the illusion.

Employee 1: Ah, got it; thanks.  (They each take a stick and ingest the sugar slowly)

Employee 2: So, enjoying your first season here?

Employee 1: (Shrugs) Eh.  I thought it’d be a little more exciting, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck on parking guidance the whole time and that’s a little… monotonous.  Except when I almost get accidentally run over; that part’s exciting.

Employee 2: Yeah, I worked the barn last season as “Clown With Chainsaw” and almost got punched by overzealous clients so many times I lost track; parking duty is much more peaceful.

Employee 1: I guess.  I was thinking of asking to work the haunted corn maze, though – thought that might be fun.  You ever do that one?

Employee 2: (As they both finish the candy and pocket the sticks for disposal later)  Once, two seasons ago, and that was enough for me.  I spent more time helping people find their way out than actually trying to scare them: the panicked screams when the exit’s two feet away got to be a bit much.

Employee 1: Heh-heh, yeah…. Still, I’ve always been curious whether, you know….

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: (Leans in to whisper in glee) Whether the stories were true?

Employee 2: What, you mean the ghosts?

Employee 1: Ssh!  (Looks around in panic, then smiles and nods) Yeah!

Employee 2: (Scoffs) Please: there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Employee 1: Well, yeah, of course, obviously….

Employee 2: Mm-hm.

Employee 1: But still!

Employee 2: Ugh.

Employee 1: I mean, all those sightings, and the unexplained sounds, and people sensing a presence in the field when no one else is there, for decades!  It can’t be that everyone’s making it all up!

Employee 2: People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, and sense what they want to sense.  Your own home was built on land where there’s been Revolutionary War battles, violence against indigenous peoples, and/or generations of miserable inhabitants and probably at least one murder, but have you ever seen any ghosts there?

Employee 1: Well… no….

Employee 2: There you go.  If ghosts were real, we’d be surrounded by hauntings 24/7 everywhere we went, not just the places where we know for sure something bad happened.

Employee 1: But the corn field is where those horrific murders took place and people say they’ve seen the victims wandering around looking for their lost body parts so I want to see them, too!

Employee 2: (Stares at Employee 1) You know how messed up that sounds, right?

Employee 1: Saying it out loud like that, yes.  But so many people say they’ve experienced something strange out there!

Employee 2: Like what?

Employee 1: Like… a sudden chill!  Or, hearing rustling cornstalks when there’s no breeze!  Or, weird glowing lights!

Employee 2: OK – (Counts off on fingers) it’s autumn; the cornstalks rustle when people cut through them in panic; and we all have lights, either flash or phone.

Employee 1: Fine, fine: but what about the apparitions?

Employee 2: They’re either seeing another group in there, or one of us pranking them.  Did it myself once: Boss wasn’t happy, since it was an – (Does air quotes) “Unauthorized Scare”, but I was in a mood that night and freaking people out was the only thing that cheered me up.

Employee 1: And you call me “messed up”?!

Employee 2: Hey, didn’t say I was proud of it.  (Especially loud screams are heard from the haunted barn as a group of teenagers run out the exit followed briefly by a werewolf, who then turns around and re-enters the building, shaking with laughter) You see?  People like being scared, and they want to believe there’s something beyond death and beyond this boring reality we’re stuck in.  Trust me, if I’d been horribly murdered, the last place I’d want to spend eternity in would be where my life was cut short, going nowhere and doing nothing.  I’d rather haunt a garden, where at least I could relax.

Employee 1: I guess, when you put it that way.  The whole concept of hauntings doesn’t make much sense now that I’m really thinking about it; our spirits or souls or whatever probably don’t have much choice where to go next when our bodies clock out at end of shift.

Employee 2: I know!  I’ll admit there’s unexplained phenomena out there, but if not all them are elaborate pranksters then I’ll take excess energy influencing an open mind over a dead human hovering around repeating their life’s highlight reel, any day.

Employee 1: (Looks off in thought) Yeah… yeah, that does sound like the more reasonable explanation.

Employee 2: I know it does.  (Sees movement at the edge of the hay bale and leans down to grab at it; Employee 1 looks over and sees Employee 2 holding a rat) Vampires, on the other hand… (Turns to Employee 1 and smiles with fangs showing) well, you mortals actually got those just about right.  (Chows down on the rat)

Employee 1: (Points weakly at Employee 2) Buh…. (Faints, collapsing onto the ground)

Employee 2: (Tosses away the rat and daintily wipes lips) Heh-heh-heh – I love this time of year.

Story 513: Haunted House for Sale

            (In a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2 hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)

Ghost 1: You won’t believe what just happened!

Ghost 2: (Looks up from the book) Hm?  Oh, I probably will – what is it?

Ghost 1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside!  Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!

Ghost 2: Huh.  But there hasn’t been anyone actually inside the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight unseen?  Sounds like a bad investment to me.

Ghost 1: I know!  We slipped up big-time, I tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn this into a –

Ghost 2: Don’t say it!

Ghost 1: – bed-and-breakfast!

Ghost 2: NOOOOOO!!!!  We’ll be surrounded by weekending tourists, all week long!

Ghost 1: We should never have let this happen – I told you we needed to branch out and start haunting the Internet!

Ghost 2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.

Ghost 1: Well, it’s too late now!  The relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it!  This is our house, our land, forever has been, and forever will be!

Ghost 3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.

Ghost 1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.

Ghost 3: Gotcha.  (Ducks back out)

Ghost 1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!

Ghost 2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away screaming for their lives.

Ghost 1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it) Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!

Ghost 2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during our indefinite stay here.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(The new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf howling in the distance)

Owner: (Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties, anyone home, heh-heh-heh?

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor hallway facing the entrance)

Ghost 1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.

Ghost 3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a mess.  Although, it was a lot of fun messing with them, so, yeah.

(Owner sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly exploring the rooms)

Owner: (Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!

Ghost 1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?

Ghost 2: No!  It’ll probably be too expensive to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.

Ghost 1: Good point.

(Owner turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs, unknowingly toward the ghosts)

Owner: I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!

Ghost 1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.

Ghost 2: Easy there.

Ghost 3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for… something.  (Quickly floats down the hall and through a bedroom door)

Ghost 1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.

(After an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)

Owner: (Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!

Ghost 1: Yippee.

Owner: (Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs) PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?

Ghost 1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.

(Ghost 3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)

Ghost 3: So, what’d I miss?

Ghost 2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.

Ghost 3: Ah.  What’s up there this time?

Ghost 1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or maybe something else entirely, I forget.

Ghost 2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as confusing.

Ghost 1: (Thinks on this) Drat.  Well, there’s always Plan B.

(Owner comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost 1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)

Ghost 1: Boo.

Owner: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  (Runs all the way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all the way to the main road)

Ghost 2: (To Ghost 1) Well done!  Another one out of our afterlives forever!

Ghost 1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.

Ghost 3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?

Ghost 1: Oh, I highly doubt it.  (Looks determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them, forever have been, and forever will be!

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign: “COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES!  WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”)

Ghost 3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?

Ghost 2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on?  Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?

Ghost 1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!

Story 463: A True Haunting

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The visibly dying plants?  The hibernation-prepping squirrels running all over the place?  The forgotten promise of spring, the lost joy of summer, and the threatening doom of winter?

Friend 1: Well, all that stuff now that you said them, but no, not at the moment, anyway.

Friend 2: Then what?

Friend 1: Ghosts.

Friend 2: You mean Halloween?

Friend 1: Nah, I love Halloween, but its downside is that it raises The Ghost Issue, and frankly I’m tired of it.

Friend 2: Didn’t realize there was a Ghost Issue.  What’s that involve?

Friend 1: Just that a certain percentage of The Living is obsessed with The Ghosts, but nobody really gets what they are.  For example: what do you think a ghost is?

Friend 2: Uh, well, let me think…. I’d have to say the spirit of someone left behind with unfinished business that needs resolving.

Friend 1: (Points briefly to Friend 2) Wrong!  That’s what most people think, and it’s absolute baloney.

Friend 2: OK, if you’re so wise in the ways of the supernatural, then why is that wrong?

Friend 1: Because nobody would ever stick around this mess, possibly for centuries, just to slam some doors shut suddenly or lower the thermostat several degrees or rearrange the furniture ever so slightly to the delight of tourists everywhere.

Friend 2: What about the unfinished business?

Friend 1: There are better ways to point out who knocked you into the spirit world than messing up a sock drawer or whispering a random syllable in the hopes that someone out there is a real-life Sherlock Holmes who has the time and the resources to piece together the rest of it.

Friend 2: Better ways like what?

Friend 1: Spirit possession.

Friend 2: Ew.

Friend 1: And I can’t stand those books and movies where you actually see the ghost walking around and they have full-on conversations with the main character, as if they were still alive but just had invisibility and teleportation superpowers.  Once you’re gone, you’re gone; there’s nothing left for you to do because you’ve moved on to bigger and better, and that’s that!

Friend 2: All right, then how do you explain all those sightings and paranormal experiences so many people’ve had for ages and ages?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Mass hysteria.

Friend 2: Oh, please.

Friend 1: Fine, I admit that sometimes there’s something people see, or hear, or feel – usually it’s the power of suggestion from the ghost tour guide, but my theory is that all that stuff is just… an echo.

Friend 2: What do you mean?

Friend 1: For instance: imagine if someone were, you know, murdered – (Friend 2 double-takes) there’d’ve been a lot of energy expended at the time, and some of that energy didn’t dissipate for whatever-physics reason, and that’s what people are experiencing.  A video on repeat, forever.

Friend 2: Hm.  Maybe.  But what about the non-murder ones?

Friend 1: Huh?

Friend 2: You know, the ones where people say they see ghosts doing everyday things like writing in their diary or walking the dog or napping on the couch?

Friend 1: Oh, those: either they want to see something so badly that they’ll see what they want to see; or they’re seeing someone who’s actually alive and they assume the figure was a ghost; or they took a little mind-altering something earlier and don’t want to admit it.

Friend 2: I guess.  So you basically believe there’s no such thing as what most people think of as ghosts, just echoes of energy, and you don’t like that ghost sightings and what-not increase exponentially this time of year.

Friend 1: Bingo.  Drives me up the wall.

Resident: (Sitting at the table across from them) Excuse me?

Friend 1: (Turns to Resident) What’s up?

Resident: I’ve been watching you two have the same conversation every morning since I moved into this apartment last month, and I wanted to see if it would end differently if I interrupted.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at Resident, then at each other in slowly mounting horror)

Friend 1: Start again then?

Friend 2: Please.

Friend 1: You know what bothers me about this time of year?

Friend 2: (Looks up to think) Umm, the inconsistently cold weather?  The –

Resident: (Sighs, then returns to eating a breakfast packet and watching the holographic newsfeed displayed above the table) Just my luck: I move into the one place with a self-referential Echo Issue.