Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 562: "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience” Was Not What I Thought It Would Be

 OCTOBER 26

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the hallway door)

Sibling 1: (Trotting to answer the door in excitement) Ooh, here it is, here it is – !  (Unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Sibling 2) Oh.  It’s just you.

Sibling 2: Who else would it be?

Sibling 1: I’m actually expecting a very important package that should delivered at any moment.

Sibling 2: Ah.  More – (Air quotes) “vintage collectible vehicles” that are really toy cars?

Sibling 1: (Embarrassed defiance) Yes.

Sibling 2: You know nobody hand delivers packages anymore; they just leave it on the ground and run for their lives, in some cases literally.

Sibling 1: Maybe not if they knew it was vintage.

Sibling 2: Whatever: can I come in now or what?

Sibling 1: Oh, sorry.  (Stands aside to let in Sibling 2, then closes and locks the door behind them) Got carried away with the conversation there.

Sibling 2: I hear ya.

(They go into the living room and flop onto opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 1: Oh, where are my manners?  (Very formally) Would you like something to drink?

Sibling 2: No thank you, Host; I just came over to give you this.  (Hands Sibling 1 an envelope)

Sibling 1: Money?

Sibling 2: Better.

Sibling 1: Crypto?

Sibling 2: That’s not better.

Sibling 1: A star in the heavens?

Sibling 2: Would you stop guessing and just open it?!

Sibling 1: Okey-dokey.  (Opens the envelope and reads the form inside, then gasps in excited shock) You got us tickets to stay at the Winchester Mystery House® on Halloween night?!

Sibling 2: Well, sort of.

Sibling 1: This is amazing!  I can’t believe you were even able to get these, and are paying for us to fly all the way to San Jose to do it!

Sibling 2: Um, first of all: I never would pay for your plane ticket; and secondly: this isn’t in San Jose.

Sibling 1: But that’s where the house is.  (Gasps again) Did the ghosts relocate it?!

Sibling 2: No, this is a semi-replica of the house that someone did locally.  I saw it online and it caught my eye; since I don’t know when we’d ever get a chance the see the real one and the price was decent, I figured “Why not?”  It’s probably an unlicensed knock-off, but I’ll send a donation to the actual house or some nonprofit and call it even.

Sibling 1: (Reading more from the form) “Overnight stay… self-guided tour… guaranteed ghost sightings….” (To Sibling 2) This all sounds great!

Sibling 2: You sure?  I know it’s basically a cheap imitation of the actual estate and it’s nowhere near as big, but the photos and descriptions seemed to have the highlights, and reviews weren’t too bad.  It’s also not too well-known so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves and not have to deal with unpredictable fellow customers.

Sibling 1: Hey, as long as it’s got the staircases and doors to nowhere, it’ll more than meet my expectations.  (Briefly hugs Sibling 2) Thank you so much, this is the best gift ever, and it’s not even my birthday!

Sibling 2: Aw, you’re welcome, kiddo.  It beats having to deal with trick-or-treaters that night.

Sibling 1: Especially since I never got around to buying any candy for them.

 HALLOWEEN

          (Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drive up to a sprawling mansion as dusk gathers and an occasional wind carries the sound of hammering with it; a sign planted in front of the building reads “The Winchester Mystery House® Experience – Enter If You Dare!”)

Sibling 1: (As both exit the car carrying overnight bags and lean back to look up at the mansion) This is so cool – I mean, it’s definitely much smaller, but they even got the inconsistent architecture right.  (Points to an upper wing in glee) Ooh, ooh, I think that’s one of the doors to nowhere!

Sibling 2: I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough when we fall out of it – come on.

(They walk up to the front door and Sibling 2 takes out a piece of paper with a code to enter on the electronic lock; once unlocked, they enter the large, dark, and echoing house and drop their bags by the front door)

Sibling 1: (Cups hands around mouth) Helllllllloooooooo?????

Sibling 2: (Locks the door behind them) There’d better not be anyone else here.

Sibling 1: Just trying to let the ghosts know we’ve arrived; it’s good manners.

Sibling 2: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but aside from me not believing in them to begin with, the whole ghost part of this experience is a tad exploitative of the family’s tragedy, doncha think?

Sibling 1: Then why’d you get us tickets to come here in the first place?

Sibling 2: Because you always wanted to go, and this one’s not even the real house so the only ghosts we’ll be seeing will be animatronic, optical, plastic, or some combination of those, with a few pre-recorded howls and screams tossed in for good measure.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I was kinda hoping to see Sarah Winchester.

Sibling 2: That’s ghoulish – let her rest in peace, and unless she and any other spirits actually did remain on this mortal plane and decided to travel cross-country, you’ll have to settle for your nowhere stairs or whatever they are.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yes, thanks for reminding me, I wanna see those right away!  (Starts to run for the main staircase and is grabbed by the shirt collar and yanked back by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: Just a second – we need some lights in here, and it seems our hosts have left us instructions. 

(At a small table near the entrance, there are two electric candles, a stack of papers, a map, a ring of keys, and two handheld cassette tape players)

Sibling 2: (Turns on the candles, hands one to Sibling 1, and uses the other to locate a light switch on the walls but finds none) Great, I guess it’s batteries, flames, or nothing.

Sibling 1: (Holds the candle underneath the chin to cast an eerie light) The original house had electricity and even indoor plumbing, but we get the old-timey experience, wooooooo!

Sibling 2: Did the original house also have an electronic lock on the front door?

Sibling 1: (Lowers the candle) Perhaps they could’ve at least sprung for solar-powered lights, then.

Sibling 2: Yeah.  (Hands the map and a cassette player to Sibling 1 and starts to read the papers) “Welcome, Guests, to ‘The Winchester Mystery House® Experience’!  This is a parody; any resemblance to the actual Winchester Mystery House® is not intentional”…?  (Frowns in confusion)

Sibling 1: (Playing with the cassette tape) Skip all that and get to the good stuff!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head to clear it and skips ahead) Yadda, yadda, yadda; blah, blah, blah – OK, here we go: “The map is your guide, so keep it with you always – ” (Widens eyes and speaks in a spooky voice to Sibling 1) “or you may become lost in the house – FOREVER!”

Sibling 1: (Giggles) So exciting.

Sibling 2: (Smiles and reads more) “You may roam where you wish, but beware the North-Northwest Wing – ” ooh, must be good – “ and watch your step, for who knows where the many rooms and halls and stairs of the house may take you!”

Sibling 1: (Bounces up and down slightly) Oh my gosh, this is almost too much!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah – “For your own safety and for liability purposes, please obey any signage you may see as covered in the waiver you signed – ” Skip!  (Flips through several pages) “Dinner and breakfast are in the icebox in the kitchen; if there is an emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately – ”

Sibling 1: (Weaving the candle through the air to make figure eights of the afterglow) Bo-ring!

Sibling 2: OK, you’ll like this part: “Don’t disturb the ghosts, but they may disturb you!”  Mwahahaha!

Sibling 1: (Stops weaving the candle) Cool.

Sibling 2: “Enjoy your stay, and please leave a review on www. – ” (Tosses the papers back onto the table) I think that covers everything; wanna go explore now?

Sibling 1: YES!  (Grabs the key ring and checks the map) Let’s go upstairs and work our way down!  (Runs up the main staircase)

Sibling 2: (Grabs the other cassette player and follows at a slower pace) Fine by me.

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 make their way up to the multi-leveled third floor and check the map again; the sound of hammering has gotten louder)

Sibling 1: That’s weird: it doesn’t say where the North-Northwest Wing is.

Sibling 2: Probably because we’re not supposed to go there.

Sibling 1: No, they just said to beware of it, which is a clear invitation to go there first.

Sibling 2: Hm.  Maybe the audio tour’ll help.  (Presses “Play” on the cassette player)

Voice on Tape: Welcome to "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience.”  In 1884, Sarah Winchester –

Sibling 2: (Presses “Stop”) Well that’ll take forever – there isn’t even a way to fast-forward to specific sections of the house if you’re just wandering around.

Sibling 1: Guess we’d have to tour the house in the order they recorded this; maybe I’ll listen to it tomorrow.

Sibling 2: Check-out’s at 10 a.m.

Sibling 1: Wow.  For something that doesn’t get a lot of visitors, they certainly don’t waste any time shooing us out.  So!  (Holds up the map) North-Northwest Wing, North-Northwest Wing… is it our west or actual west?

Sibling 2: I’m guessing our west, since we’re going to it from inside the house.

Sibling 1: Huh, maybe…. (Passes by a window and sees a construction worker hammering on the roof of a nearby wing) Whoa, how authentic!

Sibling 2: (Peers out the window next to Sibling 1) What, that they’re running tours out of place that’s half-built?  Sounds about right.

Sibling 1: No-no-no, I mean this is part of the whole Winchester House’s history: Sarah Winchester kept having rooms built all the time, day and night, to appease the spirits of the victims of the Winchester rifles.  That’s what she spent the family fortune on: a never-ending quest for peace.

Sibling 2: Mm.  Yeah, 24/7 construction sounds like a nightmare.

Sibling 1: (Opening the window) Lemme ask –

Sibling 2: (Trying to stop the window from opening) Aw, leave ‘em alone –

Sibling 1: (To Construction Worker 1) Good sir!  (Construction Worker 1 stops hammering and looks up at Sibling 1) Would you be so kind as to direct us to the North-Northwest Wing?

Construction Worker 1: (Points to another wing) It be that way, but beware –

Sibling 2: (While closing the window) Oh, we’ll be waring our hearts out all over this place, thank-you!  (To Sibling 1) Let’s go and stop bothering the employees, OK?

Sibling 1: I’m sure they just love to help souls in need.

Sibling 2: I bet they do.

Sibling 1: (As they start walking where they were directed) Fantastic: even the clothes were 1800s-style....

(They tread carefully through the darkening house as the sun sets and night descends; a hallway turns to a staircase that ends abruptly at the ceiling when they climb it)

Sibling 1: Yes!  One of the staircases that lead to nowhere, at last!

Sibling 2: Neat.  We probably should go back down then, huh?

Sibling 1: Yeah – we’ll have to stop by here again in the morning though; I can barely see anything with this candle.

Sibling 2: Right.  (Takes out a cell phone, turns on the flashlight feature, and hands it to Sibling 1) Here.

Sibling 1: Thanks, but won’t it drain your battery?

Sibling 2: It will, but I really don’t want to go back outside tonight to get the flashlight from the car, and we can use your phone if we have to.

Sibling 1: (Taps forehead with the phone) Always thinking.

(They eventually arrive at the North-Northwest Wing, which starts with a long corridor)

Sibling 1: Oooooohhhhhh, even the hallway looks haunted.  (Creaking sounds are heard overhead; Sibling 1 ducks slightly) What was that?!  Are the ghosts afoot?!

Sibling 2: My guess is rats are afeet – wanna start actually exploring some of the rooms?

Sibling 1: Oh!  Yeah, I got so thrown off with finding this section that I almost forgot that part.  (Holds the key ring up to the light, flicks through the keys, and reads the labels) “Guest Room 1” – “Guest Room 2” – “Guest Bathroom” – “East Wing Library” –

Sibling 2: Allow me.  (Grabs the key ring and goes through the keys faster as Sibling 2 holds up the light, then groups together several of the keys) Here we go: North-Northwest Wing Rooms.  One says “Music Room”, so that sounds promising.

Sibling 1: (Holds that key as Sibling 2 hands over the ring) A ghostly Beethoven, playing an afterlife sonata.

Sibling 2: Sure.

(They walk down the corridor slowly, hearing noises as they get closer to the door labelled “Music Room”)

Sibling 1: (Whispering) I think the ghosts are inside!

Sibling 2: (Also whispering) OK, just take a deep breath and try not to faint, please – I don’t want to have to carry you four-and-a-half floors back downstairs.

(As they approach the door, muffled voices are heard, along with a single piano note)

Sibling 1: (Still whispering) This is it!  Ghostly music!

Sibling 2: (Still whispering) Great, great, so open the door – (Mutters) let’s see what I paid for.

(Sibling 1 slowly puts the key into the lock, slowly turns it, and puts one hand on the doorknob)

Sibling 1: (Mouths) 1 – 2 – 3!

(Sibling 1 shoves the door open to reveal several construction workers lounging about in comfy chairs and at a grand piano)

Sibling 2: …Hi.

Construction Worker 2: Hello.

Sibling 1: Is… this the Music Room?

Construction Worker 2: `Twill be once we’re done building it.  (Gestures to the partially finished walls) Then, `twill be demolished and built anew, like all the others.

Construction Workers: (Sadly) Aye.

Construction Worker 2: For now though, we use it as a break room.  (Holds out glasses to Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Sherry?

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1 as the latter reaches for a glass) No thank you, so sorry to have disturbed you, please enjoy your break, and… keep up the good work!  (They close and lock the door behind them)

Construction Worker 2: (Sighs) Oh, we will.  Forever.

Construction Workers: Aye.  (Piano note)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 run back down the corridor and out of the North-Northwest Wing, stopping at a staircase to a lower level)

Sibling 2: I didn’t realize there’d be a whole bunch of people actually working while we were staying here!  And taking breaks wherever!  We were supposed to have the place to ourselves!

Sibling 1: I told you, it’s part of the authenticity!

Sibling 2: Yeah, but where else are they gonna be working, in the bathrooms?  (Gasps) In the bedrooms?!

Sibling 1: We’ll find out!  In the meantime, I’m hungry – let’s have dinner.

Sibling 2: Yeah, good idea.

(They use the map to go back downstairs to the first floor and find the kitchen, opening the door to reveal several construction workers building a rack to hold pots in the middle of the room)

Sibling 2: Oh great – I mean, good evening.

Construction Workers: (Briefly pausing) Good evening.

Construction Worker 3: Looking for the ice box?

Sibling 2: Yes please.

Construction Worker 3: (Gestures with a hammer to the far wall) Over there – mind your step.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

(Both tiptoe around construction workers and tools, grab packaged dinners out of the ice box, and begin to exit through another door to the dining room)

Construction Worker 3: (Pops up from the project) Oh, beware –

Sibling 1: (Turns around eagerly) YES?!

Construction Worker 3: A crew is rebuilding the table and chairs in there right now, so `twill be tricky when you sit for your meal.

Sibling 2: (Pushes open the door slightly to reveal hammering, sawing, and sanding; allows the door to close again) We’ll take these upstairs, thank you.

Construction Worker 3: Suit yourselves.  (Returns to levelling the rack)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 grab their overnight bags near the front door and use the map to find the Guest Rooms; in that corridor, they gingerly step around more construction and workers spread throughout, the activity and noise increasing in volume the closer they get to the rooms.  At the one labelled “Guest Room 1”, they use the matching key to enter and then close and lock the door behind them)

Sibling 2: (As they drop their bags to the floor and set up the dinners on the bed) Well, at least it’s slightly quieter in here.

Sibling 1: Hm – you think they’ll work all night long, like the real ones did?

Sibling 2: I certainly hope not; I’d like to get some sleep to-

(A loud MOAN is heard from behind the closed closet door; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 hug each other in terror)

Sibling 1: (Whispering frantically) What was that?!  Is that the ghost?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Sibling 2: (Releases Sibling 1 and shakes head in irritation) No – (Another MOAN is heard and Sibling 2 jumps in shock) ahem – no, but I’m sure gonna find out what it is.

Sibling 1: (Hands the cell phone light to Sibling 2) Be careful!  Don’t let the ghost possess your body and terrorize the living!

Sibling 2: There’s no such thing as – never mind.

(Another MOAN is heard; Sibling 2 braces for impact, then flings open the closet door)

Construction Worker 4: (Turns around from working on an exposed pipe in the back wall) Oh, hello.

Sibling 2: OK: get out.

Construction Worker 4: But I was told to get this done tonight.

Sibling 2: It can wait 15 hours – (Points to the hall door) begone.

Construction Worker 4: (Gathers tools and starts to leave as Sibling 2 unlocks the door) The missus will not be pleased to hear of this.

Sibling 2: Then give me her number, I’ll tell her myself!

Construction Worker 4: (Stops in confusion) What number?

Sibling 2: OUT!  (Relocks the door after Construction Worker 4 leaves in a hurry; there are agitated voices in the corridor, and then the hammering, sawing, and sanding increase in volume even more; Sibling 2 collapses onto the bed and stares at the continually creaking ceiling) Mind if I bunk with you tonight?  I really don’t want to go back out into that hallway while they’re still… working.

Sibling 1: Sure!  It’ll be fun, and we can tell each other Halloween scary stories all night long!

Sibling 2: (Smiles softly) Yeah, it’ll be fun.

Sibling 1: (Starts eating the prepared dinner) Just one question: didn’t you pay for two rooms?

Sibling 2: Right now, I’d pay for everybody to leave.

NOVEMBER 1

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 exit the front door with their overnight bags, resetting the electronic lock while construction workers regularly pass by with different-sized ladders)

Sibling 1: (As they walk around gardeners on their way to the car) Well, I had a great time!

Sibling 2: Glad one of us did.  My review of this place will be a bit harsh, so you may want to help me temper the wording before I submit it.

Sibling 1: Of course!  I just think it was awesome we finally got to explore almost-the-real-house, and we saw so many ghosts here!

Sibling 2: (Freezes, then laughs) Wait, you don’t think all these – (Waves a hand at the construction workers busily remodeling and replanting around the house) are actually ghosts, right?  They’re just contractors.  Probably illegally overworked, for all they annoyed me.

Sibling 1: No, they’re the ghosts – see?  (Holds out the papers that had been on the front table) “All noncorporeal entities that you witness are on technically unauthorized ‘loan’ from the Winchester Mystery House®, in order to heighten the experience – they will vanish upon guests’ check-out.”

Sibling 2: (Takes the papers and reads them, then snorts in disbelief) Yeah, and if you believe that – (Suddenly looks up as all construction sounds cease; no construction worker is in sight, anywhere) What...?  Where…?  Who…?

Sibling 1: (Checks watch) 10:00, on the dot!  (Slaps Sibling 2 on the shoulder) This was the best Halloween ever – thanks!  (Gets into the car’s passenger seat)

Sibling 2: (Still staring at the now-empty house) …Does it count as a haunting if I didn’t realize it was happening at the time?

Story 513: Haunted House for Sale

            (In a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2 hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)

Ghost 1: You won’t believe what just happened!

Ghost 2: (Looks up from the book) Hm?  Oh, I probably will – what is it?

Ghost 1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside!  Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!

Ghost 2: Huh.  But there hasn’t been anyone actually inside the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight unseen?  Sounds like a bad investment to me.

Ghost 1: I know!  We slipped up big-time, I tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn this into a –

Ghost 2: Don’t say it!

Ghost 1: – bed-and-breakfast!

Ghost 2: NOOOOOO!!!!  We’ll be surrounded by weekending tourists, all week long!

Ghost 1: We should never have let this happen – I told you we needed to branch out and start haunting the Internet!

Ghost 2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.

Ghost 1: Well, it’s too late now!  The relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it!  This is our house, our land, forever has been, and forever will be!

Ghost 3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.

Ghost 1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.

Ghost 3: Gotcha.  (Ducks back out)

Ghost 1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!

Ghost 2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away screaming for their lives.

Ghost 1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it) Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!

Ghost 2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during our indefinite stay here.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(The new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf howling in the distance)

Owner: (Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties, anyone home, heh-heh-heh?

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor hallway facing the entrance)

Ghost 1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.

Ghost 3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a mess.  Although, it was a lot of fun messing with them, so, yeah.

(Owner sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly exploring the rooms)

Owner: (Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!

Ghost 1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?

Ghost 2: No!  It’ll probably be too expensive to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.

Ghost 1: Good point.

(Owner turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs, unknowingly toward the ghosts)

Owner: I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!

Ghost 1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.

Ghost 2: Easy there.

Ghost 3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for… something.  (Quickly floats down the hall and through a bedroom door)

Ghost 1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.

(After an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)

Owner: (Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!

Ghost 1: Yippee.

Owner: (Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs) PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?

Ghost 1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.

(Ghost 3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)

Ghost 3: So, what’d I miss?

Ghost 2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.

Ghost 3: Ah.  What’s up there this time?

Ghost 1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or maybe something else entirely, I forget.

Ghost 2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as confusing.

Ghost 1: (Thinks on this) Drat.  Well, there’s always Plan B.

(Owner comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost 1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)

Ghost 1: Boo.

Owner: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  (Runs all the way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all the way to the main road)

Ghost 2: (To Ghost 1) Well done!  Another one out of our afterlives forever!

Ghost 1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.

Ghost 3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?

Ghost 1: Oh, I highly doubt it.  (Looks determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them, forever have been, and forever will be!

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign: “COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES!  WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”)

Ghost 3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?

Ghost 2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on?  Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?

Ghost 1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!