Story 443: Human Body Complaint Desk

 (Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)

Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?

Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah?  It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.

Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?

Heart: Definitely.  Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet?  I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.

Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out.  Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.

Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta!  (Jogs off)

Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them.  Next!  (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”

Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it.  (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient.  I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –

Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.

Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.

Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?

Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.

Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.

Tongue: Quite.  So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!

Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!

Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!

Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.

Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ!  I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.

Brain: So what’s the problem?

Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that!  (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)

Ginger: `Sup.

Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you?  You haven’t minded in the past.

Tongue: Well!  Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good!  (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!

Tongue: Ugh!  (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)

Brain: Huh.  What’s that doing there?

Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!

Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.

Tongue: Right.  So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –

Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!

Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –

Ginger: Easy there, buddy.

Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?

Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week!  And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload!  (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!

Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.

Right Eye: No biggie.

Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!

Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?

Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.

Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.

Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day.  (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?

Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.

Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say?  We get the job done.

Tongue: But what about me???!!!

(Everyone else stares at Tongue)

Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it.  And I’m not sorry.  (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!

Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!

Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –

Tongue: I do now!  Is that so wrong?!

Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.

Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!

Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.

Ginger: Don’t push it.

Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.

Small Intestines: I’ll say.

Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!

(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)

Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair!  I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!

Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK?  And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.

Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you!  (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this!  (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !

Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!

Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.

Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget.  (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)

Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it.  (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?

Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Brain: (Taken aback) Oh.  Thank you.  So this isn’t a complaint, then?

Spinal Cord: Not at all!  It’s positive feedback!

Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Story 366: The Sleep Stealer

 (Sibling 1 is sitting at a kitchen table and working on a laptop while surrounded by piles of paper when the phone rings)

Sibling 1: (Hits a button on the phone to answer the call on speaker) Yo.

Sibling 2: Well, hello to you, too.

Sibling 1: Sorry – doing another all-nighter for work.  If I keep going without breaks, I can be done in… (Checks watch) two weeks.

Sibling 2: Ouch.  I won’t keep you long – just checking if you wanted to drive when we go to the concert on Saturday.

Sibling 1: (Stops mid-type) Oh.  That’s this Saturday?

Sibling 2: Yes, and you’re still going, work or nay.  And that settles it: I’m driving.

Sibling 1: Oh, thanks.  It’ll be good to do something sort-of real for a change: I’m either working all the time or collapsed on the couch watching anything for hours just so I don’t think about having to get up for work soon.

Sibling 2: Well, don’t forget to squeeze in some sleep there.

Sibling 1: Hah-hah, sleep: what’s that and who needs it?

Sibling 2: Something necessary for good health, and everybody.

Sibling 1: Huh?

Sibling 2: I’m serious: not getting enough sleep is bad for you, and if you keep not getting enough then your body’s gonna snatch some wherever it can.

Sibling 1: (Typing nervously) You make it sound like a thief.

Sibling 2: Been finding yourself taking random naps lately, especially when you want to stay awake?

Sibling 1: …I thought that was a part of old age.  You know, how old people keeping falling asleep whenever and wherever, `cause they’re old?  I figured I’ve joined their ranks.

Sibling 2: That’s different, and you really aren’t old enough for that yet.

Sibling 1: Depends on the era and society you ask.

Sibling 2: Look, just try to get at least seven hours of sleep –

Sibling 1: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Sibling 2: – and you’ll feel, and work, so much better, trust me.  And if you don’t, your body’s gonna steal that sleep on you any way it can get some.

Sibling 1: I’ll keep that in mind when I reply to its ransom note; see you on Saturday, byeeeee!  (Hits the phone to disconnect the call)

Sibling 2: (Mutters while setting down the phone to resume video game play) Better not keel over during the concert; I am not picking you up off that disgusting floor.

(Sibling 1 continues to work, as each hour marches regularly past.  After a long blink, the word “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff” fills the screen)

Sibling 1: Hm.  (Highlights and deletes that section)  Wonder when that happened?  (Blinks and sees that word fill the screen again) Oh come on, don’t tell me the computer’s broken, that’s the trash icing on the garbage cake of my life!  (Highlights and deletes that section, then types slowly without incident) OK.  OK.  Must’ve been a fluke.  (Hears a faint, sinister giggle, and freezes) Hello?  (Silence) Is there a freeloader ghost hanging around here?  (Grabs a baseball bat that was left on the kitchen counter and combs the apartment, but sees no one) You know, if you’re gonna interrupt me like that you should at least have the common courtesy to either show yourself or clean up this mess around here!

(Tosses away the bat, finishes work for the night, and settles on the couch in front of the television with a satisfied sigh at 2:00 a.m.)

Sibling 1: (Navigates menus with the remote) At last, my reward: two episodes of my favorite retro sitcom oughta do it.  (Watches the first 15 minutes, blinks, and sees the end credits scrolling by at light speed) Hey!  What happened to the rest – did they edit it out for commercials?!  (Navigates with the remote and sees that the entire episode had aired) No it didn’t – (Sees the time displayed on the television is 2:30 a.m.) Oh come on, don’t tell me the TV’s broken, I’ll just dissolve!  (A faint, sinister giggle echoes through the living room; Sibling 1 warily turns off the television) Maybe I’ll just go to bed now instead.

(At an office the next day, Sibling 1 is sitting in a conference room with coworkers for a meeting)

Presenter: While this next slide is a bit dry, it does give a good overview of how our sales this last quarter were the absolute worst –

(Sibling 1 nods, blinks, and notices a sudden, sharp pain)

Sibling 1: Huh?  (Looks down at right foot and sees neighboring Coworker’s foot crushing down on it)

Presenter: Yes?  You have a question?

Sibling 1: Um… I was just wondering… what’s the meaning… of it all?

Presenter: Excellent!  That’s exactly what my next slide covers!

(After the meeting, the attendees leave in groups)

Sibling 1: (Whispering to Coworker) Hey: did you mean to pulverize all the bones in my foot earlier or was that just a “Whoopsie”?!

Coworker: (Whispering) I did you a favor – you totally fell asleep back there!  Normally I’d’ve joined you, but I’ve been too irritated all day to be that relaxed.

Sibling 1: What’re you talking about?  I was awake the whole time!

Coworker: Then you were doing fantastic performance art as someone with their eyes closed and snoring.

Sibling 1: Nah-uh, you’re imagining things!

Coworker: The entire table was staring at you!  Good thing our manager’s out today or they’d’ve flipped out!

Sibling 1: But I couldn’t’ve – I was awake for the whole – I heard every –

Coworker: Whatever.  You’re welcome, and you owe me.  (Leaves)

Sibling 1: (Sits back down on one of the conference room chairs) But I couldn’t have been asleep, I remember…. (Hears a faint, sinister giggle and looks around, agitated) What?!  Did the daycare here finally revolt?!

(At the concert on Saturday, the audience members who are able are on their feet and singing with the band)

Sibling 2: (Shouting to be heard) I don’t know why I pay all this money to hear us sing with them, when I could do the same thing at home and have them all to myself for free!  (When there is no response, turns to see Sibling 1 swaying slightly in place with eyes closed) Hey, you hear?  Or here?!  (Flicks Sibling 1 in the ear)

Sibling 1: Ow!  Quit it, I’m watching the show!

Sibling 2: Are you?!  What song did we all just sing?

Sibling 1: (Rubbing ear) Ummm…. “Baby I Got You But Now What?”

Sibling 2: That was half an hour ago!

Sibling 1: …It sticks with you.

Sibling 2: I told you sleep’s gonna get you if you don’t get enough!

Sibling 1: I thought it was my body that’s going to get the sleep if I didn’t get enough?

Sibling 2: You know what I mean!

(In the midst of the screaming crowds, Sibling 1’s eyes start twitching as the faint, sinister giggle is heard)

(The next afternoon, Sibling 1 stretches out on the couch with a book and a blanket)

Sibling 1: Aaaah, that brief window of time in the week where I have zero obligations – I can’t wait to read my first book in 10 years.  (Turns around the book to read the back cover)

Back Cover: Our main character may be physically confined to a wheelchair, but the heart, mind, and soul yearn to one day explore the vast reaches of outer space….

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, nerd.  (Blinks, then sees a streetlight shining in through the window; sits up suddenly in the darkened living room) Whoa!  Did Krakatoa erupt again?!  (Turns on a lamp and sees a figure sitting on the other end of the couch) Ah!  Home invader!

Sleep Stealer: Not exactly.  I’ve been with you a long while now.

Sibling 1: …Stalker?

Sleep Stealer: No!  I’ve been giving you the sleep you so desperately need.

Sibling 1: <Gasp!>  You’ve been drugging me?!

Sleep Stealer: (Sighs bodily) Seems the deprivation has made your brain reach the Stupid Stage.  Your sleep for the past year has been dreck, so I had to step in and take it for you; whenever, wherever, doesn’t matter: you’re getting it.

Sibling 1: (Clutches the blanket to chest) Oh I don’t think so, meddler!  I sleep on my schedule, got it?!

Sleep Stealer: Uh-huh.  Left to your schedule, you’ll be sleeping zero hours a day soon.

Sibling 1: Good!  I hate sleep – it cuts into my work productivity and my “me” time!

Sleep Stealer: I see extreme measures are needed.  (Slaps an alarm onto Sibling 1’s wrist)

Sibling 1: (Staring at the alarm in horror) What the blazes is this?!

Sleep Stealer: Your salvation.  It will ensure that you fall asleep no matter what at exactly 11:00 every night, and wake up at exactly 7:00 the following morning.  Naps are optional.

Sibling 1: (Struggles to remove the alarm) WHAT?!  You can’t do that!  What if I’m out driving?!

Sleep Stealer: Since when have you been out driving during those hours?

Sibling 1: All right, fine, but what if I’m at a family thing, or, you know....

Sleep Stealer: Working?

Sibling 1: No….

Sleep Stealer: Watching TV?

Sibling 1: Just a little…

Sleep Stealer: Reading?

Sibling 1: (Picks up the book) I did just start this bestseller!  (Opens to a random page) Wow, this is super long!

Sleep Stealer: You’ll find the time.  And you’ll thank me for it when you start feeling better, and don’t see me anymore.  (Disappears)

Sibling 1: If I don’t see you anymore how can I thank you for it?!

(Several weeks later, Sibling 2 calls Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Hi, how’re you feeling?

Sibling 1: (Serenely ensconced on the bed) Better than I have in years.  I’m finally back to a regular eight-hour sleep schedule, and everything in my life’s now falling into place: I feel happier, my memory’s improved, my blood pressure’s lower, I lost some weight, I’m watching less TV and reading more books, and I’m actually getting more stuff done at work than when I was working all day and all night.

Sibling 2: That’s great!  I told you getting more sleep would help!

Sibling 1: Yes, you were right, gloat away.  (Alarm beeps) And that’s my cue to get some shut-eye!

Sibling 2: But it’s 3 in the afternoon.

Sibling 1: I’ve also discovered that scheduled naps are a blessing and a joy that all should partake in if they can.  With all this reversion to childhood behaviors, I think I may have found the key to eternal youth!

Story 306: Subconscious Problem Solver

        (Inside The Mind – an Old West-style saloon, with Brain Cells as the customers and Subconscious as the bartender)

          Subconscious: (To Brain Cell at the bar) I know it’s all very thrilling and keeps the malaise at bay, but if The Host keeps this up then we’re just gonna keep losing more of you guys every time Cranium gets whacked.

            Brain Cell: But the thrill of it all!  (Whirls back to a table to rest)

           Subconscious: No one ever listens to me.  (To the rest of the room) Anyone want to hear that song from the 80s – you know, the catchy one about Australia?  (Mumbles of assent)  All righty then.  (Turns on the jukebox and plays remembered segments of the song; the rest of the room groggily hums along) There, that should be a nice distraction for a bit.  (Returns to the bar and starts straightening items that are askew)

           (A shadowy figure appears at the swinging doors and then slams them open, freezing in the entrance upon seeing all the slumped figures at the tables)

            Conscious: What on Earth…?

            Subconscious: Well, well, well, look who’s decided to check on things in the deep recesses of The Mind.  For a while there, I thought you’d forgotten we existed.

            Conscious: (Approaches the bar) Listen, you know I appreciate all you do here –

            Subconscious: Save it: what do you want?

            Conscious: I have another problem.

          Subconscious: Ugh, another problem?  You seem to be collecting them lately – maybe look into that, hm?

           Conscious: Yeah, yeah; see, the thing is, I have been trying and trying to find a way to fix this for days now, and so far – nothing.

            Subconscious: Really.

            Conscious: Yeah, and I thought, well, maybe if you worked on it like you usually do…?

            Subconscious: So I’m supposed to exhaust myself day and night trying to figure this thing out while you go off on your merry little way, singing songs and skipping stones and sleeping soundly until I call you with the answer that I had to wring out of my very soul?!

            Conscious: No-o, I’ll still be thinking about it every so often.

          Subconscious: HA!  It’s the same every time: “How’s it going?”  “Any ideas yet?”  “What’s taking so long?”  “Why haven’t you solved my self-imposed crisis yet, you lazy good-for-nothing?!”  And when I’m finally able to deliver, I don’t even get a “Thank you!”

            Conscious: Um… thank you?

            Subconscious: (Glares) Is that a question?

            Conscious: Um….

          Subconscious: Forget it – just tell me what it is.  (Conscious hands over a slip of paper that Subconscious reads) Seriously?!

            Conscious: Yeah, it’s a doozy.

            Subconscious: How do you get yourself into these messes?!

           Conscious: I honestly have no idea – maybe if I did, I wouldn’t get myself into them so much?

            Subconscious: (Tosses the paper back at Conscious) Fine, I’ll work on it, now scram.

           Conscious: (Heading towards the swinging doors) Gee, thanks Sub, I’ll owe you another one, you’re the best!  (Falls out through the doors)

            Subconscious: I’m certainly the better.

ONE WEEK LATER

            Subconscious: (To an Antibody at the bar) All right, we have room for you to stay as long as you make yourself useful.

            Antibody: Thanks awfully!  And I’ll get on that nasty virus right away!  (Dashes out the doors as Conscious arrives)

            Subconscious: Oh look, it’s the Master of the House.

            Conscious: Ha-ha, you rang?

          Subconscious: Yeah, I figured out your problem for you.  (Hands over a piece of paper that Conscious reads)

            Conscious: I can’t do that!

            Subconscious: It’s that or nothing.

            Conscious: (Tears up the paper) Unacceptable!  Come up with something else!

            Subconscious: The something else is nothing.

            Conscious: Noooo!!!  I won’t do it, I won’t!

          Subconscious: Fine, don’t – makes no difference to me, I just turn off my newsfeed when things get ugly out there.  (Switches off the TV that is mounted above the bar and tuned to the Five Senses Channel)

           Conscious: (Pouts for a while, then slumps) All right, I’ll do it since it seems I have no choice!

           Subconscious: Oh, good for you.  And you forgot something.

           Conscious: What, more no-win solutions?

           Subconscious: No, just two magic words.

           Conscious: I’m not thanking you for putting me in just as bad a position as I was when this all started!

           Subconscious: It would be best to think about any future favors you may need from me.  And stop being a brat.

            Conscious: Oh, all right – thank you.

         Subconscious: You’re welcome, now get out – you’re upsetting my customers, and they already don’t like you.

            Conscious: (To the room) But you’re all a part of me, too!

            Brain Cell: Yeah, but we like the other guy better.