[Disclaimer: Not an accurate depiction of the real-life figures featured]
(In the back room of a painting party studio, Artist preps for an upcoming event as Manager enters)
Manager: Hey – your 2:30’s here. As in all of them.
Artist: (Freezes) What?! Already?! I didn’t even get to stencil the design yet, `cause you still didn’t tell me what they picked, and now you’re saying they’re all here, and it’s not even – (Looks at watch) 2:25?!
Manager: Relax, you’re gonna like this one.
Artist: I hate it already!
Manager: You’ll change your mind when I tell you who they are.
Artist: The only ones I’ll accept right now are the Dalai Lama and Mother Angelica!
Manager: Let me back up a bit here: you know how you’re always whining about how you got your master’s degree in fine arts and jobs like these drain your soul more and more each day?
Artist: I – !... Did I say that out loud?
Manager: Frequently. And you know how when somebody here asked which famous people you’d want to have dinner with, living or dead, and you rattled off a bunch of painters you wish you were and never will be?
Artist: You certainly remember a lot.
Manager: Well, since today’s your birthday, that’s just the event that I booked for you. (Opens the door and pushes Artist into the main room) Have a ball! (Slams the door)
Artist: (Stares at the six attendees seated expectantly at the empty easels set up for them) Uh… hello.
Masters: Greetings.
Artist: Sorry to keep you waiting – I wasn’t notified ahead of time which painting you would like to do, so if you tell me now we can get started.
Leonardo da Vinci: (Holds up a postcard featuring The Last Supper) In all modesty, I believe this exquisite masterpiece would be sufficient for our needs.
Gu Kaizhi: Ha! That finger painting is unworthy of this gathering. (Holds up a silk handscroll of Nymph of the Luo River) This, however, is what we should all strive to accomplish this afternoon.
Georgia O’Keefe: (Holding up a coffee table art book featuring An Orchid on the cover) And I still say you can’t go wrong with the deceptive simplicity of the flower, AKA Nature’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if we can do any better.
Christy Brown: I disagree: behold my selection. (Holds up a copy of Boats in the Harbour with his left foot)
Frida Kahlo: If you want to be conventional about the whole thing, then by all means choose that one; however, if you want true insight into the soul, I suggest you go with this little symbolic masterpiece. (Holds up a copy of The Two Fridas)
Chéri Samba: You are all so dull. (Holds up a copy of Je suis un rebelle) Clearly this is beyond your abilities but should be a fun exercise, no?
(They all turn to Artist)
Artist: Uhhhhh… you can only pick one design for this event.
(They all toss their works behind them in disgust)
Leonardo da Vinci: Fine, the majority voted earlier on that spaceship as a backup. (Points to one of the canvases on display)
Artist: (Turns to the canvas and moves it to an empty easel on a platform facing the attendees) Um, OK, just make yourselves comfortable and have a snack or something while I stencil the canvases for you.
(The Masters burst out laughing)
Frida Kahlo: We have no need for such a child’s tool – the blank canvas is all.
Artist: OK.... (Distributes blank canvases to each easel) Just give me a few minutes then –
Gu Kaizhi: Surely you do not need such a child’s tool?
Artist: (Frozen in the Masters’ judging gazes) …Of course not. (Sets a blank canvas a bit too hard onto the other empty easel, grabs a palette and brush, surreptitiously wipes sweat off forehead, and clears throat) So, for the background you want to dip your large brush into the black paint and work from the outer edges in.
Georgia O’Keefe: (Starting to paint) I must say, I was the lone holdout on the extraterrestrial theme.
Christy Brown: I am sure you can handle the vastness of space that is 90% dark matter anyway.
Georgia O’Keefe: Exactly – between that and the artificial subject of the piece, where is the Life?!
Artist: Um, you can use the other colors to add stars if you want.
Chéri Samba: Way ahead of you; do you mind terribly if I add a supernova in the upper right corner?
Artist: No-o, go right ahead and add anything you like: this is a casual, fun event where you can do pretty much whatever you want on your artwork.
Georgia O’Keefe: How about a big ol’ rose on top of the space vessel’s bridge?
Leonardo da Vinci: Enough with the flowers! If I cannot have the ideal version of Man in my painting, then you cannot have random buds in yours!
Georgia O’Keefe: Rude.
Artist: OK, how about now creating a general outline of the ship, anywhere you like it and however you like it – it doesn’t have to match this. (Waves the brush at the example canvas)
Gu Kaizhi: What kind of attitude is that for a teacher to have? Tell us what to do; don’t be shy!
Chéri Samba: Actually, we shouldn’t be confined by what others have done before us; we should use the canvas to express our inner souls, and if that means extra thrusters and laser cannons that weren’t on the original painting, then so be it!
Leonardo da Vinci: Ridiculous! What’s the point of painting anything if you have nothing with which to compare it, so you can point at yours and say how awesome it is?!
Frida Kahlo: Coming from someone who pretty much invented the helicopter, you of all people should encourage freedom of the brush stroke!
Artist: How about
we mix some complementary colors a bit to make a nice gray for the ship’s
hull? (Whips colors together
frantically)
TWO HOURS LATER
Artist: (Covered in paint, finishes the work with a flourish) And there we go! All done! (The Masters murmur polite praise) Really? You like it?
Masters: (Look at each other, turn back to Artist, and shrug) Eh.
Artist: Oh. (Recovers) Well, let’s see how your masterpieces turned out, shall we?
Gu Kaizhi: Don’t be patronizing.
Artist: Sorry – I’m in class mode. (Tours the easels and sees that each Master painted their self-portrait, set in outer space)
Christy Brown: Seems none of us could truly connect with the subject.
Artist: Then why did you pick it?!
(Five of them point to Leonardo da Vinci)
Leonardo da Vinci: Apparently, I live more in the future than any of you ever will.
Artist: You still only drew yourself!
Leonardo da Vinci: One day, the ship will be superfluous: humanity itself will be the only vessel needed to journey to the stars.
Artist: (Tosses the paintbrush into a nearby can and wipes paint-covered hands on a towel) OK, it’s your party; want me to take your picture with your… picture?
(They all start to remove their canvases from the easels)
Frida Kahlo: Actually, we must be going – thank you for your time, and I hope you learned something today.
Artist: I was supposed to teach you!
Frida Kahlo: Really? How interesting.
(They all leave; Artist slumps in a chair, facing the mess waiting to be cleaned)
Manager: (Enters from the back room) Soooo? How’d you like “teaching” the Masters, tee-hee-hee!
Artist: (Looks tiredly at the canvas painted that day) Turns out, there really is no right way to do art, and I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
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