Story 513: Haunted House for Sale

            (In a centuries-old Victorian-style house surrounded by an empty field, Ghost 2 hovers in an armchair in the parlor reading a book with semi-materialized hands when Ghost 1 floats in through the closed door)

Ghost 1: You won’t believe what just happened!

Ghost 2: (Looks up from the book) Hm?  Oh, I probably will – what is it?

Ghost 1: That real estate agent we keep having to chase away once a month came back and slapped an “Under Contract” sticker on the sign outside!  Didn’t even get out of the car to do it; just leaned out the window and then drove away right after, the coward!

Ghost 2: Huh.  But there hasn’t been anyone actually inside the place for decades – who would’ve bought it sight unseen?  Sounds like a bad investment to me.

Ghost 1: I know!  We slipped up big-time, I tell you: the buyer must’ve seen old photos posted online and now wants to turn this into a –

Ghost 2: Don’t say it!

Ghost 1: – bed-and-breakfast!

Ghost 2: NOOOOOO!!!!  We’ll be surrounded by weekending tourists, all week long!

Ghost 1: We should never have let this happen – I told you we needed to branch out and start haunting the Internet!

Ghost 2: I know, but it seemed such a hassle.

Ghost 1: Well, it’s too late now!  The relaxation-seekers will be streaming in any minute, demanding rustic atmosphere and French toast and quilted tea cozies and guided hikes until I’ll wish I could throw up but I literally don’t have the stomach for it!  This is our house, our land, forever has been, and forever will be!

Ghost 3: (Sticks head in through the door) Actually, the land this house was built on originally was part of the homeland of the Nanticoke Lenni-Lenape Tribal Nation, so I think they’d have a few words to say about that.

Ghost 1: (Points to Ghost 3) I… retract my prior statement.

Ghost 3: Gotcha.  (Ducks back out)

Ghost 1: (To Ghost 2) So what’re we going to do?!

Ghost 2: I think we should wait and see who actually bought the place and plan the hauntings accordingly – who knows, they could just be a stereotypical family who only need a few slamming doors and tipped-over chairs to make them run away screaming for their lives.

Ghost 1: (Tries to throw self onto the couch and instead hovers slightly above it) Ugh, I thought we were done with all this; full-out hauntings are sooooo exhausting!

Ghost 2: I know, but unfortunately they’re a necessary evil if we want any peace during our indefinite stay here.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(The new owner of the house arrives at night, during a full moon with a werewolf howling in the distance)

Owner: (Unlocks the front door and turns on the main light) Helloooooo, ghosties, anyone home, heh-heh-heh?

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 watch from behind the railing along the second floor hallway facing the entrance)

Ghost 1: Great, we’ve got a comedian.

Ghost 3: At least it’s not ghost hunters again – the last group made such a mess.  Although, it was a lot of fun messing with them, so, yeah.

(Owner sets down an overnight bag, closes and locks the front door, and begins slowly exploring the rooms)

Owner: (Shouting up at the ceiling and the second floor) DON’T MIND ME, I’M ONLY MAKING SURE NOTHING NEEDS MAJOR REPAIRS, NO DESECRATION IS INTENDED, I’M CERTAIN WE CAN ALL LIVE – oops – I MEAN, EXIST TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY!

Ghost 1: Wow, this one’s noisy – want me to release the chandelier now?

Ghost 2: No!  It’ll probably be too expensive to replace this time and they’ll just chuck it.

Ghost 1: Good point.

(Owner turns on the light for the staircase and hallway and slowly walks upstairs, unknowingly toward the ghosts)

Owner: I’M CHECKING THE BEDROOMS NOW, SO HIDE ANY UNSEEMLY LITEREATURE YOU HAVE BEFORE I GET THERE, HEH-HEH-HEH!

Ghost 1: (As the three watch Owner pass behind them) I am two seconds away from a spirit possession to make this one fall right back down the stairs.

Ghost 2: Easy there.

Ghost 3: Um, you two keep an eye on all this; I just gotta check in my room for… something.  (Quickly floats down the hall and through a bedroom door)

Ghost 1: (Stares disgustedly after Ghost 3) Unbelievable.

(After an uneventful search of the rooms, Owner stops at the attic door)

Owner: (Half-turns around) I’M GOING TO THE ATTIC NOW!

Ghost 1: Yippee.

Owner: (Unlocks the attic door, turns on the light, and slowly ascends the stairs) PLEASE DON’T HAVE A HANGING BODY OR YOUR IMAGES REFLECTED IN A MIRROR BEHIND ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, OK?

Ghost 1: Don’t worry; I never repeat myself.

(Ghost 3 floats out of the bedroom back to the other two)

Ghost 3: So, what’d I miss?

Ghost 2: (Points to the open door at the end of the hallway) Attic.

Ghost 3: Ah.  What’s up there this time?

Ghost 1: Oh, maybe the diary I left open to the page detailing how I slaughtered my entire family, or maybe the newspaper article detailing how the demon we summoned took forever to drive us all mad, or maybe the blood writing on the wall detailing how the house slowly came alive and consumed us out of spite, or maybe something else entirely, I forget.

Ghost 2: You know, I haven’t checked up there in a while, I hope we didn’t leave all that stuff lying out together – I think that wouldn’t be so much terrifying as confusing.

Ghost 1: (Thinks on this) Drat.  Well, there’s always Plan B.

(Owner comes back down the attic stairs, turns off the light, closes and locks the door, and starts walking back to the main stairs, looking very confused; Ghost 1 floats over and materializes immediately in Owner’s path)

Ghost 1: Boo.

Owner: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  (Runs all the way downstairs, grabs the overnight bag, unlocks the front door, stops halfway to the car, runs back inside the house, turns off the main light, locks the door, runs back to the car, and speeds away with tire marks on the driveway all the way to the main road)

Ghost 2: (To Ghost 1) Well done!  Another one out of our afterlives forever!

Ghost 1: Thank you – I’ve still got it.

Ghost 3: You don’t think anyone else’ll come along after this one, do you?

Ghost 1: Oh, I highly doubt it.  (Looks determinedly at the closed front door) But if they do, we’ll be ready for them, forever have been, and forever will be!

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(Ghost 1, Ghost 2, and Ghost 3 are in front of the house staring at the new sign: “COMING SOON: LUXURY TOWNHOUSES!  WARNING: TOWNSHOUSES WILL BE UNAFFORDABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE AND SUBJECT TO GROUNDWATER FLOODING”)

Ghost 3: So, how does it work if we no longer have an actual house to haunt?

Ghost 2: I suppose we finally, at long last, move on?  Eternal rest for our mildly tormented souls?

Ghost 1: Nah: this just means there’re more houses for us to haunt.

Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.

Story 302: Where Are All the Hauntings?

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) What’s up?

            Friend 1: You doing anything this Labor Day weekend?

            Friend 2: Yeah, I gotta work.

         Friend 1: Oh, the irony.  This might actually work out cheaper, then – you free any other weekend in September?

            Friend 2: Probably all of them, why?

          Friend 1: I think it’s time we finally went down to ---- --- and see all the ghosts that supposedly infest the place for ourselves.

            Friend 2: This again?  You know I don’t believe that stuff’s real.

          Friend 1: Then how do you explain all of the sightings, hm?  The temperature-decreasings, the furniture-slammings, the spectral-frolickings, the creepy-whisperings, the –

           Friend 2: Power of suggestion, mass hysteria, and really, really old buildings on the verge of collapse.  People see what they want to see, or hear, or whatever.

            Friend 1: But the whole city is registered as a National Haunted Landmark!

            Friend 2: I think you mean a National Historic Landmark.

            Friend 1: Potato-potato.

            Friend 2: Not po–tah-to?

            Friend 1: You heard me.  So you wanna go middle of the month?

            Friend 2: Sure; I love the trolley tours there.

MID-SEPTEMBER

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll through a pedestrian mall in ---- ---)

            Friend 2: I wonder if that cooking shop is still here?

            Friend 1: (Consulting a book and points) We can find out later – first let’s go over to that Christmas store on the corner.

            Friend 2: Ugh, don’t talk to me about Christmas when it’s still technically late summer; it’s bad enough all the Halloween stuff’s put out right after the 4^th of July.

            Friend 1: We’re not going to shop, we’re… hunting.  For hauntings.

            Friend 2: Oh dear.  Does your little book there say that store has the Ghost of Christmas Past hanging out by the register, then?

            Friend 1: I will ignore your use of “little” as a disparaging term, and go inside without you.  (Heads over to the entrance)

            Friend 2: Meet you at the fudge shop later.

            Friend 1: Which one?

            Friend 2: (Turns around and sees there are five in their area) Uhhhh…. (Points to the one farthest away) That one will be my last stop.

            Friend 1: Glutton.  (Dashes into the multi-holiday store, stops in the middle of an area surrounded by Christmas, Winter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, etc. decorations, closes eyes, spreads arms, and inhales sharply) Come spirits, I await thee and thy spookiness – (Is knocked over by passing shoppers who are trying to exit the store)

            Shopper: Sorry, excuse me!

            Friend 1: (Brushes off arms while getting up from the floor) Quite all right; entirely my fault.  (Is knocked over again by three more shoppers, then heads to a corner with tree ornaments to consult the book) Wait, it’s the other store in --- ------ that’s haunted?  Son of a witch.

            (In a local bed and breakfast, Friend 1 and Friend 2 settle in their twin beds for the night; a steady thumping is heard through the walls)

            Friend 1: This supposedly is the most haunted B&B in the entire state, and yet they have cable TV, free Wi-Fi, and not one ghost!

            Friend 2: (Trying to read a book about freshwater fishing) Maybe they only show up at midnight.

            Friend 1: It’s past midnight!

            Friend 2: So it is.

           Friend 1: I could have booked us separate rooms, you know – now you have to listen to me snoring all night, every night, until we check out.

            Friend 2: I’ll just dream about all the money I’m saving, thanks.

            (The thumping starts getting louder)

            Friend 1: (Gets out of the bed and puts on slippers) That’s it, I am not spending an entire night enduring that inconsideration.

            Friend 2: Be careful – they could be psychos.

            Friend 1: So can I.  (Tromps down the hall and bangs on their neighbors’ door.  The thumping continues, but there is no answer.  Friend 1 tries the knob, opens the door, and enters the room, stopping past the doorway – there is a couple in a queen-sized bed, looking petrified past Friend 1’s shoulder, and the thumping halts) Look, I know we’re all excited to be here, but some of us are trying to get some sleep before having a busy day relaxing tomorrow, so do you two mind knocking off the rave you have going on in here, m’kay?

            Both Guests: (Shakily pointing to the corner of the room next to the open door) Gh-gh-gh-gh-

          Friend 1: Good night?  Yes, good night to you too, now hush!  (Mutters) Tourists.  (Turns to leave) Oh!  (Is taken aback upon seeing a woman wearing an old-fashioned maid’s outfit standing in the corner) Finally, someone from Housekeeping shows up!  Your timing could be a little better, but when you’re done here could you stop off at my room down the hall, please?  I know this is a B&B where the guests have to supply their own drapes, but the trash bins could stand to be emptied every now and then, especially since we have no idea when garbage pick-up is around here, if you could be so kind?!  Thanks a bunch.  (Is about to close the door, then addresses the woman again) Love the uniform, by the way.  What’s the era supposed to be, 1920s?

            Maid: (In a hollowed-out voice) 1847.

           Friend 1: (Shrugs) Eh, close.  (Slams the door shut on the way out, tromps down the hall back to the room, and flings self back onto the bed)

            Friend 2: (Still trying to read) Everything work out all right?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, we came to an understanding, they’ll shut up now, plus I got maid service to come over here and clean up this mess – wake me up when she gets here, huh?  (Immediately falls asleep and starts snoring)

            Friend 2: (Tilts head in confusion) But there isn’t any maid service here.

            (The next morning, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll with the crowd on the sort-of boardwalk)

            Friend 2: Weather’s nice – want to go to the beach later?

           Friend 1: (Roughly turning pages in the book) When there’re no lifeguards this time of year – are you mad?

            Friend 2: At least that means it’s free; we could just get our toes wet.

           Friend 1: What need have I for wet toes when I am attempting to locate the hundreds of souls who’ve drowned in these waters?!

            Friend 2: Ew.  Maybe come back at Halloween and they’ll show up then.

         Friend 1: (Stops reading) What difference would the date make?!  Ghosts know naught of calendars in the beyond!

            Friend 2: They might know aught about solar and moon cycles, though.

           Friend 1: I can’t believe we’ve trekked to all the spirit-world hot spots there are here, and not one spectral sighing in the bunch.  And meanwhile, we have to endure an off-season tourist influx of cosplayers surrounding us everywhere we go!

            Friend 2: Cosplayers?

        Friend 1: (Gestures at all the old-fashioned-dressed pedestrians sashaying around them) Behold!  The nerds en masse!  Is there a steampunk convention this weekend and I missed the announcement?!

            Friend 2: (Checks a brochure) No, I just see later today there’s supposed to be a pig roast.

         Friend 1: Barbaric.  (Spots activity up ahead) Ooh, a flogging!  (Trots off, followed in a confused hurry by Friend 2)

            (The next day, they begin the drive back home)

            Friend 1: (In the passenger seat) Well, that weekend was a bust.

            Friend 2: I thought it was very educational and restful.  Thanks for suggesting it; I had a lot of fun!

          Friend 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Gazes out the window back towards the city) All those stories and proper haunting conditions, and not one ghost.  (Watches a whaling ship sail out from the harbor while the car passes by a Victorian family riding high wheel bicycles) Not.  One.  Ghost.

Story 260: There Are Ghosts Everywhere

            (At the Hall of the Prisoners in the Galleria dell’Accademia di Firenze, Italy)

            Servant Ghost 1: Morning.

            Servant Ghost 2: It unfortunately is.  What’s on the cleaning schedule for today?

          Servant Ghost 1: Same as always: busts, impractically large canvases, furniture that’s no longer here, the works.  You can take floors, if you like.

         Servant Ghost 2: (Conjures up a bucket and mop) Thanks.  I’m really tired of doing busts century after century – they only talk about one thing.

           Servant Ghost 1: You mean the mastodon in the room?  (Gestures to the other end of the Hall at Michelangelo’s David in all his glory)

            Servant Ghost 2: None other.  You ever hear them all go on and on about him?

           Servant Ghost 1: Nah, I started tuning them about 200 years ago; it was the only way I could get any work done. (Starts ghost-dusting unseen tables)

          Servant Ghost 2: (Ghost-mops the Hall) Wish I could do that.  All day every day, it’s them going: “Boatloads of cultural masterpieces here, and 99% of the thousands of warm bodies who come in every day just want to see David,” “What’s so great about David?”, “I like the copy by the Uffizi better,” “I hate David,” “Who is David?”, “Shut up, David,” “Could someone please vandalize David?!”, “What is wrong with you, leave David alone!”, “What, now you’re a David-lover, too?!”, “Why does no one ever come to see me?!”, “`Cause you’re a boring old bust and nobody likes you!”, “I can’t even – ”

            Servant Ghost 1: I get it.  (Passes through a tour group milling around unfinished sculptures and hovers in front of David) I haven’t really looked in decades, but the detail is meticulous, I must say.

            David: Why, thank you.

            Servant Ghost 2: Don’t encourage him – you’ll only set off the rest of them again!

            Bust: (From an adjacent room) There goes another David fan!  Traitor!

            Servant Ghost 1: (Shouts to that room) I think I’ll skip your dusting today!

            Bust: (Whimpers) Never mind.

        Servant Ghost 2: Whelp, I’m moving on upstairs.  At least those pieces know they’re appreciated by the visitors who actually bother to go up there.

            Servant Ghost 1: Have fun.  I think I’ll dust You-Know-Who; I haven’t in ages.

Servant Ghost 2: If you must, just don’t be pervy about it.

            David: Oh, my.

            Servant Ghost 1: I am completely professional in my work!  And since we’ve been stuck here for eternity, this does absolutely nothing for me anymore.

            David: Admire my lifelike veins, then; I won’t mind.

           Servant Ghost 1: (Peering closely at an arm) How on Earth did that guy ever manage to do that in marble?!

            David: Oh, you know, only pure genius is all.

            Busts: (Collectively moan) Great, now he’ll really be unbearable!