Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.

Story 540: How to Deal When the Ants Go Marching

            (Belowground)

Lead Scout Ant: (Addressing the colony) My fellows!  At long last, we have found the ultimate source of food and water that we have been searching for these many, many, many days!

Ants: (Waving their antennae in celebration) Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: Abundance and plenty, ours for the taking!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: And all we need do is travel to the surface, and seize everything in sight and scent!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Queen: (Perched on a throne of eggs waiting to hatch) Question: when you say “surface,” do you mean in a natural area or in a human-made area?

Lead Scout Ant: (Less enthusiastic) The second one.

Ants: Hurr – oh.  (Lower antennae)

Queen: Yeah, I can’t sanction such an expedition.

Lead Scout Ant: But food and water galore!

Queen: And when you’re all inevitably caught, you’ll not only get yourselves wiped out but those monsters up above will trick at least one of you into carrying back horrific poison that’ll wipe us all out.  So, no: find another source of abundance and plenty.

Lead Scout Ant: Rest assured, Your Majesty: in my forays, I checked with our eight-legged comrades – from a safe distance – and the general consensus is that this particular surface-dweller is what its species calls a “soft touch” when it comes to sharing space with fellow creatures.

Queen: Yes, well, those comrades are only suffered to remain in order to keep out the rest of us.  There’s a world of difference between “sharing space” and “full-on invasion” that we’ll be bringing on.

Lead Scout Ant: …On the refrigerator door I saw the markings “P-E-T-A” that you told us to look out for.

Queen: Sold.  (Raises front legs in triumph) CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!!!!

Ants: (Waving antennae again) Hurrah!  Hurrah! 

THE NEXT MORNING 

(Aboveground.  Homeowner wakes up slowly, sleepily walks from the bedroom down the hall, enters the kitchen, and freezes in horror)

Homeowner: (Staring at the lines of ants all over the place) Invaded!  I’ve been home invaded!  How did you all even get in??!!  (Tries to hop around the columns on the floors and the random wanderers who do not seem to know where they are going, but accidentally steps on some and sees that others had been trampled during the trip from the bedroom) Sorry – ooh – sorry – seriously though, you all have got – to – go!

Lead Scout Ant: It’s OK: we go into this expecting collateral damage.

(Homeowner reaches the bedroom, grabs a cell phone, and selects a contact)

Friend: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Homeowner: I’m under attack!

Friend: Oh my gosh – why are you calling me; call 911!

Homeowner: I can’t; they won’t come here to deal with ants!

Friend: Oh.  Is that all?

Homeowner: “Is that all?”!  They’re everywhere!

Friend: Leave any food out?

Homeowner: Never!  Well maybe a little –

Friend: No one to blame but yourself, then.

Homeowner: Listen: no one likes to hear “I told you so” on a good day, and right now I am two seconds away from never speaking to you again.

Friend: Fine, fine: what do you want me to do about it, then?

Homeowner: I need the number of that you company you called back when you had the ant problem!

Friend: Oh.  Why not just call an exterminator?  Or set out some bait traps?

Homeowner: You know I’m not a mass murderer!

Friend: Ugh, they’re just ants.

Homeowner: And we’re just apes with airs – at least they’re not killing our shared home as we speak!

Friend: No, they’re just sharing your home, eating your food, and spreading disease as we speak.

Homeowner: Point taken.  We’re never going to agree on these basic fundamentals of life, but your last roommate did and made you call that company that got rid of the ants without massacring them and I need that number now before they decide to breach the perimeter of my bedroom and try their luck here!

Friend: All right, calm down – I think I still have a card somewhere around here.  I remember the whole experience was kind of weird, though –

Homeowner: (Sees several ants hovering in the bedroom doorway) I DON’T CARE!  (Slams the door shut)

Ant 1: (To Ant 2) What was that for?  They all know we just go underneath.

Ant 2: I think the human is feeling a bit defensive right now – we’ll come back later.

Lead Scout Ant: (From the kitchen table) Hey everybody, I just found two whole crumbs under a placemat here!

Ants: SCORE! 

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER 

(There is a knock on the front door; Homeowner sets aside a dustpan and broom and hops over to answer it; Contractor is waiting, casually staring off to the side)

Homeowner: Hi, yes?

Contractor: (Turns to face Homeowner, whipping off sunglasses) You the one with the ant problem?

Homeowner: (Opens the door wider) Yes!  Thank you so much for coming over right away!

Contractor: (Tucks sunglasses into a faux leather jacket pocket, enters the house, and gingerly steps around the ant lines) Sure: we’re extremely specialized, so we’re never busy.  Where’s the source?

Homeowner: Oh, I think it’s these floorboards right outside the bathroom – no idea why, though: there aren’t any exterior windows or doors anywhere near it, but they just keep coming!  (Leads Contractor to that part of the house)

Contractor: (Slowly lowers down to the floor and watches the continual outpouring of the army) Um-hm.  Probably a crack in the foundation – there could be hundreds of thousands of these suckers, just waiting on line for their turn.

Homeowner: (Almost swoons) “Hundreds of thousands”?

Contractor: (Stands) Yep.  You could set poison bait and kill them all excruciatingly slowly, while also exposing yourself to even more chemicals than you’re already getting on a daily basis – BUT, since you called us, you clearly realize there’s a better way for all involved.

Homeowner: Please, anything: I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t even care how long it takes at this point, I just want them out!

Contractor: Very well.  (Reaches into another jacket pocket, pulls out a piece of chalk with a flourish, crouches down to the bathroom door sill, firmly and dramatically draws two thick lines on either side of the gap where the ants are emerging, and stands again, definitively) There.  That oughta do it.

Homeowner: (Looking expectantly at the floor) So now what, you set up your equipment to lure them all to where you marked off and they return from whence they came?

Contractor: No – this is it.

Homeowner: (Blinks at Contractor in disbelief) …What do you mean, “this is it”?!  “This” was nothing!  “This” was chalk!

Contractor: Yeah, no one’s quite sure how it works: it’s either the scent or they don’t like the texture, but either way they don’t want to cross the line.  You’ll still have the ones already out here, but no one else’ll be wanting to come in anytime soon, I guarantee it.

Ant 2,374: (Starts to emerge from the gap, then stops) Ah!  Chalk lines!  Flee!

Ants Below: Flee!

Queen: Figures.

Homeowner: I don’t believe this!  Your company is charging a ton of money, and all you did is draw lines that a child could do?!

Contractor: (Hands the chalk to Homeowner) Here: on the house.

Homeowner: What – ?!

Contractor: Reapply if necessary, but I highly doubt you’ll need to.  It’s quite effective.

Homeowner: It’s chalk!

Contractor: If for some reason a few enterprising souls manage to get through, the old stand-by then is duct tape.

Homeowner: DUCT TAPE!!

Contractor: The old adage that it works for everything is absolutely true, but it’s the more unsightly solution of the two so we usually go with the one that can be cleaned up later.  If they start coming in through the windows or doors though, I’d suggest you switch from chalk to caulk, heh-heh.

Homeowner: I refuse to believe that a massive army of single-minded creatures –

Ants: Hey!

Homeowner: – can be completely thwarted by something so juvenilely simplistic!  This has to be a scam – nothing’s this easy and actually works!

Contractor: (Mildly exasperated) OK: we can get some diatomaceous earth that will cut through their exoskeletons and slowly dry them out so they die of dehydration; you want to do that instead?

Homeowner: Ew, no.  Ew.

Contractor: So: chalk, and/or duct tape.  Spritz some peppermint oil or sprinkle some ground cinnamon if that makes you feel useful, but I’m telling you, the solution really is that simple.

Homeowner: (Stares at the piece of chalk) I guess I still have to pay you the full amount, huh.

Contractor: You know it.  But here, since I’m feeling so generous with my expertise – (Whips out two more pieces of chalk, positions them on either side of the remaining groups of ants, and draws lines that lead from the hallway to the open living room window, including the wall and sill) That should take care of the stragglers.

Lead Scout Ant: (As the remaining ants regroup) Will this madness never end?!  First we’re cut off from the colony, and now we’re being herded outdoors?!

Ant 3: At least it’s fresh air.

Lead Scout Ant: Not the point!

Homeowner: (Had followed Contractor into the living room) And they’ll all troop on out of here, just like that?

Contractor: I think you know the answer to that.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) I’ll e-mail you the final bill.  (Heads to the front door, opens it, then turns back) Oh, and don’t forget: you signed the non-disclosure agreement before I got here, so no revealing company secrets or we sue.  And free piece of advice: clean up after yourself when you eat – I could make a meal out of all the crumbs I’m seeing around here.  (Slaps the sunglasses back on) PEACE!  (Leaves)

Homeowner: (To the chalk) I was wondering why I had to sign a legal document for something so trivial. 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Homeowner is napping on the living room couch when the cell phone rings)

Homeowner: (Groggily sees that Friend is calling) Howdy.

Friend: (Voice) So, how’s the infestation?

Homeowner: (Sighs wearily) Over, thank goodness.  I finally finished scrubbing the floors and washing everything in the kitchen; if nothing else, this place hasn’t been so clean in years.

Friend: I’ll bet.  They make you sign the NDA?

Homeowner: (Sits up, more alert) Yes!  I’m assuming that’s why you didn’t just tell me how to take care of all this!

Friend: Got it in one: even though my roommate is the one who called them, I had to sign it too since I live there.

Homeowner: But how would they ever have known that you’d told me what to do?!

Friend: Hey: I’m not a liar.

Homeowner: Whatever.  I’m just trying to ignore that I had to spend an unspeakable amount of money on something that turns out I could’ve found myself through an Internet search.

Friend: Really?  Huh – for once I didn’t think of doing that first.

Homeowner: Me neither: the panic kept us from thinking clearly.

Lead Scout Ant: (Bringing up the rear of the ants leaving through the window, turns to shake a leg angrily at Homeowner) You may have won this round, but we’ll be back!  We’ll find our colony again, and swarm you like you’ve never been swarmed before, and victory will be ours, ahahahahaha – !

Homeowner: Hang on a sec: got a few remnants here.  (Grabs the chalk, walks over to the windowsill, and draws a line behind the exiting ants)

Lead Scout Ant: Curses!  (Flees with the others through the screen to the outdoors)

Homeowner: (Settles back onto the couch and tosses away the chalk) There – hopefully, that is that.

Friend: Well, if nothing else, I’m sure you feel satisfied knowing that you didn’t kill off thousands of critters in a torturous way or whatever you go on about.

Homeowner: I do, yes.  My credit card will have to be consoled with that fact, too.