Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!

Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 565: Raking the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves

 SUNDAY MORNING

           (Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)

Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?

Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?

Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!

Homeowner 2: All right, have fun.  Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please?  I don’t want a repeat of last year.

Homeowner 1: Consider it done!  (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle.  (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!

Tree 1: <Buffoon.  Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>

Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>

Tree 1: <I suppose not.>

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!

Tree 1: <They certainly are entertaining, though.>

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope!  Thanks, but I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: All right, then.  (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat.  (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).

(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)

Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you!  (Resumes raking)

Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?

Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead!  (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!

Kid 3: Awesome!

(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)

Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE!  [WHOMP]

Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the cool neighbor.  (Doubles the raking speed)

SUNDAY EVENING

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?

Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.

Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding?  This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there!  (Resumes raking)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>

Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.

Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!

Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.

Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night.  (Closes the front door)

Homeowner 1: (Intensely focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….

SATURDAY MORNING

(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)

Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing.  My goodness.

(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)

Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here!  (Rakes uninterrupted)

Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene.  (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?

Homeowner 2: Sure.  Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.

Reporter: Thank you.  Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?

Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore!  I want my lawn back!  (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!!  (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?!  Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!

Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable.  And your concerns for The Raker?

Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it!  I’m moving!  (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)

Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession?  You decide.  (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source.  (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me!  (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?

Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!

Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed.  Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.

Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 563: Post-Halloween Letdown

            (In line outside a building)

Friend 1: <Sigh> (Side-eyes Friend 2, who is studiously ignoring the former) <Siiiiiigggghhhh>…. <SIIIIIIGGGHHHH>

Friend 2: (Finally turns to Friend 1) Is this your passive-aggressive way of getting me to ask “What’s wrong?”

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Thought so.  (Goes back to staring at traffic passing by)

Friend 1: You’re no fun – I can’t just complain without any prompting.

Friend 2: Never stopped you before.

Friend 1: True, but I’m trying to give you some semblance of conversational control.

Friend 2: How thoughtful.

Friend 1: …Well?         

Friend 2: (Slowly turns back to Friend 1 with an exasperated look) Oh no, whatever is the matter?  Please rant about it for 10 minutes with ultimately no resolution.

Friend 1: There’s no need for sarcasm.

Friend 2: Sure there is.  So, spit it out – what’s wrong?

Friend 1: Oh, I don’t know –

Friend 2: Ugh.

Friend 1: No-no, that was just my introduction; ahem: Oh, I don’t know, I guess the whole post-Halloween letdown is getting to me, that’s all.

Friend 2: (Slowly blinks) What.

Friend 1: You know how it is: you gear up all October for Halloween, trying to get in the spirit of things, decorate indoors and out, dress up, watch scary movies, go to scary farms, eat all the candy, and then November 1 hits and BAM!

Friend 2: All Saints’ Day?

Friend 1: No!

Friend 2: Día de los Muertos?

Friend 1: No – wait, I actually should start celebrating that one, it looks pretty cool.

Friend 2: It’s a cultural celebration of people’s ancestors and you’d have no point of reference or understanding of its significance to truly appreciate it.

Friend 1: Food’s pretty good though, right?

Friend 2: Whatever: November 1 hits and what?

Friend 1: Oh, right: November 1, and all the fun’s over.  The decorations are now pitiful remnants of good times, the costumes get tucked away to be forgotten for another year, the scary farms are regular old farms again, the movies and the candy are good year-round but just don’t hit the same off-season – in short: blah.

Friend 2: We got Thanksgiving coming up before you know it.

Friend 1: Nobody cares about Thanksgiving!

Friend 2: Rude.

Friend 1: You know what I mean: pre-Halloween build-up is fun excitement, and post-Halloween is dreary letdown.  I also didn’t get to do much this year, no trick-or-treaters stopped by even to toilet paper my apartment building, and I went through all the Frankenstein movies for the first time ever with more of an appreciation for 30s and 40s filmmaking than actually being scared.

Friend 2: Wait, how many Frankenstein movies were there?  I thought it was just the one.

Friend 1: (Scoffs) Amateur: (Counts on fingers) not counting remakes, there’s also Bride of, Son of, Ghost of, House of –

Friend 2: OK, forget I asked.

Friend 1: I will.

Friend 2: So, if you’re all bummed out that Halloween’s over, maybe keep up the decorations for a few more weeks and dress like a zombie or a clown when you go to work or something.

Friend 1: (Stares off into the middle distance) I already tried all that.  The thrill is gone, and I got written up.

Friend 2: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re upset with the onward passage of time, again: hold on for another 11 months and I’m certain the thrill will return once more.

Friend 1: That’s all I have to look forward to, I suppose.  (They both advance one spot in the line) Spending a lovely Saturday morning on a never-ending queue sure isn’t helping my mood.

Friend 2: I’ll say.  So much for early voting – by the time we get to the head of the line, it’ll be Election Day.

Story 562: "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience” Was Not What I Thought It Would Be

 OCTOBER 26

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the hallway door)

Sibling 1: (Trotting to answer the door in excitement) Ooh, here it is, here it is – !  (Unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Sibling 2) Oh.  It’s just you.

Sibling 2: Who else would it be?

Sibling 1: I’m actually expecting a very important package that should delivered at any moment.

Sibling 2: Ah.  More – (Air quotes) “vintage collectible vehicles” that are really toy cars?

Sibling 1: (Embarrassed defiance) Yes.

Sibling 2: You know nobody hand delivers packages anymore; they just leave it on the ground and run for their lives, in some cases literally.

Sibling 1: Maybe not if they knew it was vintage.

Sibling 2: Whatever: can I come in now or what?

Sibling 1: Oh, sorry.  (Stands aside to let in Sibling 2, then closes and locks the door behind them) Got carried away with the conversation there.

Sibling 2: I hear ya.

(They go into the living room and flop onto opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 1: Oh, where are my manners?  (Very formally) Would you like something to drink?

Sibling 2: No thank you, Host; I just came over to give you this.  (Hands Sibling 1 an envelope)

Sibling 1: Money?

Sibling 2: Better.

Sibling 1: Crypto?

Sibling 2: That’s not better.

Sibling 1: A star in the heavens?

Sibling 2: Would you stop guessing and just open it?!

Sibling 1: Okey-dokey.  (Opens the envelope and reads the form inside, then gasps in excited shock) You got us tickets to stay at the Winchester Mystery House® on Halloween night?!

Sibling 2: Well, sort of.

Sibling 1: This is amazing!  I can’t believe you were even able to get these, and are paying for us to fly all the way to San Jose to do it!

Sibling 2: Um, first of all: I never would pay for your plane ticket; and secondly: this isn’t in San Jose.

Sibling 1: But that’s where the house is.  (Gasps again) Did the ghosts relocate it?!

Sibling 2: No, this is a semi-replica of the house that someone did locally.  I saw it online and it caught my eye; since I don’t know when we’d ever get a chance the see the real one and the price was decent, I figured “Why not?”  It’s probably an unlicensed knock-off, but I’ll send a donation to the actual house or some nonprofit and call it even.

Sibling 1: (Reading more from the form) “Overnight stay… self-guided tour… guaranteed ghost sightings….” (To Sibling 2) This all sounds great!

Sibling 2: You sure?  I know it’s basically a cheap imitation of the actual estate and it’s nowhere near as big, but the photos and descriptions seemed to have the highlights, and reviews weren’t too bad.  It’s also not too well-known so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves and not have to deal with unpredictable fellow customers.

Sibling 1: Hey, as long as it’s got the staircases and doors to nowhere, it’ll more than meet my expectations.  (Briefly hugs Sibling 2) Thank you so much, this is the best gift ever, and it’s not even my birthday!

Sibling 2: Aw, you’re welcome, kiddo.  It beats having to deal with trick-or-treaters that night.

Sibling 1: Especially since I never got around to buying any candy for them.

 HALLOWEEN

          (Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drive up to a sprawling mansion as dusk gathers and an occasional wind carries the sound of hammering with it; a sign planted in front of the building reads “The Winchester Mystery House® Experience – Enter If You Dare!”)

Sibling 1: (As both exit the car carrying overnight bags and lean back to look up at the mansion) This is so cool – I mean, it’s definitely much smaller, but they even got the inconsistent architecture right.  (Points to an upper wing in glee) Ooh, ooh, I think that’s one of the doors to nowhere!

Sibling 2: I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough when we fall out of it – come on.

(They walk up to the front door and Sibling 2 takes out a piece of paper with a code to enter on the electronic lock; once unlocked, they enter the large, dark, and echoing house and drop their bags by the front door)

Sibling 1: (Cups hands around mouth) Helllllllloooooooo?????

Sibling 2: (Locks the door behind them) There’d better not be anyone else here.

Sibling 1: Just trying to let the ghosts know we’ve arrived; it’s good manners.

Sibling 2: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but aside from me not believing in them to begin with, the whole ghost part of this experience is a tad exploitative of the family’s tragedy, doncha think?

Sibling 1: Then why’d you get us tickets to come here in the first place?

Sibling 2: Because you always wanted to go, and this one’s not even the real house so the only ghosts we’ll be seeing will be animatronic, optical, plastic, or some combination of those, with a few pre-recorded howls and screams tossed in for good measure.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I was kinda hoping to see Sarah Winchester.

Sibling 2: That’s ghoulish – let her rest in peace, and unless she and any other spirits actually did remain on this mortal plane and decided to travel cross-country, you’ll have to settle for your nowhere stairs or whatever they are.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yes, thanks for reminding me, I wanna see those right away!  (Starts to run for the main staircase and is grabbed by the shirt collar and yanked back by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: Just a second – we need some lights in here, and it seems our hosts have left us instructions. 

(At a small table near the entrance, there are two electric candles, a stack of papers, a map, a ring of keys, and two handheld cassette tape players)

Sibling 2: (Turns on the candles, hands one to Sibling 1, and uses the other to locate a light switch on the walls but finds none) Great, I guess it’s batteries, flames, or nothing.

Sibling 1: (Holds the candle underneath the chin to cast an eerie light) The original house had electricity and even indoor plumbing, but we get the old-timey experience, wooooooo!

Sibling 2: Did the original house also have an electronic lock on the front door?

Sibling 1: (Lowers the candle) Perhaps they could’ve at least sprung for solar-powered lights, then.

Sibling 2: Yeah.  (Hands the map and a cassette player to Sibling 1 and starts to read the papers) “Welcome, Guests, to ‘The Winchester Mystery House® Experience’!  This is a parody; any resemblance to the actual Winchester Mystery House® is not intentional”…?  (Frowns in confusion)

Sibling 1: (Playing with the cassette tape) Skip all that and get to the good stuff!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head to clear it and skips ahead) Yadda, yadda, yadda; blah, blah, blah – OK, here we go: “The map is your guide, so keep it with you always – ” (Widens eyes and speaks in a spooky voice to Sibling 1) “or you may become lost in the house – FOREVER!”

Sibling 1: (Giggles) So exciting.

Sibling 2: (Smiles and reads more) “You may roam where you wish, but beware the North-Northwest Wing – ” ooh, must be good – “ and watch your step, for who knows where the many rooms and halls and stairs of the house may take you!”

Sibling 1: (Bounces up and down slightly) Oh my gosh, this is almost too much!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah – “For your own safety and for liability purposes, please obey any signage you may see as covered in the waiver you signed – ” Skip!  (Flips through several pages) “Dinner and breakfast are in the icebox in the kitchen; if there is an emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately – ”

Sibling 1: (Weaving the candle through the air to make figure eights of the afterglow) Bo-ring!

Sibling 2: OK, you’ll like this part: “Don’t disturb the ghosts, but they may disturb you!”  Mwahahaha!

Sibling 1: (Stops weaving the candle) Cool.

Sibling 2: “Enjoy your stay, and please leave a review on www. – ” (Tosses the papers back onto the table) I think that covers everything; wanna go explore now?

Sibling 1: YES!  (Grabs the key ring and checks the map) Let’s go upstairs and work our way down!  (Runs up the main staircase)

Sibling 2: (Grabs the other cassette player and follows at a slower pace) Fine by me.

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 make their way up to the multi-leveled third floor and check the map again; the sound of hammering has gotten louder)

Sibling 1: That’s weird: it doesn’t say where the North-Northwest Wing is.

Sibling 2: Probably because we’re not supposed to go there.

Sibling 1: No, they just said to beware of it, which is a clear invitation to go there first.

Sibling 2: Hm.  Maybe the audio tour’ll help.  (Presses “Play” on the cassette player)

Voice on Tape: Welcome to "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience.”  In 1884, Sarah Winchester –

Sibling 2: (Presses “Stop”) Well that’ll take forever – there isn’t even a way to fast-forward to specific sections of the house if you’re just wandering around.

Sibling 1: Guess we’d have to tour the house in the order they recorded this; maybe I’ll listen to it tomorrow.

Sibling 2: Check-out’s at 10 a.m.

Sibling 1: Wow.  For something that doesn’t get a lot of visitors, they certainly don’t waste any time shooing us out.  So!  (Holds up the map) North-Northwest Wing, North-Northwest Wing… is it our west or actual west?

Sibling 2: I’m guessing our west, since we’re going to it from inside the house.

Sibling 1: Huh, maybe…. (Passes by a window and sees a construction worker hammering on the roof of a nearby wing) Whoa, how authentic!

Sibling 2: (Peers out the window next to Sibling 1) What, that they’re running tours out of place that’s half-built?  Sounds about right.

Sibling 1: No-no-no, I mean this is part of the whole Winchester House’s history: Sarah Winchester kept having rooms built all the time, day and night, to appease the spirits of the victims of the Winchester rifles.  That’s what she spent the family fortune on: a never-ending quest for peace.

Sibling 2: Mm.  Yeah, 24/7 construction sounds like a nightmare.

Sibling 1: (Opening the window) Lemme ask –

Sibling 2: (Trying to stop the window from opening) Aw, leave ‘em alone –

Sibling 1: (To Construction Worker 1) Good sir!  (Construction Worker 1 stops hammering and looks up at Sibling 1) Would you be so kind as to direct us to the North-Northwest Wing?

Construction Worker 1: (Points to another wing) It be that way, but beware –

Sibling 2: (While closing the window) Oh, we’ll be waring our hearts out all over this place, thank-you!  (To Sibling 1) Let’s go and stop bothering the employees, OK?

Sibling 1: I’m sure they just love to help souls in need.

Sibling 2: I bet they do.

Sibling 1: (As they start walking where they were directed) Fantastic: even the clothes were 1800s-style....

(They tread carefully through the darkening house as the sun sets and night descends; a hallway turns to a staircase that ends abruptly at the ceiling when they climb it)

Sibling 1: Yes!  One of the staircases that lead to nowhere, at last!

Sibling 2: Neat.  We probably should go back down then, huh?

Sibling 1: Yeah – we’ll have to stop by here again in the morning though; I can barely see anything with this candle.

Sibling 2: Right.  (Takes out a cell phone, turns on the flashlight feature, and hands it to Sibling 1) Here.

Sibling 1: Thanks, but won’t it drain your battery?

Sibling 2: It will, but I really don’t want to go back outside tonight to get the flashlight from the car, and we can use your phone if we have to.

Sibling 1: (Taps forehead with the phone) Always thinking.

(They eventually arrive at the North-Northwest Wing, which starts with a long corridor)

Sibling 1: Oooooohhhhhh, even the hallway looks haunted.  (Creaking sounds are heard overhead; Sibling 1 ducks slightly) What was that?!  Are the ghosts afoot?!

Sibling 2: My guess is rats are afeet – wanna start actually exploring some of the rooms?

Sibling 1: Oh!  Yeah, I got so thrown off with finding this section that I almost forgot that part.  (Holds the key ring up to the light, flicks through the keys, and reads the labels) “Guest Room 1” – “Guest Room 2” – “Guest Bathroom” – “East Wing Library” –

Sibling 2: Allow me.  (Grabs the key ring and goes through the keys faster as Sibling 2 holds up the light, then groups together several of the keys) Here we go: North-Northwest Wing Rooms.  One says “Music Room”, so that sounds promising.

Sibling 1: (Holds that key as Sibling 2 hands over the ring) A ghostly Beethoven, playing an afterlife sonata.

Sibling 2: Sure.

(They walk down the corridor slowly, hearing noises as they get closer to the door labelled “Music Room”)

Sibling 1: (Whispering) I think the ghosts are inside!

Sibling 2: (Also whispering) OK, just take a deep breath and try not to faint, please – I don’t want to have to carry you four-and-a-half floors back downstairs.

(As they approach the door, muffled voices are heard, along with a single piano note)

Sibling 1: (Still whispering) This is it!  Ghostly music!

Sibling 2: (Still whispering) Great, great, so open the door – (Mutters) let’s see what I paid for.

(Sibling 1 slowly puts the key into the lock, slowly turns it, and puts one hand on the doorknob)

Sibling 1: (Mouths) 1 – 2 – 3!

(Sibling 1 shoves the door open to reveal several construction workers lounging about in comfy chairs and at a grand piano)

Sibling 2: …Hi.

Construction Worker 2: Hello.

Sibling 1: Is… this the Music Room?

Construction Worker 2: `Twill be once we’re done building it.  (Gestures to the partially finished walls) Then, `twill be demolished and built anew, like all the others.

Construction Workers: (Sadly) Aye.

Construction Worker 2: For now though, we use it as a break room.  (Holds out glasses to Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Sherry?

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1 as the latter reaches for a glass) No thank you, so sorry to have disturbed you, please enjoy your break, and… keep up the good work!  (They close and lock the door behind them)

Construction Worker 2: (Sighs) Oh, we will.  Forever.

Construction Workers: Aye.  (Piano note)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 run back down the corridor and out of the North-Northwest Wing, stopping at a staircase to a lower level)

Sibling 2: I didn’t realize there’d be a whole bunch of people actually working while we were staying here!  And taking breaks wherever!  We were supposed to have the place to ourselves!

Sibling 1: I told you, it’s part of the authenticity!

Sibling 2: Yeah, but where else are they gonna be working, in the bathrooms?  (Gasps) In the bedrooms?!

Sibling 1: We’ll find out!  In the meantime, I’m hungry – let’s have dinner.

Sibling 2: Yeah, good idea.

(They use the map to go back downstairs to the first floor and find the kitchen, opening the door to reveal several construction workers building a rack to hold pots in the middle of the room)

Sibling 2: Oh great – I mean, good evening.

Construction Workers: (Briefly pausing) Good evening.

Construction Worker 3: Looking for the ice box?

Sibling 2: Yes please.

Construction Worker 3: (Gestures with a hammer to the far wall) Over there – mind your step.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

(Both tiptoe around construction workers and tools, grab packaged dinners out of the ice box, and begin to exit through another door to the dining room)

Construction Worker 3: (Pops up from the project) Oh, beware –

Sibling 1: (Turns around eagerly) YES?!

Construction Worker 3: A crew is rebuilding the table and chairs in there right now, so `twill be tricky when you sit for your meal.

Sibling 2: (Pushes open the door slightly to reveal hammering, sawing, and sanding; allows the door to close again) We’ll take these upstairs, thank you.

Construction Worker 3: Suit yourselves.  (Returns to levelling the rack)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 grab their overnight bags near the front door and use the map to find the Guest Rooms; in that corridor, they gingerly step around more construction and workers spread throughout, the activity and noise increasing in volume the closer they get to the rooms.  At the one labelled “Guest Room 1”, they use the matching key to enter and then close and lock the door behind them)

Sibling 2: (As they drop their bags to the floor and set up the dinners on the bed) Well, at least it’s slightly quieter in here.

Sibling 1: Hm – you think they’ll work all night long, like the real ones did?

Sibling 2: I certainly hope not; I’d like to get some sleep to-

(A loud MOAN is heard from behind the closed closet door; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 hug each other in terror)

Sibling 1: (Whispering frantically) What was that?!  Is that the ghost?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Sibling 2: (Releases Sibling 1 and shakes head in irritation) No – (Another MOAN is heard and Sibling 2 jumps in shock) ahem – no, but I’m sure gonna find out what it is.

Sibling 1: (Hands the cell phone light to Sibling 2) Be careful!  Don’t let the ghost possess your body and terrorize the living!

Sibling 2: There’s no such thing as – never mind.

(Another MOAN is heard; Sibling 2 braces for impact, then flings open the closet door)

Construction Worker 4: (Turns around from working on an exposed pipe in the back wall) Oh, hello.

Sibling 2: OK: get out.

Construction Worker 4: But I was told to get this done tonight.

Sibling 2: It can wait 15 hours – (Points to the hall door) begone.

Construction Worker 4: (Gathers tools and starts to leave as Sibling 2 unlocks the door) The missus will not be pleased to hear of this.

Sibling 2: Then give me her number, I’ll tell her myself!

Construction Worker 4: (Stops in confusion) What number?

Sibling 2: OUT!  (Relocks the door after Construction Worker 4 leaves in a hurry; there are agitated voices in the corridor, and then the hammering, sawing, and sanding increase in volume even more; Sibling 2 collapses onto the bed and stares at the continually creaking ceiling) Mind if I bunk with you tonight?  I really don’t want to go back out into that hallway while they’re still… working.

Sibling 1: Sure!  It’ll be fun, and we can tell each other Halloween scary stories all night long!

Sibling 2: (Smiles softly) Yeah, it’ll be fun.

Sibling 1: (Starts eating the prepared dinner) Just one question: didn’t you pay for two rooms?

Sibling 2: Right now, I’d pay for everybody to leave.

NOVEMBER 1

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 exit the front door with their overnight bags, resetting the electronic lock while construction workers regularly pass by with different-sized ladders)

Sibling 1: (As they walk around gardeners on their way to the car) Well, I had a great time!

Sibling 2: Glad one of us did.  My review of this place will be a bit harsh, so you may want to help me temper the wording before I submit it.

Sibling 1: Of course!  I just think it was awesome we finally got to explore almost-the-real-house, and we saw so many ghosts here!

Sibling 2: (Freezes, then laughs) Wait, you don’t think all these – (Waves a hand at the construction workers busily remodeling and replanting around the house) are actually ghosts, right?  They’re just contractors.  Probably illegally overworked, for all they annoyed me.

Sibling 1: No, they’re the ghosts – see?  (Holds out the papers that had been on the front table) “All noncorporeal entities that you witness are on technically unauthorized ‘loan’ from the Winchester Mystery House®, in order to heighten the experience – they will vanish upon guests’ check-out.”

Sibling 2: (Takes the papers and reads them, then snorts in disbelief) Yeah, and if you believe that – (Suddenly looks up as all construction sounds cease; no construction worker is in sight, anywhere) What...?  Where…?  Who…?

Sibling 1: (Checks watch) 10:00, on the dot!  (Slaps Sibling 2 on the shoulder) This was the best Halloween ever – thanks!  (Gets into the car’s passenger seat)

Sibling 2: (Still staring at the now-empty house) …Does it count as a haunting if I didn’t realize it was happening at the time?