Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 581: Covering Up Your Celebrity Crush

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit at a café table with their hot drinks and sugary snacks)

Friend 1: (After a gulp of still-too-hot tea) I can’t believe I missed St. Patrick’s Day this year.

Friend 2: (Takes the time to bite into a muffin and enjoy it before answering) Why?  It’s not like you ever go to any of the parades or excessively drink liquor or eat all the corned beef.

Friend 1: I know, but I forgot to get Irish soda bread and now none’ll be in stores for another 360 days, and I miss it.

Friend 2: You could always make it yourself.

(They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into hysterical laughter)

Friend 1: (Wipes away tears) Ho-ho, that was a good one.

Friend 2: Yeah, sometimes I even crack myself up.  (Briefly checks a cell phone alert) Oh, I see I almost forgot, but my daily movie rewards membership notice made sure to remind me: that film you really want to see is coming out next week, so if you like I’ll get us tickets over the weekend and we can go Tuesday night around 7 or something.

Friend 1: (In mid-bite, confused) What movie I really want to see?

Friend 2: When Stars and Spaceships Collide.  It’s finally coming out this weekend, after getting delayed for a year with the strikes and the director holding the final cut for ransom and all that.

Friend 1: (Finishes the bite) Oh, that movie.  (Shrugs overly casually) Yeah, it sounded interesting but what makes you think I really want to see it?

Friend 2: Well, maybe not so much want to see it as want to see lead actor Chad Burlyman.  (Friend 1 stares back) Your celebrity crush.

Friend 1: (Starts gobbling more of the snack and talks through a full mouth) Yeah, OK: I do not have a celebrity crush.

Friend 2: Right – you have several, and he’s one of them.

Friend 1: (Gulps down the snack and almost chokes) Listen: I had celebrity crushes in grade school, but I have since matured, and now I respect people strictly for their talent and hard work.

Friend 2: And you think he’s cute.

Friend 1: Ugh, “cute” is such a juvenile term.  Babies are cute; this is a full-grown man.

Friend 2: OK, so you think he’s hot.

Friend 1: What, is he on fire?

Friend 2: Fine, you think he’s a stud muffin.

Friend 1: Ew, way to dehumanize a fellow human based on their appearance!  (Friend 2 raises a skeptical eyebrow) Yes, I think he’s handsome, and I admire all the work he clearly puts into those strong-yet-not-intimidating muscles, but that’s all.  (Downs the rest of the tea, burning both mouth and esophagus) Ouch.

Friend 2: So you like him.

Friend 1: Again, that’s extremely grade school, and undervalues his worth as a member of the human race.  Besides, how can I like him; I don’t even know him!  From what little I’ve read in interviews, he seems like a basically decent guy who’s close with his family and works with animal rescue organizations and had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the grades for it so fell into acting instead and likes parasailing and snowboarding, that’s it.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: I mean, the whole idea of liking someone you’ve never met is ridiculous anyway: you know all about them, they don’t even know you’re alive; a bit one-sided, don’t you think?

Friend 2: (Finishes cooler drink and nods) Yep: it’s called a parasocial relationship.

Friend 1: Exactly!  Psychosocial non-relationship.

Friend 2: Parasocial.

Friend 1: Same difference.

Friend 2: Whatever.  I know you’re not a creepy stalker so it’s all right if you have a harmless crush on the guy.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if he knew; he’s probably used it and maybe even secretly craves the adoration.

Friend 1: I do not have a crush!  (Customers at other tables momentarily turn to stare at the two; Friend 1 winces and ducks partially under the table, then hisses at Friend 2) I-just-think-he’s-a-good-actor-and-happen-to-like-every-movie-I’ve-seen-him-in-OK?!

Friend 2: Hey, it’s fine to go to a movie just to see one person – we’ve all done it.  Remember that year I had to rent the entire back catalog of ----- --------s movies because I was so in luuuuuuv with him?

Friend 1: (Sitting back up straight) Oh yeah – I think the video store almost banned you for that stunt.

Friend 2: That they almost did.  Totally worth it, though.

Friend 1: Well, you were still a teenager back then, and I’m not “in luuuuuuv” with Chad Burlyman – I haven’t even seen all his movies and TV shows and voiceover roles, so there!

Friend 2: You dragged me to see him do Hamlet when it was playing around here, and you hate Shakespeare.

Friend 1: And like I told you then, it was a once-in-a-lifetime cultural experience we would have regretted forever if we’d missed it!

Friend 2: Sure.  I didn’t bring it up at the time, but I just had to now since it’s fun watching you double down on your denial.

Friend 1: (Daintily wipes mouth with a napkin, crumbles it up, and throws it onto the table) This has become tiresome.  I will not continue defending myself against erroneous charges that I feel affection for a famous stranger more than is proper and/or healthy.            

Friend 2: Fine – guess we’re skipping the movie then, if you don’t really care.

Friend 1: …Now, hold on: when did I ever say that?

Friend 2: Well, if you don’t like this guy as much as you claim you don’t, then it won’t bother you to skip the movie.

Friend 1: But – but – maybe I want to see the movie regardless who’s in it, hm?

Friend 2: You told me all the reviews said it was unimaginably awful and should never have been made in the first place!

Friend 1: Yes, well, I prefer to make up my own mind instead of following the sheeple, I-thank-you!  And actually, it sounds like you’re the one who doesn’t want to see the movie, so maybe you should skip it, ha!

Friend 2: No way – I never miss a Chad Burlyman film, he’s the absolute cutest.

Story 580: Constantly Cancelled Haircut

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey, come on in!

Sibling 2: (Enters and closes the door) Thanks, but we gotta go soon.

Sibling 1: (Running around grabbing things off of furniture) Sure-sure, just grabbing my keys, and my wallet, and my phone, and the tickets, and a snack, and –

Sibling 2: (Still standing by the door) And this is why I got here 15 minutes earlier than I really needed to.

Sibling 1: Exactly!  (Skids to a stop in front of Sibling 2 while shoving items into pants pockets) You do something different with your hair?

Sibling 2: Hm?  Oh – (Runs a hand self-consciously over the back of the head) yeah, I let it go longer between haircuts this winter – wasn’t paying attention – but I have an appointment to chop it off next Thursday.

Sibling 1: OK.  (Shrugs)  Looks good this way, though.  (Starts running around grabbing things again)

Sibling 2: Really?  (Leans over to look in a wall mirror and fusses with the hair a bit) I figured it looked all shaggy and messy by now.

Sibling 1: (Yelling from the bedroom) Nah, it looks relaxed and natural – besides, shaggy and messy are in!

Sibling 2: (Looks away from the mirror) They are?

Sibling 1: (Hopping up the hallway while tugging on shoes) I have no idea, but it sounds good, right?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) Thanks for the effort, but it’s trickling down the back of my neck and getting annoying so I’m still chopping it off next week.

Sibling 1: (Pulling on a coat) All righty – you gonna donate any of it?

Sibling 2: (Stares at Sibling 1 in disbelief) It’s not that long!  And besides, I doubt anyone’d want it with all the grays streaked through that are increasing by the hour.

Sibling 1: Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down.

Sibling 2: I’ll save it for you, then.  (The two stand there for a few moments) So, you ready now or what?

Sibling 1: Yep – off we go!  (Sibling 2 turns to open the door)  Ooh, wait, the tickets!  (Runs back to the bedroom)

Sibling 2: (Sighs, crosses arms, and leans back against the door) I’ll wait!  (Mutters) I can feel more grays coming out in the past five minutes alone.

NEXT THURSDAY

(In an office, Sibling 2 is working in a cubicle)

Sibling 2: (Typing) “…and that… is why… Casual Friday is a must….”

Coworker: (Stopping by) Hey, you going to the budget meeting coming up soon?

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face Coworker) No, I begged off that one – I have nothing to contribute except my snores.

Coworker: Heh-heh, lucky.  By the way, you growing out your hair or something?

Sibling 2: (Starts to reach up to run a hand self-consciously over the back of the head, but stops and yanks hand back down) No, I just let it go for a bit longer than usual – getting it cut tonight, actually.

Coworker: Heh, I was gonna say: “Get a haircut, hippie!”, ahahahahahaha!  (Laughs very loudly while leaving)

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face the computer; softly) Heh, heh, heh, ya weirdo.  (Types for a few moments before the cell phone rings; Sibling 2 checks the caller ID, frowns slightly, and answers) Hello?

Voice: Hi, this is the ---- ----, calling to let you know that we had a gas leak this afternoon and have to shut down for the next few days, so we unfortunately have to reschedule your appointment tonight.

Sibling 2: Oh yeah, of course – is everyone there all right?

Voice: Oh yes, we’re all fine, thank you: no explosions, so that’s always a plus.  (Sibling 2 double-takes) Does same time next Thursday work for you?

Sibling 2: Umm, let me check…. (Checks a calendar on the phone) That day’s out for me; is the following Saturday morning open?

Voice: …Yes, I can put you in for 10:00.

Sibling 2: Perfect, thanks!  And, good luck with the leak and all that.

Voice: Thank you – we’ll need it.

Sibling 2: What?  (Call ends; Sibling 2 puts away the phone, then briefly runs fingers through longer hair) Just another week won’t do much, right?

NEXT SATURDAY

Voice: (From the speaker of Sibling 2’s cell phone) Hello, this is the ---- ----, how may I help you?

Sibling 2: (Sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning exhaustedly against the toilet, and speaking hoarsely in the general direction of the cell phone on the floor nearby) Hi, I had a 10:00 appointment today –

Voice: “Had”?!

Sibling 2: Yeah, and either I ate poison last night or someone evil at work is spreading the stomach bug undercover, but whatever it was woke me up at 5 a.m. and hasn’t let me be since.

Voice: Yes, well, don’t come in here, then!

Sibling 2: …That’s why I’m calling.

Voice: Of course.

Sibling 2: (Tries to re-tie hair back with a rubber band but the shorter strands keep slipping out) Can we reschedule for next Saturday, please?

Voice: Let’s see… no, unfortunately that’s all booked.  Can you do another weeknight?

Sibling 2: (Rubs eyes and scrunches face in thought) Uh, yeah, how about Wednesday?  I should be all clear of this by then.

Voice: …Yes!  I can put you in for 5:30.

Sibling 2: (Gets a panicked look) Yeah-that’s-great-thanks-bye!  (Tries and misses hitting the hang-up button on the phone right before stomach bug loudly returns)

Voice: …Bye.  Gross.  (Calls ends)

NEXT MONTH

(At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey!  Everything all right?

Sibling 2: (Wearing a bulging baseball cap) No.  Can I come in?

Sibling 1: Of course!  (Lets in Sibling 2 and shuts the door) What’s wrong?

Sibling 2: (As they both walk into the living room) Sorry to drop in like this, but it felt ridiculous to say over the phone, and I’ve been driving all around and don’t know who else to go to who wouldn’t laugh in my face when they heard the story, and this has gone on so long that I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!

Sibling 1: All right, calm down; you’re starting to sound hysterical, and I’m the only one of us allowed to do that.

Sibling 2: I know!  (Collapses onto the couch and covers face with hands)

Sibling 1: (Sits next to Sibling 2) Sooooooo – what’s the matter?

Sibling 2: (Uncovers face) You remember how I was supposed to get my hair cut over a month ago, and it was starting to get long then?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah – we really haven’t seen each since then?  Wow.

Sibling 2: Yeah, sorry about that; time passing me by clearly has become a bad habit with me lately.

Sibling 1: Eh, I forgot about you for a while, too.

Sibling 2: Anyway, the place had a gas leak, and then I had a stomach bug, and then the staff went on strike, and then we had that freak blizzard, and then I had to go to that wake, and then the staff went on strike again, and then –

Sibling 1: Whoa, whoa, wait; are you saying you still haven’t gotten your hair cut in all that time?!

(Sibling 2 looks embarrassedly at Sibling 1, then takes off the cap; long silvery tresses tumble out)

Sibling 1: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sibling 2 glares) Sorry – I know I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t laugh in your face; I just didn’t expect such… flowing locks.  (Gently pets the mane) It’s really soft.

Sibling 2: (Shakes off Sibling 1) Knock it off!  This has gotten so out of control, and appointments keep getting cancelled over and over and over, and every day there’s more hair, hair, everywhere, I almost wanna cry!

Sibling 1: OK, well, I’m sure another hair salon or barber shop can take care of it – just find a walk-in one and wait.

Sibling 2: I tried!  None of the ones around here take walk-ins; they’re appointment-only!  I feel like I’m cursed by inconvenient scheduling!

Sibling 1: Really?  Not one?  That’s odd.

Sibling 2: You’re telling me!  And now my hair’s so long I can’t cut it myself without it looking even worse!

Sibling 1: (Starts fiddling with the ends) Oh, I wouldn’t say that – I’m sure a chainsaw would do just fine.

Sibling 2: (Buries face in hands again) It’s catching on everything!

Sibling 1: (Thinks for a bit) Want me to braid it?

Sibling 2: (Looks coldly at Sibling 1) I want you to cut it!

Sibling 1: (In realization) Ohhhhh.  But it looks good this way.

Sibling 2: I DON’T CARE!

Sibling 1: Rude.  (Stands and holds out an arm toward the hallway) OK, then: step into my parlor.

Sibling 2: (Stomps to the bathroom, muttering) So embarrassing; I need to ask my own family to cut my hair like I’m a five-year-old –

Sibling 1: (Following) If nothing else, it’s certainly cheaper.

(Later in the bathroom, Sibling 2 with wet hair sits on a chair back up against the sink, which is covered in paper towels; Sibling 1 enters wearing a lead apron and carrying a toolbox)

Sibling 1: All right, Rapunzel, we begin with the pruning shears.  (Quickly snaps them open and shut to demonstrate)

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1’s wrist) No-no-no!  Regular scissors only!

Sibling 1: But those are my good scissors.

Sibling 2: They’ll survive!

Sibling 1: (Grumbles while setting down the shears and going to kitchen) Picky, picky, picky – it’s not like I’d lop off an ear, I know what I’m doing….

Sibling 2: (Yells toward the door) I doubt it!

Sibling 1: (Returns with a pair of scissors) OK, customer-is-always-right, where do you want me to start?

Sibling 2: Just chop off the big chunks first and then trim from there!

Sibling 1: Got it.  (Sibling 2 leans back as Sibling 1 combs and smooths out the hair) You know, even with all the grays, you’ve really got good color and volume.

Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) Thanks.

Sibling 1: Just saying, people who are prematurely bald or lost their hair in other ways would love to have –

Sibling 2: Would-you-just-get-on-with-it?!

Sibling 1: Fine.  (Readies the scissors) You asked for it.

Sibling 1: Huh?

<SNIP!>

ONE HOUR LATER

(Sibling 2 is standing in front of the sink and facing the mirror while finishing shaving hair to a fine fuzz)

Sibling 2: (Sets the razor on the counter, grabs a towel, and vigorously rubs head with it until most of the extra pieces are gone) There!  Now it’s even!

Sibling 1: (Watching from the doorway) Hey, I never claimed to have a cosmetology license.

Sibling 2: No, but you can measure two sides so that they’re even, yes?

Sibling 1: No.

Sibling 2: Well, it’s finally done, and I’m free from all… this!  (Rubs smooth head and neck all around, then snatches up all the paper towels filled with the locks of hair, briefly holding them out to Sibling 1) Here’s your chance – want it?

Sibling 1: No thank you.

Sibling 2: (Dumps the paper towels holding hair into the garbage can) And now, I’m going back to my life without unwanted hair dragging me down!  And if I hear one more comment at work about how I was a flower child reject, I’m gonna start giving all of them free haircuts!  (Walks past Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: Ahem.

Sibling 2: (Turns back) Oh yeah, thanks for all your help, you’ve been a real pal, I’ve gotta go send in my taxes now before I get fined forever, talk to you later, bye!  (Runs out the front door)

Sibling 1: (Shakes head in resignation) I expect too much, I suppose.  (Cleans up the rest of the hair mess and is carrying the toolbox back to the coat closet when loud banging is heard at the front door; Sibling 1 sets down the toolbox and slowly opens the door) I’m sorry, but the salon is closed for the day.

Sibling 2: Hilarious – could you grab my cap that I left on the couch, please?

Sibling 1: Why, whatever could you need it for, now that you’re so “free”?

Sibling 2: Because it’s still winter outside and now my head is freezing!

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 577: Going Back to a Ghost Office

             (At a work-from-home desk)

Coworker: (Speaking to a group through a video conference) So after reviewing the numbers, the upcoming fiscal year is projected to be a 10% improvement over the last one.

Manager 1: (Nodding head with others on the conference) Good-good, that’s what we want to hear.  Any questions?

Director: No, I think we’re all set.  (To Coworker) Great presentation; really sets my mind at ease for preparing next year’s budget.

Coworker: (Smiling in relief) Glad to hear it!

Manager 1: You can stop sharing your screen now.

Coworker: Oh right.  (Stops sharing the screen and closes the presentation)

Director: OK, if nobody has anything to add then I say this meeting is adjourned.

(As everyone else nods, Coworker sees a private message from Manager 1 pop up in a corner of the screen)

Manager 1: (Message) “Please stay on after everyone else signs off.”

Coworker: (Smile freezes in horror) <Gulp>

Director: (To Coworker) Everything all right?

Coworker: (Looks back up at the group; chokes) Yes! – ahem – Yes, just… (Everyone stares back expectantly) I.T. issue.

(The others groan in sympathy)

Director: I.T.’s the worst, isn’t it?

Database Manager: I’m I.T.

Director: Sorry – you’re the best.  Anyway, gotta go: got two overlapping meetings and I’m late for both, bye!  (Signs off, followed by everyone else except Manager 1 and Coworker)

Manager 1: So!  The reason why I asked you to stay on –

Coworker: (Wiping sweat off of forehead) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: – is because we’re already here and it’s easier than back-and-forth e-mails or – ugh – a phone call.

Coworker: (Drily swallowing) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: At any rate, I hate to bring this up but –

Coworker: The-presentation-was-awful-and-I’m-being-replaced-by-a-robot-and-the-company’s-finally-going-to-fire-me-with-no-severance-pay-or-holdover-health-insurance-I-just-know-it!

Manager 1: What?!  No, the presentation was great and you’re actually getting a raise this year that I’m technically not supposed to tell you about yet – where is all this coming from?!

Coworker: …Nowhere.

Manager 1: We’ll chalk it up to stress.  Listen, I’d rather couch this as asking for a favor, but since I’m your boss I really supposed to tell you to do this: I need to you to go back into the office tomorrow.

Coworker: (Blinks in confusion and whiplashing emotions) Go… back… into... the office…?

Manager 1: Yeah, I know, it’s been, what, five years since we last were there?

Coworker: (In awe) That’s half a decade….

Manager 1: Wow, phrasing it like that makes it sound even worse.

Coworker: Sorry.  I didn’t realize the company still had an office.

Manager 1: I know, right?  Last I heard, they cut it down to half a floor to save on rent; only a few people go in regularly.

Coworker: …Why?

Manager 1: Voluntold, I guess.  CEO stops by every so often, too; probably to see how the money’s being spent, and also to get out of the house.

Coworker: (Back in a panic) Soooo… is this it?

Manager 1: “It”?

Coworker: Am I being sent back… in?

Manager 1: Oh no, this is only for a day.  I won’t send you back in permanently as long as I can help it, and I know you’re actually working when you work from home which, let’s be honest, between you and me, can’t be said for everyone in our department.  (Seals lips and “Ssh”s self)

Coworker: (As a few coworkers spring to mind) Oh, I don’t know….

Manager 1: Yeah-yeah, we all know – the point is, there’s an audit tomorrow and the surveyors want it in-person so someone from each department has to be there, and up until today it was going to be me but I just found out from our Director a little while ago that I now have to get myself thee states over with no travel reimbursement to do a site inspection of one of the warehouses because something funny’s going on, although who knows what I’m supposed to do about it except tattle and try to shame them into compliance, good luck with that, so there that is, the timing’s awful, I’ll give you all my notes, but you’ll do fine, I guarantee it!

Coworker: (Having lost track several phrases ago) Huh?

Manager 1: I’ll send you an e-mail – you’ve got this; just think of me driving for seven hours to face a bunch of incompetent liars and what you’ll have to go through will seem like nothing.  Fare thee well!  (Meeting ends)

Coworker: (Sits back in a daze) Back to the office… I don’t think I remember how to get there….

THE NEXT DAY

(Coworker enters the nearly-empty lobby of a large skyscraper and walks to the security desk)

Coworker: Hello, I’m with -------- and was told to – (Swallows loudly) come in today.

Security Guard: (Checking the computer) Oh yeah, we’ve had a rush for that company this morning; you’re the second guest so far.

Coworker: …Wow.

Security Guard: Yeah, it’s been nuts – ID please.  (Coworker hands over a driver license and company badge) That’s good you still have this: I can reinstate your access, but it’s only valid for 30 days.

Coworker: That’s OK; one will do.

Security Guard: (Chuckles) I know, right?  Once they figure out how we can do remote security, I’ll be all over that, let me tell you.  (Hands back the items) All set: still on the 39^th floor, but half of it’s been closed off for a long time, so watch out for the ghosts, wooooo!  (Wiggles fingers spookily; Coworker stares in fear; Security Guard lowers hands) A lot of stuff up there’s falling apart from neglect, so just be careful.

Coworker: Oh–OK–thanks.  (Rushes to the elevator bank)

Security Guard: (Turns to see someone approaching from the main entrance) Another one?  This is the most excitement I’ve had in years.

(The elevator doors open to a bleak hallway with minimal lighting; Coworker trots quickly to the other end and uses the badge to open the office door.  The main section has a large open area where many desks clearly were removed, leaving their imprints on the carpet; a few remaining desks are bunched together in a far corner.  Coworker stares at the empty space that is poorly lit and full of dust as a tumbleweed rolls by)

Coworker: (Starts walking toward the desks) Helloooo?!  (In a small voice) And I was never seen again…. (Jumps as a phone on one of the desks rings, echoing throughout the open space, then looks around) Anyone gonna get that?  (The rings eventually stop) Guess not.

(A door creakily opens, showing a room filled with light and a silhouette in the center; Coworker spins around at the noise and faces the silhouette approaching)

Coworker: (Softly) Oh noooo….

(The silhouette resolves into a human figure)

Supervisor 1: Oh hey – here for the audit?

Coworker: …Yes.

Supervisor 1: Guess you didn’t get the e-mail either, huh?

Coworker: If it was sent this morning, I can’t check e-mail while I’m… commuting.  (Involuntarily shudders at the word)

Supervisor 1: (Sits at the desk that had the ringing phone) Heh, I’m sure that was a lot of fun – traffic as bad as it was when you last were here?  Probably worse, I bet.

Coworker: I’m trying to expunge the memory – are you telling me in an extremely roundabout way that the audit’s been cancelled?

Supervisor 1: Oh no, it’s still going on today.  They just figured that it didn’t need to be in-person after all, since, well – (Gestures at the cavern surrounding them) look at the place.

Coworker: (Flings away a passing cobweb) I have.

Supervisor 1: So, yeah: all the files they need to review are saved on the server anyway, and clearly nobody cares about the working conditions for the three of us saps still here, so like everything else, they’re doing it virtually.

Coworker: (Stares at Supervisor 1) So I could’ve stayed home this whole time?!

Supervisor 1: Yep.  Hope the company’s paying for your trip in.

Coworker: It’s not!

Supervisor 1: Yeah, me neither.  (Peers at a figure emerging from the office door) Oh hey – here for the audit?

Manager 2: Yeah.

Supervisor 1: Virtual now.

Manager 2: Blast.  (Turns to leave)

Supervisor 1: (Stands) Hey, wait – (Manager 2 turns back) you all can use the computers here for that, you know.

Manager 2: Oh.  Right; with the sudden upheaval, I forgot.

Supervisor 1: Yeah, I mean, this is an office, that’s what we do.  And since now a few of you are here…. (Walks to the other door and leans in) You recovered yet?

Manager 3: (Comes out of the room while holding an icepack to the head) Almost: the fumes and other drivers are lingering still.

Supervisor 1: (To the group) I’ll set you all up for a teleconference and you can do your thing at the desks here.  (Rubs hands together in glee) This is exciting: we haven’t had anybody besides us in years!  (Opens the door again and sticks head into the room) We have more company!

(Two others come out of the room)

Supervisor 2: (Claps hands and jumps up and down in joy) Colleagues!  Coworkers!  It’s been so long!  You want coffee?  I’ll get you coffee.  (Runs back into the room)

Supervisor 3: As you can see, it’s been ages since we’ve interacted with others besides ourselves here.

Coworker: (Sitting down at a desk prepped by Supervisor 1) It’s so odd – I figured whoever was left here was having the social interaction we’re supposed to need, but instead you seem so isolated while with all the meetings and phone calls I have at home, I don’t feel cut off from the world one bit.

Supervisor 1: (Stops prepping the other desks for Manager 2 and Manager 3 to sweep an arm taking in the barren office wasteland) As you can guess, the irony is not lost on any of us here.

Story 576: Valentine’s Day Date With Myself

            (In an apartment, Ego is tidying up the place while on the phone)

Ego: And since I’m currently between soul mates, I decided that this year I’m going on a Valentine’s Day date with myself.

Friend: (Voice on the phone) Good for you!  It’s always nice to treat yourself, I say.  I’m actually kind of jealous: The Other Half really wanted to go to the ballet this year so I’m bracing myself for that snoozefest tonight.

Ego: (Adjusts the living room window blinds) Bummer.

Friend: It really is.  But, I can’t complain because afterwards we’re having dessert at Rock `N Roll All-You-Can-Eat Sports Bar, which The Other Half has to take two aspirin to endure so, you know: True Love, and all that.

Ego: (Lighting several candles) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure.  (There is a knock at the front door) Ooh, sorry to cut you off but my date’s here, have fun, bye!  (Runs to the door, tossing the phone onto a dishtowel lying on the kitchen counter)

Friend: But I thought you were – ? (Disconnected)

(Ego unlocks the front door to reveal Alter Ego)

Ego: (Beaming broadly) Hi!

Alter Ego: (Carrying a large heart-shaped box of chocolates, a bouquet of chocolate roses, and a container of hot chocolate mix) Hi.  I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for so I brought all of them.

Ego: Excellent.  (Stands aside) Come on in!

(Alter Ego enters and they both go into the living room)

Alter Ego: (Setting down the desserts on a coffee table) So, what’ll it be tonight?  Fancy dinner in, sci-fi movie during dessert, maybe a foot pampering session thrown in for good measure?

Ego: (Holds up a foot spa bath) You know me too well.

(At dinner in the dining room/kitchen)

Alter Ego: (While munching on the entrée) Mm-mm, this is delicious.

Ego: Why, thank you.  (Slyly sips from a flute of sparkling water)

Alter Ego: Have you been taking those cooking classes you were thinking about a lot recently?

Ego: Indeed.  I’m glad you noticed; it really is money well spent.

Alter Ego: I’d say: (Holds up a forkful of food) this has been braised to perfection.

Ego: (Waves dismissively) Oh, stop, you!  (Tilts head in thought) Me?

Alter Ego: And the sides!  Healthy, yet savory.  (Does a chef’s kiss) Brilliant.

Ego: It’s so nice to have one’s effort appreciated.

Alter Ego: Well, I certainly appreciate it.  And I was going to do this already, but definitely leave all the dishes and clean-up to me!

Ego: You say the most magical things.

(Later on, Ego and Alter Ego are sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie by candlelight and snacking on the chocolates while Ego’s feet are in the bubbling spa bath)

Alter Ego: (Points to the screen) Don’t you just love it when the soundtrack has themes for certain characters that pop up over and over again throughout the film?

Ego: Yes!  Hardly anyone I watch movies with seems to notice that, and they act like I’m making it up!

Alter Ego: I don’t know about them, but I think it adds such a rich layer of subtext to the entire work – a real treat for the ears that’s extremely underappreciated, in my opinion.

Ego: Exactly!  You get it.

(By the time the movie ends, both are dozing off)

Ego: (Blinking awake as the credits roll loudly, looks around at the mess of candy wrappers on the couch and floor) Ooh, did we actually eat all this?

Alter Ego: Well, you certainly did.

Ego: Heh-heh, yeah.

Alter Ego: And on that note – (Stands) time for me to, unfortunately, buzz off.

Ego: Oh.  (Tries to stand but sloshes around in the foot spa bath instead; dries off feet with a blanket and kicks aside the bath) Is the Valentine’s Day date over already?

Alter Ego: Why, you wanna go out clubbing or something?

Ego: (Shudders) Ooh, I don’t think I can handle that anymore at my age.  OK, well, thanks for a lovely Valentine’s Day, then.

Alter Ego: My pleasure.

(They both walk to the entrance)

Ego: (Unlocks and opens the front door) So: same time next year?

Alter Ego: You sure? You might find a new soul mate by then.

Ego: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Knowing me, I doubt it.  Besides, I learned something new from our time together tonight.

Alter Ego: What’s that?

Ego: I like this better.

Story 575: Sleeping Like a Cat

            (At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)

Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh.  (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)

Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?

Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks.  (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?

Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could.  (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?

Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute!  I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?

Guest 3: A mystery for the ages.  I only wish I had that power.

Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?

Guest 3: Yes.  (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.

Guest 1: Wow.  (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either.  Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.

(Both yawn simultaneously)

Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone.  And I was an English major, too.

Guest 1: Alas.  (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?

Guest 3: One way to find out.  (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure.  (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.

Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.

Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.

Guest 1: Huh, is that all?  (Ball bounces off head)

Guest 3: Should be.  I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally.  (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!

(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)

Guest 1: But I never got my appetizers....

THAT NIGHT

(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)

Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it.  (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything.  (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes!  11:53 p.m.  You can do this, champ!  (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.

Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!

Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-

Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!

Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –

Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!

Guest 1: Purring!  That must be the secret!  (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that.  (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59  That oughta do it.

Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Guest 1: (Curls up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In an office cubicle)

Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump.  (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)

Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody!  Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!

(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)

Guest 1: (Eyes still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….

ONE HOUR LATER

Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!

Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh?  What?

Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!

Guest 1: I was?...  I was!  It worked, yessss!!!!  (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)

Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.

Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..

Coworker: I envy you.  (Leaves)

Guest 1: (Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a church)

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….

Guest 1: (Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue.  (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….

………………………………………………………………………………………

Preacher: Excuse me?

Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –

Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?

Guest 1: (Looks around the now-empty church) Ah.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)

Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi!  Thank you everyone who could be here today!

Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock!  We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!

Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)

Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…?  Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.

(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)

Guest 1: (Suddenly rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane!  (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I didn’t make it into the video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)

Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go.  (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting.  (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)

Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.

Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Guest 1: If what was true?

Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.

Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm.  (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.

Guest 3: So I see.

Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)

Guest 3: By all means.

Guest 1: Sweet.  (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)

Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?