Story 562: "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience” Was Not What I Thought It Would Be

 OCTOBER 26

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the hallway door)

Sibling 1: (Trotting to answer the door in excitement) Ooh, here it is, here it is – !  (Unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Sibling 2) Oh.  It’s just you.

Sibling 2: Who else would it be?

Sibling 1: I’m actually expecting a very important package that should delivered at any moment.

Sibling 2: Ah.  More – (Air quotes) “vintage collectible vehicles” that are really toy cars?

Sibling 1: (Embarrassed defiance) Yes.

Sibling 2: You know nobody hand delivers packages anymore; they just leave it on the ground and run for their lives, in some cases literally.

Sibling 1: Maybe not if they knew it was vintage.

Sibling 2: Whatever: can I come in now or what?

Sibling 1: Oh, sorry.  (Stands aside to let in Sibling 2, then closes and locks the door behind them) Got carried away with the conversation there.

Sibling 2: I hear ya.

(They go into the living room and flop onto opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 1: Oh, where are my manners?  (Very formally) Would you like something to drink?

Sibling 2: No thank you, Host; I just came over to give you this.  (Hands Sibling 1 an envelope)

Sibling 1: Money?

Sibling 2: Better.

Sibling 1: Crypto?

Sibling 2: That’s not better.

Sibling 1: A star in the heavens?

Sibling 2: Would you stop guessing and just open it?!

Sibling 1: Okey-dokey.  (Opens the envelope and reads the form inside, then gasps in excited shock) You got us tickets to stay at the Winchester Mystery House® on Halloween night?!

Sibling 2: Well, sort of.

Sibling 1: This is amazing!  I can’t believe you were even able to get these, and are paying for us to fly all the way to San Jose to do it!

Sibling 2: Um, first of all: I never would pay for your plane ticket; and secondly: this isn’t in San Jose.

Sibling 1: But that’s where the house is.  (Gasps again) Did the ghosts relocate it?!

Sibling 2: No, this is a semi-replica of the house that someone did locally.  I saw it online and it caught my eye; since I don’t know when we’d ever get a chance the see the real one and the price was decent, I figured “Why not?”  It’s probably an unlicensed knock-off, but I’ll send a donation to the actual house or some nonprofit and call it even.

Sibling 1: (Reading more from the form) “Overnight stay… self-guided tour… guaranteed ghost sightings….” (To Sibling 2) This all sounds great!

Sibling 2: You sure?  I know it’s basically a cheap imitation of the actual estate and it’s nowhere near as big, but the photos and descriptions seemed to have the highlights, and reviews weren’t too bad.  It’s also not too well-known so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves and not have to deal with unpredictable fellow customers.

Sibling 1: Hey, as long as it’s got the staircases and doors to nowhere, it’ll more than meet my expectations.  (Briefly hugs Sibling 2) Thank you so much, this is the best gift ever, and it’s not even my birthday!

Sibling 2: Aw, you’re welcome, kiddo.  It beats having to deal with trick-or-treaters that night.

Sibling 1: Especially since I never got around to buying any candy for them.

 HALLOWEEN

          (Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drive up to a sprawling mansion as dusk gathers and an occasional wind carries the sound of hammering with it; a sign planted in front of the building reads “The Winchester Mystery House® Experience – Enter If You Dare!”)

Sibling 1: (As both exit the car carrying overnight bags and lean back to look up at the mansion) This is so cool – I mean, it’s definitely much smaller, but they even got the inconsistent architecture right.  (Points to an upper wing in glee) Ooh, ooh, I think that’s one of the doors to nowhere!

Sibling 2: I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough when we fall out of it – come on.

(They walk up to the front door and Sibling 2 takes out a piece of paper with a code to enter on the electronic lock; once unlocked, they enter the large, dark, and echoing house and drop their bags by the front door)

Sibling 1: (Cups hands around mouth) Helllllllloooooooo?????

Sibling 2: (Locks the door behind them) There’d better not be anyone else here.

Sibling 1: Just trying to let the ghosts know we’ve arrived; it’s good manners.

Sibling 2: I know I’ve mentioned this before, but aside from me not believing in them to begin with, the whole ghost part of this experience is a tad exploitative of the family’s tragedy, doncha think?

Sibling 1: Then why’d you get us tickets to come here in the first place?

Sibling 2: Because you always wanted to go, and this one’s not even the real house so the only ghosts we’ll be seeing will be animatronic, optical, plastic, or some combination of those, with a few pre-recorded howls and screams tossed in for good measure.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I was kinda hoping to see Sarah Winchester.

Sibling 2: That’s ghoulish – let her rest in peace, and unless she and any other spirits actually did remain on this mortal plane and decided to travel cross-country, you’ll have to settle for your nowhere stairs or whatever they are.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yes, thanks for reminding me, I wanna see those right away!  (Starts to run for the main staircase and is grabbed by the shirt collar and yanked back by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: Just a second – we need some lights in here, and it seems our hosts have left us instructions. 

(At a small table near the entrance, there are two electric candles, a stack of papers, a map, a ring of keys, and two handheld cassette tape players)

Sibling 2: (Turns on the candles, hands one to Sibling 1, and uses the other to locate a light switch on the walls but finds none) Great, I guess it’s batteries, flames, or nothing.

Sibling 1: (Holds the candle underneath the chin to cast an eerie light) The original house had electricity and even indoor plumbing, but we get the old-timey experience, wooooooo!

Sibling 2: Did the original house also have an electronic lock on the front door?

Sibling 1: (Lowers the candle) Perhaps they could’ve at least sprung for solar-powered lights, then.

Sibling 2: Yeah.  (Hands the map and a cassette player to Sibling 1 and starts to read the papers) “Welcome, Guests, to ‘The Winchester Mystery House® Experience’!  This is a parody; any resemblance to the actual Winchester Mystery House® is not intentional”…?  (Frowns in confusion)

Sibling 1: (Playing with the cassette tape) Skip all that and get to the good stuff!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head to clear it and skips ahead) Yadda, yadda, yadda; blah, blah, blah – OK, here we go: “The map is your guide, so keep it with you always – ” (Widens eyes and speaks in a spooky voice to Sibling 1) “or you may become lost in the house – FOREVER!”

Sibling 1: (Giggles) So exciting.

Sibling 2: (Smiles and reads more) “You may roam where you wish, but beware the North-Northwest Wing – ” ooh, must be good – “ and watch your step, for who knows where the many rooms and halls and stairs of the house may take you!”

Sibling 1: (Bounces up and down slightly) Oh my gosh, this is almost too much!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah – “For your own safety and for liability purposes, please obey any signage you may see as covered in the waiver you signed – ” Skip!  (Flips through several pages) “Dinner and breakfast are in the icebox in the kitchen; if there is an emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately – ”

Sibling 1: (Weaving the candle through the air to make figure eights of the afterglow) Bo-ring!

Sibling 2: OK, you’ll like this part: “Don’t disturb the ghosts, but they may disturb you!”  Mwahahaha!

Sibling 1: (Stops weaving the candle) Cool.

Sibling 2: “Enjoy your stay, and please leave a review on www. – ” (Tosses the papers back onto the table) I think that covers everything; wanna go explore now?

Sibling 1: YES!  (Grabs the key ring and checks the map) Let’s go upstairs and work our way down!  (Runs up the main staircase)

Sibling 2: (Grabs the other cassette player and follows at a slower pace) Fine by me.

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 make their way up to the multi-leveled third floor and check the map again; the sound of hammering has gotten louder)

Sibling 1: That’s weird: it doesn’t say where the North-Northwest Wing is.

Sibling 2: Probably because we’re not supposed to go there.

Sibling 1: No, they just said to beware of it, which is a clear invitation to go there first.

Sibling 2: Hm.  Maybe the audio tour’ll help.  (Presses “Play” on the cassette player)

Voice on Tape: Welcome to "The Winchester Mystery House® Experience.”  In 1884, Sarah Winchester –

Sibling 2: (Presses “Stop”) Well that’ll take forever – there isn’t even a way to fast-forward to specific sections of the house if you’re just wandering around.

Sibling 1: Guess we’d have to tour the house in the order they recorded this; maybe I’ll listen to it tomorrow.

Sibling 2: Check-out’s at 10 a.m.

Sibling 1: Wow.  For something that doesn’t get a lot of visitors, they certainly don’t waste any time shooing us out.  So!  (Holds up the map) North-Northwest Wing, North-Northwest Wing… is it our west or actual west?

Sibling 2: I’m guessing our west, since we’re going to it from inside the house.

Sibling 1: Huh, maybe…. (Passes by a window and sees a construction worker hammering on the roof of a nearby wing) Whoa, how authentic!

Sibling 2: (Peers out the window next to Sibling 1) What, that they’re running tours out of place that’s half-built?  Sounds about right.

Sibling 1: No-no-no, I mean this is part of the whole Winchester House’s history: Sarah Winchester kept having rooms built all the time, day and night, to appease the spirits of the victims of the Winchester rifles.  That’s what she spent the family fortune on: a never-ending quest for peace.

Sibling 2: Mm.  Yeah, 24/7 construction sounds like a nightmare.

Sibling 1: (Opening the window) Lemme ask –

Sibling 2: (Trying to stop the window from opening) Aw, leave ‘em alone –

Sibling 1: (To Construction Worker 1) Good sir!  (Construction Worker 1 stops hammering and looks up at Sibling 1) Would you be so kind as to direct us to the North-Northwest Wing?

Construction Worker 1: (Points to another wing) It be that way, but beware –

Sibling 2: (While closing the window) Oh, we’ll be waring our hearts out all over this place, thank-you!  (To Sibling 1) Let’s go and stop bothering the employees, OK?

Sibling 1: I’m sure they just love to help souls in need.

Sibling 2: I bet they do.

Sibling 1: (As they start walking where they were directed) Fantastic: even the clothes were 1800s-style....

(They tread carefully through the darkening house as the sun sets and night descends; a hallway turns to a staircase that ends abruptly at the ceiling when they climb it)

Sibling 1: Yes!  One of the staircases that lead to nowhere, at last!

Sibling 2: Neat.  We probably should go back down then, huh?

Sibling 1: Yeah – we’ll have to stop by here again in the morning though; I can barely see anything with this candle.

Sibling 2: Right.  (Takes out a cell phone, turns on the flashlight feature, and hands it to Sibling 1) Here.

Sibling 1: Thanks, but won’t it drain your battery?

Sibling 2: It will, but I really don’t want to go back outside tonight to get the flashlight from the car, and we can use your phone if we have to.

Sibling 1: (Taps forehead with the phone) Always thinking.

(They eventually arrive at the North-Northwest Wing, which starts with a long corridor)

Sibling 1: Oooooohhhhhh, even the hallway looks haunted.  (Creaking sounds are heard overhead; Sibling 1 ducks slightly) What was that?!  Are the ghosts afoot?!

Sibling 2: My guess is rats are afeet – wanna start actually exploring some of the rooms?

Sibling 1: Oh!  Yeah, I got so thrown off with finding this section that I almost forgot that part.  (Holds the key ring up to the light, flicks through the keys, and reads the labels) “Guest Room 1” – “Guest Room 2” – “Guest Bathroom” – “East Wing Library” –

Sibling 2: Allow me.  (Grabs the key ring and goes through the keys faster as Sibling 2 holds up the light, then groups together several of the keys) Here we go: North-Northwest Wing Rooms.  One says “Music Room”, so that sounds promising.

Sibling 1: (Holds that key as Sibling 2 hands over the ring) A ghostly Beethoven, playing an afterlife sonata.

Sibling 2: Sure.

(They walk down the corridor slowly, hearing noises as they get closer to the door labelled “Music Room”)

Sibling 1: (Whispering) I think the ghosts are inside!

Sibling 2: (Also whispering) OK, just take a deep breath and try not to faint, please – I don’t want to have to carry you four-and-a-half floors back downstairs.

(As they approach the door, muffled voices are heard, along with a single piano note)

Sibling 1: (Still whispering) This is it!  Ghostly music!

Sibling 2: (Still whispering) Great, great, so open the door – (Mutters) let’s see what I paid for.

(Sibling 1 slowly puts the key into the lock, slowly turns it, and puts one hand on the doorknob)

Sibling 1: (Mouths) 1 – 2 – 3!

(Sibling 1 shoves the door open to reveal several construction workers lounging about in comfy chairs and at a grand piano)

Sibling 2: …Hi.

Construction Worker 2: Hello.

Sibling 1: Is… this the Music Room?

Construction Worker 2: `Twill be once we’re done building it.  (Gestures to the partially finished walls) Then, `twill be demolished and built anew, like all the others.

Construction Workers: (Sadly) Aye.

Construction Worker 2: For now though, we use it as a break room.  (Holds out glasses to Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Sherry?

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1 as the latter reaches for a glass) No thank you, so sorry to have disturbed you, please enjoy your break, and… keep up the good work!  (They close and lock the door behind them)

Construction Worker 2: (Sighs) Oh, we will.  Forever.

Construction Workers: Aye.  (Piano note)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 run back down the corridor and out of the North-Northwest Wing, stopping at a staircase to a lower level)

Sibling 2: I didn’t realize there’d be a whole bunch of people actually working while we were staying here!  And taking breaks wherever!  We were supposed to have the place to ourselves!

Sibling 1: I told you, it’s part of the authenticity!

Sibling 2: Yeah, but where else are they gonna be working, in the bathrooms?  (Gasps) In the bedrooms?!

Sibling 1: We’ll find out!  In the meantime, I’m hungry – let’s have dinner.

Sibling 2: Yeah, good idea.

(They use the map to go back downstairs to the first floor and find the kitchen, opening the door to reveal several construction workers building a rack to hold pots in the middle of the room)

Sibling 2: Oh great – I mean, good evening.

Construction Workers: (Briefly pausing) Good evening.

Construction Worker 3: Looking for the ice box?

Sibling 2: Yes please.

Construction Worker 3: (Gestures with a hammer to the far wall) Over there – mind your step.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

(Both tiptoe around construction workers and tools, grab packaged dinners out of the ice box, and begin to exit through another door to the dining room)

Construction Worker 3: (Pops up from the project) Oh, beware –

Sibling 1: (Turns around eagerly) YES?!

Construction Worker 3: A crew is rebuilding the table and chairs in there right now, so `twill be tricky when you sit for your meal.

Sibling 2: (Pushes open the door slightly to reveal hammering, sawing, and sanding; allows the door to close again) We’ll take these upstairs, thank you.

Construction Worker 3: Suit yourselves.  (Returns to levelling the rack)

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 grab their overnight bags near the front door and use the map to find the Guest Rooms; in that corridor, they gingerly step around more construction and workers spread throughout, the activity and noise increasing in volume the closer they get to the rooms.  At the one labelled “Guest Room 1”, they use the matching key to enter and then close and lock the door behind them)

Sibling 2: (As they drop their bags to the floor and set up the dinners on the bed) Well, at least it’s slightly quieter in here.

Sibling 1: Hm – you think they’ll work all night long, like the real ones did?

Sibling 2: I certainly hope not; I’d like to get some sleep to-

(A loud MOAN is heard from behind the closed closet door; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 hug each other in terror)

Sibling 1: (Whispering frantically) What was that?!  Is that the ghost?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Sibling 2: (Releases Sibling 1 and shakes head in irritation) No – (Another MOAN is heard and Sibling 2 jumps in shock) ahem – no, but I’m sure gonna find out what it is.

Sibling 1: (Hands the cell phone light to Sibling 2) Be careful!  Don’t let the ghost possess your body and terrorize the living!

Sibling 2: There’s no such thing as – never mind.

(Another MOAN is heard; Sibling 2 braces for impact, then flings open the closet door)

Construction Worker 4: (Turns around from working on an exposed pipe in the back wall) Oh, hello.

Sibling 2: OK: get out.

Construction Worker 4: But I was told to get this done tonight.

Sibling 2: It can wait 15 hours – (Points to the hall door) begone.

Construction Worker 4: (Gathers tools and starts to leave as Sibling 2 unlocks the door) The missus will not be pleased to hear of this.

Sibling 2: Then give me her number, I’ll tell her myself!

Construction Worker 4: (Stops in confusion) What number?

Sibling 2: OUT!  (Relocks the door after Construction Worker 4 leaves in a hurry; there are agitated voices in the corridor, and then the hammering, sawing, and sanding increase in volume even more; Sibling 2 collapses onto the bed and stares at the continually creaking ceiling) Mind if I bunk with you tonight?  I really don’t want to go back out into that hallway while they’re still… working.

Sibling 1: Sure!  It’ll be fun, and we can tell each other Halloween scary stories all night long!

Sibling 2: (Smiles softly) Yeah, it’ll be fun.

Sibling 1: (Starts eating the prepared dinner) Just one question: didn’t you pay for two rooms?

Sibling 2: Right now, I’d pay for everybody to leave.

NOVEMBER 1

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 exit the front door with their overnight bags, resetting the electronic lock while construction workers regularly pass by with different-sized ladders)

Sibling 1: (As they walk around gardeners on their way to the car) Well, I had a great time!

Sibling 2: Glad one of us did.  My review of this place will be a bit harsh, so you may want to help me temper the wording before I submit it.

Sibling 1: Of course!  I just think it was awesome we finally got to explore almost-the-real-house, and we saw so many ghosts here!

Sibling 2: (Freezes, then laughs) Wait, you don’t think all these – (Waves a hand at the construction workers busily remodeling and replanting around the house) are actually ghosts, right?  They’re just contractors.  Probably illegally overworked, for all they annoyed me.

Sibling 1: No, they’re the ghosts – see?  (Holds out the papers that had been on the front table) “All noncorporeal entities that you witness are on technically unauthorized ‘loan’ from the Winchester Mystery House®, in order to heighten the experience – they will vanish upon guests’ check-out.”

Sibling 2: (Takes the papers and reads them, then snorts in disbelief) Yeah, and if you believe that – (Suddenly looks up as all construction sounds cease; no construction worker is in sight, anywhere) What...?  Where…?  Who…?

Sibling 1: (Checks watch) 10:00, on the dot!  (Slaps Sibling 2 on the shoulder) This was the best Halloween ever – thanks!  (Gets into the car’s passenger seat)

Sibling 2: (Still staring at the now-empty house) …Does it count as a haunting if I didn’t realize it was happening at the time?

Story 561: What Were the Witches of "Macbeth" Really Up To?

[All lines in quotes are from Macbeth by William Shakespeare]

(Spooky weather descends upon a medieval Scottish heath as three cloaked figures gather)

First Witch: “When shall we three meet again/ In thunder, lighting or in rain?”

Second Witch: How about in warm weather, clear skies, and low humidity instead – sound good?

First Witch: Yeah, fine with me.

Third Witch: No argument here.

First Witch: So!  The reason we’re meeting here today is about those never-ending wars that keep popping up around here: you think we should try to do something to, I dunno, stop them?

Second Witch: Great idea!  And as I always say, a little positive reinforcement goes a long way: those Macbeth and Banquo chaps seem like decent fellows, defending the King and all; let’s let them know their future rewards now and that should spur them on to do their best to keep the peace in this land even more!

Third Witch: Sound notion!  I second it wholeheartedly.

First Witch: And I third it.  Let’s flip the script on this warmongering country for once, shall we?

First, Second, and Third Witch: “Fair is foul, and foul is fair” – bad will become good, at last!

First Witch: I love using our powers for good and not for evil, don’t you?

Second Witch: `Tis a blessing, to be sure.

Third Witch: Just wish we weren’t treated like garbage and banished all the time for it.

(All three sigh in regret)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(The Three Witches, on the same heath, are seated in a circle and playing dice)

Second Witch: I win, again!

First Witch: Drat: I should’ve paid more attention to maths the one time it was actually being taught to me.

(A drum is heard in the distance)

Third Witch: “A drum, a drum!/  Macbeth doth come.”

First Witch: How you figure?  That drum could mean anyone doth come.

Third Witch: (Points to forehead) I’m using my inner eye.

First Witch and Second Witch: (Nod in understanding) Ahhhhh….

(They stand and pose witchily as Macbeth and Banquo enter heath right)

Macbeth: Behold: witches!  Always a good sign.

First Witch: (To Second Witch and Third Witch) Here we go – make it good.  (To Macbeth and Banquo) “All hail, Macbeth!  Hail to thee, thane of Glamis!”  (Gestures to Second Witch)

Second Witch: “All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, thane of…” (Holds hands to forehead briefly) “Cawdor!”

Third Witch: (With an overly dramatic flourish) Ooh, ooh, “All hail, Macbeth, thou shalt be king hereafter!”

First Witch and Second Witch: (Whirl on Third Witch) WHAT?!

Third Witch: (Blankly) What?  I’m doing the positive reinforcement thing like you said.

First Witch: (Turns, groveling, to Macbeth) What my weird sister meant is, thou shalt be like a king, in that thou shalt rule the people’s hearts and minds –

Macbeth: (Strokes his chin with a raised, conniving eyebrow) King, eh?  A few bodies stand in my way, primarily the current King himself, but they shouldn’t be a problem – for long.

First Witch: Now wait just a minute –

Banquo: Hey, what about me?  Do I get to be king, too?

Third Witch: (Holds hands to forehead briefly again) Ummm – “Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.”  (Is smacked upside the head by First Witch) OW!  What was that for?!

Banquo: Woo-hoo!  I’m the source of royalty, that’s amazing!

First Witch: (Hisses to Third Witch) Peace, you fool!

Third Witch: (Hisses back) Why?  That should keep Macbeth in check, don’t you think?  If he won’t have any kings in his family line, then he won’t be so eager to grab the throne in the first place and will just let the succession proceed naturally, right?

(The Witches turn to see Macbeth sharpening his sword and dagger while staring evilly at the oblivious Banquo)

First Witch: (To Third Witch) You wanna rethink that?

(Macbeth then whips out a quill and parchment and starts a letter)

Macbeth: Dearest Wife: You will never believe what happened to me today.  Tell me – what are your thoughts on proactive upward mobility?

(Macbeth and Banquo leave the heath, with Macbeth leaning on Banquo’s back to write his treasonous letter)

First Witch: I think we accidentally set things in motion that are going to end up really, really badly.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I only mentioned the promotion that Macbeth was going to receive anyway, so I take no responsibility for any duplicitous and bloody thoughts planted in that dude’s head.

Third Witch: But he seemed so noble....

First Witch: They always do in the beginning.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches meet on the heath again, very agitated)

First Witch: (Pacing) So, that escalated quickly: King Duncan, murdered; his son Malcolm, run away to England; Banquo, murdered on the orders of his former best friend – but!  At least his son Fleance got away to continue the family on through to King James VI of Scotland –

Third Witch: (Holds hands briefly to forehead) Who also will be King James I of England.

First Witch: Really?  Well, that’s an interesting turn of events.

Second Witch: I did hear that Banquo’s ghost made a guest appearance at – ugh – King Macbeth’s dinner party last night.

First Witch: Good for him: a little posthumous revenge is always healthy.  But now, you should know that Boss got word of all this and she’s none too happy.

Third Witch: Heh, she never is.

First Witch: I’d keep that observation to myself, if I were you.

(A flash of lightning and a crash of thunder reveal Hecate, making the Three Witches cringe and cower in fear)

Hecate: (Arms raised in fury) “How did you dare/To trade and traffic with Macbeth/ In riddles and affairs of death;/ And I, the mistress of your charms/ The close contriver of all harms/ Was never call’d to bear my part/ Or show the glory of our art?”

First Witch: Ummm….

Hecate: “And, which is worse, all you have done/ Hath been but for a wayward son/ Spiteful and wrathful, who, as others do,/ Loves for his own ends, not for you.”

First Witch: …Yeah, we went a little off-script there.  (Glares at Third Witch)

Third Witch: In our defense, oh Mistress of the Night, with the information we had been given on Macbeth’s character and integrity, we had no way to predict that he’d turn into a complete psychopath.

Hecate: Enough!  (The other three cower again) Fix this, before the entire population of Scotland is wiped out through his whims!

Second Witch: Most certainly, oh Bringer of Light; just one question – we three will not all share equally any possible punishment you may decide to dole out, yes?

Hecate: You three will be doomed to remain trapped for eternity in your cave or tree or wherever it is you call home by the time I’m through with you!  Imagine a rhyming couplet here; and with that, I am gone.  (Vanishes along with the bad weather)

First Witch: Well, that could’ve gone better.

Third Witch: Also could’ve gone worse

First Witch: True.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches use their magic to drag a cauldron full of water up onto the heath)

First Witch: All right, empty out your pockets, we’ve gotta make this thing look good.

Second Witch: (Pulls out items from cloak) Let’s see, I’ve got some… ginger root, a few elderberries, and a piece of willow bark.

First Witch: Great for headaches.  (To Third Witch) You?

Third Witch: (Holds out several items) Some lavender and a bunch of blueberries.

First Witch: (Nods) I think we can make those work.  (Holds out an herb) I found some sarsaparilla.

Second Witch and Third Witch: (Lean in to see) Oooohhhh….

First Witch: I think we’re all ready to go, then: let’s get this brew started and set the mood before Macdouche gets here.

(They use their magic to start a fire and boil the water, then begin throwing their items into the cauldron)

All: “Double, double toil and trouble;/ Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.”

Second Witch: (Getting carried away with throwing in the elderberries) “Eye of newt and toe of frog/ Wool of bat and tongue of dog – ”

First Witch: Would you knock it off?!  That’s absolutely disgusting!

Third Witch: Ooh, what about “Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf – ”

First Witch: No, no, no!

Third Witch: Rats.

First Witch: And not them either!  It’s such behavior that gives us a bad name, you know that?

Second Witch: (Suddenly looks up and holds hands to forehead briefly) “By the pricking of my thumbs/ Something wicked this way comes.”

First Witch: Oh cripes, Royal Pain’s here already, is he?

Second Witch: `Fraid so.  And now my thumbs hurt for some reason because of him.

(Macbeth enters heath left, wearing a huge crown on his head and robes of guilt and extreme ambition)

Macbeth: Hello there, evil hags.

First Witch: (Muttering) Why you little –

Macbeth: Things aren’t looking so good for me and missus right now: lots of nobles running off to England and plotting to overthrow us; Malcolm working with the English to take back the throne, which is a slippery slope if I ever heard one –

Second Witch: Yeah, you let the English in and they’ll never leave.

Macbeth: Quite.  So, tell me how the wife and I can come out on top of all this, m’kay?

First Witch: What for?  You made this mess, you clean it up!  Besides, it’s not as if you paid us for the fortunes we told you the first time!

Second Witch: (Elbows First Witch and whispers) Hecate won’t be too pleased if she hears this – remember, he’s liable to obliterate the entire county at the rate he’s going.

First Witch: (Whispers back) Gotcha.  (To Macbeth) Very well, here are more previews of your fate.  (Adds the sarsaparilla to the cauldron and stirs) “Pour in… (Shudders with disgust) sow’s blood” – blah, blah, blah, here are some spirits!  (After a few moments of inaction, First Witch grits teeth while addressing Second Witch and Third Witch) I say again, Here are some spirits!

Second Witch: Oh!  Right.  (Throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth!  Macbeth!  Macbeth!”

Macbeth: Yes, I’m still here.

Second Witch: “Beware Macduff!”

Macbeth: Knew it!  Always hated that guy.

(First Witch nudges Third Witch)

Third Witch: (To First Witch) You’ll love this; I’ve got a good one.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appear to be a spirit) “Be bloody, bold – ” wait, how am I gonna word this?

Macbeth: Sorry?

Third Witch: I mean, “Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn/ The power of man, for none of woman born/ Shall harm Macbeth.”  Yeah, that oughta do it.

First Witch: (Whispers to Third Witch) Brilliant!  (They surreptitiously high five each other)

Macbeth: Wonderful!  That must mean that no one can kill me and I am immortal.

First Witch: …If you say so.

Macbeth: Is that all?  I need to cover all contingencies.

First Witch: Well, there’s one more.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth shall never vanquish’d be until/”… um… “Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill/ Shall come against him.”

Second Witch: (Whispers to First Witch) How’s that?

First Witch: (Whispers back) The invading army uses the trees’ branches to disguise their numbers.

Second Witch: Great, he’ll never figure that one out, either!  Walk right into his own undoing!

First Witch: (To Macbeth) And one more thing – (Shows shadow puppets standing in a row) Here’s the line of kings mentioned several acts ago, and none of them are from you!  Sure makes you want to chuck it all in now, right?!

Macbeth: These portents do give me pause.  The line of kings from the guy I had murdered so that wouldn’t happen, missing the kid who’d make sure it would, throws me off; but a moving forest and an impossible man do sound promising.  That “Beware Macduff” bit has me concerned, though: he ran off to England to go help Malcolm, so I’ll just have his entire family killed instead.  (Nods to the Three Witches) Thanks for the insider info – you’ve been a big help.  (Exits heath right)

(The Three Witches stare after him in horror, until First Witch smacks Second Witch upside the head)

Second Witch: Hey!  What now?

First Witch: “Beware Macduff”?!  That’s the one guy who can stop this monster, and now you got his whole family killed!

Second Witch: …Motivation?

First Witch: Argh!

Third Witch: You still like my C-section reference though, right?  Told the truth while making him think he’s unstoppable because no such person could possibly exist, right, right – ?

First Witch: Yes-yes-yes, you’re oh-so-clever, nobody cares because in the meantime this guy’s gonna keep on slaughtering innocent people!

Second Witch: Maybe we should’ve been more direct, and just killed him ourselves right at the start?

First Witch: (Gasps) You take that back!  We’re weird magicians, not murderers!

Second Witch: Oh right – everyone treats us that way so much that sometimes I think it’s true.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches gather on the heath during the aftermath of Macbeth’s defeat)

First Witch: Well, this is just great: so many people are dead, either by Macbeth or because of Macbeth; Lady Macbeth finally couldn’t take her dirty hands anymore so she’s dead; Malcolm will be king but now the Scottish owe the English for their help in getting rid of the tyrant so autonomous rule is on shaky ground.  What.  A.  Mess.

Third Witch: Yeah, Hecate’s not gonna be happy.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that nothing I said or did contributed to any of this disaster.

First Witch: Oh, quit all that, would you?!  Besides, it doesn’t matter.

Second Witch: And whyever not?

First Witch: Because we’re witches: whatever happens, good or ill, we always get the blame.

Third Witch: Sounds about right.

Story 560: Oblivia, And Then There Were...?

          [A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]

(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)

Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here?  (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much.  Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged.  By me.  I will judge you.  Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit.  I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.

Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!

Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching!  Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.

Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –

Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?

Camper 2: Hush.  In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”

Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?

Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.

Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles.  I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.

Camper 3: <Gasp!>  That was you?! 

Camper 2: …Maybe.  There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?

Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?

Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems.  Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me.  I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?

Camper 1: Gross.  (To Camper 4) And you?

Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –

Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?

Camper 4: Yeah.  (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.

Camper 1: Maybe later.  (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?

Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm?  Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?

Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.

Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.

Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!

Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh!  Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version?  OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!

Camper 2: Are you for real?!

Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then.  I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it.  (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia)  So, anyone here bring s’mores?  `Cause I sure didn’t.

(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!

Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (They flee into the woods in four different directions)

Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?

Masked Figure: Huh?  (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!

Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?

(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)

Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch!  I don’t wanna die!

Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right!  I think.

Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?

Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.

Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.

(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)

Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it!  What do we do?!

Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?

Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!

Camper 2: You’re so brave!  (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.

Camper 3: Uh-uh.  (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.

Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?

(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?

Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!

Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….

(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)

Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –

Camper 1: I will, I swear it!  But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!

Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –

Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served.  (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)

Camper 4: …Blast….

(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)

Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!

Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it.  (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)

Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.

Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.

Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?

Camper 1: With what tools?  And with what time?

Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!

Camper 3: Oh, I got it!

Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!

Camper 3: We call the cops!

Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!

Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?

Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!

(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)

Camper 1: This is it!  And I still have no idea what to do!

Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right?  (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?

(The footsteps get louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?

Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!

Oblivia: Me, yes?

Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you!  We’ll use you as a body shield.  (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)

Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?

Camper 3: That’s what I said!

Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works.  (Points to a nearby payphone)

Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said!  I just forgot why I’d said it!

(All four run to the payphone)

Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!

Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?

(They all check their pockets)

Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.

Camper 2: I have nothing.

Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.

Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.

Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –

Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea.  (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)

Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.

Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.

Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call!  (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?

Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!

(The Campers jump and scream)

Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.

Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW!  Hey!

Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT!  What just happened?!

Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.

Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.

Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?

Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!

Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?

Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!

Oblivia: Ooh, old school.

Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?

Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.

Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great.  (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post.  (To Oblivia) And you –

Oblivia: Yes?

Director: Just watch, OK?

Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing.  It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?

Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!

Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.

Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!

Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!

Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!

Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah?  Thanks.  (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)

Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!

Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!

(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)

Oblivia: Oops, sorry.  (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?

Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please?  This stuff tastes disgusting.

Oblivia: Sure.  (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)

Actor 5: Much obliged.  (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)

Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?

Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.

Oblivia: Cool-cool.  (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different.  I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?

Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.