Story 577: Going Back to a Ghost Office

             (At a work-from-home desk)

Coworker: (Speaking to a group through a video conference) So after reviewing the numbers, the upcoming fiscal year is projected to be a 10% improvement over the last one.

Manager 1: (Nodding head with others on the conference) Good-good, that’s what we want to hear.  Any questions?

Director: No, I think we’re all set.  (To Coworker) Great presentation; really sets my mind at ease for preparing next year’s budget.

Coworker: (Smiling in relief) Glad to hear it!

Manager 1: You can stop sharing your screen now.

Coworker: Oh right.  (Stops sharing the screen and closes the presentation)

Director: OK, if nobody has anything to add then I say this meeting is adjourned.

(As everyone else nods, Coworker sees a private message from Manager 1 pop up in a corner of the screen)

Manager 1: (Message) “Please stay on after everyone else signs off.”

Coworker: (Smile freezes in horror) <Gulp>

Director: (To Coworker) Everything all right?

Coworker: (Looks back up at the group; chokes) Yes! – ahem – Yes, just… (Everyone stares back expectantly) I.T. issue.

(The others groan in sympathy)

Director: I.T.’s the worst, isn’t it?

Database Manager: I’m I.T.

Director: Sorry – you’re the best.  Anyway, gotta go: got two overlapping meetings and I’m late for both, bye!  (Signs off, followed by everyone else except Manager 1 and Coworker)

Manager 1: So!  The reason why I asked you to stay on –

Coworker: (Wiping sweat off of forehead) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: – is because we’re already here and it’s easier than back-and-forth e-mails or – ugh – a phone call.

Coworker: (Drily swallowing) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: At any rate, I hate to bring this up but –

Coworker: The-presentation-was-awful-and-I’m-being-replaced-by-a-robot-and-the-company’s-finally-going-to-fire-me-with-no-severance-pay-or-holdover-health-insurance-I-just-know-it!

Manager 1: What?!  No, the presentation was great and you’re actually getting a raise this year that I’m technically not supposed to tell you about yet – where is all this coming from?!

Coworker: …Nowhere.

Manager 1: We’ll chalk it up to stress.  Listen, I’d rather couch this as asking for a favor, but since I’m your boss I really supposed to tell you to do this: I need to you to go back into the office tomorrow.

Coworker: (Blinks in confusion and whiplashing emotions) Go… back… into... the office…?

Manager 1: Yeah, I know, it’s been, what, five years since we last were there?

Coworker: (In awe) That’s half a decade….

Manager 1: Wow, phrasing it like that makes it sound even worse.

Coworker: Sorry.  I didn’t realize the company still had an office.

Manager 1: I know, right?  Last I heard, they cut it down to half a floor to save on rent; only a few people go in regularly.

Coworker: …Why?

Manager 1: Voluntold, I guess.  CEO stops by every so often, too; probably to see how the money’s being spent, and also to get out of the house.

Coworker: (Back in a panic) Soooo… is this it?

Manager 1: “It”?

Coworker: Am I being sent back… in?

Manager 1: Oh no, this is only for a day.  I won’t send you back in permanently as long as I can help it, and I know you’re actually working when you work from home which, let’s be honest, between you and me, can’t be said for everyone in our department.  (Seals lips and “Ssh”s self)

Coworker: (As a few coworkers spring to mind) Oh, I don’t know….

Manager 1: Yeah-yeah, we all know – the point is, there’s an audit tomorrow and the surveyors want it in-person so someone from each department has to be there, and up until today it was going to be me but I just found out from our Director a little while ago that I now have to get myself thee states over with no travel reimbursement to do a site inspection of one of the warehouses because something funny’s going on, although who knows what I’m supposed to do about it except tattle and try to shame them into compliance, good luck with that, so there that is, the timing’s awful, I’ll give you all my notes, but you’ll do fine, I guarantee it!

Coworker: (Having lost track several phrases ago) Huh?

Manager 1: I’ll send you an e-mail – you’ve got this; just think of me driving for seven hours to face a bunch of incompetent liars and what you’ll have to go through will seem like nothing.  Fare thee well!  (Meeting ends)

Coworker: (Sits back in a daze) Back to the office… I don’t think I remember how to get there….

THE NEXT DAY

(Coworker enters the nearly-empty lobby of a large skyscraper and walks to the security desk)

Coworker: Hello, I’m with -------- and was told to – (Swallows loudly) come in today.

Security Guard: (Checking the computer) Oh yeah, we’ve had a rush for that company this morning; you’re the second guest so far.

Coworker: …Wow.

Security Guard: Yeah, it’s been nuts – ID please.  (Coworker hands over a driver license and company badge) That’s good you still have this: I can reinstate your access, but it’s only valid for 30 days.

Coworker: That’s OK; one will do.

Security Guard: (Chuckles) I know, right?  Once they figure out how we can do remote security, I’ll be all over that, let me tell you.  (Hands back the items) All set: still on the 39^th floor, but half of it’s been closed off for a long time, so watch out for the ghosts, wooooo!  (Wiggles fingers spookily; Coworker stares in fear; Security Guard lowers hands) A lot of stuff up there’s falling apart from neglect, so just be careful.

Coworker: Oh–OK–thanks.  (Rushes to the elevator bank)

Security Guard: (Turns to see someone approaching from the main entrance) Another one?  This is the most excitement I’ve had in years.

(The elevator doors open to a bleak hallway with minimal lighting; Coworker trots quickly to the other end and uses the badge to open the office door.  The main section has a large open area where many desks clearly were removed, leaving their imprints on the carpet; a few remaining desks are bunched together in a far corner.  Coworker stares at the empty space that is poorly lit and full of dust as a tumbleweed rolls by)

Coworker: (Starts walking toward the desks) Helloooo?!  (In a small voice) And I was never seen again…. (Jumps as a phone on one of the desks rings, echoing throughout the open space, then looks around) Anyone gonna get that?  (The rings eventually stop) Guess not.

(A door creakily opens, showing a room filled with light and a silhouette in the center; Coworker spins around at the noise and faces the silhouette approaching)

Coworker: (Softly) Oh noooo….

(The silhouette resolves into a human figure)

Supervisor 1: Oh hey – here for the audit?

Coworker: …Yes.

Supervisor 1: Guess you didn’t get the e-mail either, huh?

Coworker: If it was sent this morning, I can’t check e-mail while I’m… commuting.  (Involuntarily shudders at the word)

Supervisor 1: (Sits at the desk that had the ringing phone) Heh, I’m sure that was a lot of fun – traffic as bad as it was when you last were here?  Probably worse, I bet.

Coworker: I’m trying to expunge the memory – are you telling me in an extremely roundabout way that the audit’s been cancelled?

Supervisor 1: Oh no, it’s still going on today.  They just figured that it didn’t need to be in-person after all, since, well – (Gestures at the cavern surrounding them) look at the place.

Coworker: (Flings away a passing cobweb) I have.

Supervisor 1: So, yeah: all the files they need to review are saved on the server anyway, and clearly nobody cares about the working conditions for the three of us saps still here, so like everything else, they’re doing it virtually.

Coworker: (Stares at Supervisor 1) So I could’ve stayed home this whole time?!

Supervisor 1: Yep.  Hope the company’s paying for your trip in.

Coworker: It’s not!

Supervisor 1: Yeah, me neither.  (Peers at a figure emerging from the office door) Oh hey – here for the audit?

Manager 2: Yeah.

Supervisor 1: Virtual now.

Manager 2: Blast.  (Turns to leave)

Supervisor 1: (Stands) Hey, wait – (Manager 2 turns back) you all can use the computers here for that, you know.

Manager 2: Oh.  Right; with the sudden upheaval, I forgot.

Supervisor 1: Yeah, I mean, this is an office, that’s what we do.  And since now a few of you are here…. (Walks to the other door and leans in) You recovered yet?

Manager 3: (Comes out of the room while holding an icepack to the head) Almost: the fumes and other drivers are lingering still.

Supervisor 1: (To the group) I’ll set you all up for a teleconference and you can do your thing at the desks here.  (Rubs hands together in glee) This is exciting: we haven’t had anybody besides us in years!  (Opens the door again and sticks head into the room) We have more company!

(Two others come out of the room)

Supervisor 2: (Claps hands and jumps up and down in joy) Colleagues!  Coworkers!  It’s been so long!  You want coffee?  I’ll get you coffee.  (Runs back into the room)

Supervisor 3: As you can see, it’s been ages since we’ve interacted with others besides ourselves here.

Coworker: (Sitting down at a desk prepped by Supervisor 1) It’s so odd – I figured whoever was left here was having the social interaction we’re supposed to need, but instead you seem so isolated while with all the meetings and phone calls I have at home, I don’t feel cut off from the world one bit.

Supervisor 1: (Stops prepping the other desks for Manager 2 and Manager 3 to sweep an arm taking in the barren office wasteland) As you can guess, the irony is not lost on any of us here.

Story 456: Did Not Expect This Meeting to Go in That Direction

(In a private office, Manager sits at the desk straightening random pieces of paper when there is a knock on the door)

Manager: Come on in!  (Employee enters with a swagger) Have a seat!  (Manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk)

Employee: Thanks.  (Strolls over to the chair and sits extremely casually)

Manager: So!  (Folds hands on the desk) You’re probably wondering why I asked that we meet today.

Employee: (Glances to the left of Manager while resting an arm on the back of the chair) Well, since there’s an H.R. rep. joining us –

H.R. Rep.: (Standing to the left of Manager) Howdy.

Employee: – I assume it’s about the supervisor position I applied for.

Manager: Oh yeah, everyone applied for that – if I wasn’t already as far as I could go in this piddling department, I’d’ve applied for it myself, heh-heh-heh.

Employee: Heh-heh, yeeeeaaaahhh…. (Checks fingernails and sighs in contentment) Soooo…?

Manager: Hm?  Oh, right: as you probably guessed by now, you didn’t get it.

Employee: (Jaw drops open and everything droops) What?!  Why not?!

Manager: I’m not legally obligated to tell you that.

Employee: Then as a favor from one human being to another!  I meet all the requirements for the job, I’ve been with the company for over 15 years, I even work overtime without being asked – what else could you all possibly be looking for that I don’t already have?!

Manager: Well….

H.R. Rep.: Allow me to step in here.

Manager: (Relieved) Please do.

H.R. Rep.: (Steps closer to Employee, who instinctively leans back in the chair) Frankly, it’s not us or the position requirements: it’s you.

Employee: (Blinks a few times) I don’t follow.

H.R. Rep.: This new role would have you supervising 20 of your current coworkers and, to be blunt, none of them like you.

Employee: That’s ridiculous!  I get along with everybody!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults a tablet) There’ve been several complaints lodged against you in the past few years –

Employee: Which were resolved amicably and we all work together splendidly now!  Some of my best friends are my coworkers!

H.R. Rep.: There’s a complaint currently in progress that was lodged right before you applied for the new position.

Employee: That one’s just being a pill – I should be the one lodging a complaint against… what’s-their-name, for wasting my time!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You’ve also been written up at regular intervals for “inappropriate use of company equipment.”

Employee: What on Earth does that even mean?!

H.R. Rep.: Using the company’s Wi-Fi network to check your social media accounts and shop online.

Employee: Oh.  Well, when else am I supposed to do all that when I’m always working overtime?!

Manager: (Leans forward) No one asked you to!

Employee: (Leans forward) I’M A GOOD TEAM PLAYER!

H.R. Rep.: Speaking of which – (Consults the tablet again) you’ve been noted on several annual evaluations to basically leave coworkers on group projects to do your work in addition to theirs while you go off on frequent vacations or say you’re too busy doing what turns out to be lower priority tasks.

Employee: …It was just that one time!

Manager: It’s been every time!

Employee: (Points finger at Manager) Listen: I am extremely busy, I have so many plates in the air, who are you to tell me – (Points finger at self) what’s “high” and “low” priority?!

Manager: As your manager, it is literally my job to tell you what to do!

Employee: (Raises an eyebrow and leans back again while muttering) Pushy.

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You also –

Employee: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to anyway: if you’re just going to list my supposed sins and go on about how suddenly no one wants to work with me, with the bottom line being I’m still not getting the position, then I have better things to do right now and a concert ticket sale for which I am losing my spot in the queue with every passing second!

H.R. Rep.: (Shares a look with Manager) Yeah, the other part of this meeting is: the new position requires more from the department’s budget, so we have to cut a full-time employee to make up for that and decided you’re it.

Employee: (Glares at both of them for several moments) Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Manager: (Stands; Employee does the same) You’ll have two weeks to finish up any outstanding projects and leave notes for all the others who have to pick up whatever slack you haven’t already left them, so don’t spend that time – (Leans over to read from the tablet H.R. Rep. holds out) catfishing people on dating sites, or running your online poker tournament, or cyberbullying the temps into doing your monthly reports for you!

Employee: (Sneers at both while heading to the door) Oh, you know I’m gonna!

H.R. Rep.: Well that certainly makes this decision much easier – we may need to have Security escort you out, then.

Employee: Good, I need the excitement in my life!

H.R. Rep.: Oh, and one more thing –

Employee: (Hand on the doorknob) What now?!

H.R. Rep.: As you're still technically a current employee, I’m required to wish you a Happy Labor Day Weekend.

Employee: …Yeah, you too.

Story 347: I Wish I Were in a Love Triangle

            (In a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms, folding clothes to reshelve)

          Associate 1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly – just sayin’.

            (Associate 2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)

            Associate 2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these?  I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash guards.   (Stares at the mountain in the cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.

            Associate 1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them here we can pull from that.

          Associate 2: Sweet – thanks.  (Grabs an unwieldy bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort as they go)

            Associate 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when I clocked in for work this afternoon?

            Associate 2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?

            Associate 1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.

            Associate 2: True – continue.

            Associate 1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly 10 years ago today.

          Associate 2: Aw, congratulations!  Too bad they stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins and giving the extra days off and –

            Associate 1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.

            Associate 2: Sorry.

          Associate 1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is meaningless outside of itself.  My one regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.

        Associate 2: Really?  What about the one in Lingerie, around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?

         Associate 1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere.  And it was four years ago.

           Associate 2: Oh.  Oh right, that was around when the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.

            Associate 1: Yes, good times.

            Associate 2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then?  Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to be working, and then when you break up?  `Cause you just know you’ll break up.

            Associate 1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole retail work experience.  I need something to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting all these folded and put away in an orderly manner.  I need emotional fulfillment in my life!

            Associate 2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.

         Associate 1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.

            Associate 2: That I do.

          Associate 1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling – I want a love triangle.

           Associate 2: Ha!  Now you’re getting greedy – you haven’t even got one person, and now you want two?  Weirdo.

          Associate 1: Exactly!  I want it all!  I want the drama!  I want the tender explosive passion!  I want two separate people constantly telling me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious returns!

            Associate 2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.  Got anyone in mind?

            Associate 1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.

         Associate 2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling eyebrows, eh?

            Associate 1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.

            Associate 2: Oh.  So, do you like them?  As in, middle-school-crush like?

           Associate 1: They’re all right, I guess.  Suppose they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty contests, if you catch my drift.

            Associate 2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?

        Associate 1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics!

            Associate 2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their job titles?  Do you know anything about their personal lives?  Whether they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the supermarket, for instance?

            Associate 1: Who cares about all that?  This is a workplace romance!

            Associate 2: Let me know how that turns out.

ONE WEEK LATER

         (Associate 1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)

            Security Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?

           Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely – thank you so much for always asking!  You’re so thoughtful and protective of me.  (Bats some more)

            Security Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds.  See you later.  (Leaves)

            Associate 1: I’ll be here!  Oh wait, I clock out in half an hour, drat.

          Associate 2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for your “triangle”?

           Associate 1: What do you mean?  Didn’t you sense the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!

            Associate 2: No.

            Associate 1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other half.  (Pulls Associate 2 over to Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging hormones of love!

            Associate 2: Ummm….

            Associate 1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?

        Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking on how your day is going?  (Bats eyelashes)

          Assistant Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going?  (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)

            Associate 2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –

           Associate 1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came by just now to make sure I was all right.

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago.  Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything missing in yours lately?

           Associate 1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped part of the countertop) Always.

          Assistant Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad.  (Sees a customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me.  (Leaves the counter and walks with the customer to the next aisle over)

            Associate 1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!

            Associate 2: What?

            Associate 1: The volcanic jealousy!

            Associate 2: Wow.

            Associate 1: Exactly!  When I mentioned my other lover –

            Associate 2: Ugh.

          Associate 1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!

            Associate 2: If you say so.

           Associate 1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work now!  I have given my heart completely to both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!

            Associate 2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?

         Associate 1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming feelings!  The all-consuming love I have for them!  The all-consuming love they have for me!  The all-consuming hatred they have for each other!  How wonderful life is!

            Associate 2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.

            Associate 1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?