(At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)
Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh. (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)
Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?
Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks. (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?
Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could. (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?
Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute! I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?
Guest 3: A mystery for the ages. I only wish I had that power.
Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?
Guest 3: Yes. (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.
Guest 1: Wow. (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either. Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.
(Both yawn simultaneously)
Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone. And I was an English major, too.
Guest 1: Alas. (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?
Guest 3: One way to find out. (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure. (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.
Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.
Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.
Guest 1: Huh, is that all? (Ball bounces off head)
Guest 3: Should be. I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally. (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!
(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)
Guest 1: But I
never got my appetizers....
THAT NIGHT
(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)
Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it. (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything. (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes! 11:53 p.m. You can do this, champ! (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.
Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!
Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-
Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!
Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –
Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!
Guest 1: Purring! That must be the secret! (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that. (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59 That oughta do it.
Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Guest 1: (Curls
up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(In an office cubicle)
Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump. (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)
Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody! Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!
(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)
Guest 1: (Eyes
still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the
center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….
ONE HOUR LATER
Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!
Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh? What?
Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!
Guest 1: I was?... I was! It worked, yessss!!!! (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)
Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.
Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..
Coworker: I envy you. (Leaves)
Guest 1:
(Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(At a church)
Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….
Guest 1:
(Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue. (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone
else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along
the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….
………………………………………………………………………………………
Preacher: Excuse me?
Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –
Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?
Guest 1: (Looks
around the now-empty church) Ah.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)
Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi! Thank you everyone who could be here today!
Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock! We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!
Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)
Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…? Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.
(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)
Guest 1: (Suddenly
rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane! (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone
in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I
didn’t make it into the video.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)
Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go. (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting. (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)
Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.
Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.
Guest 1: If what was true?
Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.
Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm. (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.
Guest 3: So I see.
Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)
Guest 3: By all means.
Guest 1: Sweet. (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)
Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?