Story 394: Accidental Super-Vision

 (In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)

Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –

Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!

Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –

Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?

Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.

Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?

Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening.  (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.

Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)

Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?

Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.

Employee: A multivitamin?

Patient: Yes!  That one.  Specifically for this.  (Hands over the list)

Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.

Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?

Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.

Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!

Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?

Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)

Coworker: Hey.

Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.

Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago?  `Cause I really needed it two days ago.  I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.

Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.

Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?

Patient: What?!  No!

Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.

Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?

Coworker: Everything’s different every day.

Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?

Coworker: I’m color blind.

Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more.  Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.

Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?

Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes!  That is exactly what I’m seeing!  I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –

Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory!  I think – it’s a little unprecedented.

Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.

Coworker: Are you on something?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, just some vitamins.  (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?

Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong!  It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!

Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?

Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!

Patient: What’re you talking about?  It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get.  (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)

Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!

Patient: Oh.  I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.

Coworker: Three at a – ?!  If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!

Patient: Oh.  Well, math never was my strong suit.  (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!

Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!

Patient: What for?  A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything!  And I do mean everything.  (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak?   A lot more than 0.

Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!

Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this.  (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.

Coworker: This is the only idea!

Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.

Coworker: …What?!

Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.

Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?

Patient: Oh right, sure!  (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though.  Oh, and before you go?

Coworker: Yes?

Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!

Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.

Patient: Sweet!  Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 391: I Only Want to Buy Some Flowers

 “Happy Mother’s Day!” Friend 1 beamed, handing over a flat of 18 multi-color pansies.

“Oh hon, they’re lovely!” Mom also beamed, admiring the pretty flowers.  “I’ll plant them today!  Thank you so much – I know it’s starting to get past their season, did you have a hard time finding these?”

“Oh, they were no trouble….”

 THE PREVIOUS DAY

 “HELP!”  Friend 1 screeched into the phone.

Friend 2 winced, momentarily holding the phone away: “You sound extremely agitated, so I’m assuming this isn’t too serious.  Help with what?”

“Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and I’m at the store with all the plants and stuff – ”

“A nursery?”

“I guess; that always sounds like a place to shop for babies, though.”

“That’s `cause you’re a weirdo.”

“Anyway, I’m at the transplanted-plant-place and I looked all over the joint five times with a huge cart hitting everything and everyone every time I turn a corner and I can’t find them anywhere!”

“Can’t find what?”

“Oh sorry, thought I said – pansies!”

“Did you ask anyone there for help?”

“They look busy!”

“They want to make money through actual sales, though.”

“It’s too embarrassing to ask now, they’ve seen me pass by 15 times!”

“All right, do you know what pansies look like?”

“Of course I do!”

“….”

“I looked up pictures online before I came here, OK!”

“Another reason to give thanks for technology.”

“Yes-yes, for the clueless people like me!  And I’ve gone around this whole indoor-outdoor set-up 30 times, and I thought I saw them a bunch of times but no, those were petunias, and everywhere I look there’re petunias, and I’m surrounded by petunias, and I don’t need petunias, I need pansies!”

Friend 2 heard a voice in the distance on the other end of the call: “We have some pansies right here, actually.”

“That is one dinky pot that looks like it’s going to fall over and be reabsorbed into the ground at any moment!  I need a flat!  Which I assume means more than one plant!”

“Oh yeah, we usually carry them in sets of 18, but we’re sold out of ones with pansies right now.”

Friend 2 heard a roar begin to grow and interjected: “Listen, if you want to come by I’ll take you to the nursery where I usually get plants, all right?”

“That – !  Sounds wonderful, thank you, bye.”

An hour later, Friend 1’s car arrived at Friend 2’s house; Friend 2 entered the passenger side and saw Friend 1 was covered in dirt and leaves.

“Did you get in a fight there or something?” Friend 2 asked as they drove away.

“I may have gotten a bit turned around in Shrubs and Baby Trees.”

They arrived at another local nursery and parked at the very back of the lot.

“Good, it’s not too crowded right now,” Friend 2 said as they both exited the car.  “And if you just need the one flat then don’t bother with a cart; I’ll carry it while you pay.”

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me right now.”

As they entered the fringes of the nursery, a busload of horticultural enthusiasts and 40 more cars of panicky last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers arrived and dispersed their contents throughout the property.

Friend 1 tugged on Friend 2’s sleeve: “People!  People!  I’m gettin’ antsy!”

Friend 2 continued scanning the displays: “Calm down, we won’t be here for that long – excuse me?”  An employee with an armful of potting soil bags was stopped.  “Do you have flats of pansies here?”

“Oh yeah, they’re down that way,” the employee head-tilted toward the far end of the outside portion of the nursery as a walkie-talkie burst with static: “Are you coming here with that soil or what?!  I’ve got 500 customers on a line that’s stretched out to the highway, and I’m never gonna get to go on break today, never!”  The employee stress-grinned at Friend 2: “Sorry, I’ve gotta go – ” head-tilted toward the cash register section.

“Understood.”

Friend 1 glared at Friend 2: “While I admire your initiative, a vague direction in a sea of leaves and petals is hardly helpful.”

“It’s better than wandering around out here for the next half-hour with nothing to show for it – come on.”

They followed the winding paths through roses, hydrangeas, and willows, searching for the tell-tale bright colors with faces peeking through the petals.

Spinning around in a circle, Friend 1 wailed “I don’t see them!” before suddenly sitting down on a brick pathway in the middle of the tomato plants.

Friend 2 surveyed the area with narrowed eyes: “Yes, this appears not to be the category of flora we’re looking for.”

“I told you they’re too busy to ask – we got sent the wrong way in a panic!”

Friend 2 grabbed Friend 1’s arm and lifted, walking them back to the main entrance: “So, we’ll just ask someone else for help.”

“NO!” Friend 1 began to run through thorny bushes toward the parking lot.  “I won’t be sucked into this horrible snare of displaced Nature any farther!  I’m going to buy a cake or a bag of coffee or a spatula instead, anything to get me out of this fake forest biome, Mom’ll understand!”

Friend 2 grabbed the back of Friend 1’s shirt and pointed to a display next to the greenhouse they were passing: “The pansy flats are right there.”

Friend 1 blinked down at the flowers: “Well, whaddya know.”

They scooped up the booty and stood on line for 45 minutes.

“You know,” Friend 2 said while shifting the flat again to a more comfortable position, “this experience wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t waited until the day before Mother’s Day to buy the #1 gift for mothers.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Friend 1 said, staring at the register in the far distance.

“How so?”

“Could’ve been day of.”

Eventually, they reached the counter and the cashier rang them up: “That’ll be $89.03, please.”

“For a flat of $1 flowers?!”  Friend 2 nearly dropped said flat.

“No,” the cashier said as Friend 1 shifted to the side, “there’re also all these.”  The cashier gestured to the lawn gnomes, bird houses, and garden spinners piled onto the counter.

It was Friend 2’s turn to glare as Friend 1 said, “Hey, they don’t call them impulse buys for nothing.”

“Then you can certainly impulse buy and impulse carry them to the car!”

They dumped everything into Friend 1’s car and slowly entered the stream of traffic exiting the parking lot.

“This is why I never do errands on weekends!” Friend 1 shouted out the window while leaning on the horn.  “Mom’d better appreciate the sacrifices I make for her!  The ordeals I go through for one lousy plant – !”  Friend 2 took Friend 1’s hand off the horn.

“Remind me to not join you next time you need to buy a plant present.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all figured out now,” Friend 1 said through gritted teeth while nearly hitting a cherub statue and several trellises: “EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL!!!”

 THE FOLLOWING DAY

Friend 1’s smile at Mom widened.

“No trouble at all.”

Story 390: Living With The Giant Ball of Fur

 My life is ruled by The Giant Ball of Fur.

It is there when I wake in the morning.

It is there when I sleep at night.

The very air is saturated with it – I believe a fine layer coats the inside of my lungs.

Every article of clothing I own bears its traces.

On top of the dust, every piece of furniture in my home is covered with it.

The Giant Ball of Fur consumes my life.

It has even consumed the bathtub.

At 3:00 in the morning, The Giant Ball of Fur noisily swarms the bedroom, destroying the blankets and invading my face.

After vacuuming and sweeping the floors for hours, The Giant Ball of Fur reclaims its territory with a vengeance.

I express my displeasure; The Giant Ball of Fur rolls on its merry way, unaffected by the destruction in its wake.

After a rough day, The Giant Ball of Fur surges onto my lap and smothers me with affection.

There is no resistance – The Giant Ball of Fur has won.

Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 388: The Perils of Acting With a Friend

 (Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)

Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.

Actor 2: Awwww.  Sounds boring – bye.

Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands.  You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.

Actor 2: I’m still a stud!  (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.

Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so.  Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –

Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.

Actor 1: What was your secret?  Body spray?  Piercing contact lenses?  Listening?

Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles. 

Actor 1: What?

Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar.  Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.

Actor 1: Seriously?  That’s all it took?

Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah.  With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream.  And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.

Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?

Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me.  Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow.  Go me.

Actor 1: Good for you.  Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye!  (Disconnects the call)

Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.

 ONE YEAR LATER

 Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.

Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about.  I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.

Actor 1: Thanks.  So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –

Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.

Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!

Actor 2: ….

Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.

Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.

Actor 1: How’s that?

Actor 2: I’m your costar.

Actor 1: Oh.  I see.  Well, this is awkward.  Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.

Actor 2: What?!  Why do I have to drop out?!

Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.

Actor 2: No way!  I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!

Actor 1: Unacceptable!  And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!

Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.

Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!

Actor 2: Ewwwwww!   Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!

Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.

Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!

Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted.  You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!

Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)

Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?

Actor 1: No.

Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.

Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.

Actor 1: Awesome.

Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers!  Get on the bed.

(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)

Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?

Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.

Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.

Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?

Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.

Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult.  Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.

Actor 2: Sure.  (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you.  My love.”

Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”

(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)

Actor 2: Ow!  That was my shin!

Actor 1: Sorry!  Maybe if I go over here….

Actor 2: Ow!  My other shin!

Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?

Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!

Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!

Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?

Actor 2: No!

Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us!  Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!

Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!

Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?

Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try.  (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)

Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.

Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!

Actor 1: After all that?!

Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!

Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.

Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?

Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms!  (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.

Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say.  (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?

Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.

Story 387: If You’re Going to Be Volunteered, Then Volunteer First

 (In a department store breakroom, two coworkers sit around a long table)

Coworker 1: (Reading an article in a magazine while eating lunch; to Coworker 2) Hey – did you know that ---- ---- has been married for over 20 years and has two kids?

Coworker 2: (Does not look up from reading an article on a cell phone) Yeah, everyone knows that.

Coworker 1: Well, clearly, not everyone knows that.  I always thought this one was single and living the life.

Coworker 2: They are living the life, just not in everyone else’s business.  Must be hard, but managed it somehow.

Coworker 1: Huh…. Wonder if I could ever manage to block out all the paparazzi and adoring fans if I were ever famous?

Coworker 2: I doubt it.  You like attention too much.

Coworker 1: That I do.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: Right, we don’t have time to schedule a store meeting and no one ever joined our online group, so I have to run around telling everyone in-person: starting tomorrow, everyone’s being cross-trained to work at the food counter and you all have to volunteer for at least one shift a week there, indefinitely, until you either leave the company or we go out of business.

Coworker 1: WHAT?!

Coworker 2: I’ll take Monday mid-shifts.

Manager: (Writes on a clipboard) Great – the training schedule’ll be posted later today and the shifts start next week, byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: What was that all about?!

Coworker 2: (Back to the phone) You know how short they’ve been in that department lately, and the retention rate’s terrible; I figured it was only a matter of time before they’d starting pulling from our pool to staff it.

Coworker 1: But why don’t they just hire more people and pay better?

(Coworker 2 looks up at Coworker 1 and both laugh hysterically)

Coworker 1: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Coworker 2: Yeah, what year do you think this is, 1997?

Coworker 1: My teenaged brain and middle-aged body wish it was.  So, what, now we all have to learn how to make up sandwiches and whip up drinks and bake up cookies for a picky and ungrateful public?  That’s not what I applied here to do; explaining basic electronics to noobs and working out complicated transactions that’ll be returned later and watching out for sticky fingers across 10 aisles of merchandise is already above and beyond!

Coworker 2: I hear ya – you think I want to be responsible for handling food and the accompanying mess when I’m perfectly fine sorting clothes and being someone’s personal shopper 50 hours a week?

Coworker 1: So why’d you volunteer immediately then?  If you’d spoken up any faster, it’d’ve travelled back in time!

Coworker 2: `Cause I knew if I didn’t pick a shift, it’d be picked for me and I’d get stuck with a Sunday morning or – (Shudders) Saturday night.

Coworker 1: (Sympathy shudders) So why Monday mid-shift?

Coworker 2: Studies have shown that that’s one of the least busy restaurant and retail times of the week: hardly anyone goes out to shop and eat then, and the shift’ll end by early evening before the dinner crowd really shows up.

Coworker 1: Ooh.  That’s sneaky.

Coworker 2: (Starts reading on the phone again) Gotta do what’s best for you – with any luck, I can spend the least three quarters of the time straightening already-straightened inventory, and wiping up imaginary dirt.

Coworker 1: Wow.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) OK-schedule’s-not-finalized-yet-but-I-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-that-with-your-availability-it-looks-like-you’ll-be-at-the-food-counter-during-your-Saturday-night-shifts-and-maybe-Friday-nights-too-OK-byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the closed door in shock) Did I just get volunteered?  In the worst shifts?!

Coworker 2: (Stares at the cell phone) Bummer – only way to get out of that now is to do so badly they’ll have you work anywhere else but there.  That’s my Plan B, so don’t do it right away.

Story 386: A New Account

(Background: I had written this for a short story contest and then realized I had misread one of the prompts and had to scramble to revise it before the deadline (which is probably why I didn’t advance to the next round) – I prefer this version over the one I submitted)

Cheryl would barely glance up every time a customer walked through the bank’s main entrance, but the one who just now came in gave her an unreasonable dread in the pit of her stomach.  There was nothing that stood out about this individual – face, hair, clothes, and shoes at first glance were all “normal” – but as he purposefully strode to sit in the waiting area there was an undefinable something that seemed a bit… off.

She thought back to the last time the bank had been robbed and all the training videos the employees had to sit through, but this customer did not quite line up with those scenarios so she felt unjustified in slamming the panic button – yet.

The customer was the only one seated in the waiting area and Cheryl was the only bank officer available, so she added her doubts to her all-day blistering headache as things to ignore, walked over to him, and smiled: “Hello!  My name is Cheryl – I can help you right over here.”  She held an arm out toward her desk.

The customer looked up at her and she immediately catalogued his sickly pale face, stringy hair, and a whiff of something that her unconscious brain screamed “SULFUR!”  But I wouldn’t know what sulfur smelled like unless it was pointed out to me, her conscious brain countered.  Her unconscious brain persisted in its decision as she led the customer to sit in the chair next to her desk as she sat in hers.

Wanting to speed this along, she immediately began working on the bank database instead of taking her usual 90 seconds to actually look the customer in the eye while she obtained some basic info: “So, what can we do for you today?”  Type-type-type-type-

“Well,” the customer said while dropping a heavy bag onto the desk, making Cheryl jump slightly in her seat.  “I’d like to make a deposit.”

“Oh?”  I’d bet all the coins I just heard jingling around in there that that bag didn’t exist until this moment.

“Yeah.  Actually, I guess what I really want is to open a savings account.  For all of this.”  The customer patted the bag, making the coins jingle some more.

“Oh.  OK.”  Cheryl settled into the familiar routine of creating a new account.  “If I may ask, is this from an inheritance?”

The customer chuckled in a way that Cheryl did not like at all: “You probably could call it that.”

Oh no, I’m smelling – SULFUR! – felony.  She stopped typing.  “Before we go any further, could I see some form of ID, please?  Driver’s license, passport photo, permanent resident card?”

“Oh, sure, um….” The customer patted a few pockets, then pulled out a paper driver’s license that had been taped up multiple times.

Cheryl stared at it for a few moments, then waited for her heart to start beating again before saying: “This expired….”

“Really?  Oh, shoot.”

“Almost 80 years ago.”

The customer looked thoughtful for a moment, then reached over to take back the license and stare at it.  “Has it been that long already?  Huh.  Time sure does fly no matter where you are in life, am-I-right?”

Mentally holding onto the evidence of fraud, Cheryl unobtrusively pressed the panic button while tamping down the internal panic as she realized no other employees or customers were within her line of sight.  “So – ” she had to clear her throat, “um, do you have any other forms of ID on you?”

“Nah, that was the last one I had.  Here, let me give you some of the backstory so you can help me figure out what’s the best type of account I can get for these beauties.”  The customer hugged the bag lovingly.

Cheryl tapped the button a few more times: “OK.”

“Sweet.  So, I came back from The War all messed up with what I saw over there – let me back up a bit: when I was over there, I was an ambulance driver and had to ferry soldiers and civilians who were shot up or blown up or ripped up or whatever up to the field hospital, and if I managed to get one in 50 of them there in time to be saved it was a miracle, know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah.  Rest of `em went to Charon the Ferryman, and I got sick of it.  I mean, here I am, busting my behind driving people through literal hell trying to save them, and in the end that guy gets `em anyway AND the coin payment to boot.  For doing what, exactly?”

“…Ferrying them across the River Styx to the Underworld?”

The driver scoffed: “Big deal: a river with no currents, or even any other boats; easiest job ever.  Ferrying them across a river filled with mines, bullets whizzing past your head, bombs exploding all around you, and your passengers screaming in agony and begging you to help them, THEN he’d have a case.  So I came back from The War and figured, why not get a little of my own back?  I deserved it.”

Cheryl’s throat could not get any drier: “How so?”

“Well, when you’re in the middle of all that death – you never served in the military, right?  I’m not preaching to choir, as the saying goes?”

“No.”

“`K.  So when you’re in the middle of all that death and pain and terror, it changes you, and usually not for the better.  And I figured, if people’re gonna die no matter what anyone does, why shouldn’t I get a little something for, you know, helping them along?”

Cheryl gulped: “‘Helping them along?’”

“Right.  So, instead of letting Charon get all the reward, I figured I’d cut him off at the pass, so to speak.”  The driver started to open the bag.  “Get `em while they’re fresh, and instead of them having to wait around for whenever his nibs and ferry decide to show up, I give `em an express ride to the afterlife and keep the coins myself.  It’s worked out beautifully, and somehow adds zero mileage to my car – I only get a few out of the thousands who die every day, but it’s enough that guy’s sooooo miffed at the drop in business.  Too bad you got competition after millennia of monopoly, pal!”  The driver laughed hysterically while burying his hands in the bag of coins, too many to count.

All Cheryl could do was stare at the bursting bag while her head pounded; the driver suddenly yanked his hands out of the bag and checked his wristwatch.

“Ooh, look at me rambling on here – sorry, it’s been so long since I could really talk to anybody about all this, you know?”  Cheryl looked back up at his waxen face.  “Anyway, we’ve only got a little time left so I was hoping I could get your advice before we go.”

“‘Go?’”

“Well yeah, that brain aneurysm’s gonna get you in about five minutes, and I gotta get you first or else you’ll go straight to Charon and then where’ll my cut be?”

The bank’s walls constricted around Cheryl’s unbearably painful head and she could no longer feel her extremities.  The driver leaned closer to her.

“So I gotta ask you – ”

The scent of sulfur nearly overwhelmed all of Cheryl’s senses; from a distance through her tunnel vision, she heard:

“You recommend money market or high-yield?”