(In a department store breakroom, two coworkers sit around a long table)
Coworker 1: (Reading an article in a magazine while eating lunch; to Coworker 2) Hey – did you know that ---- ---- has been married for over 20 years and has two kids?
Coworker 2: (Does not look up from reading an article on a cell phone) Yeah, everyone knows that.
Coworker 1: Well, clearly, not everyone knows that. I always thought this one was single and living the life.
Coworker 2: They are living the life, just not in everyone else’s business. Must be hard, but managed it somehow.
Coworker 1: Huh…. Wonder if I could ever manage to block out all the paparazzi and adoring fans if I were ever famous?
Coworker 2: I doubt it. You like attention too much.
Coworker 1: That I do.
(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)
Manager: Right, we don’t have time to schedule a store meeting and no one ever joined our online group, so I have to run around telling everyone in-person: starting tomorrow, everyone’s being cross-trained to work at the food counter and you all have to volunteer for at least one shift a week there, indefinitely, until you either leave the company or we go out of business.
Coworker 1: WHAT?!
Coworker 2: I’ll take Monday mid-shifts.
Manager: (Writes on a clipboard) Great – the training schedule’ll be posted later today and the shifts start next week, byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)
Coworker 1: What was that all about?!
Coworker 2: (Back to the phone) You know how short they’ve been in that department lately, and the retention rate’s terrible; I figured it was only a matter of time before they’d starting pulling from our pool to staff it.
Coworker 1: But why don’t they just hire more people and pay better?
(Coworker 2 looks up at Coworker 1 and both laugh hysterically)
Coworker 1: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.
Coworker 2: Yeah, what year do you think this is, 1997?
Coworker 1: My teenaged brain and middle-aged body wish it was. So, what, now we all have to learn how to make up sandwiches and whip up drinks and bake up cookies for a picky and ungrateful public? That’s not what I applied here to do; explaining basic electronics to noobs and working out complicated transactions that’ll be returned later and watching out for sticky fingers across 10 aisles of merchandise is already above and beyond!
Coworker 2: I hear ya – you think I want to be responsible for handling food and the accompanying mess when I’m perfectly fine sorting clothes and being someone’s personal shopper 50 hours a week?
Coworker 1: So why’d you volunteer immediately then? If you’d spoken up any faster, it’d’ve travelled back in time!
Coworker 2: `Cause I knew if I didn’t pick a shift, it’d be picked for me and I’d get stuck with a Sunday morning or – (Shudders) Saturday night.
Coworker 1: (Sympathy shudders) So why Monday mid-shift?
Coworker 2: Studies have shown that that’s one of the least busy restaurant and retail times of the week: hardly anyone goes out to shop and eat then, and the shift’ll end by early evening before the dinner crowd really shows up.
Coworker 1: Ooh. That’s sneaky.
Coworker 2: (Starts reading on the phone again) Gotta do what’s best for you – with any luck, I can spend the least three quarters of the time straightening already-straightened inventory, and wiping up imaginary dirt.
Coworker 1: Wow.
(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)
Manager: (To Coworker 1) OK-schedule’s-not-finalized-yet-but-I-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-that-with-your-availability-it-looks-like-you’ll-be-at-the-food-counter-during-your-Saturday-night-shifts-and-maybe-Friday-nights-too-OK-byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)
Coworker 1: (Stares at the closed door in shock) Did I just get volunteered? In the worst shifts?!
Coworker 2: (Stares at the cell phone) Bummer – only way to get out of that now is to do so badly they’ll have you work anywhere else but there. That’s my Plan B, so don’t do it right away.
