Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.