Story 657: What Would You Do If You Won the Lottery?

           (In a diner, Friend 1 is seated in a booth and slowly flipping through a book-long menu)

Friend 1: (Stopping on a page) I wonder what they’d do if someone actually ordered the Surf & Turf Special…?

(Friend 2 hurriedly slides into the opposite booth)

Friend 2: Hi – sorry I’m late; lost track of time.

Friend 1: (Closing the menu) Heh, that’s usually my line.

Friend 2: (Rummaging through pockets) Yeah, I was at the supermarket and took longer than I thought picking out something.

Friend 1: Was it between apples and cookies?  That decision gets me every time.

Friend 2: No – this.  (Pulls out two lottery scratch-off tickets and slams them down onto the middle of the table)

Friend 1: (Leans down to stare at the tickets for a few seconds, then looks back up at Friend 2) I’m confused – are you actually your evil twin?

Friend 2: That’s not a real question, but to answer the one you meant: yes, I decided to walk on the wild side for a few seconds of my life.

Friend 1: I see that – why?

Server: (Approaches the table) Hi, ready to order?

Friend 1: No, but if I ask you to come back in a few minutes you’ll have moved on to 50 other tables and we’ll see you in an hour instead, so I’ll have a soda and whatever the soup of the day is, please.

Server: Tomato Basil.

Friend 1: Again?

Server: If you’re here regularly enough, then yes.

Friend 1: …All right, I’ll take it.  Thank you.  (Hands the menu to Server)

Server: (Turns to Friend 2 while taking the menu and writing on a notepad) And for you?

Friend 2: I’ll have a chocolate malt and the Surf & Turf Special, please.  (Hands the menu to Server as Friend 1’s eyebrows jump up)

Server: (Takes the menu while still writing) And how’d you like the Turf cooked?

Friend 2: Rare, please.

Server: Options are medium or well-done.

Friend 2: Oh.  Medium then, please.

Server: (Nods while writing) Upgrade to sweet potato fries?

Friend 2: Sure, why not?

Server: $3 extra.

Friend 2: Oh.  Eh, sure, why not?  I mean – go for it!

Server: (Finishes writing) `K, everything’ll be out soon.  (Leaves for the kitchen)

Friend 1: OK, now I’m worried: are you dying or something?

Friend 2: Well, if you think about it, we’re all dying.  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) I just figured, once in a while, live a little, right?

Friend 1: (Holds up the scratch-off tickets) Wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with these, would it?

Friend 2: Oh right, those.  (Takes them back) Yeah, I was picking up the usual groceries, and I was passing the customer service counter when it suddenly hit me: I have never played the lottery in my entire life.

Friend 1: I doubt that; somebody would’ve given you one of those – (Points to the tickets) at some point, they’re the perfect non-gift gift.

Friend 2: The what?

Friend 1: You pay the money for someone to have a chance to win, and if they don’t it’s like you didn’t give them anything.  Either way, you’re still out 5 bucks.

Friend 2: Oh, yeah, I guess, but I never actually bought one for myself.  So, instead of the state lotto and all those ones where you have to pick your own numbers, since I might’ve changed my mind at that point, I went to the scratch-off machine and got the highest ones they had so if we win we’ll win big, and if we lose it’ll be more fun scratching off the designs than just checking rows of numbers.

Friend 1: OK.  “We”?

Friend 2: Yeah: one for you, one for me.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks.  How much do I owe you?

Friend 2: Forget it – you’re helping me feel less of a loser by playing these with me.

Friend 1: Oh… thanks?

Server: (Comes back with two drinks) Here you go.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Thanks.  (Each takes a glass)

Server: (To Friend 1) And soup of the day actually is French Onion – you still want it?

Friend 1: (After sipping the soda) Um… how much longer would it be if I changed to a burger instead?

Server: Past the time the Surf & Turf’ll be done.

Friend 1: French Onion it is, then.  (Server leaves) So, when’re you going to check the ticket, tonight?

Friend 2: Why not now?  (Takes out a wallet, opens a zippered compartment, removes a quarter, pockets the wallet, and starts scratching one of the tickets) You should do it now, too!  If you want.

Friend 1: No, I’ll wait till you’re done.  (Watches for a few seconds) So, what’ll you do if you win?

Friend 2: (Still scratching the ticket) Ha, probably put it toward groceries.

Friend 1: No, I mean big.  What if you win big, and literally win the lottery?

Friend 2: (Trails off scratching) Huh….

Friend 1: I mean, what’s the biggest prize on there?

Friend 2: A million.

Friend 1: Woo-whee!  Even with taxes taken out, that’s a nice chunk of change!  So what would you do if you actually won it?

Friend 2: (Looks off in thought) I don’t know… invest it, probably.

Friend 1: C’mon, I know you already have retirement funds and all that jazz – Future You’s all set.  This – (Picks up the other ticket and waves it in emphasis) is for Present You.  And once it gets out there that you won, all your fake relatives who didn’t exist until that moment will appear, looking for a slice of that cash pie, so I say, eat it all now before they get anywhere near it!

Friend 2: (Sets down the quarter) Well, really, I should save some of it –

Friend 1: Heck no!  If you didn’t already have a good job, good health insurance, and all that, I’d say yes, invest away.  You don’t have any major debts you haven’t told me about, do you?

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: Even better.  This – (Waves the ticket again) would be play money, and I say use it on whatever you want as fast as you can, `cause life’s too short and someone else’ll figure out a way to snatch this from you if you don’t spend it all first.

Friend 2: OK, what about you then?

Friend 1: What about me?

Friend 2: Yeah, what would you do if you won the lottery?

Friend 1: (Leans back, stares at the ticket fondly for a few moments, then stares wistfully into space) Retire.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: (Looks back at Friend 2) You think I want to spend my mid-life-to-golden-years still working in retail?  I’d dump it tomorrow if I could.

Friend 2: Sorry, it’s just – we’re nowhere near retirement age.

Friend 1: And we never will be at this rate.  You should retire, too – we could travel the world without worrying about all the e-mails waiting for us on the first Monday morning back.

Friend 2: Wait, two minutes ago you were telling me to keep my job’s salary and benefits and use this – (Waves the ticket) to play!

Friend 1: I’m modifying the scenario.  If I retire alone, I’ll get bored – who’ll I hang out with if all my friends are still stuck in the daily grind?

Friend 2: All right, fine, we retire – then what?  We can’t live on whatever the amount’ll be after taxes are taken out of $1 million; we probably couldn’t even retire on the full $1 million.

Friend 1: But if we combine the tickets, then it will be $2 million.

Friend 2: It’s still a million each.

Friend 1: Oh right.  (Looks at the ticket again) All right, forget the retirement.

Friend 2: For now?

Friend 1: If that makes you feel better.  (Taps the ticket against the table-top in thought) Maybe we’re going about this all wrong.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Maybe we really should just give it all away.

Friend 2: (Raises an eyebrow) You’re suggesting that?!

Friend 1: (Stops tapping) Think about it: nothing good ever comes from a sudden influx of that much money.  There are too many horror stories of people ruining their lives, and winding up as degenerates, and fending off all the fake relatives.

Friend 2: You already said that one.

Friend 1: Well, it’s worth repeating.  Those stories never have a happy ending, and everyone always winds up wishing they’d never bought the ticket in the first place.

Friend 2: I doubt everyone wishes that – those are just the bad stories you hear about.

Friend 1: And I don’t want to be one of them!

Friend 2: So, what, you want me to take the ticket back? (Holds out a hand)

Friend 1: (Holds the ticket closer as Friend 2 pulls back the hand) No, I just… think we should be smart about it so we don’t become another cautionary tale, that’s all.

Friend 2: OK, how about this: we win a million-ish dollars; we donate 99% of it to local food banks, community services, animal shelters, and the like; the remaining 1% we put toward trips to Iceland and New Zealand so we can say we almost travelled Pole-to-Pole and vertically half-circumnavigated the globe; how’s that sound?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then nods) Sounds like a plan.  (Fishes a quarter out of a pocket and holds it up) Ready?

Friend 2: Ready!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 lean over and scratch their tickets in a focused frenzy)

Server: (Arrives with a tray of plates, opens up a stand, and places the tray on it) OK, who ordered the Special again?

Friend 1: (Looks up intensely) We’ll-take-care-of-those-thank-you!  (Goes back to scratching the ticket; Friend 2 never stopped)

Server: Oh… kay…. (Leaves for another table, muttering) I’ll need all that stuff back, you know….

(After several minutes, Friend 1 and Friend 2 finish scratching their tickets and stare at them)

Friend 2: All of mine are one-digit off from the winning numbers.

Friend 1: I think I won.

Friend 2: Really?! 

Friend 1: (Looks closer at the ticket) Wait, no, never mind – mine are all one-digit off, too.

Friend 2: Oh.  Not even a free ticket pity prize?

Friend 1: Nope.  You?

Friend 2: Nope.  This really is a non-gift gift, huh.

Friend 1: Well, it’s the thought that counts.

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.