(Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)
Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?
Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.
Actor 2: Awwww. Sounds boring – bye.
Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands. You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.
Actor 2: I’m still a stud! (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.
Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so. Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –
Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.
Actor 1: What was your secret? Body spray? Piercing contact lenses? Listening?
Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles.
Actor 1: What?
Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar. Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.
Actor 1: Seriously? That’s all it took?
Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah. With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream. And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.
Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?
Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me. Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow. Go me.
Actor 1: Good for you. Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye! (Disconnects the call)
Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.
ONE YEAR LATER
Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?
Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.
Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about. I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.
Actor 1: Thanks. So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –
Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.
Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!
Actor 2: ….
Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.
Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.
Actor 1: How’s that?
Actor 2: I’m your costar.
Actor 1: Oh. I see. Well, this is awkward. Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.
Actor 2: What?! Why do I have to drop out?!
Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.
Actor 2: No way! I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!
Actor 1: Unacceptable! And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!
Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.
Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!
Actor 2: Ewwwwww! Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!
Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.
Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!
Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted. You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!
Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)
Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?
Actor 1: No.
Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.
Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.
Actor 1: Awesome.
Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers! Get on the bed.
(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)
Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?
Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.
Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.
Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?
Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.
Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult. Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.
Actor 2: Sure. (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you. My love.”
Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”
(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)
Actor 2: Ow! That was my shin!
Actor 1: Sorry! Maybe if I go over here….
Actor 2: Ow! My other shin!
Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?
Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!
Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!
Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?
Actor 2: No!
Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!
Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us! Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!
Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!
Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?
Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try. (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)
Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.
Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!
Actor 1: After all that?!
Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!
Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.
Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?
Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms! (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.
Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say. (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?
Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.
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