Story 434: Playing for Your Life Is Ridiculous

 [Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]

(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch.  Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough.  Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)

Vigilante: Aha!  And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!

Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!

Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?

Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!

Sidekick: To the max!

Villain: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?

Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!

Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!

Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on.  (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –

Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.

Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists!  (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem.  And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?

Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.

Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair.  (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)

Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!

Villain: Precisely!  (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –

Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!

Villain: However – !

Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.

Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!

Vigilante: Oh no!  Wait, why?

Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?

Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that? 

Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?

(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)

Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!

Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?

Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me!  And so, let us begin: Question 1 –

Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –

Villain: OMG, WHAT?

Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.

Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”

Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here.  (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?

(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)

Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?

Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!

Vigilante: Give me a minute!

(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)

Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying.  (Rips off the duct tape)

Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!

Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this.  So, you have something to share with the group?

Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!

Vigilante: Huh?

Hostage: That’s the answer!  A newspaper!

Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.

Hostage: What?!

Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt!  R-E-A-D, not R-E-D!  Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.

Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?

Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here.  (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.

Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!

Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity.  Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?

(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)

Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –

Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.

Hostage: But why?

Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.

(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)

Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.

(Hostage slumps)

Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it!  Where’s the Z?  Where’s the Q?!

Sidekick: Where’s the omega?

Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!

Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!

Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits!  Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!

Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….

Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”

Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes!  Thank you!  Someone here has a brain!  Or at least heard that one before.

Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.

Villain: No surprise there.  All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before.  Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?

Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!

Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?

Vigilante: A clock!

Villain: (Smile falls) No!

Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….

Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates.  So, it travels the world through space.

Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable.  Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!

Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!

Villain: No you didn’t!  (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!

Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.

Villain: (Back to the other two) You see!  This one lives in the real world!

Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.

Villain: Gee, thanks.

Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.

Villain: No it wasn’t!  There’s only one answer!

Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.

Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”

(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)

Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.

Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO!  No, we are done here!  (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!

Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.

Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!

Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined.  (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted.  Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?

Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.

Story 406: If You Could Choose Any Superpower…

 Friend 1: …WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Friend 2: HUH?!

Friend 1: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME – YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

Friend 2: WELL, WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EARSPLITTING CONCERT AND YOUR QUESTION IS CLEARLY OFF-TOPIC, SO IT’S JUST TAKING ME A LITTLE WHILE TO CATCH UP!

Friend 1: FINE, I’LL WAIT TILL INTERMISSION!

INTERMISSION

Friend 1: SO, IF YOU COULD –

Friend 2: You don’t have to bellow now; the noise level’s reduced slightly.

Friend 1: Sorry, my ears are still ringing a bit.

Friend 2: You know, that may actually be a sign of hearing lo-

Friend 1: SO, what I scream-asked earlier was: If you could choose any superpower, what would it be?

Friend 2: …Whyyyyyy?????

Friend 1: I was thinking I wanted to enhance our concert-going experience since we’re in the next-to-last row on the ceiling, and I can’t decide which would be best: super-vision?  Super-hearing?  Invisibility?

Friend 2: That last one would certainly help if everyone else had it: we finally could see the stage at least.

Friend 1: Yeah, but then they’d get up to all sorts of mischief without any accountability whatsoever.

Friend 2: Oh yeah.  Ew.  Never mind.

Friend 1: Teleportation?  Front row seats.

Friend 2: Heh, that one’d also shave time off my daily commute.  We can keep this power after the concert, right?

Friend 1: Oh yes, it’s yours for life, but only the one.

Friend 2: (Thinks for a few moments) I’d probably choose telekinesis.

Friend 1: Really?  Not telepathy?

Friend 2: Gosh no – do you really want to know what everyone’s thinking, all the time?  It’d be no end of revulsion.

Friend 1: Good point.  So telekinesis then?

Friend 2: Oh yeah: zero-effort opening doors, changing TV channels, getting stuff out of the fridge, moving weirdos outta my way, the works.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Thinks on this) Oooohhhh….

Friend 2: Yeah, I figured that’d appeal to your innate laziness.

Friend 1: Hey!  I’m not lazy!

Friend 2: Course you are.  And with telekinesis, you’d barely have to move a muscle ever again, if you really wanted.  A sloth’s paradise.

Friend 1: I like sloths.  They take the time to appreciate life.

(The band re-emerges on the stage and the audience stands and screams their approval)

 Friend 2: (Also standing) `K-THEY’RE-BACK-DON’T-SPEAK-FOR-ANOTHER-TWO-HOURS-WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Friend 1: (Stands slowly, stares inwardly, and whispers to self) And no one would ever mess with me again.

Friend 2: WHAT?

Friend 1: I SAID “WOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 wakes up, sits on the edge of the bed, and stares thoughtfully at a pair of slippers on the floor)

Friend 1: (Whispers to them) Move.  (The slippers wobble, then fly onto Friend 1’s feet) Whoa.  (Looks around) Must still be asleep.

(After getting dressed and going to the kitchen, Friend 1 stares at the refrigerator before holding a hand out to the handle without touching it.  The door opens suddenly so the handle goes into Friend 1’s hand)

Friend 1: (Staring at the open refrigerator with wide eyes) Just hungry?

(At the supermarket, Friend 1 pushes a shopping cart up and down the aisles; surreptitiously looking around to make sure no one is nearby, Friend 1 lets go of the cart but keeps hands hovering over the handle so that it still moves forward, then grips the handle again tightly)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Momentum.

(In Produce, Friend 1 stands in front of the apple section and unobtrusively floats several of them in the air to check for bruises; as a fellow shopper comes nearer, Friend 1 hurriedly grabs a few apples and shoves them into a bag before rushing the cart away)

Friend 1: (To Shopper) What, I didn’t see that, you’re imagining things!

Shopper: (Without looking up from the dragon fruit) Don’t talk to me.

(On the way home, Friend 1 giddily and literally drives hands-free)

Friend 1: Look, Ma!  No hands!  (Sees a traffic light turn from yellow to red) Oh shoot.  (Grabs the wheel and slams the brake)

(On a walk through town, Friend 1 hover-bounces a basketball along the sidewalk until seeing a construction site where an excavator is being used to create a huge hole)

Friend 1: (Drops the ball and addresses the construction workers) Never fear, good people!  Your deliverance is at hand!  (Raises arms to lift a lot more dirt out of the ground and dump it on the growing pile near the excavator.  The construction workers all stare in shock at the dirt, then at Friend 1) No need to thank me!

Supervisor: We won’t – the hole’s way too big now, you freak!

Friend 1: No need for name-calling, honest citizen!  I’ll just put some of it back – (Raises arms and some of the dirt pile simultaneously)

Construction Workers: (Hold their arms out in front of them) Whoa-whoa-stop!

Supervisor: You’re making more of a mess, and you’ll put us all out of a job!  Just – beat it!

Friend 1: (Lowers arms and dirt, then sighs) The inevitable public backlash.  I should retire from my superheroic endeavors while my good name’s still intact.  (Skips away while hover-bouncing the basketball again)

Supervisor: (To colleague) Who was that clown anyway?  (Is answered with a shrug, and the entire event is forgotten immediately by all present)

(Back home, Friend 1 hovers a finger over the cell phone to select and call Friend 2’s number from the contact list)

Friend 2: Hel-lo, ears still vibrating from last night?

Friend 1: Yes – listen, I tried it today and decided the whole thing just isn’t working out.

Friend 2: You neglected to mention the topic of conversation.

Friend 1: The telekinesis thing!  I’ve done it, and it’s just not worth it.

Friend 2: You’ve still lost me in the woods of your brain.

Friend 1: I’ve done it all – using it for minor conveniences, trying to save the world, the whole shebang: the people have already turned against me, and now I can’t risk you, my lifelong friend, eventually transforming into my ultimate nemesis I’ll have to regrettably destroy, I just can’t!

Friend 2: What are you talking – ?

Friend 1: No superpower is worth losing our souls or our unbreakable friendship over, so don’t try to misguidedly convince me otherwise!

Friend 2: OK.  I won’t.  I’m going back to dinner with my parents now.

Friend 1: Oh, sorry to interrupt, tell `em I said “Hi!”

Friend 2: Will do – bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Sets down the phone, then walks over to the living room window and stares heroically out it) The eternal quandary: in order to save the world, I must give up the power I love most.  It’s a noble sacrifice I’ll gladly suffer in silence for.  (Suddenly looks down at the ground near the apartment building and sees an oblivious car about to clip an oblivious jogger; Friend 1 holds out a hand and delays the jogger long enough to miss the car; both continue on their oblivious ways.  Friend 1 grimaces slightly, eyes darting around in guilt) Maybe just that once.

Story 394: Accidental Super-Vision

 (In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)

Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –

Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!

Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –

Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?

Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.

Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?

Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening.  (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.

Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)

Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?

Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.

Employee: A multivitamin?

Patient: Yes!  That one.  Specifically for this.  (Hands over the list)

Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.

Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?

Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.

Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!

Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?

Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)

Coworker: Hey.

Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.

Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago?  `Cause I really needed it two days ago.  I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.

Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.

Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?

Patient: What?!  No!

Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.

Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?

Coworker: Everything’s different every day.

Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?

Coworker: I’m color blind.

Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more.  Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.

Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?

Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes!  That is exactly what I’m seeing!  I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –

Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory!  I think – it’s a little unprecedented.

Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.

Coworker: Are you on something?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, just some vitamins.  (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?

Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong!  It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!

Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?

Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!

Patient: What’re you talking about?  It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get.  (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)

Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!

Patient: Oh.  I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.

Coworker: Three at a – ?!  If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!

Patient: Oh.  Well, math never was my strong suit.  (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!

Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!

Patient: What for?  A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything!  And I do mean everything.  (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak?   A lot more than 0.

Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!

Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this.  (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.

Coworker: This is the only idea!

Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.

Coworker: …What?!

Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.

Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?

Patient: Oh right, sure!  (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though.  Oh, and before you go?

Coworker: Yes?

Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!

Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.

Patient: Sweet!  Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!

Story 342: Get Your Very Own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            [Commercial]

           (Scenes of Customer standing in the middle of an empty parking lot, an empty stadium, and an empty beach)

            Voiceover: Life getting you down lately?

            (Scene of papers being sucked out of Customer’s hand and into a kitchen garbage disposal)

            Voiceover: Did months of work just get obliterated?

            (Scene of Customer sitting at an office desk, slumped on one hand, while a coworker screams in their ear)

          Voiceover: Was your day going just fine until that one person said something that ruined absolutely everything?

            (Flashing lights, bright colors, and text cross the screen)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, my friends – all your worries will vanish as if they had never been once you get your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            (Customer, now alone, still is slumped at the desk; the camera filter brightens as Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, wearing a superhero outfit, mask, cape, and “DTAIB” printed on the shirt, bounds onto the scene)

            Voiceover: Marvel as those never-ending negative thoughts are immediately vanquished!

          (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy grabs Customer by the shoulder and gives a slap across the face)

            Voiceover: Amaze as irreparable loss is rendered inconsequential!

            (Customer is leaning down to peer at the shreds of paper sticking out of the garbage disposal; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene and throws a glass of water in Customer’s face)

            Voiceover: Wonder as – hopefully – temporary setbacks are made tolerable by comparison!

          (Customer walks up to an empty local baseball field, grabs onto the chain-link fence, and sighs; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene; Customer turns and gets a cream pie in the face)

            Voiceover: You will be astounded!  Confounded!  Bemused!  Befuddled!  And 100% satisfied by the results!

          (Customer, face covered in cream pie, stands with Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who has hands on hips in hero pose; both are facing the camera)

            Customer: That’s great!  Tell me more!

            Voiceover: That’s pretty much it.

            Customer: Oh.

            Voiceover: But wait, there’s more!

            (Scenes of Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy at office meetings, family dinners, factory floors, and solo-occupant living rooms, pegging people with water balloons, smacking them upside the head, bodily tossing them onto a floor mattress, and tweaking their noses)

            Voiceover: And the best part is, Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy is on-call 24-7 for all your life-distraction needs!  Bonus package includes multiple visits for family parties, whenever we can have those to complain about again!  Special rates for those troublesome late-night musings!

            (Scene of Customer tossing and turning in a bed, then grabbing the clock to see it read “3:24 a.m.”; turns back onto the bed to see Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who pinches a nerve on Customer’s neck; Customer passes out)

            Voiceover: So don’t wait!  Call today at the number displayed on your screen – subject to change – (Changing phone number flashes at the bottom of the screen) or visit our Web site at www.dontthinkaboutitbuddyanddontsueus.com to order your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and never worry about anything long-term again!

            (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene in hero pose again)

            Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy: Remember, folks: only you – (Points to the camera) can end your own circular internal monologue!  By using me – (Points to self) to slap those pesky thoughts right out of your head!  Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, to the rescue!  (Lifts arms as a wire pulls Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy up and away)

        Voiceover: (Extremely fast speed) Warning-Don’t-Think-About-It-Buddy-only-provides-service-to-the-customer-on-the-bill-and-cannot-be-directed-to-provide-service-to-friends-or-enemies-if-you-change-your-mind-after-purchase-please-call-us-and-not-the-police.  (Regular speed) So don’t wait!  Call now for a Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and change your life today!