Story 430: I Wasn’t Expecting Company Today

 (In the parking lot of Friend 1’s apartment building)

Friend 1: (Struggling to get out of the passenger side of Friend 2’s car while carrying skis and poles, which keep hitting the door frame) Did you ever have buyer’s remorse within an hour of purchase?

Friend 2: I am not driving you back to the mall; we barely made it out intact as it is.

Friend 1: (Constantly falling back into the passenger seat when hitting the door frame) Yeah, but people sure did get out of our way once I had these babies!  Oof.

Friend 2: You don’t ski!

Friend 1: (Takes a short break before trying to get out again) That’s a fallacious argument: I never had skis to ski, so now that I have skis I will ski.

Friend 2: If you’re going to randomly take up a sport then just rent the equipment at a lodge!

Friend 1: Oh.  (Falls back again)

Friend 2: Urgh; let me.  (Unbuckles seat belt, gets out of the car, walks around to the other side, and grabs the skis and poles from Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Gets out of the car and takes the equipment back) Much obliged.

Friend 2: You’d better be.  (Starts to walk back to the driver’s side but slips on some ice and falls) Whoop!

Friend 1: (Stares at the prone figure on the ground for a few moments) You OK?

Friend 2: (Tries to stand but winces in pain) Ah!  No, I think I sprained my ankle.

Friend 1: Drat.  You have a habit of slipping and falling on ice, and of course the one time you actually hurt yourself it’s in my building’s parking lot.

Friend 2: (Tries to stand by leaning on the car) Don’t they salt it at all here?

Friend 1: There’s always a valiant effort, but Nature will not be tamed.

Friend 2: (Still trying to stand) You think you can put down your impulse buys and give me a hand!  (Friend 1 shifts the equipment to one side and starts to clap) Don’t you dare!

Friend 1: (Stops) I couldn’t resist the opening.  (Props the skis and poles up against the car and helps Friend 2 stand) Here, let’s hobble back over to the driver’s side….

Friend 2: I can’t drive like this!

Friend 1: Sure you can; it’s not like the pedals need much pressure; cars practically drive themselves nowadays anyway.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 as if the latter has two heads) I sprained my ankle: I need an ice pack to keep it from swelling up like a balloon and some bandages to wrap it up, then maybe I can drive myself home.

Friend 1: Oh.  OK, I’ll run up and get some.  (Starts to leave; Friend 2 nearly tips over and grabs onto the car again)

Friend 2: Hold it!

Friend 1: (Turns around) Yep?

Friend 2: I can’t believe I have to ask this: can you help me up to your apartment so I can maybe, I don’t know, lie down while treating my injury?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhhh… you can lie down in the back seat and I’ll bring the stuff to you; no need to exert yourself!  (Turns to leave again)

Friend 2: Halt!  (Friend 1 turns back slowly) I am saying this backed up by decades of friendship: stop being a pill and help me upstairs!

Friend 1: (Cringes, then puts an arm around Friend 2 for support as they both slowly make their way to the building’s elevators) OK, no need to get all weird about it.

Friend 2: Oh hush up.

(At Friend 1’s apartment, the former helps the latter inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the couch in the living room without turning on any lights)

Friend 1: Here we go, right this way, hold on a sec.  (Lets go of Friend 2, who leans against the wall; there are sounds of a number of objects being pushed off the couch and onto the floor)

Friend 2: (Looks around the gloom while taking off coat and gloves) Where’s the light switch in here again?

Friend 1: Huh?  We don’t need it; it’s still daylight out.

Friend 2: Well, it’s twilight in.

Friend 1: Here we go!  (Pushes Friend 2 onto the couch and throws a blanket in the general direction while also taking off coat and gloves) Be right back with ice and bandages!  (Hustles away to the sound of large objects being kicked out of the way)

Friend 2: (Snuggles into the blanket and mutters) Weirdo.

(After a few minutes of sounds of furniture scraping the floor and objects being tossed around in other rooms, Friend 1 returns with an ice pack and bandages)

Friend 1: (Starts to wrap both around Friend 2’s ankle) Lucky these things don’t expire, am-I-right?

Friend 2: (Takes the items out of Friend 1’s hands) I’ll take care of it.  (Holds the ice pack against the ankle, which is propped up on a pillow) You know, this’d be a lot easier if I could actually see what I’m doing.

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, sure.  (Goes to the wall and lifts the light switch a smidgen) I’ll go make us some tea!  (Dashes to the kitchen and begins banging pots and cabinet doors in there)

Friend 2: (Shakes head and starts measuring out the bandage while icing; this lasts for about a minute before Friend 2 hops off the couch and pushes up the light switch to the max) What the blazes happened here?!  (The entire living room is an indescribable mess)

Friend 1: (Enters, screams, and throws self between Friend 2 and the room) You weren’t supposed to see this!  No one was supposed to see this!

Friend 2: I don’t understand; I just was here, what, a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this – (Gestures at the space in general) disaster!

Friend 1: Three months, OK!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: It’s been three months since I’ve had anyone over here; it’s been so cold I’ve barely gone outside unless absolutely necessary; I finally discovered online shopping and I keep ordering, ordering, ORDERING!  (Collapses onto the couch) I wasn’t expecting company today – if I’d known I would’ve shoved it all in the bedroom and welded the door shut.

Friend 2: (Gingerly sits next to Friend 1 and stretches leg out, still holding the ice pack against the ankle) It’s OK; once I can start walking on my ankle all right again, I’ll help you sort all… this.

Friend 1: (Sniffs and nods) I used to think I could never be one of those who ordered this much useless stuff, not in a million years, and yet, here I am, one of them.

Friend 2: Well, to be fair, this place never really was “company-ready” on a good day – there’s just more things to get rid of now.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a real pal.

Friend 2: Don’t mention it.

(There is a knock on the front door)

Friend 1: Who in the world?  (Stands and opens the door) Yes?

Technician: Hi, I’m here for your dryer vent cleaning.

Friend 1: Today of all days!  (Slams the door)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, wouldn’t you had to’ve made an appointment for that?

Friend 1: I think the landlord was trying to be helpful and made it for us.  We knew it was coming, but neither the day nor the hour. (Opens the door again to the Technician still standing there) Step only where I do.  (Leads the Technician to the laundry room; sounds of objects being tossed out of the way and heavy machines being staggered-stepped along the floor fill the air for several minutes before Friend 1 returns to sit on the couch) Glad to do my bit for fire prevention.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Lies back on the couch and Friend 1 helps adjust the icing ankle on a pillow) You know, seeing all this – (Points around the room at all the extra accessories and boxes with more accessories waiting inside) the out-of-nowhere ski purchase now makes total sense.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen) The skis!  (Runs out of the apartment and down four flights of stairs back to the car)

Friend2: (Closes eyes as the sounds of dryer vent cleaning combine with the crashes of more boxes falling to the floor) Just one of those friendships that’s comfortable but exhausting.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 315: We Interrupt This Meeting for the Following Life Event

            (In a board room, six Members and one Chair are seated around a long table)

           Chair: I’m calling this meeting to order – we’re already five minutes late, and I am not wasting any more valuable time waiting for one slacker.  (Gestures to the empty seat at the opposite end of the table)

            Member 1: But their wedding is going on right now –

          Chair: If they can’t manage to be on time after making a commitment to join this committee, then what good are they, is what I say.  Now (Shuffles papers and glares at Member 3, whose keeps checking a vibrating cell phone), first order of business: approval of the previous meeting’s minutes.  (Looks around the table) Well?  Did anyone read them?  (Everyone looks down at their hands) I suppose the more important question is, “Did anyone write them?”

            Member 2: Yeah, since the admin’s still on maternity leave for the next few months we were supposed to rotate that amongst ourselves, but no one actually volunteered to go first.

            Chair: Useless.  All of you, and admin What’s-Her-Name, taking precious company time just to generate a tiny version of herself that’s no good to anybody right now.

            Member 2: Actually, her name is –

         Chair: Not Here!  That’s all I know!  (There is a knock on the room’s door) Clearly “No Interruptions” means nothing in this world.  (Hits a button on a remote control to open the door) What do you want?  (Someone in a uniform leans into the room and holds up a cooler) Oh that – come back in 20 minutes, m’kay?

            Uniform: But –

           Chair: (Hits a button on the remote control that slams the door shut) Now, since the minutes obviously are tabled until one of you layabouts gets around to writing them (Looks pointedly at Member 2, who begins scribbling notes on a pad), we will proceed to the next agenda item: (Reads from a paper) “Capital Budget Approvals.”  (Looks at Member 3) That’s your report, I believe?

            Member 3: Uh – yes, about that –

          Chair: Yes, about that: we all would like to hear about that.  (Member 3’s phone starts vibrating again) Are we interrupting something?

           Member 3: Uh – actually – (Looks at the phone) – uh, my partner and I are closing on the house today, and I was supposed to take off for that but then the meeting was rescheduled for now so I couldn’t take off, and with everything going on and me thinking I’d be off today I didn’t actually… do.. the…. (Trails off under the Chair’s withering glare)

            Chair: I’m waiting for the part where this is my problem.

            Member 4: (Grabs the wireless keyboard and mouse and retrieves charts to display on the wall monitor) It’s OK, I have the preliminary numbers for this and we can finalize them next meeting.

         Chair: (Still glaring at Member 3) They are supposed to be finalized this meeting, so preliminary anything does nothing for me.

            Member 3: (Texting on the phone and avoiding the Chair’s glare) Yeah – uh – I can have it done, uh, next week.

            Chair: After the meeting!  It might as well be done next century!  I hope your closing costs are triple the estimate and your lawyer charges overtime!  (Member 3’s jaw drops open) Moving on: the next item on the agenda is the upcoming community event the company’s apparently sponsoring to raise funds for some old age disease or, I don’t know, syphilis maybe.  So what are the updates on that?

            Member 5: Yes, this actually is a very personal project for me since my own diagnosis last year – everyone in the company has been so supportive, and with the funds raised in events like this, my doctors say I should be in remission once I have the last round of chemo, which is scheduled for right after this meeting is over.  (Looks pointedly at Chair while the other Members applaud)

            Chair: We’ll see about that – no one is going anywhere until matters here are resolved, my friend.  So, for the event, pick five volunteers from each of your departments and tell them to staff a table for 12 hours each or something; that should shut everybody up.  Next item –

            Member 3: (On the phone, standing; to Chair) I’m really sorry, but I have to go – the lawyers are starting to scream at each other and not even the seller knows what’s going on.

            Chair: (Points at Member 3) You sit back down right now and you stay in that seat until we are done and NOT A SECOND EARLIER!  (Member 3 sits; there is a knock on the door) Flippin’ rice – (Hits the button on the remote control to open the door) What?!  (Uniform leans into the room and holds up the cooler again) I SAID 20 MINUTES!

            Uniform: It can’t wait that long – this kidney’s only viable for another hour, so if you’re not prepped for the O.R. in the next 10 minutes it’ll be no good to anybody!

            Chair: Too bad for you!  (Hits a button to slam the door shut) Now, next item on the agenda –

            Member 6: (Stands) You know, I’m missing my kid’s dance recital for this, and I’d rather sit through that then stay another second here getting nothing done.  (Exits)

            Chair: We’re getting nothing done because you all are wasting precious time on trivialities!  Now let’s stop dithering about what we’re missing out on and start focusing on planning which side of the building the new company logo should be installed!  My vote’s east, to rival the rising sun.  (Members 1-5 stand and leave; Chair also stands)  Excuse me!  I did not adjourn you!

            Member 1: (At the door) If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be at the funeral home for my uncle’s wake.  (Exits)

            Chair: Do-nothings!  Time-wasters!  Your pay should all be docked for inserting your life into the work-side of the balance!  (Flings papers into the air)

            Uniform: (Peeks into the doorway and holds up the cooler) Ready?

            Chair: (Slumps into the seat) Nah, I’ve gotta finish revising our emergency procedures by the end of the day – give it to someone who has the time to have it implanted.

Story 246: If Victoria and Albert Were Present-Day Rich Commoners

            [Based on a recent marathon-watching of PBS’s Victoria, which is based on a true story]

           

            (Victoria Hanover, CEO of Monarchy Enterprises, Inc., faces the pressures of running a multi-billion pound company after inheriting it at age 18, and of her relatives’ machinations that she ensure the company will forever “remain in the family”)

            Victoria: Mama, I’m much too busy meeting with shareholders, working on the budget for the next fiscal year, and negotiating with the employee union about their health benefits to even think about dating, let alone getting married and popping out a brood of dependents!  Who I’d then be judged for neglecting if I also still focus on the company!  Priorities, woman!

           Mama: Perhaps I and your late father’s replacement in my affections should take over the day-to-day operations until you’ve outgrown being a rebellious teenager, hm?

            Victoria: You can tell your boy toy to buzz off: neither he nor any other upstart is getting their mitts on my business, do you hear me?  Ah, would you look at that – while we’ve been arguing over inanities, our stock dropped five points!  That does it: this company is mine, I am not sharing it with anyone ever, and only in the hour I eventually die in the long-distant future will I figure out a successor, just like our greatest CEO, Grand Dame Elizabeth Tudor.  She did all right for herself, don’t you think?

            Uncle Leo: Alexandrina –

       Victoria: (Hisses) No one is to use my pre-power name: I am Victoria, Paragon of Entrepreneurship, Leader of the Business World, now and forever!

            Mama: (Mutters) Kids these days.

            Uncle Leo: Very well then, Vicky –

            Victoria: Gaah!  I will not stand for being undermined by my elders!  What is it?

          Uncle Leo: Since we have the mutual goal of wanting to take over everything, in order to prevent any hostile takeovers you should seriously consider marrying my-nephew-your-cousin Albert, thereby keeping the line pure.  For the good of the business, of course.

          Victoria: Seeing as no one would care in this day and age if I choose to remain a confirmed bachelorette, and Albert was the biggest bore the last time I saw him, that’s a resounding “No.”

          Uncle Leo: Too late: I already invited him over to check out the empire – I mean, the business.  And woo you, and all that.

            Mama: Oh splendid, I can hear the babies already!

            Victoria: And people wonder why I hate my family.

            Albert: Hello, Victoria.

            Victoria: Oh what do you want – daaaamn, Albert, you’ve gotten fine since your presence was last inflicted on me!

            Albert: Likewise.  I am only here because both my father and my uncle want me to insinuate myself into your affections and thereby take over the company for their glory, but whatever.

            Victoria: Indeed.  Well, I suppose I can’t decently send you packing just yet: I’m off to chair 10 committees and conduct an inspection of the main factory before dinner, so you can either tag along or take a flying leap, makes no difference to me.

            Albert: I will tag along and see how I can improve any processes you may be doing wrong in the company that I may or may not co-own one day, yes.

            Victoria: (Grinds teeth; addresses a board room) All right, everybody!  The proposed designs for our new logo were not bad, but I’m just not feeling it so I want a complete do-over.

            Albert: Actually, these designs are rather effective in conveying the company’s message and I admire the artistry behind them.

           Victoria: Who asked you?!  Fine, people, pick a logo from one of these, this meeting apparently is adjourned.

            Vice President Melbourne: Ma’am, since I will be retiring soon and always took a fatherly interest in your well-being, I must say that I’d like to see you settled down and happy.

            Victoria: I am happy!  And I’ll be even happier when I can figure out a way to legally move all my relatives to the Isle of Wight and out of my sight!

           Vice President Melbourne: Understood.  However, I believe a… partner, to share both the work and the profits, would make life much more pleasant.

            Victoria: (Gasps) You mean we should amalgamate?!

            Vice President Melbourne: Never mind.

            Albert: Victoria, I have completed my survey of the company’s finances, physical properties, and Human Resources.

            Victoria: Nosy.

          Albert: I have found that, on the whole, you have done a splendid job in overseeing this massive operation, especially considering your relative inexperience in the field and minimal familial support.

            Victoria: Oh.  Thank you; it’s so rare that I receive positive feedback.

         Albert: Having said that, I have compiled a report of the many, many areas that, if left unchecked, could bring this great company to complete and utter ruin.  (Holds out a monograph) Would you care to read it?

            Victoria: Not particularly, no.

            Albert: I will summarize the main points for you later, then.

            Victoria: Listen, kid –

            Albert: I am only a few months younger than you, but go on.

            Victoria: – I know you’re trying to be helpful and all, but I’ve got this.  Really.

            Albert: I see.

            Victoria: And I am happy!

            Albert: As you say.

            Victoria: I wish everybody would stop presenting what they want as something that is supposedly good for me.  Don’t I make them enough money to leave me alone?

            Albert: In my view as an outside insider, your position does seem rather lonely.  I mean, with no real friends you can trust.

            Victoria: I have friends, sort of.  Can’t get too chummy with the help, you know, and I was kept isolated all my life, what with the extreme homeschooling, the workaholic and then deceased father, the near-useless mother, and the limited affection.

            Albert: That is quite sad.  To sympathize, you should know that my mother ran off with a homewrecker when I was at a tender age, my father does… everyone, my uncle likewise and I found out recently that he may actually be my father, and my brother has all the STDs.  Literally my entire family is made up of sluts – I seriously do not know how I can be related to them; maybe I actually was adopted and no one wants to tell me.

            Victoria: You win.  So, I’ve come around a bit to the idea of a perfect match foisted on me: you seem like a nice guy, and you’re pretty smart, and could be useful in a management setting.

           Albert: Thank you.  And you also are pretty smart, and capable, and I expect you will continue to bring this company much success.

            Victoria: I appreciate that: no one seems to want to admit that I’m doing a better job than Uncle Bill did, may he rest in peace.

            Albert: He may have been a bit too old and disinterested in the work when he inherited the role, but that is just my opinion.

            Victoria: OK, then, let’s start slow: want to take me out to dinner or something blasé like that?

            Albert: I was thinking perhaps we could take each other out to dinner and, whilst we eat, possibly review the software companies currently bidding on the new accounting database?

            Victoria: I have never been so turned on before in my life.

            (A respectable amount of time passes)

           Victoria: Attention Mama, Uncle Leo, and the rest of my meddling family: I would like to announce that you may have won the battle, but we have won the war.

            Mama: Do you mean the price war with our competitor in Jersey?

            Victoria: Not in the slightest.  (Grabs Albert’s hand and drags him over next to her) Albert and I are getting married –

            Uncle Leo: Aha!  Victory is mine!

           Victoria: – and I’m appointing him Chief Operating Officer, so he can make any changes he feels necessary but all final decisions are mine.

            Uncle Leo: Of course they are.

           Albert: Yes, Uncle-Maybe-Papa, I have great plans to work with the Community Outreach and Environmental Sustainability programs, in which I hope many lives will be vastly improved by our contributions to society.

            Uncle Leo: Huh?

          Albert: Also, all the buildings are absolutely filthy and ridden with asbestos, so I will be spearheading this company’s long-overdue introduction to the 21^st century.

            Victoria: Everything you say and do is magic, my angel.

            Albert: I am retroactively so glad we were forced into this situation, mein leibchen.

            Victoria: OK everyone, back to work, and let’s turn this piddling corporation into a massive global empire to be loved and feared by all!

            Employees: Huzzah!

            Albert: You know, we also could create an empire of our own: I envision being a devoted father to lots and lots of babies, preferably more than a dozen but I will settle for 10.

            Victoria: Easy there, my love, it’s not as if we’re responsible for supplying the crown heads of Europe.  Environmental Sustainability, remember?

            Albert: You have a point.  How about seven?

            Victoria: Two.

            Albert: Five?

            Victoria: Three.

          Albert: That is sufficient, until we are blessed with more.  Now that that is settled, I will resume installing Wi-Fi networks throughout all our facilities as you prepare to host the annual gala for the Foundation.

            Victoria: And that is why we get along so well.