DAY 1
(In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)
Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!
(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)
Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition! (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)
Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.
Host: Well that’s a shame – next?
Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.
Host: Good luck with that – next?
Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else. And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here. (Pats a large bag)
Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?
Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.
Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List! (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins! The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.
Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?
Host: I highly doubt it.
Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?
Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.
Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?
Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know! (To the rest) Are you all ready?
Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these? Asking for a friend.
Host: No! These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!
Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –
Host: Too bad! You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!
Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?
Host: Get set!
Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?
Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)
DAY 2
(At a Renaissance Faire)
Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.
(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)
Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss! Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow! Thanks, gentlefolk! (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)
Host: You know you could have just bought one –
Contestant 1: I
NEED THE MONEY!
DAY 5
(In a mountain range with an active volcano)
Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear. Let’s go have a look.
(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)
Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?
Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.
Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something. These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?
Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment. So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?
Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there. (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)
Host: Oh. (Faints)
Contestant 4: You OK? (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine. (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet. Six down, four to go. (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)
Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?! I didn’t sign a waiver for this!
(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)
Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?! You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!
Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?
DAY 7
(At a castle during a thunderstorm)
Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.
(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)
Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold! I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle! (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.
Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there. (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)
DAY 8
(On a space shuttle)
Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon. (To Contestant 3) Nervous?
Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!
Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.
Contestant 3: Wimps!
(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)
DAY 9
Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?
(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)
Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….
DAY 10
(In the same large field where the contest started)
Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night. (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.
(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way. They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)
Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time. Judges?
Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.
Host: So they each have nine items?
Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.
Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE! I told you – what now, huh? What now?!
Host: …Fight to the death?
Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!
Contestant 1: Yesssss!
Lead Judge: And then tax it.
Contestant 1: Boo.
Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon? I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.
Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.
Everyone Else: NO!
Contestant 4: Bummer. (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)
Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense. I hope you’re happy! (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”) That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what. So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo! (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!
