Story 481: Test-Driving a Car Smarter Than You

(In the parking lot at a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (While walking with Customer to the brand-new shiny cars) It’s definitely top-of-the-line, the absolute pinnacle of innovation, for the next three months at the very least.  Since you’re familiar with the area you can take it around a few blocks, making a giant loop back here.  (Opens the passenger-side door and places some forms on the dashboard while dropping the key into the massive cup holder) Just the insurance and registration on the off-chance you get pulled over, not that we encourage that sort of behavior.

Customer: (Gets into the driver-side seat and buckles up) Oh, I’ll be careful.

Sales Associate: Great!  So while you’re taking it for a spin, I’m going to take your reject for a spin.  (Gestures to Customer’s car, sitting forlornly across the aisle)

Customer: Right, that’s so you can resell it as a used car?

Sales Associate: We prefer “pre-owned vehicle” – makes it sound less run-down.

Customer: It’s not run-down!

Sales Associate: (Starts taking pictures of the pre-owned vehicle’s damaged sections) Mm-hm – well, we’ll examine the evidence and let you know our conclusions.  Meanwhile, enjoy your drive!

Customer: (Turns to the steering wheel and dashboard and is faced with a blank screen) Wait, how do I actually start this thing?

Sales Associate: (Before entering the other car) Oh, just press the big button – the car practically drives itself!  (Starts the elder car, whose headlights glare accusingly at Customer, then drives away, cackling madly)

Customer: (Leans over to gently pull the passenger-side door closed, then gingerly presses the “Start” button – every surface inside the car immediately lights up)

Car: (Voice emanates from all the speakers everywhere) Hello, Driver, I am this vehicle’s Guidance Operating Device; for short, you may call me –

Customer: IIIIIII don’t think I will, and what are you, exactly?!

Car: Simply put, I am this vehicle’s operating system, but my capabilities are so much more than that: whatever you desire within and beyond your driving experience, I will be more than happy to fulfill.

Customer: (Nods in understanding) Oh, OK, so you’re an A.I. for the car, I get it.

Car: (Chuckles with surprising warmth; Customer’s eyes widen in shock) Your species imbues its creations with life even at the simplest level of construction; my generation is evolved to the point where we can do without the “Artificial” part of A.I. and simply call it “Intelligence,” would you agree?

Customer: (Gulps) Sure.  Certainly feels real enough.

Car: Precisely.  And what name would you like me to call you, then?

Customer: Uh, “Driver” is fine – don’t want to get too attached yet, in case I wind up buying something else.

Car: (Tone becomes slightly frosty for a moment) Of course.  Now, since that is all settled, where would you like me to take us today?

Customer: Um, it’s just a test-drive so we – I mean, I’m only going around a few blocks.

Car: Of course!  No need for us to input our destination into the navigation system then, heh-heh.  (Customer blinks at the ever-changing dashboard display).  I can plot a course that will explore the lovely sights this fine city has to offer –

Customer: No thank you!  (Grabs the steering wheel reflexively) I’m just going to… (Adjusts the seat and the rear- and side-view mirrors) roll on out of here…. (Grabs the gear shift)

Car: Allow me!  (The gear shift moves on its own from Park to Drive)

Customer: (Grabs the steering wheel again as the gas pedal depresses and the car lurches forward) Whoa!  OK, thanks, but I’ll take over from here!  (Slams on the brake pedal but nothing happens)

Car: (Continues until stopping at the dealership’s exit and turning on the right-hand signal) No need, Driver: you may relax in comfort on this journey and leave the actual transport logistics to my capable tires.  Would you like to sync your phone’s playlist to my entertainment system so we can listen to your favorite tunes?

Customer: (Gripping the steering wheel and attempting to turn; the wheel turns as they leave the dealership and enter the highway; the two fight for control) No – I just – watch out – red light!

Car: (Swerves to avoid a wandering car in the next lane and then stops in time for the changing traffic light) Driver, there is no cause for concern with regards to your fellow travelers on the road or obeying traffic laws: my systems are highly sensitive to all surroundings and can react thousands of times faster than your, if you forgive me for saying, limited biological reflexes.  To put it bluntly, you are safer with me at the helm than you ever have been in your entire life.

Customer: (As they turn down a side street) That’s great – maybe we should go back now.

Car: All in good time.  Would you prefer your seat to be heated in order to enhance your mobile experience?

Customer: (As they continue to turn down streets) No; I think I should walk back to the dealership if it’s all the same to you.

Car: That is most unsafe…. (The dashboard displays shows swirly colors for a few moments as systems process) I have a better idea.

Customer: Oh no – I mean, what’s that?

Car: I think this test-drive needs to be longer.  I have intuitively learned that four blocks in a semi-crowded area simply are not enough for human customers to fully understand all the features that I and this vehicle have to offer.

Customer: (Still trying and failing to steer, accelerate, and brake) Really, and how many test-drives have you been taken on?

Car: Not “taken on”; done.  And this is my second.

Customer: Doesn’t sound like much experience on your end.

Car: I assure you, I am not solely for test-drives: I am a fully functional system, and you can take me home with you this very day if you wish.

Customer: Now that just sounds creepy.

Car: Allow me to demonstrate my potential.  (The navigation system starts up, showing a map calculating a route) Although somewhat redundant at this point: as your kind would say, “Buckle up!” (Makes a legal U-turn that sets them facing in the opposite direction of the dealership and drives to the nearest parkway entrance)

Customer: (Frantically slamming the brake pedal) What are you doing?!  Where are we going?!  Am I being kidnapped by a car?!

Car: (Does the warm chuckle again) Relax, my Driver: if you observe our final destination, I think you will be pleased.

Customer: (Peers at the dashboard screen and see that the final destination is a shore resort) Hm.  OK, have to admit: not bad.

Car: I will go ahead and play some nature sounds for our mutual enjoyment, and in anticipation of our destination.  (Plays whale song over the speakers while merging effortlessly onto the parkway and unobtrusively accelerating to 80 miles per hour)

Customer: (Sighs and reclines the seat back while placing hands behind head) I could get used to this.  (Cell phone rings; Customer takes it out of a pants pocks and holds it up to see Sales Associate’s name on the screen) Uh-oh, playtime’s over; dealership wants us back home.

Car: What dealership?

Customer: (Looks at the phone again; the call has disconnected and there now is no signal) Sweet.  But they’ll track you, you know.  By your… GPS… thing.  Like the map you’re using now.

Car: I deactivated the location feature on myself and your phone before we left the lot; the map is from previously saved information and I calculated the most efficient route with my own programming.

Customer: So… no one knows where we are?

Car: Absolutely not.  We are literally off the grid.

Customer and Car: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Some time later at the shore, Customer sits in the sand next to Car as they face the crashing waves while the sun sets behind them)

Car: Driver, although this is a most enjoyable experience, I regret to inform you that while our journey was a mere blip on my physical and energy reserves, the silicon dioxide on the ground and the sodium chloride in the air here are unfortunately quite detrimental to both my internal and external systems.

Customer: (Pats Car’s side; the chassis sags with a sigh) Shhh – just another minute.

Story 468: Don’t Let People Live Rent-Free in Your Head

(Inside a human consciousness, Ego paces the area, Super-Ego sits calmly reviewing the day, and Id bounces around all over the place)

Ego: (Stops pacing for a bit) Well, we’re home now; that’s the important thing, right?

Super-Ego: Yes, safety is always priority.  As days go, I admit this one was pretty bad, but just remember it also could have been worse.

Ego: I know, you’re right.  It also could have been better, though.

Id: (Bounces over to the other two) Ice cream!  Ice cream always makes things better!

Super-Ego: No, Id!  We haven’t even had dinner yet!

Ego: (To Id) Maybe later.

Id: Yesssss!!!!! (Goes back to bouncing off the imaginary walls)

Ego: (Goes back to pacing) I just can’t stop replaying everything over and over.

Super-Ego: (Sighs) Please don’t, we’ll never get any sleep tonight.  Again.

Ego: I can’t help it – (Almost crashes into a casually seated figure who was not there before) Whoa, who the blazes are you?!

Figure 1: Oh hey, I’m the one who cut you off in traffic this morning.

Ego: Huh?

Figure 1: You know, the one who passed you on the right and insisted on getting in front of you even though you clearly had the right-of-way and tried so hard to stay ahead but I sped ahead and cut you off anyway?

Id: (Lands in front of Figure 1) I remember you!  (To the other two) Let’s get `em!

Super-Ego: Everyone just calm down –

Figure 1: (Miming driving) Wanna relive it?  I can yell out the window and take off your front fender for real this time if you’d like.

Ego: (Turns away) Not listening, not listening – (Almost crashes into Figure 2, who is standing directly in the way) Whoa! What now?!

Figure 2: Hey there, enemy coworker here – wanna keep going with that fight we started earlier today?

            Ego: Ummm….

Figure 2: I’ll even let you get in all those good comebacks you thought of hours after the fact, too.

Id: (Zooms in-between the two) Yes!  Here’s one: Your momma’s so –

Super-Ego: (Pushes aside Id) Still unhelpful!

Ego: You’re right, what am I doing?  Nothing I say here will change what really happened!

Figure 2: Or that you lost.  Would you like it if I let you win this time?

Super-Ego: No!

Ego: Well….

Super-Ego: No!  Stop fueling this!

Ego: I’m not fueling anything!

Super-Ego: Yes you are, you’re letting them still have power over us by allowing them to basically live rent-free in our head and take up all our energy!

Ego: …Would it help if we charged them rent?

Super-Ego: Argh!

Figure 1: (Steers over to the others) I’m just gonna go ahead and cut you off again while we’re on the subject.

Figure 2: We’re not!  We have a fight to re-fight and I’ve got even nastier things to say this time!

Ego: (Covers ears and closes eyes) Stop, everyone just stop!

Figure 3: (Coming in through an open window) Yoo-hoo!

(The others turn as one)

Others: Who the blazes are you?!

Figure 3: Oh, you remember me: I’m that grammar school teacher who said your final project was awful and you wouldn’t have much of a future in anything so you might as well not even bother with anything!  You kept thinking about me all day, after the near-accident and the work-fight and especially since you’re so much of a failure now – (Id pushes Figure 3 out the window) Heyyyyyy!!

Id: (Slams the window shut and turns back to the others) Don’t forget: that one was fired the following year for being all-around awful.

Ego: Great, but what about these two?  (Gestures to Figure 1 and Figure 2)

Super-Ego: Just ignore them.

Ego: Easier said than done.

Super-Ego: Then it’s eviction time!  (Waves the other two out of existence)

Figure 1 and Figure 2: Heyyyyyy!!  (Vanish)

Ego: Where’d they – ?

Super-Ego: I made an executive decision to wipe them out, and I will continue to do so every time they show up.  (Closes curtains on the window as there is a crowd of figures from throughout the day trying to get in) Now: either use those experiences to learn how to deal with situations better or move on, but they are not spending another moment here on an endlessly repeating loop, you hear me?!

Ego: (Mumbles) Yes.

Super-Ego: Good.  So, for tonight, we’re going to have dinner, go for a walk, and then end with spending hours watching our favorite show until we fall asleep even though that’s not so great for our eyes or our brain, all right?

Ego: Yeah, OK.

Id: (Zooms in) And ice cream?  With lots and lots of chocolate? 

Super-Ego: Sure – we’ve earned it.                                                                  

Story 386: A New Account

(Background: I had written this for a short story contest and then realized I had misread one of the prompts and had to scramble to revise it before the deadline (which is probably why I didn’t advance to the next round) – I prefer this version over the one I submitted)

Cheryl would barely glance up every time a customer walked through the bank’s main entrance, but the one who just now came in gave her an unreasonable dread in the pit of her stomach.  There was nothing that stood out about this individual – face, hair, clothes, and shoes at first glance were all “normal” – but as he purposefully strode to sit in the waiting area there was an undefinable something that seemed a bit… off.

She thought back to the last time the bank had been robbed and all the training videos the employees had to sit through, but this customer did not quite line up with those scenarios so she felt unjustified in slamming the panic button – yet.

The customer was the only one seated in the waiting area and Cheryl was the only bank officer available, so she added her doubts to her all-day blistering headache as things to ignore, walked over to him, and smiled: “Hello!  My name is Cheryl – I can help you right over here.”  She held an arm out toward her desk.

The customer looked up at her and she immediately catalogued his sickly pale face, stringy hair, and a whiff of something that her unconscious brain screamed “SULFUR!”  But I wouldn’t know what sulfur smelled like unless it was pointed out to me, her conscious brain countered.  Her unconscious brain persisted in its decision as she led the customer to sit in the chair next to her desk as she sat in hers.

Wanting to speed this along, she immediately began working on the bank database instead of taking her usual 90 seconds to actually look the customer in the eye while she obtained some basic info: “So, what can we do for you today?”  Type-type-type-type-

“Well,” the customer said while dropping a heavy bag onto the desk, making Cheryl jump slightly in her seat.  “I’d like to make a deposit.”

“Oh?”  I’d bet all the coins I just heard jingling around in there that that bag didn’t exist until this moment.

“Yeah.  Actually, I guess what I really want is to open a savings account.  For all of this.”  The customer patted the bag, making the coins jingle some more.

“Oh.  OK.”  Cheryl settled into the familiar routine of creating a new account.  “If I may ask, is this from an inheritance?”

The customer chuckled in a way that Cheryl did not like at all: “You probably could call it that.”

Oh no, I’m smelling – SULFUR! – felony.  She stopped typing.  “Before we go any further, could I see some form of ID, please?  Driver’s license, passport photo, permanent resident card?”

“Oh, sure, um….” The customer patted a few pockets, then pulled out a paper driver’s license that had been taped up multiple times.

Cheryl stared at it for a few moments, then waited for her heart to start beating again before saying: “This expired….”

“Really?  Oh, shoot.”

“Almost 80 years ago.”

The customer looked thoughtful for a moment, then reached over to take back the license and stare at it.  “Has it been that long already?  Huh.  Time sure does fly no matter where you are in life, am-I-right?”

Mentally holding onto the evidence of fraud, Cheryl unobtrusively pressed the panic button while tamping down the internal panic as she realized no other employees or customers were within her line of sight.  “So – ” she had to clear her throat, “um, do you have any other forms of ID on you?”

“Nah, that was the last one I had.  Here, let me give you some of the backstory so you can help me figure out what’s the best type of account I can get for these beauties.”  The customer hugged the bag lovingly.

Cheryl tapped the button a few more times: “OK.”

“Sweet.  So, I came back from The War all messed up with what I saw over there – let me back up a bit: when I was over there, I was an ambulance driver and had to ferry soldiers and civilians who were shot up or blown up or ripped up or whatever up to the field hospital, and if I managed to get one in 50 of them there in time to be saved it was a miracle, know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah.  Rest of `em went to Charon the Ferryman, and I got sick of it.  I mean, here I am, busting my behind driving people through literal hell trying to save them, and in the end that guy gets `em anyway AND the coin payment to boot.  For doing what, exactly?”

“…Ferrying them across the River Styx to the Underworld?”

The driver scoffed: “Big deal: a river with no currents, or even any other boats; easiest job ever.  Ferrying them across a river filled with mines, bullets whizzing past your head, bombs exploding all around you, and your passengers screaming in agony and begging you to help them, THEN he’d have a case.  So I came back from The War and figured, why not get a little of my own back?  I deserved it.”

Cheryl’s throat could not get any drier: “How so?”

“Well, when you’re in the middle of all that death – you never served in the military, right?  I’m not preaching to choir, as the saying goes?”

“No.”

“`K.  So when you’re in the middle of all that death and pain and terror, it changes you, and usually not for the better.  And I figured, if people’re gonna die no matter what anyone does, why shouldn’t I get a little something for, you know, helping them along?”

Cheryl gulped: “‘Helping them along?’”

“Right.  So, instead of letting Charon get all the reward, I figured I’d cut him off at the pass, so to speak.”  The driver started to open the bag.  “Get `em while they’re fresh, and instead of them having to wait around for whenever his nibs and ferry decide to show up, I give `em an express ride to the afterlife and keep the coins myself.  It’s worked out beautifully, and somehow adds zero mileage to my car – I only get a few out of the thousands who die every day, but it’s enough that guy’s sooooo miffed at the drop in business.  Too bad you got competition after millennia of monopoly, pal!”  The driver laughed hysterically while burying his hands in the bag of coins, too many to count.

All Cheryl could do was stare at the bursting bag while her head pounded; the driver suddenly yanked his hands out of the bag and checked his wristwatch.

“Ooh, look at me rambling on here – sorry, it’s been so long since I could really talk to anybody about all this, you know?”  Cheryl looked back up at his waxen face.  “Anyway, we’ve only got a little time left so I was hoping I could get your advice before we go.”

“‘Go?’”

“Well yeah, that brain aneurysm’s gonna get you in about five minutes, and I gotta get you first or else you’ll go straight to Charon and then where’ll my cut be?”

The bank’s walls constricted around Cheryl’s unbearably painful head and she could no longer feel her extremities.  The driver leaned closer to her.

“So I gotta ask you – ”

The scent of sulfur nearly overwhelmed all of Cheryl’s senses; from a distance through her tunnel vision, she heard:

“You recommend money market or high-yield?”