Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!

Story 526: Laziness Life Goal

             (In a high school administration office, Guidance Counselor and Student sit on opposite sides of a desk)

Guidance Counselor: So, it’s that time of life where we basically go over what you want to be when you grow up.  I see in your transcripts that you excel academically and have been taking every college prep course available; you’ve been doing well in sports, mainly track and field; you belong to several clubs that work with the community; you play several instruments in all the bands here and step in with chorus if needed; you’ve been Class Treasurer, Secretary, and Vice President these past three years with election to President extremely likely next year; you work two part-time jobs most nights and weekends and three during the summer; and you volunteer with both the local humane society and the county paramedics.  My only question for you is this: where exactly would you like to focus all this energy into, as a career?

Student: (Leaning back in the chair) Career?

Guidance Counselor: Yes – your interests seem to be a bit all over the place, so tell me: what is your ultimate goal in life?

Student: (Leans back farther in the chair to stretch) Whelp, my true ambition can be boiled down to one word: laziness.

Guidance Counselor: I beg your pardon?

Student: No need.  (Sits up straight) Listen, I do all this – (Waves hand in the general direction of Guidance Counselor’s papers and computer) stuff on a surface-level basis; my heart’s not really in any of these things, you know.

Guidance Counselor: Clearly.

Student: So, I’m doing all these activities 24/7 now, while I’m mentally and physically able, to get to the point where I’m super-successful and then don’t have to do anything ever again.

Guidance Counselor: Well, that’s called “retirement,” which should’ve been about 50 years from now for you but more likely will be 60-to-70 at the rate things are going.  Mine got pushed back at least another 15 years, so I completely empathize with subsequent generations.

Student: …Yeah, I’m not waiting that long.

Guidance Counselor: Understandable.  So, what field do you plan to be super-successful in, hm?

Student: All of them.

Guidance Counselor: Ambitious, but let’s narrow it down to one or two.

Student: I’m serious.  I plan to succeed in math, science, literature, history, civics, religion, technology, sports, art, music, espionage, agriculture, dubiously-ethical archaeology, monarchy, and space exploration.  (Guidance Counselor stares at Student) That list isn’t comprehensive, though – it grows every few months.

Guidance Counselor: Barring the… physical impossibility of one person being able to do all of that, you’re telling me that you plan to not only accomplish but succeed in all these things solely to reach your end goal of… doing nothing?

Student: Exactly.

Guidance Counselor: Why not save yourself the trouble and just do nothing now?

Student: (Sighs tragically) Societal expectations.  When I reach the moment in my life where I can do nothing with no repercussions, I want everyone in the world to feel that it is well-deserved and not that I’m a leech on society.  Oh, the pressures of communal judgement on such a young, extraordinary mind as mine!  (Grabs head in despair)

Guidance Counselor: (Writes notes) I’m going to recommend that you apply to universities with programs in political science and legal studies - they’ll appreciate your strong work ethic and sense of drama.

Student (Look back up at Guidance Counselor) OK, sounds good.

TWENTY YEARS LATER

(Student-Now-Success stands on a balcony overlooking luscious gardens and many buildings, pools, and sports fields on a private estate, and smiles in contentment)

Success: I did it: today’s the day, at long last.  (Turns back inside to a sumptuous parlor, sits down on a massive couch facing a gargantuan table, opens a tiny laptop, and navigates to a site to address The World) Good people of Earth: today I am announcing my official retirement from all public activities, that have been and always will be in service of this glorious planet.

People of Earth: (Through the computer’s speakers) Awwwwwwww….

Success: (Briefly holds up a placating hand) I know, I know; this may seem sudden and quite early in my presumably long life, but please, don’t cry for your loss of me – the work will always continue, and there will always be hardworking volunteers to succeed me in our glorious opportunities.  Do not weep, do not mourn – I only ask that you remember me fondly, and don’t try to initiate contact: after I end this transmission, I’m never answering another message again.  (Ends the transmission to the sounds of worldwide wailing, shuts down the laptop, leans back on the couch, and closes eyes in bliss.  Several seconds later, eyes reopen suddenly) Now what?

Story 409: Method Homeworking

 (In a high school classroom)

Teacher: Good morning, class; welcome back to school and your first day of Algebra –

Students: Boooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: I will allow one token protest to readjust after your summer of slackerdom – now, let’s begin with your new best friends this year: X, Y, and Z....

(Forty minutes later)

Teacher: And so, your homework tonight and every night until the end of the academic year will be the problems we are up to today – (Checks the day’s plan) yes, the next 20 will do fine.

Students: Ughhhhhh….

Teacher: Just do your best; you won’t be quizzed until Tuesday the earliest.

Students: Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

(The bell rings and the students run out of the classroom)

Teacher: And remember: have fun!  Out of all the math you may take in high school, this is the only one you’ll all actually need in your adult lives!  (Mutters while prepping for the next class) Only 50+ more years of this until retirement.

(The next day)

Teacher: All right students, I saw that nearly all of you have posted your homework on our portal by at least 7:59 this morning; however, and I am loath to tardy-shame so early in the semester, but you – (Points to Student 1) still have not submitted your work, at all.  I will accept a paper version at this time, and this time only.

Student 1: (Stands) Actually, Teach –

Teacher: <Gasps>

Student 1: – since you told us to have fun, I decided to answer the problems a little more… creatively, if you will.  (Quickly dashes out to the hallway and comes back in dragging a large covered object on a wheeled cart to the front of the classroom, whipping off the tarp with a beaming flourish)

Teacher: And what, pray tell, is this?  A computer that you manipulated to supply you with all the answers?

Student 1: What?  No, it’s a nuclear reactor.

Teacher: WHAT??!!

Student 1: I built it last night – to scale, of course.

Teacher: Oh I see, it’s a model nuclear reactor.

Student 1: Heck no, it’s functional: my cousin hooked me up with some uranium that “fell off a truck,” wink, wink.

Teacher: WHAT????!!!!

Student 1: (Pats the reactor) Don’t worry, it’s lead-lined.

Teacher: (Gesturing wildly at the reactor) But – what – why – nuclear – why – fission – but – algebra!

Student 1: Well, the problems you assigned were all to solve for unknown variables, and you’d said we be using this material later in life, so I thought, “What better way to apply this busywork than to make all these equations solve for the components in generating a non-fossil-fuel-dependent energy source?”  Nuclear energy is the key to saving the planet, I’m telling you!

Student 2: (Raises hand) Can you make it have a meltdown?

Teacher: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Student 1: (Laughing) Yeah, that’s the one fly in the green energy ointment here; next step is solving the variables for space vehicles that’ll harvest the hydrogen and helium directly from the Sun without making it go supernova in the process, which should solve all our current planetary crises forever.  (To Teacher) Mind if I hand that in on Monday instead of tomorrow?  I got Drama Club this afternoon.

Teacher: Sit down, please.  (Student 1 drags the reactor to the back of the class as neighboring students tentatively pet it in passing) Now, class: while I admire your enthusiasm and thinking outside the box to apply what you learn in the classroom to real-life situations, I must draw the line at atom-splitting and any other potentially life- and planet-threatening activities, is that clear?

Student 3: (Raises hand) Is it all right if my term project is solving for X to create a never-ending supply of water?

Teacher: While I am tempted to say “Go right ahead,” I fear you would wind up drowning the world instead.

Student 3: Fair enough.

(The bell rings)

Teacher: (As the students leave with the nuclear reactor in tow) Right: tonight I want you all to only complete problems 21 to 40, with just the answers entered next to the equations and no “Show and Tell” demonstrations, please!  (In the empty classroom, Teacher slumps back at the desk to prep for the next class) Everyone says they wish today’s youth were more engaged with the real world, but I don’t think they realize what the results would be.

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Story 335: Professional High School Student

            (In a high school guidance counselor’s office)

            Guidance Counselor: (Reviewing a college’s application requirements on its Web site) Don’t know whether they’re expecting too much from our youth or our youth expect too little from themselves – almost makes one long for a dictatorship so we can focus our disappointment on that instead.  (There is a knock on the door) Yeah, come in.

            Administrative Assistant: (Peeks head into the room) Hi – your 1:00 is here.

          Guidance Counselor: (Hurriedly looks at watch) Already?  Well, this day is just lost – send `em in.  (The door opens wider to let in a student as Guidance Counselor stands) Hi!  Thanks for meeting with me today – please sit down.

           Student: (Sits at the same time as Guidance Counselor) Thanks for scheduling this after my lunch period – especially today, I hope it means I don’t have to make up the debate that’s going on right now.

            Guidance Counselor: Yes, about that –

            Student: Oh no, am I failing Debate?!

            Guidance Counselor: Quite frankly, yes.  But I think you knew that already.

            Student: This is the first I’m hearing about it!  I can’t believe this!

            Guidance Counselor: …You see, I would empathize, if this was the first time you were failing Debate.  But it isn’t: you already have failed it.  Five times, as a matter of fact.

            Student: Oh.  Has it been five times?  I don’t remember stuff like that.

          Guidance Counselor: Or much else, apparently.  (Drops several bursting file folders onto the desk) My predecessor gave me the heads-up before retirement that you have yet to pass a single course in your senior year.

            Student: Aw gee, that’s too bad.

            Guidance Counselor: It certainly is, since you’ve been in the 12^th grade for the past 10 years.

            Student: Ooh, you mean I hit a decade?  Sweet.

          Guidance Counselor: I’m frankly flabbergasted that you weren’t forcibly graduated after the second year of this, just to get you out of here – you know you’re now older that several of your teachers, yes?

            Student: Age means nothing to me; I still treat them with the same respect as I do any of my tenured elders.

            Guidance Counselor: That’s admirable of you, but missing the point: you shouldn’t be here anymore.

            Student: Why not?  Clearly I still don’t have a good grasp of the material.

          Guidance Counselor: And yet you’ve never requested after-school help, or gotten a private tutor, or even picked easier electives!

            Student: If it’s easy, then how will I learn anything?

        Guidance Counselor (Opens a smaller file folder) What baffles me in the whole situation is this: (Hands the folder to Student) This one folder encompasses your records from Grades 9 to 11 at this school.  (Student slowly turns the pages in the folder) Three whole years!  And you were doing just fine!  Not brilliant, but at least passing!

            Student: Amazing.

            Guidance Counselor: That’s not the word for it!

           Student: No, I mean it’s amazing that all this is still on paper – doesn’t everything have to be entered into a database by now?

           Guidance Counselor: Don’t get me started on that.  (Snatches back the folder) Now.  (Holds up the folder in one hand and slams the other hand onto the piles of bursting file folders) Care to explain?

            Student: I should think it explains itself: I’m a bad student.

         Guidance Counselor: No!  (Slams the smaller file folder down onto the desk and points at Student) No, no, no!  You clearly were not a bad student up until the end of your junior year, your home life is decent, the students in all the grades love you, I snooped around and saw that nothing horrifically horrible has happened to you, and you’re in almost every extracurricular activity we have going on here, so this – (Slams hand again on the bursting file folders) is deliberate!

            Student; You snooped on me?!

           Guidance Counselor: Don’t deflect on a moral/legal point – why are you continually failing the 12^th grade on purpose?!

            Student: (Slumps in the chair in defeat and sighs dramatically) Because I don’t want it to end.

            Guidance Counselor: How’s that?

          Student: I know what’s coming, all right?  The pointless struggle, the escalating stress, the regrets, the feeling that you’re never good enough, the imposter syndrome when you actually are good enough, and the neverending fear of failure, if you’re lucky; the actual feeling of failure for pretty much everyone else.

            Guidance Counselor: You’re failing now!

            Student: Yeah, but that’s on my terms.

          Guidance Counselor: So, what, you’re afraid to go on to college?  You have other options, you know.

            Student: It’s not that – it’s this.  (Waves arms around the room)

            Guidance Counselor: You’re afraid of school?

           Student: No-no, I love school.  That’s the problem: I love the routine, going to class, hanging out with my friends, working on projects, playing sports, going to competitions, feeling like I’m somebody here.  But once we graduate, it’s all over.  Everyone scatters to the four winds to start their adult lives, few of us are ever going to see each other again, and the time is never as special as it was here.  Well, I refuse to join the ranks of the eternally disappointed, you hear me?!  So, I’m staying here forever instead.

            Guidance Counselor: But your classmates graduate every year, so you’re still never going to see them again.

            Student: Not every year: I figured out the third time around that if I make closer friends with them as freshmen, I get all four years outta them as if we were in the same grade.

            Guidance Counselor: I feel for you, I really do, but you can’t live like this.

           Student: Why not?  My parents actually like me staying at home, I have an after-school job that pays the bills, the only one this is hurting is the school’s stats, but I’m just one student out of hundreds of thousands so really, who cares?

            Guidance Counselor: But you can’t be happy flunking for the rest of your life!

            Student: It’s actually gotten to be kind of fun, so your argument’s fallacious.

            Guidance Counselor: Aha!  So you should be passing Debate after all!

          Student: (Shrugs) Eh: take the same class for six years, you’re bound to pick up something.

         Guidance Counselor: (Types on the computer) I’m entering a recommendation that you be graduated at the end of this year due to time served.

            Student: (Sits up) WHAT?!

          Guidance Counselor: I also need a full-time assistant, since the student size has doubled since you originally started your career here – if you take courses in school counseling, you can stay here and work with students for the rest of your days, and never ever have to leave.

            Student: (Slumps again) I guess I should’ve known the dream had to end one day – that’s life for you.

            Guidance Counselor: See?  And you didn’t even have to graduate to experience that.

Story 265: How Much Would You Like to Donate This Year?

            (Phone rings)

            Alum: Hello?

            Student: Hello, is this ---------- ----?

          Alum: No-no-no, first you say who you are, then I decide whether I want to disclose my identity or rudely hang up.

           Student: I’m actually a current student at ------ University, and we’ve been reaching out to alumni to share all the amazing news and exciting events that are happening –

            Alum: Let me stop you right there: yes, I am ---------- ----, and no, I do not feel like giving any money to that school this year.

           Student: Oh, this is just a call to give you an update on all the happenings on campus since you graduated.

            Alum: I bet it is.

            Student: First, our football team won –

            Alum: I hate those jocks.  (Mumbles) Never let me on the team.

            Student: OK: our Theater Department –

            Alum: I hate those geeks.  (Mumbles) Never cast me in anything.

          Student: Well, I see that you had attended the University’s School of Science, so you’ll be pleased to hear that it has been awarded the ------ Grant for the second year in a row, and on top of that, the School’s recent affiliation with NASA will soon make it possible to send our very own students into space.

            Alum: I’m sure they’re all beside themselves with nerdy joy.

           Student: So, these and other significant accomplishments only continue to add value to your degree.

            Alum: Now you’re having a laugh.

         Student: Along with your own accomplishments in your field, both you and the school mutually benefit.

           Alum: Well, I suppose I have been a bit lax in updating my, er, status with you guys, even though your mail still manages to find me no matter how many times I change my address, but let me cut this off at the knees by officially notifying you now that I never did get a job in my field thanks to a multitude of factors, and I’d rather not relive that fiasco at the moment.

            Student: But your degree will always –

          Alum: Decorate my wall.  Let me give you some advice before you stumble into the same string of failures that I did: if you want to have a modicum of success and actually be somewhat happy while making enough money to survive relatively debt-free, you have to A) Work ridiculously above and beyond anything you’re ever told to do, even so far as inventing projects for yourself and never sleeping, B) Know everyone, C) Be extremely smart, D) Be extremely lucky, or E) Already be rich – preferably a combination of all of these.

            Student: Since you value the education and experience ------ University has given you, can I put you down for a gift this year?  You also have the option to bequeath any monies left behind upon your death.

           Alum: There actually may be some hope for you, kid.  All right, put me down for student scholarships if you are on any, just because I admire someone who doesn’t know how to quit.

            Student: Thank you for your support.  In the spirit of the season, would you like to double or triple the amount you have given in past years?

            Alum: Don’t push it.