Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!

Story 267: Cross-Country Obstacle Course

            (At an outdoor track at a high school, the Commentator stands by the starting line, bundled in a padded coat and pants with most of the face covered by a hood and scarf)

           Commentator: (Speaks in a slightly muffled voice) Welcome, everyone, to our 2^nd Annual National Charitable Seasonal Cross-Country Obstacle Course.  Apparently last year’s event, which was deliberately scheduled for the coldest day of the year making the contestants on-call for three months, was seen as not “challenging” enough by our viewers, SO, this year the event has been moved to the northernmost point of Canada, and the organizers have arranged for things to be a bit more "interesting."  

            (The five runners arrive at the starting line, constantly running in place and swinging their arms; they all are wearing shorts and tank tops)

            Commentator: Now, the race will begin at this deceptively simple track here, but after one revolution the contestants will continue to parts unknown.  (The starting gun fires) And they’re off!  Look at their combined breath – it’s a veritable fog out there!

            (The runners make it halfway through the course before one trips over the streak of ice that is its own track)

            Commentator: Oh quick, get up!  Get up!  (The runner’s arms and legs are stuck to the ground) Ooh, bad luck there, chum: didn’t even make it out of the first leg, and can’t even wave for help.  Let’s see how the others are doing, shall we?

            (Hops onto a golf cart, which take a few tries to start.  The remaining four runners had departed the track and entered the woods)

             Commentator: Now, here is the portion of the race the organizers titled “A Walk in the Park,” those sadistic – anyway, the runners here will encounter typical obstacles one would on a normal walk in the park.  You’ll get what I mean in a minute.

            (As the runners navigate the trails, several civilians jog up to them and start throwing trash in their way)

           Jogger 1: Finished my sport drink – don’t need this anymore!  (Tosses a bunch of plastic bottles onto the trail that the runners have to leap over)

            Jogger 2: Tissues!  Who wants tissues?  We’ve got tissues here!  (Sprinkles tissues all over the runners, who freak out)

            Jogger 3: Need a plastic bag?  I’ve got PLENTY!  (Shoots bags from a T-shirt launcher over the runners’ heads; the runners try to bat them away)

          Commentator: Nice avoidance form, mates – what’s this?  Seems Runner #3 is lagging behind!  (Commentator steers the cart over to Runner 3, who has been picking up all the garbage that now is strewn across the trail)

            Commentator: (In a low voice) We’ve got employees to do that.

            Runner 3: I can’t just leave it!  That’s contributing to the all-consuming problem!

          Commentator: (To the camera) Ah, the downside of competing in an event like this when you’re head of the local Nature Conservancy chapter.  (Shakes head as the joggers dump more trash around Runner 3)

            (Farther ahead, the path has been swallowed up by enormous pools of slushy water)

            Commentator: Now, the challenge here lies in the fact that there is no good way around these things – the grass on either side of the path has turned to swampland and the nearest road is a mile away.  Let’s see how they get on, shall we?

            (The three remaining runners begin to cross the water but soon are in up to their necks.  One runner begins swimming, then is assisted out of the water as their limbs immobilize; the other two exit the water, grab a fallen log, and hop on that to paddle across to the side where the path resurfaces)

            Commentator: It’s always lovely when competitors temporarily use teamwork.  However, since they didn’t actually run in that portion, I’m afraid it doesn’t count.  What?  (Listens to earpiece) Oh.  I was just informed by the organizers that we can’t disqualify all our contestants, so they’ll allow it.

            (The trail leads the two runners out of the woods onto a highway)

            Commentator: Let’s see if this doesn’t get the old heart racing, as we wait for our remaining contestants to cross the street.  This section of the course has been designed as a replica of the Arc de Triomphe Roundabout, complete with six unmarked lanes of traffic.

           (The two runners start, stop, start, dodge, weave, leap, zig, zag, soar, backflip, vault, and tumble through the constant stream of cars to reach the center of the circle.  They both make it, but Runner 4 looks back over the course they just traversed, and faints)

           Commentator: Ooh, so close.  Looks like Runner # 2 is our sole victor, and there’s still another half of the course to go.

            Runner 2: What?!

           Commentator: You heard me!  Now get to your dog sled!  (Runner 2 is hitched to a dog sled and pulls it through the other side of the traffic circle, with no sled driver and no dogs) With any luck, we should reach Alaska by tomorrow!  Tune in at the same time that day – that’s when the fun really begins!