(In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)
Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –
Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!
Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –
Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?
Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.
Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?
Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening. (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.
Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)
THE NEXT DAY
(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)
Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?
Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.
Employee: A multivitamin?
Patient: Yes! That one. Specifically for this. (Hands over the list)
Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.
Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?
Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.
Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!
Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?
Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?
ONE WEEK LATER
(In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)
Coworker: Hey.
Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.
Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago? `Cause I really needed it two days ago. I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.
Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.
Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?
Patient: What?! No!
Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.
Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?
Coworker: Everything’s different every day.
Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?
Coworker: I’m color blind.
Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more. Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.
Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?
Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes! That is exactly what I’m seeing! I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –
Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory! I think – it’s a little unprecedented.
Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.
Coworker: Are you on something?
Patient: Hm? Oh, just some vitamins. (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?
Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong! It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!
Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?
Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!
Patient: What’re you talking about? It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get. (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)
Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!
Patient: Oh. I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.
Coworker: Three at a – ?! If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!
Patient: Oh. Well, math never was my strong suit. (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!
Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!
Patient: What for? A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything! And I do mean everything. (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak? A lot more than 0.
Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!
Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this. (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.
Coworker: This is the only idea!
Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.
Coworker: …What?!
Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.
Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?
Patient: Oh right, sure! (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though. Oh, and before you go?
Coworker: Yes?
Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!
Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.
Patient: Sweet! Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!
