(In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)
Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK? (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo! (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)
Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday. And all the Saturdays, for that matter. (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?
Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!
Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.
THIS SATURDAY
(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)
Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.
Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?
Student: Italian Club.
Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid. (Leaves)
Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….
Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know? You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!
Student: Huh?
Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face! Demand that they give you money! Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot! Follow them into the store! Follow them to their car! Don’t take “No” for an answer! Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –
Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers? (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.
Student: No worries.
(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)
Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough. I used to have do that for Scouts. How I loathed it.
Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?
Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds. After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle. (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.
Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?
Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?
Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred? (Waves a $100 bill)
Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.
Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it! (Reaches for the can)
Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.
Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)
Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?
Student: Sure, thanks.
Employee: No problem. Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce. (Re-enters the store)
Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?
Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.
Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.
(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)
Advisor: Buon giorno! Come stai?
Student: Eh. (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers. Are you here to relieve me?
Advisor: What? I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!
Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?
Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier! (Drives away)
Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.
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