Story 599: The Audience Really Does Make the Show

            (In the backstage area of a makeshift wrestling arena, professional wrestlers mill about warming up and getting into character; on the other side of the curtains, audience members take their seats in the folding chairs around the center ring)

Wrestler 1: (Doing push-ups against a wall while Wrestler 2 is doing lunges) Wait, so am I now kicking you in the stomach or bashing you in the head with a chair after the first pin?

Wrestler 2: Kick to stomach; I roll out of the ring, then I bash you with the chair when you come after me.

Wrestler 1: Got it.  Is it a bad sign I’m starting to mix up choreography from one match to another?

Wrestler 2: I’ll try to cover for you if it happens, but I wouldn’t let anyone else hear you say that.

Wrestler 1: Thanks.  I don’t think the audience really cares as long as we’re continually beating each other up, am-I-right?

Wrestler 2: (Switches to squats) To a point, but if you go for a clothesline at the same time I go for a backbreaker, I think we’re all gonna have a problem.

Wrestler 1: Heh-heh, yeah.

(Announcer rushes in, looking stressed)

Announcer: (Waves Wrestlers and Referee in closer) Everyone, huddle up please, I’ve got some news.

Wrestler 3: (As everyone gathers around) What, are we all fired?!

Announcer: No!  Why would you even think – ?  Never mind: I just found out that there’s been a slight mix-up in venues, so our audience for today’s show is not exactly our… regulars.

Referee: How do you mean?

Announcer: Well... I was told that this space was advertising Romeo and Juliet for today.

(The others howl with laughter, then trickle off)

Wrestler 4: Wait, you’re serious?!

Announcer: `Fraid so.

Referee: So why don’t we just pack up and move to the right venue now?

Announcer: It’s too late for us to move all our stuff out and the other show to move all their stuff in – everyone literally just found out the mistake when the audience here showed their tickets about 10 minutes ago.

Wrestler 5: And no one walked out?!

Announcer: Some did, but the majority didn’t want to drive another hour in city traffic to get to the right show, so they figured might as well stay with full refunds.

Wrestler 5: (Nods) Ah, lazy: I get it.

Announcer: (Briskly rubs hands together) So!  Same show as usual, just don’t expect as much… interaction as you normally get, `K?

Wrestler 6: (Raises hand) Ooh!  Can I finally do my Hamlet monologue during my entrance, pleeeeeeease?!

Announcer: Ergh, fine, do a few lines, but don’t be disappointed if you just remind them what they’re missing out on.

Wrestler 6: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Drama degree finally paying off!

Announcer: All right, everyone, let’s give `em a show!

Wrestlers and Referee: YEAH!

Usher: (Peaks head through the curtains separating the backstage from the frontstage) Hi, sorry to interrupt, but you could you all keep it down a little back here, please?  You’re making the crowd out there nervous.

Announcer, Wrestlers, and Referee: (In a whisper) SORRY!

(In the arena, the business-casual dressed audience members sit quietly in the first two rows of folding chairs on all four sides surrounding the ring.  The lights dim, then blaze in multicolor frenetic motion on the entrance ramp leading to the ring; loud music blares out from the speakers as Announcer emerges from behind the curtains to polite applause; Referee slips through the curtains shortly afterward and unobtrusively enters the ring)

Announcer: (Microphone causes voice to echo loudly through the mostly-empty arena) LAAAAADIES AAAAAAND GEEEEENTLEMEN!  Have we got a show for you today!  (Two audience members briefly clap)  And now, our first contestant in our extravaganza of destruction!  Weighing 155 lbs and fresh out of anger management therapy, please welcome, DOOM-MAKER!  (Polite applause from the audience members)

Wrestler 1: (Flings aside the curtains and grabs the microphone from Announcer to address the audience) That’s right: I am your doom, and I am here to rough!  Stuff!  Up!  (Staggered applause from the audience members) I don’t need your pity cheers!  I don’t need any of you, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Several audience members start to stand up to leave) No, I’m kidding, please stay!  (They sit back down as Wrestler 1 hands the microphone back to Announcer and then jogs down the ramp to enter the ring)

Announcer: What a fiend!  And now, weighing 150 lbs and looking for trouble in all the right places, please welcome, APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Runs out through the curtains, pointing and yelling at Wrestler 1 as the audience members at the end of either side of the ramp shrink away) I’m coming for YOU, d’ya hear me?!  I’m coming for YOU!

Wrestler 1: (Standing in the center of the ring, spreads arms wide as Wrestler 2 hops up through the ropes) Come and get me, I’m right here!

Audience: [Polite applause]

Referee: (Struggling to separate the two Wrestlers who are lunging toward each other) Let’s have a nice, clean match, OK?!

Wrestler 1: You wish!

Wrestler 2: Oh, it is ON!

Referee: Aaaaand – BEGIN!  (Releases the Wrestlers and steps back as the loud music stops and a bell clangs to signal the start of the match)

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Grabbing the back of each other’s head) AAAAHHHH!!!!

Audience: [Stunned silence]

(Wrestler 1 throws Wrestler 2 onto the ring’s mat)

Wrestler 2: (Exaggeratedly twitches around) Ah!  My back!

Audience Member 1: (Leans in toward the ring) Oh no, are you OK?

Wrestler 1: (Leans over the ropes) No, he is not OK!  He’s going to be DESTROYED!

Audience Member 1: (Sits back) Oh dear.

Referee: (To Wrestler 1) You: off the ropes!  (Starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures) ONE!  TWO! –

Wrestler 1: (Gets off the ropes to get in Referee’s face) Get outta my face, Ref!

Audience Member 2: Rude.

(Wrestler 2 suddenly grabs Wrestler 1 by the ankle and yanks the latter down onto the mat)

Audience Member 3: Hey, that’s cheating!

Audience Member 4: I must say, even if it’s technically a legal maneuver, it shouldn’t be allowed all the same; it’s just not cricket.

Wrestler 2: (Lifting Wrestler 1’s leg in the air while pinning the rest of him; Referee dives to their level and starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures and long pauses between numbers) Then we’re real lucky this ain’t cricket, eh?!

Audience Member 4: Well I never!

Wrestler 2: I bet you haven’t!

(Wrestler 1 breaks out of the hold before Referee reaches “THREE!”, then show-kicks Wrestler 2 in the stomach)

Wrestler 2: (Bowls over in fake agony) Ooooohhhhh!!!!

Audience: [Sympathetic wincing]

Wrestler 1: (Strutting around the ring, arms wide open toward the Audience, looking for cheers and/or boos) Yeah?!  Yeah?!

Audience: [Disapproving silence]

Wrestler 1: [Uncomfortable throat-clearing]

(Wrestler 2 suddenly rolls out of the ring and runs toward an empty row to grab an unused folding chair; Wrestler 1 also rolls out of the ring)

Referee: Hey!  Both of you back in here now!

Wrestler 1: (Turns to shout back at Referee) You’re not the boss of me!

(Wrestler 2 runs up from behind and bashes Wrestler 1 in the head with the chair, knocking the latter to the floor)

Audience Member 5: (Seated right in front of this, suddenly stands) Help!  Someone call an ambulance!

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Each holding a hand out to Audience Member 5) No-no, it’s fine, everything’s fine – !

Referee: (Leaning over the ropes; to Audience Member 5) Get back in your seat, please!

Audience Member 5: (Slowly sits back down) This is worse than Titus Andronicus.

Wrestler 6: (Sticks head out between the curtains) NO IT ISN’T!  (Is pulled back by unseen hands)

Referee: (To Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2) Get back in here now or you’re both disqualified!

Wrestler 2: (While re-entering the ring) All right, Ref, hold your horses!

Audience Member 6: (Leans down toward Wrestler 1 as the latter melodramatically struggles to stand after the head-bashing) Keep your chin up – just know I’m rooting for you, old sport.

Wrestler 1: (Pauses mid-stagger) …Thanks.

(After Wrestler 1 re-enters the ring, both Wrestlers deliver over-the-top slaps, kicks, punches, body-slams, and other mutual punishments to the resounding sound of silence, with an occasional whimper from an audience member)

Referee: (Gets a signal from Announcer and leans down to mutter as Wrestler 2 is pinning Wrestler 1) Wrap it up.

Wrestler 1: (With head clamped in a half nelson by Wrestler 2, mutters back) Now?  But we haven’t even gotten to the high-dives yet!

Referee: (Mutters) I don’t think they’d be appreciated.  (Louder with exaggerated hand movements) ONE!  TWO!  THREE!

(Bell clangs rapidly and loud music starts up again as Wrestler 2 stands in triumph and has an arm raised by Referee to be declared the victor)

Announcer: And the winner is… APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Raises both arms) YESSS!!!  (Leans down to Wrestler 1 still lying on the mat) In!  Your!  Face!

Wrestler 1: [Moans in stage pain]

Audience: [Polite applause]

Announcer: (As Wrestler 2 exits the ring, circles the four sides of the audience looking for cheers and/or boos and receiving stunned stares instead, then follows Wrestler 1 who is staggering up the ramp) Coming up next: another epic match, another bout of obliteration!  Sit tight, folks, you don’t want to miss a single moment!  (Quickly turns and goes through the curtains to the backstage area, then points to Wrestler 6) You’re up next: recite the whole dang play if you have to at this point; we’re dying out there.

Wrestler 6: (Holding back tears) Really?  This is like a dream come true.

Wrestler 5: (Shakes wrists and rotates ankles to warm up) I don’t get it: I thought those Shakespeare plays are so bloody and what-not, you’d think everyone out there’d lap this all up.

Wrestler 6: (After briefly gargling salt water) Yes, well, the plays may often be bloody, but the audiences for them nowadays are pretty sedate; we would’ve done better with the groundlings at the Globe Theatre from days of old.

Wrestler 5: Yeah.  You know, that makes me wonder….

Wrestler 6: What?

Wrestler 5: How’s the other venue holding up, then?

Wrestler 5 and Wrestler 6: (Look off into the distance to ponder) Hmmm…. 

THE OTHER VENUE 

(Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene I is being performed on a gymnasium stage as casually dressed audience members rowdily watch)

“Mercutio”: “O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!  Alla staccata carries it away.”  (Draws a prop sword)

Audience: Ooooooohhhh!!!!

“Tybalt”: “I am for you.”  (Also draws a prop sword)

Audience: Whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!

“Romeo”: “Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.”

“Mercutio”: (To “Tybalt”) “Come, sir, your passado.  (“Mercutio” and “Tybalt” begin stage sword fighting)

Audience: (Standing as one) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!  DESTROY HIM!!!!!!

(The fight and dialogue continue until “Mercutio” is “stabbed” by “Tybalt”)

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“Mercutio”: “I am hurt.   A plague o’ both houses!”

Audience Member 7: You tell `em, Mercutio!

(After more dialogue and fighting, “Romeo”  “stabs” “Tybalt”)

Audience: (Still standing) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Audience Member 8: Oh no, Tybalt!

Audience Member 9: Finally, Romeo!  About time you did something, you twit!

(Backstage, Director raptly watches the action both on-stage and in the seats as Venue Owner approaches)

Venue Owner: (Quietly to Director) Again, I am so sorry for the mix-up – I don’t even know how to begin making up for it!

Director: (Without looking away from the two sets of crowds) Hm?  Oh, don’t even worry about it.

Venue Owner: …For real?

“Prince”: “Immediately we do exile him hence.”

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Audience Member 10: Justice for Tybalt!

Audience Member 11: Romeo did nothing wrong!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (Grinning wildly; to Venue Owner) Are you kidding?  Other than their extreme disappointment that Juliet wouldn’t hip toss Romeo over the balcony earlier, this is probably the most enthusiastic audience we’ve ever had!

Story 388: The Perils of Acting With a Friend

 (Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)

Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.

Actor 2: Awwww.  Sounds boring – bye.

Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands.  You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.

Actor 2: I’m still a stud!  (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.

Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so.  Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –

Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.

Actor 1: What was your secret?  Body spray?  Piercing contact lenses?  Listening?

Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles. 

Actor 1: What?

Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar.  Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.

Actor 1: Seriously?  That’s all it took?

Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah.  With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream.  And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.

Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?

Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me.  Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow.  Go me.

Actor 1: Good for you.  Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye!  (Disconnects the call)

Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.

 ONE YEAR LATER

 Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.

Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about.  I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.

Actor 1: Thanks.  So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –

Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.

Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!

Actor 2: ….

Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.

Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.

Actor 1: How’s that?

Actor 2: I’m your costar.

Actor 1: Oh.  I see.  Well, this is awkward.  Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.

Actor 2: What?!  Why do I have to drop out?!

Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.

Actor 2: No way!  I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!

Actor 1: Unacceptable!  And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!

Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.

Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!

Actor 2: Ewwwwww!   Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!

Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.

Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!

Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted.  You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!

Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)

Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?

Actor 1: No.

Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.

Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.

Actor 1: Awesome.

Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers!  Get on the bed.

(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)

Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?

Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.

Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.

Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?

Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.

Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult.  Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.

Actor 2: Sure.  (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you.  My love.”

Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”

(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)

Actor 2: Ow!  That was my shin!

Actor 1: Sorry!  Maybe if I go over here….

Actor 2: Ow!  My other shin!

Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?

Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!

Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!

Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?

Actor 2: No!

Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us!  Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!

Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!

Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?

Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try.  (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)

Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.

Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!

Actor 1: After all that?!

Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!

Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.

Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?

Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms!  (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.

Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say.  (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?

Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.

Story 299: Why Don’t You Go Outside and Play? `Cause I’m Working.

(Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are at their desks, side-by-side in a partitioned-off area of the main office)

Co-Worker 1: (Suddenly stops typing and stares off into space; to Co-Worker 2) You ever wonder, what’s the point of anything?

Co-Worker 2: (Stops typing and stares at Co-Worker 1) No, and I wish you wouldn’t either.

Co-Worker 1: (Looks up through the partition’s window) Uh-oh, Big Boss is headed this way.

Co-Worker 2: Great, and I’m not even halfway through my report that was due… (Looks at watch) yesterday.

Co-Worker 1: You certainly let that deadline get away from you.

(Manager enters from around the corner of the partition and immediately begins talking)

Manager: So, I suddenly realized what modern society’s problem is.

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 1: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, it all boils down to one simple problem: nobody goes outside and plays anymore!

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 2: Oh?

Manager: (Grabs a chair, rolls it over to them, and turns it backwards to sit) I mean, kids today –

Co-Worker 1: Oh, here we go.

Manager: Hear me out: kids today are all sitting in front of screens playing video games, watching TV, wandering all over unsavory places on the Internet, and typing entire conversations to strangers, they’ve forgotten how to walk and talk!

Co-Worker 1: While I agree that that’s the overall trend, I do see plenty of kids playing sports, riding bikes, causing mischief on the roads, and rampaging through playgrounds, so I must deem your argument fallacious.

Co-Worker 2: (Whips out a notebook and begins scribbling) Thanks for the new word – I’m going to try using it in a sentence today.

Co-Worker 1: Not too much, or it’ll lose its power.

Manager: All right, forget the kids; I mean, look at you two now!  (The two look down at themselves) Sitting there in front of your computers all day long, when there’s a whole big world of life out there – (Gestures randomly out there) begging to be lived!

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but we’re… working…?  Am I missing something?

Manager: You see!  Always an excuse!

Co-Worker 1: What?!

Co-Worker 2: Aren’t we being paid to sit in front of computers all day long?  Isn’t that what the company wants from us?

Manager: Well, it’s time you two took a break.  (Stands to reach the power cord where both computers are connected and rips the plug out of the wall)

Co-Worker 1: (Gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) A cold shut-down!

Co-Worker 2: (Also gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) My overdue report!  And I haven’t hit “Save” in 20 minutes, like a fool!

Manager: (Twirls the cord) You can thank me later.

Co-Worker 2: Can I actually remind you of this later when you’re yelling at me for not submitting this until next week?

Manager: (Laughs maniacally) Silly billy.  (Grabs the backs of their chairs and wheels them out of their section of the office) And away we go!

Co-Worker 2: (To Co-Worker 1) Should we run for it?

Co-Worker 1: Nah – I kind of want to see where this is going.

(Manager wheels them to the elevator, wheels them out when they arrive at the ground floor, wheels them through the lobby and out the front door as everyone else there watches uncomprehendingly, wheels them to the park next door, and collapses when they arrive at a playground filled with toddlers and their adult guardians)

Manager: (Lying on the soft hard-top, panting and pointing at the playground) All right – there it is – go play.  (Lets hand fall)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2, the toddlers, and the guardians all stare at each other for a few moments, then Co-Workers 1 and 2 simultaneously stand, life Manager up by the arms, and set the body on one of the office chairs.  Co-Worker 1 wheels that chair off the playground while Co-Worker 2 follows, dragging the other chair behind)

Co-Worker 1: (Stopping the group on a paved trail) You know, we appreciate the effort and all, but I don’t think we can just go… play over there, with all of… them.

Manager: (Recovered, but still seated) Whyever not?  There’s not sign saying that!  There’s no law!

Co-Worker 2: I think there might be.

Manager: Ridiculous!  Everyone’s always complaining how they miss their childhood when they played all the time, and here I am, literally throwing you two into play time, and you’re just standing there like a bunch of old people!

Hiking Able-Bodied Senior Citizen: Hey!

Manager: People who let themselves get old!

Co-Worker 2: I see what you’re saying, and that kind of play was fun when we were kids, but now, well….

Co-Worker 1: Now we just don’t wanna.

Co-Worker 2: Exactly.  Somewhere through the years, it just stopped being fun.

Co-Worker 1: And I hate to say it, but right now I’m exhausted just looking at them.

Manager: (Stands in a fury) What are you two, 30 going on 300?

Co-Worker 2: You’re actually not supposed to ask us our age –

Manager: OLD!  You let yourselves get old!  Well my late-middle-aged self refuses to, do you hear me?!  (Runs to an unoccupied sandbox, dives in, and uses a shovel to fill a bucket while weeping)

Co-Worker 1: You think the office’ll miss us if we hang out here a little while longer to keep an eye on things?

Co-Worker 2: I think we have a moral obligation to ensure our boss’s physical and mental well-being, and we’re only doing our duty in staying out here in this fresh air, green grass, shady trees – (Co-Workers 1’s and 2’s eyes begin closing) humming insects, sleepy breeze – ooh, look, there’s a nice comfy bench right over there, just waiting for us to take a nap on it!

            Co-Worker 1: (As they both trot over to the bench) Sweet.  My legs are killing me.