Story 556: Unnecessarily Unrequited Love

             [Based not on a true story but on all those series where the main characters pine after each other for years just to string the audience along]

(In a forest, our two attractive Leads run away from an unseen danger until they find a large tree to hide behind and have a scene)

Lead 1: (Scanning the cloudy skies through the treetops as Lead 2 sinks to the ground, gasping) Well, it’s official.

Lead 2: (Tries to peer around the tree trunk) What, we lost `em?

Lead 1: No, we lost us.  I have absolutely no idea where we are right now.

Lead 2: Oh, I could’ve told you that: we were lost the moment we set foot in here, so nowhere to go but out, I suppose.  (They both chuckle exhaustedly as Lead 1 flops down to sit next to Lead 2, backs-to-trunk) We just need to rest a few minutes, get our bearings, and then we can figure our way out of this mess.

Lead 1: Uh-huh.  (Checks cell phone) Still no service, so no one’s coming to find us.

Lead 2: Just our pursuer, heh-heh.

Lead 1: That’ll be our luck: the only one who finds us out here is the one we’re trying to get away from.  (Leans head back against the trunk and closes eyes in frustration)

Lead 2: C’mon, we’ve gotten out of worse scrapes than this.

Lead 1: (Opens eyes and turns in disbelief to Lead 2) Name one!

Lead 2: Um… well… there was that time we were stuck in that elevator that kept slipping until it dropped 40 stories and crashed spectacularly at the bottom, but we got out at the last second before all that happened, hm?

Lead 1: That’s because the fire department came along and got us out!  We didn’t get ourselves out of anything!

Lead 2: OK, um… how about the time I got wounded by the suspect we were after, and we were all alone in the middle of nowhere – kind of like now – and really thought that was it for me and said our heartfelt good-byes, yeah?  (Lead 1 stares in disbelief at Lead 2 again) Sure felt like the end then, but we got out all right.  And I only spent a few days in the hospital instead of a whole week like the doctor thought, so win-win!

Lead 1: The team traced our cell phones before we lost the signal and followed our path through the cornfield we’d trampled!  This place – (Gestures to the surrounding forest) has too much undergrowth to even leave decent footprints!  (Thunder rumbles and rain begins to fall) And now any tracks we might’ve had’ll be completely washed away, great.  (Leans back against the tree again)

Lead 2: On the bright side –

Lead 1: Ugh, you and your bright side; drives me bonkers.

Lead 2: You’d miss it if I stopped.  On the bright side, this rain means it’ll also be hard for our pursuer to find us, eh?  (Lightly nudges Lead 1, who gradually smiles) Eh?

Lead 1: Yeah, I guess you have a point there.

Lead 2: Of course I do.

(They sit in companionable, wet silence for a few moments)

Lead 1: (Picks up a piece of fallen bark and starts scratching it while not looking at Lead 2) You know, I really did think that when you got hurt, that was gonna be, you know….

Lead 2: What?

Lead 1: It.  For you.  (Still looking away from Lead 2) For a while, thought I was gonna lose you there.

Lead 2: (Smiles and holds Lead 1’s hand, making the latter look at the former) Never.  Who else’d torment you at work every day?

Lead 1: (Chuckles) Right, we do need a tormentor on our team.

Lead 2: (Looks at Lead 1 thoughtfully) I didn’t want to bring it up at the time, since there was a lot going on with the investigation still and I was recovering from the blood loss and all –

Lead 1: Yeah-yeah.

Lead 2: – but I always wondered afterward… is it because you thought I was going to “bite the big one,” so to speak… is that the reason why you almost kissed me then?

Lead 1: (Suddenly lets go of Lead 2’s hand) I – did not almost kiss you!

Lead 2: (Skeptically-raised eyebrows) Really.

Lead 1: Yes, I already said I thought it might be the end for us – you! – you, and so I just… hugged you very affectionately there.

Lead 2: I think I should point out that one hugs with their arms rather than their mouth.

Lead 1: Sorry, my aim was off!  I was very upset at the time!  (Stands and stalks a few feet away as the rain gets heavier) Besides, why are you bringing all this up now anyway?!  We’re supposed to be figuring out how to both get away from and catch whoever’s after us, and I’m out of ideas!

Lead 2: (Also stands and walks around to face Lead 1; both now need to shout to be heard over the rain) I brought it up because things are looking pretty bad for us right now and we may not be getting out of this one!

Lead 1: You’re the one who’s always looking on the bright side; glass half-full, rainbows after the rain and all; aren’t you supposed to be saying we’ll be just fine and we’ll laugh about all this back in the office tomorrow?

Lead 2: There you have it: saying things like that is definitely a sure sign we’re not gonna make it!  (Lead 1 scoffs) I don’t know; we’ve been through so much together, we’ve known each other for so long….

Lead 1: (Nods) It’ll be a decade next month, and I still refuse to believe that much time has passed without me even noticing it!

Lead 2: (Smiles) Yeah, me neither!  We’ve gotten to know each other really well, have each other’s back through thick and thin no matter what, met each other’s families, and all that!  We’re friends, right?

Lead 1: Of course!  How could you even ask me that at this point in our lives?!

Lead 2: Just checking!  So… maybe, maybe that’s part of the problem; maybe I got a little too comfortable, maybe I thought it’d make things awkward and we couldn’t work together anymore, or maybe I thought it would ruin everything –

Lead 1: I don’t think I like the way this conversation is going!

Lead 2: (Trying to wipe the pouring rain off of forehead and eyes) I’m sorry, maybe this is completely one-sided, maybe you’ll never want to speak to me again, but after almost dying that one time and still not saying anything I can’t have this be the end for either of us without telling you that… I’ve been in love with you for some time now!

Lead 1: …What?!

Lead 2: It’s kind of embarrassing to pour my heart out twice so I’d rather not repeat the whole thing again if you don’t mind!

Lead 1: But… I don’t believe it!

Lead 2: (Shakes head) I know!  And I will always be your friend-slash-investigative team support member, but I know I’ve also been like an annoying sibling to you for way too long, so if you don’t feel the same way I do, I completely understand!

Lead 1: But I thought it was just me!

Lead 2: …What?!

Lead 1: I thought you knew – like you said, we know each other so well, I thought you knew – (Lead 2 stares uncomprehendingly) I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but I’ve been in love with you for years!

Lead 2: (Eyes widen in shock) Years?!

Lead 1: I thought I was embarrassingly obvious about it, though I didn’t mean to be!  You really didn’t know?!

Lead 2: Well… no!  I thought you knew and were just being nice so my feelings wouldn’t be hurt!

Lead 1: “Nice”!?  Me?!  Never been accused of that before!

(They laugh ruefully)

Lead 2: Soooo… are we saying that… we’ve been in love with each other for a long time, but were too afraid the other didn’t feel the same way that we never said anything?!

Lead 1: Sounds like it!  If it wasn’t so stupid, I’d cry!  (Lead 2 laugh-cries in relief until a huge bang is heard; both turn to see that a bolt of lightning had struck a tree and severed a few large branches that crash to the ground dangerously near them; they turn back to each other) I think that’s our cue to boogie!

Lead 2: (Grabs Lead 1’s hand as the latter starts to run) Wait!  Now that we’re finally on the same page after all these years, I think that’s actually our cue to make out!

Lead 1: Now?!  We’re still on the run from a perp, and we’re also still on the clock!

Lead 2: We’re salaried – there is no clock!

Lead 1: Oh right!  No overtime either!  (They both look down and sigh in regret over that)

(A disturbance in the forest gets their attention as Pursuer emerges from a close group of trees)

Pursuer: Aha!  Caught you at last!  You’ll never drag me back to prison, never-ever-ever – !  (Lead 1 grabs one of the fallen branches and bonks Pursuer on the head with it) Dangit.  (Falls to the ground, unconscious)

Lead 2: Wow.  Maybe we should’ve led with that before we got lost in here.

Lead 1: (Tossing the branch away) I wasn’t in the right mindset for it earlier.

(The rain suddenly stops and the clouds part, allowing the Sun to shine down in symbolic relief on the two Leads)

Lead 2: (Looking up briefly) Perfect timing.  Well, now that the danger’s past and all is well with our little world again, how about we finally give the people what they want?

Lead 1: What people?

Lead 2: I dunno – the universe or something.

(They passionately embrace with the pent-up emotions of a near-decade’s worth of suppressed pining as the unseen audience swoons)

Lead 1: (As they break apart for air) Not to spoil the mood, but after the first thrills of us hooking up eventually cool down, we still have to find our way out of the woods, carry this bozo – (Nods head at Pursuer) all the way so we don’t have to start another chase, and have to deal with the snide remarks and “I knew it!”s from our team, and possibly a raised eyebrow from H.R.

Lead 2: (Nods thoughtfully) Whelp, the first three can’t be avoided, but what H.R. doesn’t know can’t hurt it.

Lead 1: I knew we were soulmates.

Story 474: Unexpected Series Cancellation

(On a soundstage representing an open field filled with fake flora, fake fauna, fake water, and a monorail, a television show’s cast and crew members move about purposefully in preparing for the scene they are about to film)

Cast Member 1: (To Makeup Artist applying touch-ups) I agree it adds to the mood and tension of a set piece, but when there’s that little ambient lighting for a night scene, then no one watching will be able to figure out what on Earth is going on, and all that mood and tension’ll mean absolutely nothing!

Makeup Artist: (Gives several final pats on the face with an applicator) Mm-hm – please stop talking.

Cast Member 1: Got it.

Cast Member 2: (Walks over to Cast Member 1 as Makeup Artist finishes and leaves) Hey – you ready for our scene later today or you want to go over it one more time?

Cast Member 1: Eh, I think we’ve prepped enough.  It’s gonna be a lot of yelling so I don’t want to wear out my vocal cords beforehand, know what I mean?

Cast Member 2: I guess.  Still think it might be more effective if you don’t yell.

Cast Member 1: And still agree to disagree.  Don’t yell all you want; I’m ramping it up all the notches.

Cast Member 2: You do you.  Kind of looking forward to it, actually: we’ve been building up to this all season, and I think the writers did a good job with our ultimate showdown.  Should be fun to finally act it out for reals.

Cast Member 1: And to watch.  I think the fans’ll be extremely satisfied the way this plays out – can’t wait to hear the buzz the day after it airs, that’s always a thrill.

Cast Member 2: When’ll that be do you think, six months from now?

Cast Member 1: Your guess is as good as mine with the way the network schedule’s been lately.  (Sighs while surveying the fake sunnily-lit scene) I still have to pinch myself every day that we get to do this for a living.

Cast Member 2: (Surveys the fake landscape as well) Definitely.  And the fans’ve been so supportive, and there’s been so much momentum with the show, for the first time in my career I can almost take a deep breath with the promise of job security.

Cast Member 1: Sweet.  (Showrunner enters the soundstage, surrounded by staff) Whelp, here comes the maestro to give us our monthly pep talk.

Cast Member 2: Hope it’s shorter than the last one; I almost forgot my lines for the day by the time it was over.

Showrunner: All right everybody, huddle up!  Got some news.

(Cast and crew members gather in a large circle)

Cast Member 3: (Mutters to Cast Member 4) Let me guess: we’re all fired.

Cast Member 4: (Laughs) Paranoia.

Cast Member 5: (To Showrunner) Are we getting out early today for the holiday?

Showrunner: Oh, today’s a holiday?

Cast Member 5: Yes, but clearly never mind about that.

Showrunner: Good, `cause it’s about to be ruined.  Just got the word from the studio that after the season finale airs on whenever date, that’s… well… no easy way to say this… I was told that that’s it.  As in, it.

(Stunned silence)

Cast Member 1: “It” being… the season finale?  We know that.

Cast Member 2: I think our leader’s trying to tell us that it’s going to be the series finale.

Cast Member 3: (To Cast Member 4) Called it.

Cast Member 4: (Eyes still wide with shock) That you did.

Cast Member 1: (Shakes head in disbelief) Wait a minute, are you saying that the show got cancelled?  Permanently?!

Showrunner: Yes.

Cast Member 1: …After one season?!

Showrunner: Shocking, I know.  But not unprecedented.

Cast Member 1: “Shocking”?!  It is MIND-BOGGLING.  We were voted the #1 Crime Procedural/Sci-Fi/Sit-Com/Western/Family Drama just last week!

Cast Member 2: And you know the fans really love the show, and even the critics are giving it good reviews – what happened?!

Showrunner: Well –

Cast Member 3: I’ll tell you what happened.  (Everyone turns to Cast Member 3, who starts counting off fingers) We got pre-empted too many times by live sports; the times we are on the air, the episodes get shuffled around so much that some storylines make no sense whatsoever; the studio didn’t know how to market a multi-genre series; and you – (Points to Showrunner) overplayed the long game.

Showrunner: Me?!  What’re you talking about: I fought tooth-and-nail every day to get this show the love it deserved!

Cast Member 3: You also wrote in too many storylines with too many characters and too many open-ended arcs that promise to pay off in five years but deep down we all know they never will!  We may have a core group of dedicated fans, but everyone else lost interest!

Showrunner: Nah-uh!  I perfected the magic formula to get people obsessed!

Cast Member 4: You’re certainly right about that: I’ve gotten the weirdest fan mail asking me if I secretly know where my true father is and why I’m hiding that from my friends on the show.  Do I?  Am I?

Showrunner: Yes and yes, but that was gonna be the big reveal in Season 3.

Cast Member 3: You see!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about – you planned so far ahead that you gave the audience nothing now.  You’re a big tease!

Showrunner: Am not!

Cast Member 3: Oh yeah?  (Gestures to Cast Member 1 and Cast Member 2) What about these two?

Showrunner: What about them?

Cast Member 2: Yes, why am I being dragged into this?

Cast Member 3: As far back as Episode – Freakin’ – 1 – scratch that, as far back as the Pilot – you started right out of the gate with the “will-they-won’t-they” shenanigans, and the only outcomes from doing that super-early are that they break up by the end of Season 2 because everyone’s tired of them, or it’s dragged out so long that they wind up never hooking up at all and one or both of them go off with someone else, and the fans hate it either way!

Cast Member 1: I would like to point out that while that angle may have been introduced a tad early in the series, I think the relationship is being developed tastefully and with mutual respect –

Cast Member 5: (Scrolling through a phone) It says here there were over 5,000 fanfiction stories shipping you two immediately after the Pilot aired.

Cast Member 1: Hm.  (To Cast Member 2) Guess I should’ve toned down the smoldering stares a bit.

Cast Member 2: I’ll say – after every episode airs I keep getting messages: “Why haven’t you two gotten together yet?”  “What are you waiting for?”  “Now kiss!”  “Stop denying you’re made for each other!”

Cast Member 1: Wow.  People sure are impatient.

Cast Member 2: I would be too if a couple with our regrettably intense chemistry got dangled in front of me at the outset, and then the brakes were applied almost immediately.  You gotta give the fans something to daydream about during their tedious work hours.

Cast Member 1: It’s called a SLOW BURN – if you rush it, you ruin it!

Cast Member 4: I thought the issue was it’s moving too fast?

Cast Member 5: I thought our show was about crime and sci-fi and family drama and all those other things; I didn’t think it was a romance.

Cast Member 2: Lotta people latched onto the one romance part.

Cast Member 1: Which is fine, in small doses!  We actually should’ve put the brakes on it even harder and not even held eye contact for longer than three seconds until at least the Season 2 premier!

Showrunner: Which is all a moot point since there now is no Season 2.

Cast Member 4: Aw, and you’d promised I was going to have my very own me-centric episode that had to get pushed back to next season since the studio cut down the number of episodes they’re airing `cause of all the live sports stuff.

Showrunner: Yeah, glad I never did get around to writing that ep.

Cast Member 4: What?!

Showrunner: Which reminds me: five of the episodes we actually did film are going to get cut, too.

Cast Members 1-5: WHAT?!

Showrunner: The only time slots they could give me for the rest of the season this year were after 2 a.m.  Maybe.  If the post-game recap ended early.

Cast Member 1: And whose bright idea was it to air our show after a game every single week?!

Showrunner: There’s some game on every single night, and we’re the newbie on the block so we get the expendable time slots.  Maybe by Season 5 we would’ve been eligible for prime time Sunday night.

Cast Members 1-5: (Stare into space in reverie) Prime time Sunday night….

Cast Member 2: Hold on – is one of the episodes that got cut the one where I did the stunt it took me three months to train for?

Showrunner: (Twitchily) Yes.

Cast Member 2: (Stares coldly at Showrunner) There are no words.

Cast Member 5: And another thing –

Showrunner: Arrrrggghhh, what?!

Cast Member 5: We’re still filming.  If our season finale is now our series finale, no storylines are wrapped up and the script left it on a cliffhanger.  Are you going to rewrite any of it?

Cast Member 1: (To self as eyes widen in horror) Oh no, more lines I’ve gotta memorize….

Showrunner: There’s no time to rewrite; we’re getting shut down as soon as we wrap.  (Waves arms around at the set) This whole soundstage’s getting taken over by a game show next week.

Cast Member 4: You mean they’re not even going to keep all this pretty fake nature around?  Don’t let the crew who built it find that out.

Crew Member 1: Too late, but we’re used to it.

Cast Member 1: Back up a moment – next week?  You scheduled us for another month to finish the two-parter!

Showrunner: Two-parter’s now a one-parter.

Cast Members 1-5: Ohhhhh....

Showrunner: Yeah: I’ve got no time to rewrite, yet I’m expected to chop, chop, chop it all up anyway!

Cast Member 2: So I’m guessing the emotional reunion with our long-lost comrade is one of the scenes on the chopping block.

Showrunner: Yep – I told that actor a little while ago not to bother coming back in; wasn’t happy that their final scene on the show is now being knocked unconscious like a wimp.

Cast Member 3: Don’t tell me the huge scene showing that my character’s had amnesia this whole time without knowing it is now, what, gone too?!

Showrunner: Yeah, that plotline seems rather pointless now.

Cast Member 4: Will we still get to film the big chase scene with all the cars and the trucks and the spaceships and the horses and… (Trails off as the other stare back) Answered my own question.

Cast Member 1: (To Showrunner) Bottom line: what’s the actual last scene to the series now?  Are we at least keeping the whole epic conclusion where we sail off into the supernova while singing “Happy Birthday”?

Showrunner: Our special effects budget was reallocated to the game show, so everything going forward has to be practical effects or reused footage.

Cast Member 1: We’ve been reduced to black box theater; I get it.

Cast Member 2: Speaking of theater, I think now’s the perfect time for me to return to Broadway – it seems that’s where I really belong after all.

Cast Member 1: Oh come on, everyone leaves Broadway to do TV and movies!  You only go back when you’re an actual star so the audience claps for your entrances and no one else’s!

Cast Member 2: Well at least I have something to fall back on – this was supposed to be your big break, and now the proverbial rug’s been proverbially pulled out from under your proverbial unprepared feet.

Cast Member 1: Don’t I know it!  (To Showrunner) Do you realize how many gigs I turned down because this show was supposed to be The One?!

Showrunner: You’re telling me!  This – (Waves arms around at the set again) was my show!  All of it, every last piece of fakery, was my baby!

Cast Member 1: Oh please: you’ve got five other shows and two movies going on as we speak!

Showrunner: Well….

Cast Member 1: (Gasps in horror) You probably wanted this one to fail, so you could concentrate on the others that’ll make more money, and meanwhile this show will be forever enshrined in “Cult Classic” status and everyone will feel sorry for you for how it all went down – DIABOLICAL!

Crew Member 2: Excuse me – (The others turn to listen) if we’re not actually going to work today, can we call it quits and start prepping for the game show?

Showrunner: No-no, everyone’s still working on this show until the bitter end; we owe it to the fans if nothing else!  And all your contracts say so.

Others: Aw, yeah, right, union, guild….

Showrunner: So!  Much shorter scripts will be sent to you this afternoon; get your belongings out of your cubby holes before next Friday; let’s finish this beautiful thing we created together on the highest note that will resound throughout the halls of classic TV-dom forever; don’t let the fans down!  (Exits the soundstage, surrounded by staff)

Cast Member 1: (To Cast Members 2-5) I don’t know about you, but whatever character motivation I had is all gone now.

Cast Member 2: Same.  I think the wind’s been taken out of our sails for that scene we’re maybe doing later: it’ll be hard to get all emotional about characters whose arcs got cut extremely short.

Cast Member 5: Well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

Cast Member 3: Yeah, I did have a blast even knowing the whole time we’d never make it past Season 1.  I’m honestly surprised we made it past Episode 1.

Cast Member 4: You think the fans’ll still like the show in 20-something years as much as they do now?

Cast Member 1: I think so.  The only good thing to come out of all this is that it got cancelled before it got bad.

Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 337: Television Test Studio

           (In an office, a television studio executive and an assistant are seated at a desk across from a potential showrunner)

          Showrunner: Thank you so much for meeting with me today – I’m very excited to pitch this series to you.

            Executive: Yes, we can tell.  The premise does sound intriguing, so I, too, am excited about all the money we stand to make off of this thing.

            Showrunner: Well, this has been a labor of love for the past 10 years of my life –

            Executive: None of that matters if no one watches past the first 10 minutes of Episode 1; now pitch it to me.

       Showrunner: [Pitches high-concept, epically worldbuilt, complexly characterized, subtly philosophical, soulfully resounding series]

            Executive: (Leaning back with wide-open eyes) Wow.

            Showrunner: You’re darn right “Wow”: this whole thing’ll blow everyone’s minds and change the landscape of television forever, again.  So, yeah, that’s how the series ends; I think it should take about 15 episodes to tell the story properly.

          Executive: Whoa-whoa-whoa, back up a second there; all that was just for one season?

           Showrunner: Well, yeah; I mean, it’s a pretty tight story that can be told in a short period of time – wouldn’t want to end on a cliffhanger and get cancelled, am-I-right?

            Executive: With that kind of attitude, you will be!

            Showrunner: Oh.  OK, I guess you could split the series over two seasons with about seven or eight episodes each.

          Executive: With all due respect to our cousins across the pond – what do you think this is, British broadcasting?!

            Showrunner: Ummm, sooo, what exactly do you want?       

            Executive: Five seasons minimum.

            Showrunner: (Laughs hysterically, then stops abruptly) Oh, you’re serious?

            Executive: I’d actually prefer the series to be extended indefinitely, but my experience in this business has taught me to manage my expectations.

            Showrunner: But – but – that’s completely unsustainable!  Do you know how long it took me to lovingly craft this exquisite work of art?!

            Executive: Ten years, and yet I don’t care: either figure out how to stretch the story out over five seasons of 20-plus episodes each using however many clip shows you need, or figure out what shenanigans the characters can repetitively get into after the ending you currently have.  Find a way to make it work, or you have no show.

            Showrunner: (Pulls hair in despair) I can’t just add to a finished story; it’s complete as it is now!

           Executive: Tell that to the sponsors – they’re not gonna invest in a one-off that builds an audience of consumers just to drop off suddenly in less than a year.  The viewers will tell you the same: I can see the comments now on how they wasted their precious leisure time and brain power on an immersive fantasy world and realistic characters that all up and vanished when one measly season’s over.  The fan fiction alone will eat you alive.

          Showrunner: But the story is over, don’t you get it?!  Anything past that will be a disgusting shadow of its former glory!

           Executive: This is TV – nothing is ever over.  You want it to end on your terms, you should’ve written a novel.

            Showrunner: But none of the cool people I want as fans would read it!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, forgot you were here; go ahead.

            Assistant: This show may be the perfect opportunity to use the Test Studio.

            Executive: Oh, right, forgot that was here, too.  (To Showrunner) Interested?

            Showrunner: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

          Executive: You heard in the news about the mini-black hole discovered right here on Earth recently, yes?

            Showrunner: Yeah, it’s messed up literally everything – so?

            Executive: Well, our studio bought it and –

            Showrunner: What?!

            Assistant: We decided to utilize it to create a Television Test Studio, sort of like a test kitchen without the disastrous consequences.  (Takes out a computer tablet and displays convoluted diagrams) Turns out the black hole leads to an alternate universe with an Earth just like ours in every way, except not everyone there’s left-handed for some reason.

            Executive: It’s a real drag.

           Assistant: So, we can produce your show on that Earth for five seasons and judge the reactions of that audience to see if it would work here, without any of the risk or potential loss of profit on this end.

          Showrunner: (Stares at the diagrams) This is a life-altering, universe-impacting discovery, and you’re using it to test a TV show?!

            Executive: I know, isn’t it great?!  It’ll save us a fortune!

            Assistant: And time: there’s some kind of temporal dilation once you cross the event horizon, so we can do the five years over there and then come back here with extremely minimal loss of time on this end.

            Showrunner: But we’d get older!

            Assistant: Over there, yeah, but we’d supposedly get the years back when we come over here again, kind of like changing time zones or what-not.

            Showrunner: I don’t think that’s how it works.

            Assistant: What can I tell you: I don’t science, I television.

            Executive: So, are you in?

            Showrunner: I don’t know, this is all so weird….

            Executive: You want your series baby see the light of day or not?

            Showrunner: Where do I sign?

FIVE YEARS LATER

        (In an Alternate Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: So!  Reviews for last night’s episode are in.

            Showrunner: (Slumped in the seat) I know, and I don’t want to read them.

            Executive: Oh come on, it’s gotta be a little flattering to read all those embittered fans saying you’ve lost your way – means they loved you at some point!

            Showrunner: They called the show a dumpster fire and wondered how I could’ve written such a great first season if all the others are such obvious money-grabs!

            Executive: Yes, but those same people still give us their money to watch it, so that’s really on them.

          Showrunner: They said the show should’ve ended after Season 1!  I told you this would happen – they hate it, and now they hate me, not you!

          Executive: Calm yourself: they’re still buying the other seasons en masse; I fail to see why you’re letting a few trolls get you down.

            Showrunner: They’re the same fans who loved Season 1!

            Executive: Audiences can be a fickle crew.

         Showrunner: And you even lost money when you made me write Season 3 to take place entirely in the characters’ minds!  The CGI was eye-bleedingly terrible, and all the actors wanted higher salaries because they were practically doing one-person shows!  In pantomime!

          Executive: Yes, I did hate giving into the divas, but we’d’ve lost half the audience if any of those guys had walked out before we got a chance to kill them off between seasons.

           Showrunner: That’s another thing!  You knew the lead villain was supposed to die at the end of Season 1 because the story was over, but you said the audience loved him too much so I had to keep resurrecting him even though it made no sense!  The actor’s been begging me to kill the character for years because he can’t make it believable anymore!

            Executive: Well, then he clearly does not take his craft seriously.

            Showrunner: Whatever.  Series finale is next week and it can’t come soon enough; I just won't read anything about how much everyone hated it, that’s all.

           Executive: Yeah, about that: the show’s still trending in the top 10, so I’d like at least two more seasons to maximize our returns – three, if I can be greedy.

            Showrunner: (Stares in horror) It has been bled beyond dry.  The critics are right: I have been making this up as I go along, for years!

            Executive: True, but they don’t need to have that theory confirmed, do they?

          Showrunner: What am I gonna do with these characters for another 20 episodes?!  They’ve already saved the world 100 times, plus they’ve all hooked up with each other and had 15 babies with three more on the way; what’s next, they colonize Mars?!

            Executive: (Starts writing on a notepad) Ooh, that’s a great idea –

           Showrunner: (Slams hand on the desk) No!  No-no-no!  You’ve already warped my beautiful creation into an unrecognizable mass of rubbish; this madness ends now!

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: Oh, sorry, forgot you were here; go ahead.

           Assistant: I think our testing phase is complete and has effectively demonstrated that this show should only have one season.

          Executive: Oh, right, also forgot that’s what we’ve been doing here.  (To Showrunner) All right, you win: the viewers have clearly spoken and want just the one perfect season, so we’ll go back to our universe now and go do that.

            Showrunner: (Bleary-eyed) I don’t even remember why we came here.

APPROXIMATELY FOUR YEARS EARLIER

        (In the Prime Earth office, Executive and Assistant are seated at a desk across from Showrunner)

            Executive: Well, well, well!  It’s not often that I’m wrong, but I do admit when I am – the show was a smashing success, the viewers are sad that it’s over but continue to rave about how awesome it was, and our ratings have never been higher, all thanks to you!

            Showrunner: Wow.  Thank you for saying that: this past year’s been an immense relief, let me tell you, and fulfilling on a deep, personal level, if I might add.

            Executive: I wish you wouldn’t.

            Assistant: If I may interject?

            Executive: You always do.

          Assistant: Now that this show is completely over, we have been looking at the possibility of at least 10 spin-offs –

            (Showrunner face plants onto the desk)

            Executive: Oh, don’t be so glum – we have a whole alternate universe Test Studio to try them out in first!