DAY 1
(In a large
field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching
every which way)
Host: (To the
camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme
Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are
sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!
(Host and Camera
Operator jog over to the contestant line)
Host: So,
briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary
competition! (Holds the microphone out
to each in turn)
Contestant 1:
Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really
need the prize money.
Host: Well
that’s a shame – next?
Contestant 2:
I’m doing this for the fame and glory.
Host: Good luck
with that – next?
Contestant 3:
I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair
doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else. And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable
folding ramps with me right here. (Pats
a large bag)
Host: Now that’s
a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?
Contestant 4: I
signed up `cause I was bored.
Host: Sounds
about right – and now, for the distribution of The List! (An employee hands each Contestant a
laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them –
first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority,
wins! The rest can slink off back to
wherever you came from.
Contestant 2:
What if there’s a tie?
Host: I highly
doubt it.
Contestant 2:
Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us
get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?
Host: The odds
of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.
Contestant 2:
Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?
Host: Then fight
to the death, I don’t know! (To the
rest) Are you all ready?
Contestant 1: (Raises
hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically
“stealing” any of these? Asking for a
friend.
Host: No! These are all items that are either public
property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much
all of them back at the end!
Contestant 3:
(Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –
Host: Too
bad! You all knew what you were getting
into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of
these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing
going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!
Contestant 1: Do
we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like
needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?
Host: Get set!
Contestant 2:
(Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?
Host:
GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(The Contestants
crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)
DAY 2
(At a
Renaissance Faire)
Host: After a
few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival –
(Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did
we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.
(Contestant 1 is
standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on
the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)
Contestant 1:
(Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!
Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow! Thanks, gentlefolk! (Starts skipping away while swinging the
arrow and is stopped by Host)
Host: You know
you could have just bought one –
Contestant 1: I
NEED THE MONEY!
DAY 5
(In a mountain
range with an active volcano)
Host:
(Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted
mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two
items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s
Tear. Let’s go have a look.
(Host climbs
farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4
had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)
Contestant 4: Oh,
hey there; what’s up?
Host: We’re here
to ask you the same thing.
Contestant 4:
Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to
briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a
dragon cry or something. These game
designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?
Host: I’m not
legally allowed to comment. So, how long
do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?
Contestant 4:
Zero minutes – she’s right over there.
(Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)
Host: Oh. (Faints)
Contestant 4:
You OK? (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re
fine. (Resumes climbing over treasure to
reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the
former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as
the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet. Six
down, four to go. (Turns to leave, then
turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)
Dragon: (Wakes
up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!
I didn’t sign a waiver for this!
(Dragon chases
Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)
Host:
(Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4)
Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?! You were the only one who got here while she
was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!
Contestant 4:
(Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate
you on the way out, then what’s the point?
DAY 7
(At a castle
during a thunderstorm)
Host: (Standing
in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2
until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve
all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days
from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans
firsthand.
(Contestant 2 is
on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell
phone)
Contestant 2:
(As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold! I will be the first human being in all of
history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle! (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning
strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.
Host:
Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to
the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there. (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)
DAY 8
(On a space
shuttle)
Host: I’m here
before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted
spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon. (To Contestant 3) Nervous?
Contestant 3:
(In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!
Host: No, they
all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the
Smithsonian.
Contestant 3:
Wimps!
(The countdown
to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it
blasts into space)
DAY 9
Host: We
arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s
have a look, shall we?
(Grainy footage
shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as
their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a
Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s
surface toward the small Earth in the distance)
Contestant 3:
I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….
DAY 10
(In the same
large field where the contest started)
Host: Well, it’s
the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now
that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night. (Looks around at the empty field and mutters)
They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.
(Simultaneously,
all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of
a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus
surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover
over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain
vehicle, laughing all the way. They
crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before
the judges confiscate their satchels)
Host: Oh bother,
they did wind up all getting here at the same time. Judges?
Lead Judge:
(After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.
Host: So they
each have nine items?
Lead Judge:
Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.
Contestant 2:
(Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!
I told you – what now, huh?
What now?!
Host: …Fight to
the death?
Lead Judge: Just
split the prize money four ways!
Contestant 1:
Yesssss!
Lead Judge: And
then tax it.
Contestant 1:
Boo.
Contestant 3:
(Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this
up soon? I gotta get the rock back and
I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.
Contestant 4: I
think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over
again.
Everyone Else:
NO!
Contestant 4:
Bummer. (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)
Host: (To the
camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and
foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at
our expense. I hope you’re happy! (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”) That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no
matter what. So tune in next week for
our new show, Extreme Bingo!
(Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what
exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!
