Story 613: Thanksgiving Overabundance

             (In a house full of people on Thanksgiving, Host is in the kitchen with Relative 1 and Relative 2 cooking everything at once as the doorbell rings)

Host: (Without looking up from basting a turkey in the oven) Somebody get that!  (Mutters as the front door is opened by other relatives) One thing I get out of doing today….

(Relative 3 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 3: Happy Thanksgiving!

Host and Relatives 1 and 2: (Momentarily looking up from whatever pot/pan/cutting board they are working on) Hiiiiiiiii…..

Host: (Double-takes and then points the baster at Relative 3’s pan) What is that?!

Relative 3: (Holds up the pan) Oh, it’s the second turkey you wanted.

Relative 1: (Stops slicing carrots; to Host) Hey, I thought you wanted me to get the second turkey.

Host: (Closes eyes in frustration) Blast and dangnation, I lost track of what I told people to bring!  (Lifts a cover off of a large pan sitting on the counter and gestures to that and the oven) As you can see, we already have two turkeys!  (Lets the cover drop back onto the pan)

Relative 3: OK, well, this one’s all cooked, so maybe we can do a kind-of turducken situation here, except instead of it being turkey-duck-chicken it’ll be turkey-turkey-turkey?

Relative 2: (Mashing potatoes) I don’t know, those things always feel like crossing a line to me.

Host: We’re eating it either way!

Relative 2: Yeah, but when you get to the point where you’re shoving bodies into each other, it starts to feel like desecration.

Host: Nobody asked you, and we’ve got to do something, we’ve now got three cooked turkeys and not enough stomachs to digest them!

Relative 3: (Arms sagging) Can I at least put this somewhere before you’re back down to two cooked turkeys?

(Relative 1 rushes over to take the pan and brings it with Relative 3 following into the dining room as the doorbell rings)

Host: (Finishes basting the turkey in the oven and slams the door shut) Somebody get that!  (Stirs all the pots of sides and gravy that are on the stove as Relative 1 re-enters the kitchen, washes hands, and goes back to slicing vegetables) What am I gonna do with three turkeys?!

Relative 2: (Slicing bread) Maybe sell one?

Host: (Looks witheringly at Relative 2, then looks away in consideration) Hmmm….

(Relative 4 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 4: Happy Thanksgiving!

Host: (Turns off a food processor and stares in disbelief at the pan) That… doesn’t look like the corn casserole I told you to bring.

Relative 4: Oh yeah, that literally fell through, so I had this free turkey from the supermarket that I was going to donate but then realized you were having so many of us over this year that I could donate it to you instead, heh-heh.  (Host still stares at the pan) It’s all cooked and everything, so no sweat.

Host: (Still staring at the pan) I thought you were a vegetarian!

Relative 4: Well, mostly, but I’m sympathetic to the needs of you omnivores.

Relative 1: (As Host still stares at the pan) The thing is, we already have three turkeys.

Relative 4: Oh.  How’d that happen?

Host: (Finally looks at Relative 4) It doesn’t matter how it happened!  Just – put it in the dining room and we’ll figure it out later!  (Relative 2 guides Relative 4 to the dining room; Host rips open a package of mushrooms and starts sautéing them on the stove as the doorbell rings) Somebody get that!  (To Relative 1) At this rate, we’re going to have more turkeys than sides!

Relative 1: (Serenely tearing apart a head a lettuce into a large bowl) Hm.  Want me to run out to the store and grab some corn or peas or something?

Host: Thanks, but I wouldn’t send my worst enemy out on these roads on Thanksgiving.

(Relative 5 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 5: Happy Thanks- !

Host: (Whirls on Relative 5) GET OUT!

Relative 5: Huh?

Host: (Points a spoon at the pan) Is that a turkey?!

Relative 5: Well yeah, you kind of need one for Thanksgiving, right?

Host: I TOLD YOU TO BRING CRANBERRY SAUCE!

Relative 5: (Thinks on this for a moment) Oh yeah; how’d I mix those up?

Host: Don’t talk to me. (Resumes stirring everything on the stove frantically as Relative 2 re-enters the kitchen) Great, just great – what am I gonna do with seven turkeys?!

Relative 1: (Gently mixing salad in the bowl) It’s not so bad: you’ve only got five turkeys.

Host: (Shakes the spoon at Relative 1) Not helping!

Relative 2: (Takes the pan from Relative 5) Here: we’ll line it up with the others.

Relative 5: (Following Relative 2 into the dining room) “Others”?

Host: (Swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – the table will be full of turkeys, and no cranberry sauce, no corn casserole, and no potato pie!

Relative 1: (Gasps in mid-salad dressing stir) What?!  Who forgot the potato pie?!

Host: I did when I told two people to bring turkeys!

Relative 1: Oh right, that.  (Goes back to stirring)

Relative 2: (Re-enters the kitchen) I hate to ask, but since everything’s almost done, how do you want to go about carving all the birds?

Host: (Entire body trembles while stirring stuffing, then stops and raises an eyebrow in sudden thought) I have an idea…. 

ONE HOUR LATER 

(At the long dining room table plus an extension, 20 relatives sit facing five cooked turkeys lined down the center of the tables with small dishes of sides and salad squeezed in-between each plate)

Host: (Stands up at the head of the table, raising a glass; relatives all do the same) This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of us who could be here today, sharing in the love, the joy, and the companionship of family, and in this wonderful, delicious, and so so abundant meal that was such a team effort to put together.

Relatives: (Smiling) Hear, hear!  (Start to drink)

Host: Also!  (Relatives raise their glasses again) I am so thankful for all of you being so helpful today, in graciously carving out your own, special piece of whichever turkey you choose from the plethora we have available, since we are so blessed with all this bounty.  (Blank stares from Relatives) Don’t be shy – dig in!

(Relatives stare at the turkeys as Host sits back down, satisfied; several grab knives and forks and do their best to carve for themselves and the ones sitting next to them)

Relative 6: (Leaning around a turkey to shout down the table) Can somebody pass the cranberry sauce?

Host: (Coolly drizzling gravy all over a full plate) Cranberry sauce will not be appearing in tonight’s meal.

Relative 6: Oh.  (Looks down in disappointment) The one thing I was looking forward to….

Relative 7: (Whispers to Relative 8 while slicing pieces from different turkeys) What are we going to do with all these leftovers?

Relative 8: (Whispers while spooning stuffing onto a plate) Won’t go to waste: whatever the humans don’t eat or bring home, the dogs’ll take care of the rest.  (Nods to the two dogs sitting patiently in a nearby corner)

Relative 7: (Whispers) Sure – it’s their Thanksgiving, too.

Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.

Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest

            (In a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)

Guest 1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”

Host: (Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for these pans, that’d be a big help!

Guest 1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.

(In the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the front door suddenly bursts open)

Freeloader: Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!

Guests: Heyyyyy….

Guest 2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands) Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?

Freeloader: Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!  I need a drink.  (Grabs an iced tea from a cooler, piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!  (Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)

Host: (Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!

Freeloader: (Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!

Host: (Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….

(After dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)

Host: (Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a big help –

Guests 1-20: Not at all!

(In the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as several children rambunctiously play)

Freeloader: (Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.

Child 1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take my place in the dish-drying line.

Freeloader: (Eyes close) Good for you.

Children 2-8: As must we all.

Freeloader: (Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh landing on the roof just now?

Children 1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!  (They all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)

Freeloader: (Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.  (Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree, then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.  Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully and gently accusingly back.  The two stare at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the kitchen) Wait!  Save me a pot to scrub – a potato to wrap up – anything!

(Guest 2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and follow)

Guest 3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there until Christmas Day?

Guest 2: What can I tell you?  He works in mysterious ways.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.