Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.

Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest

            (In a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)

Guest 1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”

Host: (Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for these pans, that’d be a big help!

Guest 1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.

(In the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the front door suddenly bursts open)

Freeloader: Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!

Guests: Heyyyyy….

Guest 2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands) Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?

Freeloader: Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!  I need a drink.  (Grabs an iced tea from a cooler, piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!  (Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)

Host: (Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!

Freeloader: (Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!

Host: (Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….

(After dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)

Host: (Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a big help –

Guests 1-20: Not at all!

(In the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as several children rambunctiously play)

Freeloader: (Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.

Child 1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take my place in the dish-drying line.

Freeloader: (Eyes close) Good for you.

Children 2-8: As must we all.

Freeloader: (Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh landing on the roof just now?

Children 1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!  (They all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)

Freeloader: (Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.  (Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree, then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.  Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully and gently accusingly back.  The two stare at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the kitchen) Wait!  Save me a pot to scrub – a potato to wrap up – anything!

(Guest 2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and follow)

Guest 3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there until Christmas Day?

Guest 2: What can I tell you?  He works in mysterious ways.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.

Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!