Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 608: Oblivia Starring In… IT CAME FROM OUT OF THE BATHTUB DRAIN!

            (In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)

Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >

(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)

Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm.  It’s never made that sound before.

(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?

(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)

Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!

Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….

Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess?  Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.

Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?

Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.

Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – !  (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner)  Ack!  Gag!  Achoo!  (Sneezes)

Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you.  Now hold still while I wipe you up.

Creature: Aiiiiii!!!!  (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away!  This whole thing is getting out of control.

Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say.  How long have you been living down that drain anyway?  My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.

Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!

Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!

Creature: Yes!  For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!

(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)

Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?!  I think I’d remember creating something like you!

Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!

Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I?  Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.

Creature: …What?!

Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean.  Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.

Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there!  Grime from the day!  Excess skin being sloughed off!  Your hair, all over!

Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.

Creature: Of course you do!  You’re doing it right now!

Oblivia: What?  (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh.  Stress of the situation.

Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!

Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?

Creature: Aha!  It’s too late now, for I have emerged!

Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?

Creature: Unbelievable!  Just – cower in fear, puny mortal!  (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!!  All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!  (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)

Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish. 

THE END??????  (Yes)

Story 607: Camping With Vampires: A Crossover Event!

            (In the woods at night, Friend 1, Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Sibling 2 sit around a roaring campfire; Friend 1 checks toasted marshmallows on skewers, Friend 2 and Sibling 2 fan themselves with caps, and Sibling 1 uses a battery-powered fan that sprays water; all four are wearing T-shirts and shorts, and sweating)

Friend 1: (Handing out a skewer each) All righty, these seem to be done – you want to break out the chocolate and crackers or take these plain?

Sibling 2: (Staring at the skewer briefly before looking at Friend 1) I’ll actually answer that question with a question: whose idea was it to meet up for s’mores over a blazing campfire IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER?

Friend 1: (Coolly) It’s October: this is prime Halloween season, and fall started almost a month ago, so naturally, one would assume there’d be at least a chill in the air at this time of the year.

Sibling 2: I don’t know where you’ve been, but except for the occasional major storm or random cold snap, there hasn’t been a regular chill in the air at this time of year for the past 20 years!

Friend 1: (Still coolly) I’m sorry that, unlike you, I refuse to allow reality to hold sway over my life.

Sibling 2: Clearly!

Friend 2: OK, let’s settle down before we all pass out.

Sibling 1: (Holds out the fan to Sibling 2) Want some?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it for a few moments) …Yes please.  (Vigorously sprays water and waves the fan all over before handing it back to Sibling 1)

Friend 2: Now, steady unseasonable heat wave or not, we’re here to have fun, right?

Sibling 1: Yep!  (Takes a big bite out of the toasted marshmallow) Ow!  (Lets it fall out) Oops.

Friend 2: So, since it’s a nonrefundable fee to camp here tonight, let’s have fun and pretend it’s chilly with a full moon out instead of hot and humid with no moon, and get on with the scary stories.  (Starts assembling the marshmallow, chocolate, and crackers)

Friend 1: Thank you.  (Sibling 2 bites into a bar of chocolate and makes a face at Friend 1 who makes a face back) Let us begin: this tale is especially chilling –

Sibling 2: (Around a mouth full of chocolate) HA!

Friend 1: (Briefly glares at Sibling 2) Especially chilling, since it takes place in these very woods.

Sibling 1: (Swallowing a piece of still-hot marshmallow and gasping) Hey, no one told me we were staying in haunted woods!  I wouldn’t have come, then!

Sibling 2: Relax: all woods are haunted, it’s no big deal.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!  You never told me that all those times we went camping when we were kids!

Sibling 2: Didn’t want to scare you.

Friend 1: Ahem!  May I continue?!

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: Sorry.

Friend 1: Thanks.  As I was saying, this tale takes place in these very woods, which still are haunted to this day.

Sibling 1: (Shivers and pulls out a blanket from one of the tents to snuggle) Ooh, now I’m getting chills.

Friend 1: Awesome.  The creatures that haunt these woods aren’t ghosts, or goblins, or trolls, or werewolves, or dragons, or dinosaurs –

Friend 2: Skip a bit.

Friend 1: Right.  The dreaded creatures that haunt these woods are none other than – VAMPIRES!

Sibling 1: (Trembling all over) Oooooohhhhhhh….

Sibling 2: Odd choice, but OK.

Friend 1: Oh yes, many a camper has been attacked by these fiendish beings, barely escaping with their lives to tell the tale!

Sibling 1: Oh, so they live?

Friend 1: Yes, so they could tell the tale.

Sibling 1: Thought there’d be a body or two.

Friend 1: Ghoulish, but never mind: and so, the helpless victims are taken – in the night!

Sibling 1: Ah!

Friend 1: As they sleep – in their tents!

Sibling 1: AH!

Friend 1: And when they wake, they see… THE MARK!

Sibling 1: AAAAHHHH!  What mark?!

Friend 1: The mark… OF A FANG!

Sibling 1: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  (Hides under the blanket)

Sibling 2: (Lifts up a corner of the blanket) Get a grip.

Sibling 1: Ssshhh!  (To Friend 1, peeking out from under the blanket) A real fang?!

Friend 1: Oh yes!  The mark of a fang, and the inflammation OF THE DRAINED BLOOD!   MWAHAHAHA!

Sibling 1: Ohhhh noooo!!  (Hides under the blanket again, shivering uncontrollably)

Sibling 2: (To Friend 1) Sooooo, it’s a mosquito?

Friend 1: What?  No, it’s a vampire!

Sibling 2: A vampire with one fang?

Friend 1: …Ye-es, to throw you off the scent!

Sibling 2: So, everyone camping out here would be just fine if they used bug spray and mosquito netting?

Sibling 1: (Throws off the blanket) Really?  Oh.

Friend 1: No, they wouldn’t be just fine, because the vampires laugh at such trifles, and THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU!

Sibling 1: Oh no!  Why’d we ever come here tonight?!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe we should change to some lighter fare, like werewolves or zombies.

Sibling 2: (Rubbing Sibling 1’s back soothingly) Yes please – I’ve got one: it’s the tale of a wolf who wanted to be a real –

Friend 1: HOLD IT!  (Everyone freezes) I didn’t even finish my vampire story and you’re already cutting in with a different monster?!

Sibling 2: No one’s scared of mosquitoes, OK?!

Friend 1: They’re not mosquitoes!  And you would be scared if you knew how many pints they could drain and viruses they could transmit in a single slurp!

Sibling 1: Viruses, oh!  (Starts to keel over and is propped up by Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: All right, fine, they’re very real-world scary, can we move on to the make-believe stuff now?

Friend 2: I vote “Yes”.

Friend 1: Traitor.

Sibling 1: (Holding onto the blanket for comfort) I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Sibling 2: (Holds out a chocolate bar) Here, have some.

Sibling 1: Ooh, yummy!  (Scarfs it down)

Friend 1: Well, I just have to say, if we all wake up tomorrow morning drained of our entire blood volume, don’t come crying to me!  (The other three give puzzled looks) Never mind – go on with the werewolf saga. 

THE NEXT DAY 

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 walk along a trail through the woods)

Friend 1: (Kicking aside fallen branches lying in the path) You know, I didn’t want to mention it at breakfast, but I believe I fell victim to an attack in the night.

Sibling 2: (Dryly) Really.  (Drinks water out of a bottle)

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  I didn’t want to start a panic or be ridiculed yet again, but I woke up this morning and saw… THE MARK.

(They both stop as Friend 1 holds out a wrist to show a small red bump)

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: While I was sleeping, no less.

Sibling 2: Naturally.  So, what, you want some anti-itch cream?

Friend 1: I suppose you were left untouched last night, then.

Sibling 2: No – (Briefly pulls aside shirt collar to show many bumps) even with mosquito netting and spray, I’m covered in bites; so I’m writing to the manufacturers for refunds, but otherwise you don’t hear me complaining, do you?

Friend 1: (Staring in horror at Sibling 2, whispering) They went for the jugular….

Sibling 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Oh please, just – enough with the story, all right?!  We came here to have a good time, and you keep going on about things that aren’t real and pretending they are!

Friend 1: You know, after our little time-warp adventure last Halloween, I would think you’d be a little more open-minded about supernatural shenanigans!

Sibling 2: That was two Halloweens for me, don’t forget, and I’m still pretending that never happened!

Friend 1: We never would’ve met otherwise!

Sibling 2: Which I’ve regretted ever since!

Friend 1: I wasn’t stating it as a benefit, I was stating it as a fact!

Sibling 2: Well, I still regret it!

Friend 1: And yet you still keep showing up when we all plan get-togethers!

Sibling 2: `Cause I’ve got nothing better to do!

(At a lake, Friend 2 and Sibling 1 sit on lounge chairs perched at the end of a dock, facing the calm, sunny water, sipping iced teas, and basically doing nothing; a fish surfaces momentarily to catch an insect)

Sibling 1: (Pointing at the rippling water) Ooh, there’s another one.

Friend 2: Neat. 

(They sip simultaneously)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) Funny: it sure is peaceful without those two, isn’t it?

Friend 2: (Still staring out at the water) …Just remember: you’re the one who said it.

(On the trail)

Friend 1: – keeps telling me that, but I can’t bring myself to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

Sibling 2: I think your friend is a genius and a saint for sticking with you this long in life.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t true.  (Looks around a bit) Where are we going, anyway?

Sibling 2: Beats me; I’ve been following you.

Friend 1: That’s impossible, because I’ve been following you!

Sibling 2: Well –

(They round a corner and see a group of tiny vampires hovering in mid-air; the group turns to face the other two)

Vampire 1: Heh, these are the ones from last night.

Vampire 2: (To Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Come back for seconds?  Hee-hee-hee!

Vampire 3: (Pats rounded belly) You guys go ahead; I’m full.

Sibling 2: What in the world?!

Vampire 4: Get `em!

Friend 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run but the flying vampires catch up easily and latch onto Friend 1’s arms and Sibling 2’s neck)

Vampire 1: (On Sibling 2) Hey, I actually found an open spot!

Vampire 2: (On Friend 1) Go for it!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 helplessly bat at the vampires attached to them as they slowly sink to the ground)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) At least… I can say… I… told… you… so.... (Passes out)

Sibling 2: (Fading) Fair… enough…. (Also passes out)

Vampire 3: (Flying up to the group as the others detach from the bodies) So, how were they this go-round?

Vampire 1: (Wiping lips) Eh – leftovers are never as good as the original meal.

(The other three murmur in agreement as they fly away, leaving the other two lying on the ground) 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON 

(Friend 2 and Sibling 1 pack up their respective gear)

Sibling 1: (Checking a watch) I dunno, they’ve been gone for hours – you think we should be worried that a bear got them or something?

Friend 2: (Also checks a watch) In that case, I’d be more worried about the bear.

(Both look up as Friend 1 and Sibling 2 slowly emerge from the woods, looking literally drained and covered in red welts, and listlessly scratching all over)

Sibling 1: Whoa, that must’ve been some trail!

Friend 2: (Rushing over to Friend 1) Oh no, were you two attacked?!

Friend 1: (Dazedly) Yes.

Sibling 1: (Rushing over to Sibling 2; intensely) Was it a bear?!

Sibling 2: (Also dazedly) No bear… actual… vampires….  (Suddenly sits down on the ground, still gently scratching everywhere)

Friend 2: Oh.  That again.  (To Friend 1) Seriously: what was it?

Friend 1: (Looking off into the distance while scratching both arms at the same time) No one would listen… no one would heed the warning… but you’ll learn… you’ll learn…. (Still scratching, stumbles a short distance and starts walking into a tree repeatedly)

Sibling 1: (Quietly to Friend 2 after a few moments) You think maybe it was paintball players?

(Before Friend 2 can respond, Vampires 1-4 fly into the camp clearing)

Vampire 1: Oh, you’re all still here?

Vampire 2: You might wanna move on before nightfall – we need to feed every 12 hours, and sleepers are easiest.

Vampire 3: Although, I skipped the unexpected afternoon tea and I’m hungry again now, so…. (Starts to fly toward Friend 2 and Sibling 1, who are frozen in shock)

Vampire 4: (Holds back Vampire 3) Easy there, buddy; a whole new crew of campers are coming in tonight; let’s not keep drinking from the same well, if you know what I mean.

Vampire 1: Yeah, this bunch has suffered enough, AHAHAHAHA!

(They all laugh nastily as they fly away; Friend 2 and Sibling 1 still stare where the group was as Sibling 2 falls over in a doze and Friend 1 continues to walk into the tree)

Sibling 1: …Doooooo you want to scream first, or should I?

Friend 2: You first: I’ll scream after we get them to the hospital.

Story 606: Sentenced to Five Years With a Haunted Smoke Alarm

             (In a noisy courtroom, Judge bangs a gavel furiously)

Judge: Order!  Order, or the next time I have to throw someone out, I’m gonna throw EVERYONE out, understood?!  (Sudden silence) Good.  Now: Defendant, please stand for the verdict.

(Lawyer stands, then pulls up Defendant to stand as the latter simultaneously rolls eyes and head; low murmurs start up again in the courtroom)

Judge: (Holding up a long sheet of paper) To reiterate, I will be reading the verdict due to the entire jury walking out in disgust after submitting it.  (Briefly looks at Defendant over the tops of glasses; Defendant obnoxiously smirks back) On the charges of: Littering; Intent to Litter; Littering With Malice Aforethought; Encouraging Minors to Litter – (Defendant nods in agreement); Never ONCE Using a Recycling Container; Criminal Negligence of a Garbage Can That Was RIGHT THERE; Failure to Honor Carry-in/Carry-Out Programs at County, State, AND National Parks – (Defendant giggles; Judge briefly glares); Attempted Use of a Plastic Bag to Entice a Sea Turtle Into Thinking It Was a Jellyfish – (Courtroom attendees hiss); Throwing Out Banana Peels From a Moving Vehicle; and other charges so numerous and egregious that even your own lawyer testified against you – (Defendant glares at Lawyer; Lawyer shakes head in loathing back) a jury of your peers have found you, the Defendant, Guilty on all counts.

(On the word “Guilty”, the courtroom erupts in cheers and papers being thrown into the air)

Lawyer: (Discreetly fist pumps) Yes!

Defendant: [Seethes at the world]

Judge: (Banging the gavel rapidly) Order!  Ord- ! (The gavel shatters) Oops.  (Tosses the gavel aside as the courtroom settles down; to Defendant) Before we proceed to sentencing, do you have anything, preferably remorseful, to say for yourself?

Defendant: Your Honor, the only thing I have to say is, the sea turtle can suck it.

Courtroom Attendees: BOOOOOO-EWWWWW!!!!

Judge: (Enraged) “IT”?!

Defendant: (Slightly confused) Plastic.  What’d you think I meant?

Judge: (Sighs while removing glasses) Your tasteless response has been noted.  (Folds hands to make a speech) As a judge with several decades on the bench seeing all kinds of defendants presented in this courtroom, it gives me no pleasure in sentencing my fellow human beings to harsh punishments no matter the crime… but today, I’m gonna enjoy this one.  (With a steely glare at Defendant) For the severity of your many, many crimes and apparent lack of remorse, I sentence you to five years of house arrest –

Courtroom Attendees: [Grumblings of disappointment]

Defendant: Oh no, five years in my own house surrounded by all my stuff and not having to deal with traffic, however will I endure?

Judge: I wasn’t finished: five years of house arrest – (Leans down to smile evilly) WITH A HAUNTED SMOKE ALARM.

Defendant: (Freezes) What?

Judge: One smoke alarm, possessed by a poltergeist with instructions to set it off at random times at all hours of the day and night, 24/7, every – single – day – FOR – FIVE – YEARS!

(The courtroom erupts in cheers again)

Lawyer: (To Defendant) AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Defendant: (Starts panicking) Wait – this isn’t – you can’t – Your Honor, may I approach the bench?!

Judge: No!

Defendant: (Ducks Lawyer’s restraining arms and falls to knees in front of the Judge, hands clasped in appeal) I throw myself on the mercy of the court!  I’ll do all the community service; I’ll pick up every piece of plastic in the ocean; I’ll clean up the entire Great Pacific Garbage Patch with a hand vac; I’ll never litter again – !

Judge: You most certainly won’t!  And there’ll be no reprieve, no time off for good behavior: you’ll be serving all 1,826 nerve-shattering days, from beginning to end, no interruptions.  Enjoy being surrounded by all your stuff – little good may it do your peace of mind for the next half a decade!  (To Bailiff) Take `em away, Bailiff!

Bailiff: (Hauling up Defendant by the arms) Right this way, if you please.

Defendant: (To Judge while being dragged out of the courtroom by Bailiff) No!  You can’t do this, it’s inhuman!  (To Lawyer) And you!  You’re not getting a dime outta me!

Lawyer: Joke’s on you – I volunteered for this gig!

Defendant: (To the courtroom at large) Miscarriage of justice!  I hope none of your garbage gets picked up for a week!  (Is pelted with balled-up pieces of paper on the way out)

Judge: (Smiles in contentment) Sometimes, you get a case that restores your faith in justice being served.  (Puts glasses back on while reading from a docket; addresses the courtroom while gesturing to the balls of paper all over the floor)  Make sure you clean this up or you’ll all get citations – (Courtroom Attendees scramble to clean up the mess) I love my job – next case! 

DAY 913 

(At home, Defendant wakes up suddenly, looking exhausted even though it is mid-morning.  Defendant then creakily gets out of bed, scratching the ankle where a monitor is strapped, and gingerly opens the bedroom door, staring up at the smoke alarm that is mounted on the ceiling; a light flashes briefly back.  Defendant tiptoes down the hallway, never looking away from the smoke alarm all the way to the bathroom; after morning ablutions, Defendant goes to the nearby kitchen still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and gently gathers a juice glass, cereal bowl, cereal box, and utensils onto a counter that is thickly padded with dishtowels.  Carefully slicing a banana with a butter knife – )

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

(Defendant shakily drops the knife and banana into the bowl, then grabs a broom propped in the corner, walks down the hallway, and after a few attempts hits the button to deactivate the alarm)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!  BEEEEEEEEP!!!!

(Defendant drops the broom onto the hallway floor, slowly shuffles back to the kitchen, and finishes preparing breakfast)

Defendant: (Props elbows on the counter and holds one hand with the other to keep it steady while eating cereal) Three down, 18-ish to go for the day….

LATER THAT DAY 

(During a video meeting, Defendant is wearing a suit jacket barely buttoned over the bathrobe and still looking a wreck, speaking to faces on a laptop while seated at the padded kitchen counter)

Defendant: …and we still need to figure out when to schedule the inspection prep before the inspectors actually show up this time –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (As everyone on the meeting winces) Ah!  Sorry; as I was saying – 

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: (Shouting over the alarm) Look, I hate to bring this up, but since we didn’t mind keeping you on even though you’re a convicted felon –

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Shouting over the alarm) And I am so appreciative you did, `cause I don’t think anyone else would have me just on principle!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Yeah, well, then do you mind muting yourself when that thing goes off?!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: I can’t mute when I’m presenting!

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Manager: Then maybe these meetings should be e-mails going forward, `K?!  Bye!  (Signs off the meeting, followed by everyone else)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Stares blearily at the flashing lights in the hallway) Huh.  A silver lining. 

LATER THAT DAY 

(Defendant answers the door, still wearing the pajamas and bathrobe but now no suit jacket)

Friend: (Standing at the door and holding up an ancient tome) Hey – oh, wow, you look awful.

Defendant: Yes-yes, you tell me that every time you stop by – (Nods at the book) Is that it?

Friend: Yeah, it took me ages to track it down; now you’re sure I’m not gonna get in any – (Looks around furtively, then whispers the next two words) legal trouble getting it for you, right?

Defendant: (Grabbing the hefty book out of Friend’s hands) No of course not, it’s just a little light reading for Halloween, spirit of the season, have-fun-thanks-bye!  (Slams the door in Friend’s face)

Friend: (Shakes head while leaving and muttering) Last time I ever do you a favor, litterbug….

(Defendant roughly turns the book’s pages, frantically skimming the headings while walking into the hallway that now has a pentagram inscribed on the floor directly below the smoke alarm, with tall candles strategically placed all around it)

Defendant: (Stops on a page) AHA!  Gotcha!  (Glances from the illustration on the page to the one on the floor and back several times to compare) Not… bad…. (Takes a piece of chalk from a robe pocket and adds a few finishing touches to the pentagram) There.  That should do it.  (Grabs a candle lighter that was lying on the floor, lights the candles, sits cross-legged at the edge of the pentagram, places the open book on the floor within reading distance, and opens arms wide in supplication while addressing the smoke alarm in-between checking the text) “Oh, Darkest Night…. Oh, Foulest Day…. Oh, Creature of the Netherest Netherworld…. Oh – ”

Poltergeist: (Walks up to Defendant from the living room, eating a cookie) You trying to summon me or something?

Defendant: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Jumps up and crashes back against a hallway wall) Stay back, Demon!

Poltergeist: Not a demon.  (Finishes the cookie and licks fingers clean) Judge figured you’d’ve tried this back in Year 1 – me, I’m surprised you lasted this long.

Defendant: (Slides down the wall and onto the floor) Wait, so… everyone knew I’d try to get you to stop?

Poltergeist: Oh yeah – you think you’re the first troublemaker to try that trick?  Nobody’s ever original, I tell you.

Defendant: (Leans head against the wall) All right, I’ll just ask you, then: Can you please stop setting off the smoke alarm, I’m begging you!

Poltergeist: (Crouches down in the hallway and flips through the book a bit, stopping to read one page) Heh, that’s a good one.  (To Defendant) `Fraid not, my friend: I signed an unbreachable contract with Judge, so it’s all day/every day for all five years, and not a second less.

Defendant: (Fighting back tears of exhaustion) What do you even get out of it anyway?

Poltergeist: Entertainment.  It’s all anyone ever really wants, isn’t it?  I was told you’ve been very bad in messing up your planet, both for yourself and for everyone else stuck here with you, so I am taking great pleasure in watching your nerves continue to fray, inch-by-inch.

Defendant: (Holding aching head) Ohhhh….

Poltergeist: It was hysterical when I set it off at 3 in the morning last week: you flew out of bed and crashed right into the wall!  Was that where the door used to be where you grew up or something?

Defendant: (Lowers hands) …What if I converted entirely to solar power?

Poltergeist: (Floats off the floor) Nah, you still gotta serve out your term regardless.  But you’re on the right track for, you know, afterward.

Defendant: (Dazed) Afterward…. I don’t know if my ears’ll ever be quite right again.

Poltergeist: (Waves off Defendant dismissively) You’ll be fine – I usually don’t set if off when you’re right under it.  I mean, this is fun and all, but I’m not a monster.

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Defendant: (Covers ears and cowers away from the smoke alarm) NOOOOOO!!!!!  You just said!

Poltergeist: (Stares at the smoke alarm, then down at the layer of smoke above the hallway floor) Looks like this one’s for real – you should be more careful when lighting candles in the home, you know?  (Snuffs out all of them)

Smoke Alarm: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  FIRE!  BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Poltergeist: Since this one’s an actual alarm, I’ll take care of it.  (Floats closer to Defendant) You hang in there, buddy: only two-and-a-half years to go, mwahahahahaha!  (Floats up to the ceiling and disappears into the smoke alarm)

Smoke Alarm: SMOKE PREVIOUSLY DETECTED – BEEP-BOOP!

Defendant: (Lowers arms while looking up at the smoke alarm) Thanks, you’re a real pal.  (Passes out on the floor) 

MORNING OF DAY 1,827 

(Defendant answers the front door, still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and looking a wreck, but now also wearing giant headphones)

Judge: (Standing with Bailiff at the door) Hi there!

Defendant: (Lowers the headphones) …I’m sorry, who are you?

Judge: Always the clown – take it away, Bailiff!

Defendant: Eh?  (Bailiff bends down and removes Defendant’s ankle monitor) Oh.  Forgot all about that.

Bailiff: (Standing again) Most people do.

Judge: Now then: (Puts on glasses and reads from a tablet) “Since Defendant has served all five years of the sentence, punishment is now deemed ‘Paid in Full.’”  (Looks back at Defendant) That means you’re free to go!

Defendant: Go… where?

Judge: Anywhere you want!  As long as you “Leave No Trace” – and don’t commit any other crimes – you can go out and about your business once more!

Defendant: I work from home and have no social life.

Judge: Not my jurisdiction!  Oh, almost forgot.  (Taps a few buttons on the tablet)

Poltergeist: (Flies out of the house; to Defendant) So long, chum – hopefully I’ll never have to see you again!  Onward to the next home appliance haunting!  (Soars into the distance, cackling all the way)

Defendant: So… that’s it?  It’s all over, at last?  The smoke alarm’ll never go off ever again?!

Judge: Well, not unless there’s an actual fire.  Or it’s dirty – make sure to clean it every few months or you’ll get this treatment all over again.  Now: have we learned our lesson, hm?

Defendant: (Rubs temples) You have no idea.  I’m in the middle of inventing a device that neutralizes garbage just to make some of this ordeal worth it.

Judge: Now that’s the kind of rehabilitative attitude we like to hear!  Glad to know our Spirit World Volunteer Program is working out splendidly!

Defendant: I’ll say: if this’d be the typical criminal sentence going forward, I doubt there’d be much crime ever again.

Story 605: The Hunt for Halloween Retail

             (In a warehouse store, Customer 1 intensely searches through the Halloween displays, going up and down the many aisles with an increasingly furrowed brow)

Customer 1: (Muttering) No – (Another aisle) That’s not it – (Another aisle) Not there – (Another aisle) No – no – no – no –

Employee 1: (Pauses after adding extra broomsticks to a bin at the end of the last aisle as Customer 1 is about to WHOOSH! by) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Whirls on Employee 1) Yes: you may regret you asked –

Employee 1: I already do, but go ahead.

Customer 1: I’m looking for something extremely specific, and the company’s site said this was the only store in 700 miles that had it, which is the only reason I left the house today.  (Holds up a phone displaying the incriminating evidence of “In Stock: 2”) It’s the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger, and I irrationally MUST HAVE IT.

Employee 1: (Peers closer at the display and grumbles) Traitor online inventory tracking.

Customer 1: I sympathize, but knowledge gained can’t be unlearned or something like that, so how about it?

Employee 1: (Starts typing on a handheld device) Yeah, it’s just that all our Halloween inventory should be out by now, so if you didn’t see it on any of the shelves then it’s Somewhere Else, which never ends well.  (Reads the results) OK, it’s supposed to be in Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 – let’s go find out.

Customer 1: By all means: lead the way!                                  

(They arrive at Aisle 17, Bay 6, Shelf 3 and are greeted by a sign for the item with a giant empty space below that)

Customer 1: Figures.

Employee 1: (Attaches the device back onto a utility belt) OK, time for Phase 2.  (Crouches down and pulls out a large drawer full of overstock at the bottom of the bay)

Customer 1: Ooh, mysterious.

Employee 1: (Starts tossing out items backward over shoulders; Customer 1 dodges and ducks) Nope – not it – not even close – how’d this get in here?  (Tosses back a Santa Claus pillow)

Customer 1: (Catching the pillow and holding it close) Maybe it’s kept in the back, or it got put in the wrong spot?  I think it’d be too big for that drawer.

Employee 1: (Turns and stares balefully at Customer 1 for several seconds) You’re absolutely right.  (Stands, kicks the drawer shut, ignores the items now lying all over the floor, leaves the aisle, goes to a nearby back wall, and pulls on it to reveal racks with even more overstock in a darkened space)

Customer 1: (Follows to the edge of the open wall, still holding the pillow) I feel like I’m not supposed to be seeing this.

Employee 1: (Rummaging deeper into the overstock) You’re technically not, but I don’t really care at this point.  (Gets pulled deeper into the abyss) C’mon out, you little dweeb….

Supervisor: (Starts to pass by, backtracks to stare into the gaping hole in the wall, then turns to Customer 1) Dooooo you need help finding anything?

Customer 1: (Flinches as a large item crashes inside) I’m being helped, thank you.

Employee 1: (Stumbles out of the wall; to Supervisor) Yes!  Yes, you can help – we’re looking for FrankenWolfWitch!

Supervisor: Sorry, the what?

Customer 1 and Employee 1: (Holding up their devices) Here.

Supervisor: (Quickly glances at both) Oh, that.  Did you check the overstock drawer?

Employee 1: But of course!

Supervisor: OK, maybe it’s up top, then.

Customer 1: Up… top?  (Supervisor and Employee 1 point to the very tops of the towering shelves; Customer 1 stares up for a few moments, then turns back to both) You know, I don’t really need –

Employee 1: (Pulling on heavy-duty work gloves as Supervisor makes a call) Oh no: computer says it’s in stock, and by golly, we are tracking it down if it’s the last thing we do!  Before closing tonight.

Customer 1: Honestly, you’ve gone through more than enough trouble, I can just order it online –

Employee 1: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(An enormous forklift turns a corner and slowly motors over to the group)

Manager: (Wearing a hard hat, drives the forklift to a stop by the aisle of Halloween shelves originally searched) You rang?

Employee 1: Yes, thank you!   (Grabs a hard hat being held out by Manager, hops onto the forks, and points to the top of the shelves) Take me up!  (Is lifted extremely high into the air)

Customer 1: (Holding the Santa Claus pillow tightly while watching Employee 1) This seems a bit dangerous….

Manager: (Monitoring the progress of Employee 1’s ascent) Nah, everyone here loves this stuff; breaks up the shift.  What’re you folks looking for, anyway?

Customer 1 and Supervisor: (Heads tilting back farther and farther) FrankenWolfWitch.

Manager: (Head also tilts back farther and farther) Heh, you don’t know how many times I’ve written corporate and the manufacturer to change the name of that thing – Frankenstein was the name of the scientist, not the creature, but nobody wants to hear it.

Customer 1: Well, “Creature” is too generic and people probably wouldn’t know which one it meant.

Supervisor: Yeah, and “FrankenCreatureWolfWitch” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

Manager: I know, I know; still.  It bothers me.

(Manager stops the ascending forks for Employee 1 to step off those and onto the top of the shelf)

Customer 2: (Passing by with a shopping cart full of items and rowdy children, and glancing up at Employee 1 for a moment; to Customer 1, while leaving) Whatever it is, it isn’t worth it.

Customer 1: I’m starting to feel that way, but they’ve all put in so much effort already.

Employee 2: (Comes over to look up at Employee 1; addresses Supervisor while neither one looks away from the search above) Does this mean we all have to stay late tonight?

Supervisor: Probably.

Employee 2: Drat.  (Cups mouth to shout up at Employee 1) You can do it!  We believe in you!

Employee 1: (Faintly from above) Thank you!

(Other customers and employees join the crowd to watch)

Customer 3: (To Manager) Hey, since you have that thing out, could you grab the last pack of paper towels at the top of the shelf at the front of the store?

Manager: (Not looking away from Employee 1) Not right now, I’m spotting my team member.

Customer 3: Oh.  OK.  (While walking away) Probably could make that climb, I’m still fit….

Manager: (Takes out a megaphone and points it upward to speak) How’s it going up there?

Employee 1: Any… minute… now….

Customer 4: (Shouts up from the back of the crowd) Could you also toss down another scarecrow if you see it, please?  The ones down here are all messed up!  (Several seconds later, a scarecrow soars off the top of the shelf and floats down into Customer 4’s arms) Thank – you!  (Tosses it into a shopping cart and rushes away)

Manager: (On the megaphone again) Need me to bring you over to another aisle?

Employee 1: I don’t think – wait – wait – I GOT IT!  (Holds up FrankenWolfWitch in triumph as the crowd below cheers and applauds)

Customer 1: (Clapping around the pillow, blinking around tears) It’s a Halloween miracle!

(Employee 1 hops onto the forks and holds on with one hand while being lowered back down to ground level by Manager)

Employee 1: (Hops off the forks to cheers, applause, and approving whistles, and formally presents the FrankenWolfWitch Door Hanger to Customer 1) As requested.

Customer 1: (Tosses the pillow to another customer, who puts it into their own shopping cart, and hugs the door hanger) Oh, thank you, thank you!  You’ve truly gone above and beyond!

Employee 1: (Bows to the crowd) All in a day’s work, my good people!

Manager: (Exits the forklift; to the crowd) Yes, yes, I train all our team members personally.

Supervisor: (Looking down at a handheld device; back up to Employee 1) Hey, so, where’s the other one?

(A sudden silence descends upon the crowd)

Employee 1: …What?

Supervisor: It says “In Stock: 2”, so where’s the other one?

Employee 1: ….

Supervisor: ….

Manager: ….

Customers: ….

Employee 1: …The store ghost must’ve taken it.

Crowd: (In understanding) Ahhhhh….

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Typical.

Story 604: What Really Goes On At The Back Of An Orchestra

           (In a large concert hall, orchestra members take their positions at music stands stationed throughout a stage behind closed curtains, as the audience members file in to take their seats on the other side)

Percussionist 1: (Rushes in from stage right, clutching sheet music tightly and squeezing around timpani, xylophones, bass drums, tubular bells, snare drums, and a table full of tambourines and other handheld instruments) Excuse me – pardon me – excuse me – (Almost knocks a triangle off the table) so sorry – (Stops on seeing a group of three musicians, seated in a circle on the floor between a set of large cymbals and a gong, playing cards; all three had stopped and have been staring at Percussionist 1) Hello.

Percussionist 2: (Wearing a green visor) Hi.  You the replacement percussionist for tonight?

Percussionist 1: Oh yes, I was called in just this afternoon – (Steps forward and sticks out a hand for Percussionist 2 to shake, then quickly snatches it back when no reciprocating hand appears) I was told there was a last-minute call-out, and could I fill in at the concert tonight, so of course I immediately cancelled the wisdom tooth removal I was supposed to have done late today and came right over!

Percussionist 2: Hm, yeah, appreciate it.  You play?

Percussionist 1: Oh, um, yes, pretty much everything here – (Wave arms to encompass the array of instruments at the back of the orchestra) except not so much those – (Points to the tubular bells) but I can figure them out if –

Percussionist 2: I meant poker.  (Percussionists 2, 3, and 4 hold up their cards to demonstrate)

Percussionist 1: Oh!  No.  Sorry.

Percussionist 2: Then have a seat.  (Percussionists 2, 3, and 4 scooch along the floor to make a space in the circle) You’d better learn fast, else this’ll be a long night.

Percussionist 1: (Hesitatingly walks over, sets down the sheet music, and sits in the new space)) Ohhhh-kaaaay, but shouldn’t I really be taking this time to practice the music for tonight?

(Percussionists 2, 3, and 4 stare blankly at Percussionist 1)

Percussionist 2: A little late for that now, isn’t it?

Percussionist 1: Well, yes, but I was called in last-minute –

Percussionist 2: So you said.

Percussionist 3: Wouldn’t want the audience coming in to hear a bunch of ruckus going on behind the curtains, would you?

Percussionist 4: I sure wouldn’t.

Percussionist 1: No, but I just got the music now and would have to go in cold, so to speak.

Percussionist 2: (Leans in toward Percussionist 1) This your first real professional orchestral performance?

Percussionist 1: (Laughs nervously) Is it that obvious?

Percussionists 2, 3, and 4: Yes.

Percussionist 1: Oh.  Well, I’ve played in every school concert ever, and while I wasn’t the first – or second – or third choice for this, my instructor felt I’ve had enough experience to step in as a back-up for tonight.

Percussionist 3: You’re a student?!

Percussionist 1: …Wassss that not mentioned earlier?

Percussionist 4: And not even top of your class?

Percussionist 1: (Looks down, embarrassed) No.  Just the only one available on such short notice.

(Percussionists 2, 3, and 4 look at each other, then back at Percussionist 1)

Percussionist 2: I think you’ll do nicely. 

Percussionist 1: (Looks up suddenly) Huh?

Percussionist 3: All you need to do is hit things back here, and everyone out there loves it.

Percussionist 4: And if you mess up, they’ll never know, and what’s anybody gonna do about it, huh?

Percussionists 2, 3, and 4: NOTHIN’!  (They high five each other)

Percussionist 1: (Deals in Percussionist 1) Now, pay attention to the cards and forget the sheet music…. 

TWENTY MINUTES LATER 

(Conductor emerges from backstage)

Conductor: (To the chatting orchestra members) At the ready, everyone!  We’re on in a minute!  (Exits to prepare for the official entrance)

(The orchestra members straighten up in their positions and focus on their instruments and music as the audience outside applauds the entrance of the evening’s host)

Percussionist 2: (Takes the cards from the others as all four stand; whispering) Whelp, that’s our cue.

Percussionist 1: (Whispering while scrambling to stand) What, this is it?!  I’m nowhere near ready!

Percussionist 3: (Whispering) Kid, no one ever is.  (Lightly slaps Percussionist 1 on the shoulder and takes position at the multiple xylophones)

Percussionist 2: (Whispering to Percussionist 1 while moving the latter to the gong) For this piece, just hit the gong when the conductor points to you.

Percussionist 1: (Panicked whispering) That’s it?!

Percussionist 2: (Whispering while taking position near all the drums) Oh yeah, it’s only about two or three times, no sweat.

(A muffled voice is heard from the other side of the curtains, introducing the orchestra and program for the night)

Percussionist 1: (Panicked whispering) Well which is it, two or three?!

Percussionist 2: (Whispering while taking off the visor and tossing it away somewhere) I dunno, check the sheet music.

Percussionist 1: (Panicked whispering while head zips from side-to-side looking all around the floor) Where did it go?!

Percussionist 4: (Whispers to Percussionist 1 from the tubular bells) Don’t even worry about it – it’s not as if the conductor’s gonna stop the entire performance cold and yell at you for missing your cue or anything.

Percussionist 1: (Panicked whispering) Oh no?!  I’ve seen it happen!

Percussionist 4: (Whispering) Oh wow, that must’ve been really awkward.

Percussionist 1: (Panicked whispering) That’s putting it mildly!

Percussionist 2: (Casually leaning on the timpani while handing over the found sheet music and whispering to Percussionist 1) Relax, you’ve got this – just don’t mess up and you’ll be fine.

Percussionist 1: [Strangled cry]

Percussionist 2: (Whispering) Or mess up – no one really cares that much.

Percussionist 1: [Gulps]

Euphonium Player: (Seated in front of the percussion section, turns around and loudly whispers) Could you all knock it off!  Show’s gonna begin in about five seconds!

Percussionist 2: (Loudly whispering) Oh please, everyone out there is barely aware your instrument even exists.

Euphonium Player: (Loudly whispering) You’d all miss me if I was gone!  (Turns back around in a huff)

(Curtains are drawn back as the audience applauds again and Conductor enters from stage right, smiling and bowling, then takes place at the podium, signals for most of the orchestra members to tune up, then raises and lowers arms to begin the concert.  Several minutes into the first piece, a flask is unobtrusively passed from Percussionist 4 to Percussionist 2, who both temporarily hide behind the tubular bells to take a swig; Percussionist 2 then holds it below the audience’s sight line toward Percussionist 1, whose eyes widen in shock at Percussionist 2)

Percussionist 2: (Sets down the flask and signs below the sight line between drumbeats) M – I – L – K – S – H – A – K – E

Percussionist 1: (Signing below the sight line) G – E – R – M – S

Percussionist 2: (During a pause in beats) S – U – I – T – Y – O – U – R – S – E – L – F  (Picks up the flask again and gestures that Percussionist 1 should pass it to Percussionist 3; Percussionist  1 does so, holding the flask low with two fingers in distaste as Percussionist 3 snatches it between xylophone beats)

(Conductor points grandly to Percussionist 1, who mightily swings a mallet at the gong)

Percussionist 2: (Signing after the gong stops reverberating) G – O – O – D – J – O – B

Percussionist 1: (Whole body still shaking from the blow, gives a trembling, low thumbs-up) 

FORTY MINUTES LATER 

(Percussionist 1 now is stationed at the table with the smaller instruments, holding the triangle and beater and straining to read the sheet music as the entire orchestra plays in triple time, when suddenly there is a split-second lull)

Transistor Radio: (Plugged into Percussionist 2’s ear with the volume raised to maximum) Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded –

Percussionist 1: Huh?  (Looks toward Percussionist 2)

Percussionist 2: (Rapidly beating the snare drums, tosses off a quick) Ssh!  (in Percussionist 1’s direction)

Percussionist 1: (Flabbergasted, turns back to the sheet music; suddenly looks up in a panic and sees Conductor impatiently signaling that the triangle should be hit) Whoops.  (Excessively triangles, more than there were notes, but the rest of the orchestra continues without missing a beat)

Percussionist 2: (Whispering to Percussionist 1 as Percussionist 3 crashes all the cymbals) Nice recovery, but don’t overdo it.

Percussionist 1: (Whispering back) It was you – !

Transistor Radio: Out!  And the game is over!

Percussionist 2: (Drowned out by angrily drumming) Un – freaking – believable!

Percussionist 1: [Sigh] (Sees Conductor signaling again and this time restrainedly triangles; once that is done, looks over and sees Percussionist 4 holding out a plate with a cake slice in one hand while striking the tubular bells with the other; Percussionist 1 slightly shakes head at Percussionist 4, who shrugs and slightly ducks down to take a bite) [Heavier Sigh] 

GRAND FINALE 

(Percussionists 1, 2, 3, and 4 rush from one instrument to the next to hit all of them at the proper times; at one point, Percussionist 1 and Percussionist 3 collide but the latter smoothly moves the former aside and both continue on their way; the orchestra concludes the piece with a cacophonous flourish, and the audience gives a standing ovation.  Conductor bows, gestures for the orchestra members to bow as well, and then exits stage right with no further interaction with anyone as the curtains close)

Percussionist 1: (Collapses onto the floor, still holding a mallet, as the rest of the orchestra members pack up and leave; to Percussionists 2, 3, and 4) I have never felt so stressed in all my life.

Percussionist 2: (Standing over Percussionist 1 with Percussionist 3 and Percussionist 4; all three are snacking on potato chips) You did great, kid – we’ll make a percussionist out of you yet.  (Turns briefly towards a DING! from nearby)  Sounds like the chocolate’s done – wanna stick around for fondue?

Percussionist 1: …Yeah, all right.