(In the woods at night, Friend 1, Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Sibling 2 sit around a roaring campfire; Friend 1 checks toasted marshmallows on skewers, Friend 2 and Sibling 2 fan themselves with caps, and Sibling 1 uses a battery-powered fan that sprays water; all four are wearing T-shirts and shorts, and sweating)
Friend 1: (Handing out a skewer each) All righty, these seem to be done – you want to break out the chocolate and crackers or take these plain?
Sibling 2: (Staring at the skewer briefly before looking at Friend 1) I’ll actually answer that question with a question: whose idea was it to meet up for s’mores over a blazing campfire IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER?
Friend 1: (Coolly) It’s October: this is prime Halloween season, and fall started almost a month ago, so naturally, one would assume there’d be at least a chill in the air at this time of the year.
Sibling 2: I don’t know where you’ve been, but except for the occasional major storm or random cold snap, there hasn’t been a regular chill in the air at this time of year for the past 20 years!
Friend 1: (Still coolly) I’m sorry that, unlike you, I refuse to allow reality to hold sway over my life.
Sibling 2: Clearly!
Friend 2: OK, let’s settle down before we all pass out.
Sibling 1: (Holds out the fan to Sibling 2) Want some?
Sibling 2: (Stares at it for a few moments) …Yes please. (Vigorously sprays water and waves the fan all over before handing it back to Sibling 1)
Friend 2: Now, steady unseasonable heat wave or not, we’re here to have fun, right?
Sibling 1: Yep! (Takes a big bite out of the toasted marshmallow) Ow! (Lets it fall out) Oops.
Friend 2: So, since it’s a nonrefundable fee to camp here tonight, let’s have fun and pretend it’s chilly with a full moon out instead of hot and humid with no moon, and get on with the scary stories. (Starts assembling the marshmallow, chocolate, and crackers)
Friend 1: Thank you. (Sibling 2 bites into a bar of chocolate and makes a face at Friend 1 who makes a face back) Let us begin: this tale is especially chilling –
Sibling 2: (Around a mouth full of chocolate) HA!
Friend 1: (Briefly glares at Sibling 2) Especially chilling, since it takes place in these very woods.
Sibling 1: (Swallowing a piece of still-hot marshmallow and gasping) Hey, no one told me we were staying in haunted woods! I wouldn’t have come, then!
Sibling 2: Relax: all woods are haunted, it’s no big deal.
Sibling 1: WHAT?! You never told me that all those times we went camping when we were kids!
Sibling 2: Didn’t want to scare you.
Friend 1: Ahem! May I continue?!
Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.
Sibling 1: Sorry.
Friend 1: Thanks. As I was saying, this tale takes place in these very woods, which still are haunted to this day.
Sibling 1: (Shivers and pulls out a blanket from one of the tents to snuggle) Ooh, now I’m getting chills.
Friend 1: Awesome. The creatures that haunt these woods aren’t ghosts, or goblins, or trolls, or werewolves, or dragons, or dinosaurs –
Friend 2: Skip a bit.
Friend 1: Right. The dreaded creatures that haunt these woods are none other than – VAMPIRES!
Sibling 1: (Trembling all over) Oooooohhhhhhh….
Sibling 2: Odd choice, but OK.
Friend 1: Oh yes, many a camper has been attacked by these fiendish beings, barely escaping with their lives to tell the tale!
Sibling 1: Oh, so they live?
Friend 1: Yes, so they could tell the tale.
Sibling 1: Thought there’d be a body or two.
Friend 1: Ghoulish, but never mind: and so, the helpless victims are taken – in the night!
Sibling 1: Ah!
Friend 1: As they sleep – in their tents!
Sibling 1: AH!
Friend 1: And when they wake, they see… THE MARK!
Sibling 1: AAAAHHHH! What mark?!
Friend 1: The mark… OF A FANG!
Sibling 1: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (Hides under the blanket)
Sibling 2: (Lifts up a corner of the blanket) Get a grip.
Sibling 1: Ssshhh! (To Friend 1, peeking out from under the blanket) A real fang?!
Friend 1: Oh yes! The mark of a fang, and the inflammation OF THE DRAINED BLOOD! MWAHAHAHA!
Sibling 1: Ohhhh noooo!! (Hides under the blanket again, shivering uncontrollably)
Sibling 2: (To Friend 1) Sooooo, it’s a mosquito?
Friend 1: What? No, it’s a vampire!
Sibling 2: A vampire with one fang?
Friend 1: …Ye-es, to throw you off the scent!
Sibling 2: So, everyone camping out here would be just fine if they used bug spray and mosquito netting?
Sibling 1: (Throws off the blanket) Really? Oh.
Friend 1: No, they wouldn’t be just fine, because the vampires laugh at such trifles, and THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU!
Sibling 1: Oh no! Why’d we ever come here tonight?!
Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe we should change to some lighter fare, like werewolves or zombies.
Sibling 2: (Rubbing Sibling 1’s back soothingly) Yes please – I’ve got one: it’s the tale of a wolf who wanted to be a real –
Friend 1: HOLD IT! (Everyone freezes) I didn’t even finish my vampire story and you’re already cutting in with a different monster?!
Sibling 2: No one’s scared of mosquitoes, OK?!
Friend 1: They’re not mosquitoes! And you would be scared if you knew how many pints they could drain and viruses they could transmit in a single slurp!
Sibling 1: Viruses, oh! (Starts to keel over and is propped up by Sibling 2)
Sibling 2: All right, fine, they’re very real-world scary, can we move on to the make-believe stuff now?
Friend 2: I vote “Yes”.
Friend 1: Traitor.
Sibling 1: (Holding onto the blanket for comfort) I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
Sibling 2: (Holds out a chocolate bar) Here, have some.
Sibling 1: Ooh, yummy! (Scarfs it down)
Friend 1: Well, I just have to say, if we all wake up tomorrow morning drained of our entire blood volume, don’t come crying to me! (The other three give puzzled looks) Never mind – go on with the werewolf saga.
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 walk along a trail through the woods)
Friend 1: (Kicking aside fallen branches lying in the path) You know, I didn’t want to mention it at breakfast, but I believe I fell victim to an attack in the night.
Sibling 2: (Dryly) Really. (Drinks water out of a bottle)
Friend 1: Uh-huh. I didn’t want to start a panic or be ridiculed yet again, but I woke up this morning and saw… THE MARK.
(They both stop as Friend 1 holds out a wrist to show a small red bump)
Sibling 2: Uh-huh.
Friend 1: While I was sleeping, no less.
Sibling 2: Naturally. So, what, you want some anti-itch cream?
Friend 1: I suppose you were left untouched last night, then.
Sibling 2: No – (Briefly pulls aside shirt collar to show many bumps) even with mosquito netting and spray, I’m covered in bites; so I’m writing to the manufacturers for refunds, but otherwise you don’t hear me complaining, do you?
Friend 1: (Staring in horror at Sibling 2, whispering) They went for the jugular….
Sibling 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Oh please, just – enough with the story, all right?! We came here to have a good time, and you keep going on about things that aren’t real and pretending they are!
Friend 1: You know, after our little time-warp adventure last Halloween, I would think you’d be a little more open-minded about supernatural shenanigans!
Sibling 2: That was two Halloweens for me, don’t forget, and I’m still pretending that never happened!
Friend 1: We never would’ve met otherwise!
Sibling 2: Which I’ve regretted ever since!
Friend 1: I wasn’t stating it as a benefit, I was stating it as a fact!
Sibling 2: Well, I still regret it!
Friend 1: And yet you still keep showing up when we all plan get-togethers!
Sibling 2: `Cause I’ve got nothing better to do!
(At a lake, Friend 2 and Sibling 1 sit on lounge chairs perched at the end of a dock, facing the calm, sunny water, sipping iced teas, and basically doing nothing; a fish surfaces momentarily to catch an insect)
Sibling 1: (Pointing at the rippling water) Ooh, there’s another one.
Friend 2: Neat.
(They sip simultaneously)
Sibling 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) Funny: it sure is peaceful without those two, isn’t it?
Friend 2: (Still staring out at the water) …Just remember: you’re the one who said it.
(On the trail)
Friend 1: – keeps telling me that, but I can’t bring myself to stop, it’s like a compulsion.
Sibling 2: I think your friend is a genius and a saint for sticking with you this long in life.
Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t true. (Looks around a bit) Where are we going, anyway?
Sibling 2: Beats me; I’ve been following you.
Friend 1: That’s impossible, because I’ve been following you!
Sibling 2: Well –
(They round a corner and see a group of tiny vampires hovering in mid-air; the group turns to face the other two)
Vampire 1: Heh, these are the ones from last night.
Vampire 2: (To Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Come back for seconds? Hee-hee-hee!
Vampire 3: (Pats rounded belly) You guys go ahead; I’m full.
Sibling 2: What in the world?!
Vampire 4: Get `em!
Friend 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(They turn around and run but the flying vampires catch up easily and latch onto Friend 1’s arms and Sibling 2’s neck)
Vampire 1: (On Sibling 2) Hey, I actually found an open spot!
Vampire 2: (On Friend 1) Go for it!
(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 helplessly bat at the vampires attached to them as they slowly sink to the ground)
Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) At least… I can say… I… told… you… so.... (Passes out)
Sibling 2: (Fading) Fair… enough…. (Also passes out)
Vampire 3: (Flying up to the group as the others detach from the bodies) So, how were they this go-round?
Vampire 1: (Wiping lips) Eh – leftovers are never as good as the original meal.
(The other three murmur in agreement as they fly away, leaving the other two lying on the ground)
LATER THAT AFTERNOON
(Friend 2 and Sibling 1 pack up their respective gear)
Sibling 1: (Checking a watch) I dunno, they’ve been gone for hours – you think we should be worried that a bear got them or something?
Friend 2: (Also checks a watch) In that case, I’d be more worried about the bear.
(Both look up as Friend 1 and Sibling 2 slowly emerge from the woods, looking literally drained and covered in red welts, and listlessly scratching all over)
Sibling 1: Whoa, that must’ve been some trail!
Friend 2: (Rushing over to Friend 1) Oh no, were you two attacked?!
Friend 1: (Dazedly) Yes.
Sibling 1: (Rushing over to Sibling 2; intensely) Was it a bear?!
Sibling 2: (Also dazedly) No bear… actual… vampires…. (Suddenly sits down on the ground, still gently scratching everywhere)
Friend 2: Oh. That again. (To Friend 1) Seriously: what was it?
Friend 1: (Looking off into the distance while scratching both arms at the same time) No one would listen… no one would heed the warning… but you’ll learn… you’ll learn…. (Still scratching, stumbles a short distance and starts walking into a tree repeatedly)
Sibling 1: (Quietly to Friend 2 after a few moments) You think maybe it was paintball players?
(Before Friend 2 can respond, Vampires 1-4 fly into the camp clearing)
Vampire 1: Oh, you’re all still here?
Vampire 2: You might wanna move on before nightfall – we need to feed every 12 hours, and sleepers are easiest.
Vampire 3: Although, I skipped the unexpected afternoon tea and I’m hungry again now, so…. (Starts to fly toward Friend 2 and Sibling 1, who are frozen in shock)
Vampire 4: (Holds back Vampire 3) Easy there, buddy; a whole new crew of campers are coming in tonight; let’s not keep drinking from the same well, if you know what I mean.
Vampire 1: Yeah, this bunch has suffered enough, AHAHAHAHA!
(They all laugh nastily as they fly away; Friend 2 and Sibling 1 still stare where the group was as Sibling 2 falls over in a doze and Friend 1 continues to walk into the tree)
Sibling 1: …Doooooo you want to scream first, or should I?
Friend 2: You first: I’ll scream after we get them to the hospital.