Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 558: There’s No Such Thing As Ghosts… Right?

             (At a haunted hayride/haunted barn/haunted corn maze/haunted pumpkin patch/haunted hibernating farm at night, employees guide cars to the makeshift parking lot made up of a grassy field and rope barriers)

Employee 1: (Unenthusiastically waving one last car to a space at the end of the current line) Yep, right here – right here – keep going – no, don’t turn there, turn where I’m waving – yes, your other right – there you go, you finally made it, congratulations – (In a slightly louder voice as the passengers exit the parked car) Enjoy your stay, if you dare, mwa-ha-ha.

Passenger: Uh, thanks.  (The passengers hurriedly trot away from Employee 1 and leap over or limbo under each lane’s ropes to reach the main entrance)

Employee 1: (Looks down and heaves a great sigh) Yeah, that’s it, I’d run away from me, too.

(Employee 2 ducks under a rope from the adjacent lane and waves at Employee 1)

Employee 2: Hey!

Employee 1: (Perks up and waves back) Oh, hi!

Employee 2: Boss says since it’s slow right now, we can take a cigarette break.

Employee 1: Um, sure, thanks.  (As they walk to a quieter area of the farm) But neither of us smoke?

Employee 2: Exactly.  (They both laugh wickedly.  After a few minutes’ walk, they perch on a hay bale overlooking the fields where customers stand on lines for almost an hour to get scared for 10 minutes; after getting settled, Employee 2 holds out a cigarette pack to Employee 1) Want one?

Employee 1: Ummm… what?

Employee 2: It’s candy – maintains the illusion.

Employee 1: Ah, got it; thanks.  (They each take a stick and ingest the sugar slowly)

Employee 2: So, enjoying your first season here?

Employee 1: (Shrugs) Eh.  I thought it’d be a little more exciting, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck on parking guidance the whole time and that’s a little… monotonous.  Except when I almost get accidentally run over; that part’s exciting.

Employee 2: Yeah, I worked the barn last season as “Clown With Chainsaw” and almost got punched by overzealous clients so many times I lost track; parking duty is much more peaceful.

Employee 1: I guess.  I was thinking of asking to work the haunted corn maze, though – thought that might be fun.  You ever do that one?

Employee 2: (As they both finish the candy and pocket the sticks for disposal later)  Once, two seasons ago, and that was enough for me.  I spent more time helping people find their way out than actually trying to scare them: the panicked screams when the exit’s two feet away got to be a bit much.

Employee 1: Heh-heh, yeah…. Still, I’ve always been curious whether, you know….

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: (Leans in to whisper in glee) Whether the stories were true?

Employee 2: What, you mean the ghosts?

Employee 1: Ssh!  (Looks around in panic, then smiles and nods) Yeah!

Employee 2: (Scoffs) Please: there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Employee 1: Well, yeah, of course, obviously….

Employee 2: Mm-hm.

Employee 1: But still!

Employee 2: Ugh.

Employee 1: I mean, all those sightings, and the unexplained sounds, and people sensing a presence in the field when no one else is there, for decades!  It can’t be that everyone’s making it all up!

Employee 2: People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, and sense what they want to sense.  Your own home was built on land where there’s been Revolutionary War battles, violence against indigenous peoples, and/or generations of miserable inhabitants and probably at least one murder, but have you ever seen any ghosts there?

Employee 1: Well… no….

Employee 2: There you go.  If ghosts were real, we’d be surrounded by hauntings 24/7 everywhere we went, not just the places where we know for sure something bad happened.

Employee 1: But the corn field is where those horrific murders took place and people say they’ve seen the victims wandering around looking for their lost body parts so I want to see them, too!

Employee 2: (Stares at Employee 1) You know how messed up that sounds, right?

Employee 1: Saying it out loud like that, yes.  But so many people say they’ve experienced something strange out there!

Employee 2: Like what?

Employee 1: Like… a sudden chill!  Or, hearing rustling cornstalks when there’s no breeze!  Or, weird glowing lights!

Employee 2: OK – (Counts off on fingers) it’s autumn; the cornstalks rustle when people cut through them in panic; and we all have lights, either flash or phone.

Employee 1: Fine, fine: but what about the apparitions?

Employee 2: They’re either seeing another group in there, or one of us pranking them.  Did it myself once: Boss wasn’t happy, since it was an – (Does air quotes) “Unauthorized Scare”, but I was in a mood that night and freaking people out was the only thing that cheered me up.

Employee 1: And you call me “messed up”?!

Employee 2: Hey, didn’t say I was proud of it.  (Especially loud screams are heard from the haunted barn as a group of teenagers run out the exit followed briefly by a werewolf, who then turns around and re-enters the building, shaking with laughter) You see?  People like being scared, and they want to believe there’s something beyond death and beyond this boring reality we’re stuck in.  Trust me, if I’d been horribly murdered, the last place I’d want to spend eternity in would be where my life was cut short, going nowhere and doing nothing.  I’d rather haunt a garden, where at least I could relax.

Employee 1: I guess, when you put it that way.  The whole concept of hauntings doesn’t make much sense now that I’m really thinking about it; our spirits or souls or whatever probably don’t have much choice where to go next when our bodies clock out at end of shift.

Employee 2: I know!  I’ll admit there’s unexplained phenomena out there, but if not all them are elaborate pranksters then I’ll take excess energy influencing an open mind over a dead human hovering around repeating their life’s highlight reel, any day.

Employee 1: (Looks off in thought) Yeah… yeah, that does sound like the more reasonable explanation.

Employee 2: I know it does.  (Sees movement at the edge of the hay bale and leans down to grab at it; Employee 1 looks over and sees Employee 2 holding a rat) Vampires, on the other hand… (Turns to Employee 1 and smiles with fangs showing) well, you mortals actually got those just about right.  (Chows down on the rat)

Employee 1: (Points weakly at Employee 2) Buh…. (Faints, collapsing onto the ground)

Employee 2: (Tosses away the rat and daintily wipes lips) Heh-heh-heh – I love this time of year.

Story 491: Bookstore Pick-Up

(In a bookstore, Customer 1 stands facing a display table, slowly leafing through a sci-fi hardcover.  Customer 2 casually strolls by, casually makes a wide turn, casually picks up a hardcover from the opposite side of the table, and casually leafs through it as well.  Customer 1’s eyes briefly flick up at Customer 2 and then lower back to the book; Customer 2 leafs through a few more pages, then glances up at the title in Customer 1’s hands)

Customer 2: Oh!  (Gestures with the book at Customer 1’s book when the latter looks up) I heard that’s a good one.  (Smiles broadly)

Customer 1: (Neutrally) Really.

Customer 2: Yeah, it’s been getting great reviews; I’ve been thinking about reading it myself.

Customer 1: (Nods) Good to know.  (Returns to leafing)

Customer 2: (Slowly walks around the table to Customer 1’s side, still holding the book open) Sooooo… do you read often?

Customer 1: (Looks up again, barely disguising a smirk) A lot of people do, yes.

Customer 2: Heh, what I mean is, do you… (Looks up to think) read here often?... Come here often… to read?... Buy books here… to read them at home… often?

Customer 1: (Slowly puts the book back onto its pile and straightens it) Are you seriously trying to pick up someone at a bookstore?

Customer 2: (Laughs loudly for a bit, then starts fiddling with the book jacket) I thought a change in venue and clientele would increase the probability of success, yes.

Customer 1: (Nods again) And here I was, thinking I’m the only one with that idea.

Customer 2: (Stares) Really?

Customer 1: Oh yeah, been doing it for ages; definitely at lot safer than a bar.

Customer 2: That’s what I was thinking!  I mean, what’s the worst these nerds could do, am-I-right?  (An elderly couple passing by glare at Customer 2, who whispers at them) No offense.

Customer 1: Well, you still need to be careful.

Customer 2: Of course.

Customer 1: A lot of weirdos actually do come in here, and sometimes you can’t tell right away who’s just passionate about entertainment and whose life is consumed by fandom.

Customer 2: Don’t I know it.

Customer 1: …Wanna tag along?

Customer 2: Yes please.

(After neatly returning the other book to its correct pile, the two casually stroll through the semi-busy store, heads on a constant, unobtrusive swivel)

Customer 1: (Stops and turns to whisper to Customer 2) OK, see that one browsing off to the left there?

Customer 2: (Tries not to look directly at the object of their discussion and whispers back) Yeah?

Customer 1: I’m goin’ in.

Customer 2: Wait a second: here?!

Customer 1: Yeah, why not?

Customer 2: Because, in case you haven’t noticed the ginormous signs all over the place, we are now in the Children’s section!

Customer 1: (Laughs softly, still whispering) This isn’t the Children’s section; it’s the Teen section.

Customer 2: That’s not better!  And I can’t tell from here – what if that one is a teen; we’re literally decades older, we could go to jail!

Customer 1: (Sighs) You need to have your eyes checked: that’s clearly an adult who has eclectic and discerning tastes in all types of literature regardless of the intended audience, and I’m goin’ in.  Watch and learn.

Customer 2: (Moves to stand behind a support pillar) I’ll watch and learn from here as you walk into an obvious sting operation.

Customer 1: (Glares smilingly at Customer 2, then casually strolls past Customer 3 who has taken a book off the shelf and is reading the back cover) Oh!  (Points to the book as Customer 3 looks up) I heard that’s a good one. 

Customer 2: (Grimaces softly) Ugh!

Customer 3: (To Customer 1) Yeah, I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere; wanted to know what’s all the fuss about.

Customer 1: I know, right?  (Leans an elbow on the bookshelf while facing Customer 3) Word is, if this one does well, the author’ll write a sequel.  Obviously; who doesn’t nowadays?  Everything’s a franchise.

Customer 3: (Laughs) You’re tellin’ me.

Customer 1: (Also laughs) Definitely… So, I’m – (Is cut off by the piercing scream of an infant)

Customer 4: (Rounds a nearby corner, appearing disheveled while pushing a stroller with the crying baby and carrying a whimpering toddler; to Customer 3) Didn’t you hear me calling you?!  It took me 10 minutes to get these two out of the bathroom – what’re you doing all the way over here?!

Customer 3: (Takes the toddler from Customer 4 as Customer 1 makes a hasty retreat) Sorry babe – got distracted.

Customer 4: I wish I had that luxury!  (Sees the book that Customer 3 is holding) Well, if you’re buying that, just add it to the pile.  (Points to a basket hanging underneath the stroller and overflowing with board books and plush toys)

Customer 3: (Puts the book back on the shelf) Nah, not interested.  (To the toddler as the four of them make their way noisily to the front cash registers) Hey bub, what would you like read tonight, huh?

Customer 1: (Trots over to Customer 2, who is stifling giggles) Not a word – let’s go.

(They continue their circuit through the store, navigating around customers and carts of products to be shelved)

Customer 2: (Stops and whispers to Customer 1) Ooh, how about that employee shelving board games over there?  Seems nice.

Customer 1: (Whispers back) “Nice” meaning “hot”?

Customer 2: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Customer 1: (Shakes head) Nope; no, employees are off-limits.

Customer 2: What?  Why?

Customer 1: Think about it: there’s already a power imbalance since they’re being paid to serve the customers, so they’ll say anything to keep you happy, and also to go away.

Customer 2: (Falsely humble) Well, I don’t know about you, but I may have had a few promising encounters with staff members in the past.

Customer 1: At places like this?

Customer 2: …No.

Customer 1: Yeah.  No employees.  (Looks around and subtly gestures at a customer in the magazine section) OK, that one browsing through Crafts and Hobbies – seems stable enough.

Customer 2: Eh, I suppose.

Customer 1: Wanna try tag teaming this time?

Customer 2: Considering you have yet to successfully pick up someone here tonight… yes. 

(Customer 1 smothers laughter as they walk over to that section; each grabs a magazine to browse as they slowly move closer to Customer 5 in a pincer movement)

Customer 1: (Unobtrusively leans over to see the type of magazine Customer 5 is reading) Oh, excuse me?

Customer 5: (Looks up at Customer 1) Yes?

Customer 1: Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit – (Nods at the magazine) is that a good magazine to start with?

Customer 5: Oh yes, it’s pretty informative.  (Intensely) If you want, I can teach you everything I know.

Customer 1: (Blinks a few times) Sorry, what?

Customer 5: I knit anything and everything – all I do is knit-knit-knit.  I’ve been searching the world over for a protégé to whom I can pass my knowledge – at last, my search has ended.

Customer 1: (Unaware of dropping the magazine onto the floor) Ummmm….

Customer 5: (Grabs Customer 1’s hand) Join me, and we will create a new world, one of peace, and joy, and – !

Customer 2: (Has put back the magazine and slips around Customer 5 to take Customer 1 by the waist) Babe, come on, you know people don’t like it when you talk to them!  (To Customer 5 as they walk away) Sorry, so annoying.

Customer 5: (To their backs as they exit the store) Make sure you subscribe to my channel, “Knit or Not” – it’ll change your life!

(In the parking lot, Customer 1 and Customer 2 separate and stop under a lamppost)

Customer 1: Thank you – that was certainly unexpected.

Customer 2: Sure; guess you just never know what kinds of weirdos you’re gonna meet in places like this.

Customer 1: That indeed.

Customer 2: Well, this was certainly enlightening.  I now know exactly what not to do when trying to pick up a stranger so, you know, thanks for that.

Customer 1: You’re welcome…. So, ever want another lesson?

Customer 2: Heh-heh, you’re hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, although this wound up being the most enjoyable evening I’ve had in a long time, I seriously doubt the effectiveness of your methods.

Customer 1: Really.

Customer 2: I do, yes.

Customer 1: Worked on you, didn’t they?

Customer 2: (Laughs in disbelief) …No, no, I saw you first; I picked you up.  Tried to, anyway.

Customer 1: Yeeeaaahh, I saw you come into the store about five minutes earlier.  Thought you looked nice, so I... placed myself in your mostly likely path, and I waited.

Customer 2: (Eyes widen in realization) Honey pot?!  That’s the honey pot trap!

Customer 1: (Laughing) Well, I wasn’t out for any state secrets you’re hiding, but basically yeah.

Customer 2: You… sly… trickster!  I take back everything I said earlier: you’re really good.

Customer 1: Why thank you.  (Does a little curtsy)

Customer 2: So, seeing as we both got what we originally were aiming for tonight, how about we celebrate with dessert at the café around the corner?

Customer 1: Sounds great.  (They walk toward their respective cars) Keep in mind: jury’s still out on whether you’re one of the weirdos I have to worry about, though.

Customer 2: Same.

Story 438: Synergy in The Vortex

 (In a gift shop)

Tourist 1: (Entering with Tourist 2) So, what’s so special about this place?  It seems like the same-old, New Age-y, hippe-dippie tourist trap you find all over the world.  (Suddenly sees Employee 1 nearby, staring at them) But the furnishings seem lovely.

Tourist 2: I read that this place is supposed to be at the exact center of The Vortex.  (Spreads arms out as far as possible without hitting spinning racks of meditation CDs and dream catchers hanging from the ceiling) I can already feel my chakras aligning just by being in this sacred space.

Tourist 1: Seriously?  I didn’t think you were into all that stuff.

Tourist 2: (Lowers arms) Then you don’t know me at all.

Tourist 1: (Grabs a deck of tarot cards from off a shelf) But really, what’s the deal with this specific place?  I mean, what is The Vortex?

Employee 1: (Glides over as Tourist 1 puts the card deck back on the shelf) The Vortex, my friends, is the convergence of energies into this central location: by entering this confluence of forces, your spirit will be cleansed, your soul purified, and your aura illuminated.

Tourist 2: Wow.

Tourist 1: Uh-huh.  So does that mean everything in here costs triple what we’d find in the same shop down the street?  (Tourist 2 elbows Tourist 1)

Employee 1: (Mysteriously) You’ll never know what you’ll find in The Vortex…. I’ll be over here if you need me to look for anything in the store room.  (Glides back to restocking stained glass hangings)

Tourist 1: You betcha.

Tourist 2: You’re so rude.

Tourist 1: Whatever: just don’t drop more than $20 in this place, is all I’m saying.

(They start browsing; on turning a corner, they nearly bump into Tourist 3)

Tourist 3: Oops, sorry.

Tourist 1: Nope, my fault: I didn’t take the corner wide enough.

(Tourist 1 and Tourist 3 suddenly stare at each other closely)

Tourist 3: This may sound weird, but… did you go to Main Street Elementary School in Centerville back in the 90s?

Tourist 1: Oh my gosh, you did, too?!  Calculating Colossi 3^rd grade math?!

Tourist 3: Yes!  The classroom with the abacus?

Tourist 1: Yes!

Tourist 3: Oh my goodness, that was over 30 years ago!

Tourist 1: Yes – !  Ugh, don’t remind me.

Tourist 2: Not to mention, it’s about 10 states away from here.

Tourist 3: Absolutely!  What’re the odds, huh?

Tourist 1: (Sees Employee 1 staring at them expectantly) Eh, probably bound to happen at some point in life; might as well be here.

Tourist 2: Or, it’s The –

Tourist 1: Don’t say it.

(Tourist 4 emerges from the back of the store carrying wind chimes, stops upon seeing the group, and points at Tourist 1)

Tourist 4: Weren’t you in my after-school group when you were a wee little thing?

Tourist 1: (Narrows eyes, then widens them in shock) Oh my gosh, you were my Den Leader for seven years!  You taught us how to fly fish and how to bake bread!

Tourist 4: Yes, I was a full-service mentor.

Tourist 2: (To Tourist 1) What a small world.

Tourist 1: Yeah, uh, well, it – it happens.

(Employee 2 glides over to the growing group)

Employee 2: Hello, does anyone need any help – ?  (Notices Tourist 1) Oh my stars, I haven’t see you in ages!  How’ve you been?

Tourist 1: (Eyes widen even wider) Oh – my – gosh: you’re the kid I was supposed to go to prom with but I totally flaked off to play video games instead!  (Winces) Really sorry about that – I was very immature back then.

Tourist 2: “Was”?

Employee 2: (Chuckles) It’s OK: as you can see, I’ve recovered from the social trauma.  I actually wound up going with someone else that night, and we’ll be celebrating our 25^th wedding anniversary this year.

Tourist 1: Whoa, that’s amazing.  And you both moved all the way out here?

Employee 2: Oh yeah, we just felt this calling, you know?

Tourist 1: I guess.

Tourist 3: I’m tellin’ ya, we’ve all been drawn here for this very moment!

Tourist 4: It does seem like Fate, doesn’t it?

Employee 1: (Glides over to stare intently at Tourist 1) Yes, doesn’t it?

Tourist 1: No it doesn’t!  This is just a series of bizarre coincides that the laws of odds and averages make happen at one, singular, freaky moment in our lives, and – (Suddenly notices objects in a glass display case) and – and is that the seashell collection I lost when I was 5?!

(The group whirls around as a clock chimes the hour)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) My grandfather’s grandfather clock?!

(The group whirls around as the shop door opens and Tourist 5 enters)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) Mom??!!

Tourist 5: Yeah – I’ve been waiting in the car for over 15 minutes; are you two gonna get a move on or what?

Tourist 2: We will: we were just catching up with some old acquaintances here.

Tourist 5: (Takes in the group) Oh.  You all do look vaguely familiar, but I’m too tired on this trip to play catch-up – bye.  (Leaves the store)

(The group stare at each other)

Tourist 1: All y’all weren’t hired by some weirdo to play an elaborate trick on me, were you?  (The rest shake their heads)

Tourist 3: I only came in here to use the bathroom – turns out there aren’t any for customers.

Tourist 2: I’m telling you, it’s The Vortex!

Employee 1: I’ll say: we’ve never had a convergence quite this massive before; I must note it in the store’s log.

Employee 2: You do that – you’re the only one who reads that thing anyway.  (To Tourist 1) So this certainly was life-affirming and soul-impacting, wasn’t it?

Tourist 1: I have to admit, I’ve never had an experience quite like it; I’m low-key questioning reality right about now.

Employee 2: Enough to possibly buy back your long-lost seashell collection?

Tourist 1: Not that much.

Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.