Customer Service Representative: (Wearing a headset and sitting at a desk in a company’s call center) Thank you for calling -----, this is -------, how may I assist you today?
Homeowner: (Perched at the top of a ladder in a hallway) Yeah hi, my smoke detector’s been beeping for over an hour and I can’t get it to stop. (<BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: I have to ask: did you hit the big round button in the middle yet?
Homeowner: Your qualifying phrase at the beginning staved off me screaming “Yes!” in utter rage; well done.
Customer Service Representative: (Chuckles) Not my first rodeo.
Homeowner: Huh? (<BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: So! It sounds like the battery’s getting low and will need to be replaced.
Homeowner: (Juggling a box with instructions while trying to keep the phone propped against one ear) But it says here that The Voice is supposed to tell me there’s a low battery, and it’s been suspiciously mum the entire time.
Customer Service Representative: So it’s just beeping?
Homeowner: Yeah – about every 30 seconds. Driving me bonkers. (<BEEP-BEEP!>) Again!
Customer Service Representative: OK – it’s also hardwired in, correct?
Homeowner: I think so; it was here when I moved in, and I found the box tucked away in a cabinet.
Customer Service Representative: OK, if you haven’t already done so, turn off the circuit breaker for that area and then take the detector off the mounting bracket that’s holding it – you’ll also have to pop it off the wires that are connected to it.
Homeowner: Got it – hold on a minute. (Sets down the phone, scrambles down the ladder, and stats switching circuit breakers on and off. Five minutes later) You still there? (<BEEP-BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: (Finishes posting status update “#questioninglifechoices” on social media) Yes, I’m still here.
Homeowner: Sorry, none of the circuit breakers are labelled so it took forever to figure out which one’s actually connected to this thing – the hallway light’s out and I’m now in darkness, but the detector’s still beeping! (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: That’s probably the battery back-up, then. Did you take the detector off the bracket yet?
Homeowner: Nope – hang on. (Grabs the detector, turns it slightly, and pulls) Hang on – (Pulls hard with both hands while holding the phone against a shoulder) Hang on – (Has let go of the ladder and dangles freely while holding onto the detector still attached to the ceiling) Hang on –
Customer Service Representative: Did you turn it counter-clockwise before pulling down?
Homeowner: (Straining while kicking in the air): Yes! Now gravity is failing me in its one role in life!
Customer Service Representative: The device might be stuck – how many years have you been living there, since you said it was installed before you moved in?
Homeowner: (Face turning red from the strain) I don’t know, forever it feels like!
Customer Service Representative: I’m sure it’s been less than 10 years – that’s how long these things are guaranteed for.
Homeowner: (Sweat pouring everywhere) It’s none of your business anyway! Ooh, wait a minute, did you say “counter-clockwise”?
Customer Service Representative: …Yes.
Homeowner: OK. (Swings body to turn the detector in the other direction; both the detector and Homeowner immediately fall to the floor)
Customer Service Representative: Are you OK?!
Homeowner: (Faintly from the floor) No, but I got it off the ceiling. (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: (Sighs quietly in relief) All right, you’re going to have to get a new detector at this point since it sounds like this one is a bust, so I’m going to talk you through demolishing the battery so you can dispose the unit afterward, all right?
Homeowner: (Has wobbly stood up again, picked up the phone, and stares at the detector) All right….
Customer Service Representative: Now, there should be a label on the back that says something like “Remove this label and move the tab to destroy the battery”; do you see it?
Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.
Customer Service Representative: OK, is there a label pointing out where the battery is?
Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.
Customer Service Representative: (Starts grinding teeth) What does the back of the unit say, then?
Homeowner: Not much – it’s got some weird black triangle-thing with a yellow background at the top, and says “DO NOT REMOVE” in really big letters in the middle, and then slightly smaller “Stay Where You Are” at the bottom. (Looks up in confusion) Does that mean the battery’s somewhere else, then?
Customer Service Representative: (Flabbergasted) Let’s back up a bit here: what’s the model number on the detector?
Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.
Customer Service Representative: (Pulls the headset’s microphone closer) This may sound like a stupid question, but what is the brand name on the detector?
Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.
Customer Service Representative: So… how did you know to call here?
Homeowner: I told you, I found a box in the cabinet – it already had a detector in there though, which I thought was kind of weird but figured it was a spare or this was the spare, you know? (Picks up the extra detector where it was lying on the kitchen table) Hey, look at that – this one has your company’s name all over it; wonder why the other one doesn’t? (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: Is it me, or are there more beeps at a time now than before?
Homeowner: (Sets down the previous detector and looks back at the beeping one) Oh yeah, I didn’t even notice. It’s flashing different colors now, too; I thought it only had green and red, but clearly it’s been holding out on me. Wonder if it’s sending out a signal, heh-heh-heh?
Customer Service Representative: (Gulping in panic) …Not to alarm you –
Homeowner: Pun intended! Ahahaha!
Customer Service Representative: - but I think you may want to call the police. And leave your house immediately.
Homeowner: What for? It’s just some broken smoke detector; doubt the place’ll burn down in the 20 minutes it’ll take to get a new one. (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)
Customer Service Representative: The thing is, I don’t think it’s actually a smoke detector; it sounds like –
Homeowner: (On hearing banging at the front door) Hold on, there’s someone at the door. It never ends, am-I-right? (Walks to the front of the house)
Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing frantically) No-no-no, do not answer the door, I’m sending the police to you – !
(Customer Service Representative hears a door being unbolted and opened)
Homeowner: (Voice is muffled by distance from the phone that was left on the kitchen table) Oh hey there – what can I do for you folks?
Voice: (Muffled by distance) GIVE US THE TALISMAN.
Homeowner: Hm, nope, don’t think anything like that’s here, but next door might –
(An increasingly loud whine resounds through Customer Service Representative’s headset)
Customer Service Representative: (Stops typing to pull one earpiece away and pull the microphone closer) Hello?! Are you still there?! Hang on, buddy! (The call disconnects) Oh no.
(Manager speedwalks to Customer Service Representative’s desk)
Manager: I heard the commotion – did they get another one?
Customer Service Representative: (Takes off the headset and stands) I am so sorry this happened – I should’ve realized sooner what was going on, and I think I sent the police too late for that poor soul. I failed in my sole duty of serving the customer. (Hangs head in shame)
Manager: (Pats Customer Service Representative’s shoulder in sympathy) There, there, you’re not to blame – you did your best, considering the circumstances. On the bright side, this is a perfect example for me to present at the next board meeting on why we need a product redesign.
