(In a noisy courtroom, Judge bangs a gavel furiously)
Judge: Order! Order, or the next time I have to throw someone out, I’m gonna throw EVERYONE out, understood?! (Sudden silence) Good. Now: Defendant, please stand for the verdict.
(Lawyer stands, then pulls up Defendant to stand as the latter simultaneously rolls eyes and head; low murmurs start up again in the courtroom)
Judge: (Holding up a long sheet of paper) To reiterate, I will be reading the verdict due to the entire jury walking out in disgust after submitting it. (Briefly looks at Defendant over the tops of glasses; Defendant obnoxiously smirks back) On the charges of: Littering; Intent to Litter; Littering With Malice Aforethought; Encouraging Minors to Litter – (Defendant nods in agreement); Never ONCE Using a Recycling Container; Criminal Negligence of a Garbage Can That Was RIGHT THERE; Failure to Honor Carry-in/Carry-Out Programs at County, State, AND National Parks – (Defendant giggles; Judge briefly glares); Attempted Use of a Plastic Bag to Entice a Sea Turtle Into Thinking It Was a Jellyfish – (Courtroom attendees hiss); Throwing Out Banana Peels From a Moving Vehicle; and other charges so numerous and egregious that even your own lawyer testified against you – (Defendant glares at Lawyer; Lawyer shakes head in loathing back) a jury of your peers have found you, the Defendant, Guilty on all counts.
(On the word “Guilty”, the courtroom erupts in cheers and papers being thrown into the air)
Lawyer: (Discreetly fist pumps) Yes!
Defendant: [Seethes at the world]
Judge: (Banging the gavel rapidly) Order! Ord- ! (The gavel shatters) Oops. (Tosses the gavel aside as the courtroom settles down; to Defendant) Before we proceed to sentencing, do you have anything, preferably remorseful, to say for yourself?
Defendant: Your Honor, the only thing I have to say is, the sea turtle can suck it.
Courtroom Attendees: BOOOOOO-EWWWWW!!!!
Judge: (Enraged) “IT”?!
Defendant: (Slightly confused) Plastic. What’d you think I meant?
Judge: (Sighs while removing glasses) Your tasteless response has been noted. (Folds hands to make a speech) As a judge with several decades on the bench seeing all kinds of defendants presented in this courtroom, it gives me no pleasure in sentencing my fellow human beings to harsh punishments no matter the crime… but today, I’m gonna enjoy this one. (With a steely glare at Defendant) For the severity of your many, many crimes and apparent lack of remorse, I sentence you to five years of house arrest –
Courtroom Attendees: [Grumblings of disappointment]
Defendant: Oh no, five years in my own house surrounded by all my stuff and not having to deal with traffic, however will I endure?
Judge: I wasn’t finished: five years of house arrest – (Leans down to smile evilly) WITH A HAUNTED SMOKE ALARM.
Defendant: (Freezes) What?
Judge: One smoke alarm, possessed by a poltergeist with instructions to set it off at random times at all hours of the day and night, 24/7, every – single – day – FOR – FIVE – YEARS!
(The courtroom erupts in cheers again)
Lawyer: (To Defendant) AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Defendant: (Starts panicking) Wait – this isn’t – you can’t – Your Honor, may I approach the bench?!
Judge: No!
Defendant: (Ducks Lawyer’s restraining arms and falls to knees in front of the Judge, hands clasped in appeal) I throw myself on the mercy of the court! I’ll do all the community service; I’ll pick up every piece of plastic in the ocean; I’ll clean up the entire Great Pacific Garbage Patch with a hand vac; I’ll never litter again – !
Judge: You most certainly won’t! And there’ll be no reprieve, no time off for good behavior: you’ll be serving all 1,826 nerve-shattering days, from beginning to end, no interruptions. Enjoy being surrounded by all your stuff – little good may it do your peace of mind for the next half a decade! (To Bailiff) Take `em away, Bailiff!
Bailiff: (Hauling up Defendant by the arms) Right this way, if you please.
Defendant: (To Judge while being dragged out of the courtroom by Bailiff) No! You can’t do this, it’s inhuman! (To Lawyer) And you! You’re not getting a dime outta me!
Lawyer: Joke’s on you – I volunteered for this gig!
Defendant: (To the courtroom at large) Miscarriage of justice! I hope none of your garbage gets picked up for a week! (Is pelted with balled-up pieces of paper on the way out)
Judge: (Smiles in contentment) Sometimes, you get a case that restores your faith in justice being served. (Puts glasses back on while reading from a docket; addresses the courtroom while gesturing to the balls of paper all over the floor) Make sure you clean this up or you’ll all get citations – (Courtroom Attendees scramble to clean up the mess) I love my job – next case!
DAY 913
(At home, Defendant wakes up suddenly, looking exhausted even though it is mid-morning. Defendant then creakily gets out of bed, scratching the ankle where a monitor is strapped, and gingerly opens the bedroom door, staring up at the smoke alarm that is mounted on the ceiling; a light flashes briefly back. Defendant tiptoes down the hallway, never looking away from the smoke alarm all the way to the bathroom; after morning ablutions, Defendant goes to the nearby kitchen still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and gently gathers a juice glass, cereal bowl, cereal box, and utensils onto a counter that is thickly padded with dishtowels. Carefully slicing a banana with a butter knife – )
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
(Defendant shakily drops the knife and banana into the bowl, then grabs a broom propped in the corner, walks down the hallway, and after a few attempts hits the button to deactivate the alarm)
Smoke Alarm: BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! BEEEEEEEEP!!!!
(Defendant drops the broom onto the hallway floor, slowly shuffles back to the kitchen, and finishes preparing breakfast)
Defendant: (Props elbows on the counter and holds one hand with the other to keep it steady while eating cereal) Three down, 18-ish to go for the day….
LATER THAT DAY
(During a video meeting, Defendant is wearing a suit jacket barely buttoned over the bathrobe and still looking a wreck, speaking to faces on a laptop while seated at the padded kitchen counter)
Defendant: …and we still need to figure out when to schedule the inspection prep before the inspectors actually show up this time –
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Defendant: (As everyone on the meeting winces) Ah! Sorry; as I was saying –
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Manager: (Shouting over the alarm) Look, I hate to bring this up, but since we didn’t mind keeping you on even though you’re a convicted felon –
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Defendant: (Shouting over the alarm) And I am so appreciative you did, `cause I don’t think anyone else would have me just on principle!
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Manager: Yeah, well, then do you mind muting yourself when that thing goes off?!
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Defendant: I can’t mute when I’m presenting!
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Manager: Then maybe these meetings should be e-mails going forward, `K?! Bye! (Signs off the meeting, followed by everyone else)
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Defendant: (Stares blearily at the flashing lights in the hallway) Huh. A silver lining.
LATER THAT DAY
(Defendant answers the door, still wearing the pajamas and bathrobe but now no suit jacket)
Friend: (Standing at the door and holding up an ancient tome) Hey – oh, wow, you look awful.
Defendant: Yes-yes, you tell me that every time you stop by – (Nods at the book) Is that it?
Friend: Yeah, it took me ages to track it down; now you’re sure I’m not gonna get in any – (Looks around furtively, then whispers the next two words) legal trouble getting it for you, right?
Defendant: (Grabbing the hefty book out of Friend’s hands) No of course not, it’s just a little light reading for Halloween, spirit of the season, have-fun-thanks-bye! (Slams the door in Friend’s face)
Friend: (Shakes head while leaving and muttering) Last time I ever do you a favor, litterbug….
(Defendant roughly turns the book’s pages, frantically skimming the headings while walking into the hallway that now has a pentagram inscribed on the floor directly below the smoke alarm, with tall candles strategically placed all around it)
Defendant: (Stops on a page) AHA! Gotcha! (Glances from the illustration on the page to the one on the floor and back several times to compare) Not… bad…. (Takes a piece of chalk from a robe pocket and adds a few finishing touches to the pentagram) There. That should do it. (Grabs a candle lighter that was lying on the floor, lights the candles, sits cross-legged at the edge of the pentagram, places the open book on the floor within reading distance, and opens arms wide in supplication while addressing the smoke alarm in-between checking the text) “Oh, Darkest Night…. Oh, Foulest Day…. Oh, Creature of the Netherest Netherworld…. Oh – ”
Poltergeist: (Walks up to Defendant from the living room, eating a cookie) You trying to summon me or something?
Defendant: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Jumps up and crashes back against a hallway wall) Stay back, Demon!
Poltergeist: Not a demon. (Finishes the cookie and licks fingers clean) Judge figured you’d’ve tried this back in Year 1 – me, I’m surprised you lasted this long.
Defendant: (Slides down the wall and onto the floor) Wait, so… everyone knew I’d try to get you to stop?
Poltergeist: Oh yeah – you think you’re the first troublemaker to try that trick? Nobody’s ever original, I tell you.
Defendant: (Leans head against the wall) All right, I’ll just ask you, then: Can you please stop setting off the smoke alarm, I’m begging you!
Poltergeist: (Crouches down in the hallway and flips through the book a bit, stopping to read one page) Heh, that’s a good one. (To Defendant) `Fraid not, my friend: I signed an unbreachable contract with Judge, so it’s all day/every day for all five years, and not a second less.
Defendant: (Fighting back tears of exhaustion) What do you even get out of it anyway?
Poltergeist: Entertainment. It’s all anyone ever really wants, isn’t it? I was told you’ve been very bad in messing up your planet, both for yourself and for everyone else stuck here with you, so I am taking great pleasure in watching your nerves continue to fray, inch-by-inch.
Defendant: (Holding aching head) Ohhhh….
Poltergeist: It was hysterical when I set it off at 3 in the morning last week: you flew out of bed and crashed right into the wall! Was that where the door used to be where you grew up or something?
Defendant: (Lowers hands) …What if I converted entirely to solar power?
Poltergeist: (Floats off the floor) Nah, you still gotta serve out your term regardless. But you’re on the right track for, you know, afterward.
Defendant: (Dazed) Afterward…. I don’t know if my ears’ll ever be quite right again.
Poltergeist: (Waves off Defendant dismissively) You’ll be fine – I usually don’t set if off when you’re right under it. I mean, this is fun and all, but I’m not a monster.
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Defendant: (Covers ears and cowers away from the smoke alarm) NOOOOOO!!!!! You just said!
Poltergeist: (Stares at the smoke alarm, then down at the layer of smoke above the hallway floor) Looks like this one’s for real – you should be more careful when lighting candles in the home, you know? (Snuffs out all of them)
Smoke Alarm: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FIRE! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Poltergeist: Since this one’s an actual alarm, I’ll take care of it. (Floats closer to Defendant) You hang in there, buddy: only two-and-a-half years to go, mwahahahahaha! (Floats up to the ceiling and disappears into the smoke alarm)
Smoke Alarm: SMOKE PREVIOUSLY DETECTED – BEEP-BOOP!
Defendant: (Lowers arms while looking up at the smoke alarm) Thanks, you’re a real pal. (Passes out on the floor)
MORNING OF DAY 1,827
(Defendant answers the front door, still wearing pajamas and a bathrobe and looking a wreck, but now also wearing giant headphones)
Judge: (Standing with Bailiff at the door) Hi there!
Defendant: (Lowers the headphones) …I’m sorry, who are you?
Judge: Always the clown – take it away, Bailiff!
Defendant: Eh? (Bailiff bends down and removes Defendant’s ankle monitor) Oh. Forgot all about that.
Bailiff: (Standing again) Most people do.
Judge: Now then: (Puts on glasses and reads from a tablet) “Since Defendant has served all five years of the sentence, punishment is now deemed ‘Paid in Full.’” (Looks back at Defendant) That means you’re free to go!
Defendant: Go… where?
Judge: Anywhere you want! As long as you “Leave No Trace” – and don’t commit any other crimes – you can go out and about your business once more!
Defendant: I work from home and have no social life.
Judge: Not my jurisdiction! Oh, almost forgot. (Taps a few buttons on the tablet)
Poltergeist: (Flies out of the house; to Defendant) So long, chum – hopefully I’ll never have to see you again! Onward to the next home appliance haunting! (Soars into the distance, cackling all the way)
Defendant: So… that’s it? It’s all over, at last? The smoke alarm’ll never go off ever again?!
Judge: Well, not unless there’s an actual fire. Or it’s dirty – make sure to clean it every few months or you’ll get this treatment all over again. Now: have we learned our lesson, hm?
Defendant: (Rubs temples) You have no idea. I’m in the middle of inventing a device that neutralizes garbage just to make some of this ordeal worth it.
Judge: Now that’s the kind of rehabilitative attitude we like to hear! Glad to know our Spirit World Volunteer Program is working out splendidly!
Defendant: I’ll say: if this’d be the typical criminal sentence going forward, I doubt there’d be much crime ever again.