(In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)
Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >
(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)
Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm. It’s never made that sound before.
(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)
Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?
(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)
Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!
Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….
Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess? Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.
Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?
Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.
Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – ! (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner) Ack! Gag! Achoo! (Sneezes)
Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you. Now hold still while I wipe you up.
Creature: Aiiiiii!!!! (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away! This whole thing is getting out of control.
Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say. How long have you been living down that drain anyway? My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.
Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!
Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!
Creature: Yes! For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!
(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)
Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?! I think I’d remember creating something like you!
Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!
Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I? Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.
Creature: …What?!
Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean. Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.
Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there! Grime from the day! Excess skin being sloughed off! Your hair, all over!
Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.
Creature: Of course you do! You’re doing it right now!
Oblivia: What? (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh. Stress of the situation.
Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!
Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?
Creature: Aha! It’s too late now, for I have emerged!
Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?
Creature: Unbelievable! Just – cower in fear, puny mortal! (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!! All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)
Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish.
THE END?????? (Yes)
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