Story 545: Compartmentalization During an Eye Exam

             (In an ophthalmologist’s office, Tech brings Patient to one of the exam rooms)

Tech: (Holding the Patient’s chart, gestures to the big recliner for the Patient to sit) Any changes with your health since your last visit… (Checks the chart) almost 10 years ago?

Patient: (Settles back in the recliner) Yeah, I’m really bad with stuff like that.

Tech: We don’t judge – out loud.  So, any changes?

Patient: (Thinks) Well, I was at this outdoor event last week where it must’ve been over 100° in the shade, and somebody must’ve let their pet horse loose or something because at one point my eyes got so red and itchy and watery like you wouldn’t believe; might’ve been hay or something got in the air during the joust – I mean, during the intense, intense horse race that I had a lot of money riding on.

Tech: (Staring at Patient) …So, no changes.

Patient: (Looks down in shame) No.

Tech: (Writes a note on the chart and sets it on a nearby counter) The Doctor’ll be in shortly, then.  (Leaves immediately, with the exam room door left ajar)

Patient: (Leans over to the chart) I shouldn’t… but I do have a legal right to my own medical records…. (Shakes head) Nah – I’ll play with the space alien contraption instead.  (Swings over the phoropter, mushes face up against it, and starts fiddling with the lenses) Woooooo….

Doctor: (Voice heard down the hall on exiting a nearby exam room) …awful this weekend; I swear, if I have to put up with their garbage another second, I’m gonna lose it for real this time.

Tech: (Voice heard down the hall) When’s the next time you have to see them?

Doctor: About a year, but they keep calling in the meantime and I can’t ignore that.

Tech: Why not?

Doctor: Because the phone’ll keep ringing and I can’t stand it.  I can only hang up on that so many times.

Tech: So block them.

Doctor: You can’t block family!  By the way, bring in the next appointment to Room 4, please – it’s barely 8:00 in the morning and we’re already two hours behind.

Tech: Yes, Doctor.

(A ringtone is heard)

Doctor: Argh, speaking of, here they are again!  I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it!... Hi, yes, GO AWAY!  (Breezes into the exam room while shoving a cell phone into a scrubs pocket; Patient is sitting demurely in the recliner, hands folded in lap) Hello there!  Any changes since your last visit in…. (Walks over to the counter and starts reading through the chart)

Patient: Nope; no changes!

Doctor: Great!  (Sits on a stool at the counter and starts entering volumes of notes onto the chart; after a few minutes of standard questions) Let’s check the ol’ vision, shall we?  (Scoots over to the recliner, swings over the phoropter, and wipes it with a disinfectant cloth) Press your face up against this, please.  (Patient does so as Doctor fiddles with the lenses) Hmmm, someone’s been messing around with the lenses again….

Patient: (With upper face mushed up against the metal mask and mouth exposed at the bottom) Heh-heh, can’t trust anybody nowadays, can you.

Doctor: Hm.  (Finishes fiddling, then lowers a mini-eye chart that is attached to the device) All right, which is worse, one – (Flips lenses) or two?

Patient: Ummmm… one?  No, two!

Doctor: Trick question: they’re exactly the same.

Patient: Oh.  Oops.

            (A ringtone is heard from Doctor’s scrubs)

Doctor: (Sighs quietly in disgust) Excuse me one second, would you?

Patient: Uhhhh, sure.

Doctor: Thanks.  (Takes out the phone and forcefully swipes while hissing) Take that, demon!  (Returns the phone to the scrubs pocket) Sorry about that – now, the real test begins, I promise.  (Does a few more checks, then swings back the phoropter and places drops in Patient’s eyes) OK, your eyes are now numb so hold still while I poke them to check the pressure.

Patient: Huh?

Doctor: Relax, it’s testing for glaucoma – you won’t feel a thing, just ignore every natural instinct to protect your eyes from danger and you’ll be fine.  (Swings over a tonometer, wipes it down, and gestures for Patient to lean forward while a device with a blue light shines in Patient’s eyes and Doctor also leans forward from the other side) Now – DON’T MOVE.

Patient: (Head is immobilized by forehead and chin rests on the device) <Gulp>

Tech: (Raps once on the door) Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but multiple phone calls have come in on the office line for you and we can’t get a thing done out there.

Doctor: (Still leaning forward and staring into Patient’s eyes) And you told them that patients’ very important vision is at stake here, yes?

Tech: Yes – they didn’t care.

Doctor: …I’ll take it in here.  (Tech leaves; to Patient) Bear with me, please.  (Leans toward the counter to pick up a desk phone’s receiver and immediately returns to the tonometer, continuing the glaucoma test) WHAT?!  (To Patient) Keep your eyes open, please.  (Moves the blue light device to the other eye as a loud, unintelligible voice is heard over the phone; to the phone) Any time you call is inconvenient!

Patient: Um, I can wait a few minutes while you –

Doctor: (To Patient) Absolutely not: the patient is always the top priority.  (Swings away the tonometer) And we’re done with this part; follow me, please.  (With the phone cord stretching down the hallway, leads Patient to a room that has a retinal imager on a table; the two sit on opposite sides; to the phone while wiping down the chin rest on Patient’s side) Listen, I don’t care what you think you heard, we are not going through this again – (To Patient) Lean forward, please – (To the phone) You tell them that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I don’t care if they never speak to me again; in fact, I’d rather they didn’t!  (To Patient) Stare at the giant dot on the screen and whatever you do, DO NOT BLINK.  (To the phone) Yes, I’m listening, unfortunately!  (To Patient) Hold still, please – you’ll see a blinding light in a few seconds.  (To the phone) No, I wasn’t talking to you just then; not everything’s all about you, you know!

Patient: (Blinks as light flashes into one eye) Oh sorry; I blinked.

Doctor: It happens; we’ll take another one.  (To the phone) What, I can’t be civil and decent to a patient?!... No, this isn’t a HIPAA violation; I haven’t disclosed any patient identifiers that you’d be able to figure out!  You’ve got some nerve, you know that?!  (To Patient) Try not to blink now, here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  (To the phone) I’m taking retinal images, nosy!  You literally just said – !  (To Patient as the machine slides slightly along the table) Same thing; stare at the big dot; try not to blink – (To the phone) It checks for wear and tear in the eye, if you must know; want me to use it on you?!  (To Patient) Here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  You can lean back now.  (Types on a keyboard to display the images on a large screen; to the phone) Yeah, well maybe if you’d had me examine your eyes years ago, you wouldn’t be complaining how fuzzy the world keeps getting, ever think of that?!  (To Patient) Everything looks great – I’ll send over someone to give you a field test but other than that, see you next year.  (To the phone while standing) You’re so rude – I can’t believe we’re related by blood!  (Leaves)

(Patient remains seated for a few moments in uncertainty, then stands when Tech enters)

Tech: All done?  I was told you just need a field test?

Patient: Yeah, that should wrap it up – I get to keep my vision for another year I guess, heh-heh-heh.

Tech: Oh yeah, heh-heh – this way, please.

(They both walk down the hall to another room with another machine, passing an exam room with the phone cord trailing out and Doctor’s voice alternating in intensity)

Patient: (Gestures to the room) Family drama, eh?

Tech: Huh?  Oh, yeah – happens every birthday; we barely even notice anymore.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.

Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 540: How to Deal When the Ants Go Marching

            (Belowground)

Lead Scout Ant: (Addressing the colony) My fellows!  At long last, we have found the ultimate source of food and water that we have been searching for these many, many, many days!

Ants: (Waving their antennae in celebration) Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: Abundance and plenty, ours for the taking!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: And all we need do is travel to the surface, and seize everything in sight and scent!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Queen: (Perched on a throne of eggs waiting to hatch) Question: when you say “surface,” do you mean in a natural area or in a human-made area?

Lead Scout Ant: (Less enthusiastic) The second one.

Ants: Hurr – oh.  (Lower antennae)

Queen: Yeah, I can’t sanction such an expedition.

Lead Scout Ant: But food and water galore!

Queen: And when you’re all inevitably caught, you’ll not only get yourselves wiped out but those monsters up above will trick at least one of you into carrying back horrific poison that’ll wipe us all out.  So, no: find another source of abundance and plenty.

Lead Scout Ant: Rest assured, Your Majesty: in my forays, I checked with our eight-legged comrades – from a safe distance – and the general consensus is that this particular surface-dweller is what its species calls a “soft touch” when it comes to sharing space with fellow creatures.

Queen: Yes, well, those comrades are only suffered to remain in order to keep out the rest of us.  There’s a world of difference between “sharing space” and “full-on invasion” that we’ll be bringing on.

Lead Scout Ant: …On the refrigerator door I saw the markings “P-E-T-A” that you told us to look out for.

Queen: Sold.  (Raises front legs in triumph) CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!!!!

Ants: (Waving antennae again) Hurrah!  Hurrah! 

THE NEXT MORNING 

(Aboveground.  Homeowner wakes up slowly, sleepily walks from the bedroom down the hall, enters the kitchen, and freezes in horror)

Homeowner: (Staring at the lines of ants all over the place) Invaded!  I’ve been home invaded!  How did you all even get in??!!  (Tries to hop around the columns on the floors and the random wanderers who do not seem to know where they are going, but accidentally steps on some and sees that others had been trampled during the trip from the bedroom) Sorry – ooh – sorry – seriously though, you all have got – to – go!

Lead Scout Ant: It’s OK: we go into this expecting collateral damage.

(Homeowner reaches the bedroom, grabs a cell phone, and selects a contact)

Friend: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Homeowner: I’m under attack!

Friend: Oh my gosh – why are you calling me; call 911!

Homeowner: I can’t; they won’t come here to deal with ants!

Friend: Oh.  Is that all?

Homeowner: “Is that all?”!  They’re everywhere!

Friend: Leave any food out?

Homeowner: Never!  Well maybe a little –

Friend: No one to blame but yourself, then.

Homeowner: Listen: no one likes to hear “I told you so” on a good day, and right now I am two seconds away from never speaking to you again.

Friend: Fine, fine: what do you want me to do about it, then?

Homeowner: I need the number of that you company you called back when you had the ant problem!

Friend: Oh.  Why not just call an exterminator?  Or set out some bait traps?

Homeowner: You know I’m not a mass murderer!

Friend: Ugh, they’re just ants.

Homeowner: And we’re just apes with airs – at least they’re not killing our shared home as we speak!

Friend: No, they’re just sharing your home, eating your food, and spreading disease as we speak.

Homeowner: Point taken.  We’re never going to agree on these basic fundamentals of life, but your last roommate did and made you call that company that got rid of the ants without massacring them and I need that number now before they decide to breach the perimeter of my bedroom and try their luck here!

Friend: All right, calm down – I think I still have a card somewhere around here.  I remember the whole experience was kind of weird, though –

Homeowner: (Sees several ants hovering in the bedroom doorway) I DON’T CARE!  (Slams the door shut)

Ant 1: (To Ant 2) What was that for?  They all know we just go underneath.

Ant 2: I think the human is feeling a bit defensive right now – we’ll come back later.

Lead Scout Ant: (From the kitchen table) Hey everybody, I just found two whole crumbs under a placemat here!

Ants: SCORE! 

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER 

(There is a knock on the front door; Homeowner sets aside a dustpan and broom and hops over to answer it; Contractor is waiting, casually staring off to the side)

Homeowner: Hi, yes?

Contractor: (Turns to face Homeowner, whipping off sunglasses) You the one with the ant problem?

Homeowner: (Opens the door wider) Yes!  Thank you so much for coming over right away!

Contractor: (Tucks sunglasses into a faux leather jacket pocket, enters the house, and gingerly steps around the ant lines) Sure: we’re extremely specialized, so we’re never busy.  Where’s the source?

Homeowner: Oh, I think it’s these floorboards right outside the bathroom – no idea why, though: there aren’t any exterior windows or doors anywhere near it, but they just keep coming!  (Leads Contractor to that part of the house)

Contractor: (Slowly lowers down to the floor and watches the continual outpouring of the army) Um-hm.  Probably a crack in the foundation – there could be hundreds of thousands of these suckers, just waiting on line for their turn.

Homeowner: (Almost swoons) “Hundreds of thousands”?

Contractor: (Stands) Yep.  You could set poison bait and kill them all excruciatingly slowly, while also exposing yourself to even more chemicals than you’re already getting on a daily basis – BUT, since you called us, you clearly realize there’s a better way for all involved.

Homeowner: Please, anything: I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t even care how long it takes at this point, I just want them out!

Contractor: Very well.  (Reaches into another jacket pocket, pulls out a piece of chalk with a flourish, crouches down to the bathroom door sill, firmly and dramatically draws two thick lines on either side of the gap where the ants are emerging, and stands again, definitively) There.  That oughta do it.

Homeowner: (Looking expectantly at the floor) So now what, you set up your equipment to lure them all to where you marked off and they return from whence they came?

Contractor: No – this is it.

Homeowner: (Blinks at Contractor in disbelief) …What do you mean, “this is it”?!  “This” was nothing!  “This” was chalk!

Contractor: Yeah, no one’s quite sure how it works: it’s either the scent or they don’t like the texture, but either way they don’t want to cross the line.  You’ll still have the ones already out here, but no one else’ll be wanting to come in anytime soon, I guarantee it.

Ant 2,374: (Starts to emerge from the gap, then stops) Ah!  Chalk lines!  Flee!

Ants Below: Flee!

Queen: Figures.

Homeowner: I don’t believe this!  Your company is charging a ton of money, and all you did is draw lines that a child could do?!

Contractor: (Hands the chalk to Homeowner) Here: on the house.

Homeowner: What – ?!

Contractor: Reapply if necessary, but I highly doubt you’ll need to.  It’s quite effective.

Homeowner: It’s chalk!

Contractor: If for some reason a few enterprising souls manage to get through, the old stand-by then is duct tape.

Homeowner: DUCT TAPE!!

Contractor: The old adage that it works for everything is absolutely true, but it’s the more unsightly solution of the two so we usually go with the one that can be cleaned up later.  If they start coming in through the windows or doors though, I’d suggest you switch from chalk to caulk, heh-heh.

Homeowner: I refuse to believe that a massive army of single-minded creatures –

Ants: Hey!

Homeowner: – can be completely thwarted by something so juvenilely simplistic!  This has to be a scam – nothing’s this easy and actually works!

Contractor: (Mildly exasperated) OK: we can get some diatomaceous earth that will cut through their exoskeletons and slowly dry them out so they die of dehydration; you want to do that instead?

Homeowner: Ew, no.  Ew.

Contractor: So: chalk, and/or duct tape.  Spritz some peppermint oil or sprinkle some ground cinnamon if that makes you feel useful, but I’m telling you, the solution really is that simple.

Homeowner: (Stares at the piece of chalk) I guess I still have to pay you the full amount, huh.

Contractor: You know it.  But here, since I’m feeling so generous with my expertise – (Whips out two more pieces of chalk, positions them on either side of the remaining groups of ants, and draws lines that lead from the hallway to the open living room window, including the wall and sill) That should take care of the stragglers.

Lead Scout Ant: (As the remaining ants regroup) Will this madness never end?!  First we’re cut off from the colony, and now we’re being herded outdoors?!

Ant 3: At least it’s fresh air.

Lead Scout Ant: Not the point!

Homeowner: (Had followed Contractor into the living room) And they’ll all troop on out of here, just like that?

Contractor: I think you know the answer to that.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) I’ll e-mail you the final bill.  (Heads to the front door, opens it, then turns back) Oh, and don’t forget: you signed the non-disclosure agreement before I got here, so no revealing company secrets or we sue.  And free piece of advice: clean up after yourself when you eat – I could make a meal out of all the crumbs I’m seeing around here.  (Slaps the sunglasses back on) PEACE!  (Leaves)

Homeowner: (To the chalk) I was wondering why I had to sign a legal document for something so trivial. 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Homeowner is napping on the living room couch when the cell phone rings)

Homeowner: (Groggily sees that Friend is calling) Howdy.

Friend: (Voice) So, how’s the infestation?

Homeowner: (Sighs wearily) Over, thank goodness.  I finally finished scrubbing the floors and washing everything in the kitchen; if nothing else, this place hasn’t been so clean in years.

Friend: I’ll bet.  They make you sign the NDA?

Homeowner: (Sits up, more alert) Yes!  I’m assuming that’s why you didn’t just tell me how to take care of all this!

Friend: Got it in one: even though my roommate is the one who called them, I had to sign it too since I live there.

Homeowner: But how would they ever have known that you’d told me what to do?!

Friend: Hey: I’m not a liar.

Homeowner: Whatever.  I’m just trying to ignore that I had to spend an unspeakable amount of money on something that turns out I could’ve found myself through an Internet search.

Friend: Really?  Huh – for once I didn’t think of doing that first.

Homeowner: Me neither: the panic kept us from thinking clearly.

Lead Scout Ant: (Bringing up the rear of the ants leaving through the window, turns to shake a leg angrily at Homeowner) You may have won this round, but we’ll be back!  We’ll find our colony again, and swarm you like you’ve never been swarmed before, and victory will be ours, ahahahahaha – !

Homeowner: Hang on a sec: got a few remnants here.  (Grabs the chalk, walks over to the windowsill, and draws a line behind the exiting ants)

Lead Scout Ant: Curses!  (Flees with the others through the screen to the outdoors)

Homeowner: (Settles back onto the couch and tosses away the chalk) There – hopefully, that is that.

Friend: Well, if nothing else, I’m sure you feel satisfied knowing that you didn’t kill off thousands of critters in a torturous way or whatever you go on about.

Homeowner: I do, yes.  My credit card will have to be consoled with that fact, too.