Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.

Story 252: Kayaking as a Compatibility Test

            Host: Welcome, friends, to today’s installment of Are You Meant for Each Other, or Is This All Just a Waste of Time?  The premise is simple: sure, you two have fun going to the bar; you have a ball at the multiplex; you feel the magic in the air at the local rave; but, do you have what it takes for the long haul in the unforgiving decathlon that is called “Life”?  In previous episodes, we have tossed couples into the jaws of every conceivable trial that involves some form of teamwork: we have had them mountain climbing; we have had them tandem biking; we have had them selling solar panel installations door-to-door; this time, my friends, we have three couples whose compatibility, physical endurance, and ability to follow directions will be put to the ultimate test as they embark upon: tandem kayaking in gentle waters.

            Tour Guide: (In a solo kayak, at rest in a creek surrounded by marshland) During the summer, I take tourists out to see the osprey nests and the overgrown railroad tracks and all the docked yachts nobody can afford; most of them go in solo kayaks `cause it’s, you know, easier.  This should be interesting.  (Leads the three couples in their tandem kayaks away from the dock and into the creek)

            Host: (Standing at the edge of the dock) And they’re off, happy as the clams you find in out in the bay, each secure in the knowledge of their love and the sense of their own physical fitness.

            Tour Guide: (To the three couples) So first, I’m going to take all y’all through the creek and give you a few nature lessons that are sorely needed.  (Couple 1 begin turning too far to the left) Just stick your paddle in the water and push forward like I showed you earlier.  (The paddle is dropped into the water)

            Host: (Standing on a paddle board) There you have it: already there appears to be trouble in paradise as the rear paddler attempts to whack the front paddler upside the head and also drops their paddle into the drink.  Fortunately for our budget, the water here has a depth of 5 feet.

            (Couple 2 crash into the Tour Guide’s kayak)

            Host: And there it is, our first collision – thankfully, all participants remain inside their vessels and the drenching is mild.  Up ahead, Couple 3 appear to be doing extremely well with excellent form, nice synchronous movements – it is almost as if they are in the disgusting mushy stage of the relationship where they practically read other’s thoughts.  Let’s throw a few obstacles at them, shall we?

            (Couple 3 smoothly round a bend and come upon a swarm of paddle boarders, other random kayakers, and a few inner-tubers)

            Host: Here we are, folks, our first true test of this promising couple’s future.  Will they be able to navigate around these thoughtless faux surfers, aqua adventurers, and extreme yoga enthusiasts, and emerge at the other side still able to speak to one another, or will they simply knock over all these clowns?

            (Couple 3 swing to the far right to go around the group and accidentally beach themselves on the marsh grass)

            Host: Oh no, and they were doing so well!  Plus now there’ll probably be a fine for marsh damage!  Let’s see if the cracks in the immaculate foundation of this previously contended crew have begun.  (Hops from the paddle board to a motorboat and putters over to them)  As we approach cautiously, we should be able to hear which one blames the other for this metaphorical catastrophe.

            (As the Host arrives, it is seen that Couple 3 are looking at the tiny crabs that had emerged from the disturbed marsh)

            Host: Hm, they appear to be appreciating this unexpected detour.  (Couple 3 laugh, then use the paddles to free themselves from the mud and continue on their way) And they have resumed their journey, in these waters and in their lives.  Now they’ve become uninteresting, let’s check in on how the others are doing, hm?

            (Motors back a bit and sees that Couple 1 are zigzagging their way through the creek as they overcompensate on each attempt to keep the kayak straight)

            Host: Progress is progress, I suppose.

            (Couple 2 have crashed through the other groups of water tourists, capsizing them and yelling at each other)

            Host: Oh dear.  (To someone off-camera) Does our insurance cover something like this?

            Tour Guide: (To all three Couples) All right, if you guys want you can follow me out into the harbor for the last half-hour of the tour.

            (Without a word to each other, Couple 1 jump out of their kayak, pick it up, and carry it over their heads back to the dock by walking through the shallow creek)

            Host: I suppose having the same idea counts for something.

            (Couple 2 stop dead in the water to argue for the rest of the show)

            Host: Seems about right.

            (Couple 3 continue paddling gracefully through the harbor, enjoying the scenery and not overtaxing themselves as they complete the tour)

            Host: Ah, there they go, as beautifully as a song.  I think these kids’ll make it.  (Turns back to the camera) Well, that’s all for today’s episode of AYMFEO,OITAJAWOT?  Thank you for joining us; please tune in next week when we take three new couples out on a HALO jump.  Until then, please enjoy the credits as we tow Couple 2 back to the dock and search for Couple 1, who seem to have made off with the gear.