(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)
Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love. Now! On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts. (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry. (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver. (Back to Contestant 1) So! As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)
Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –
Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.
Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..
Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.
Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….
Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe? Cheating on your taxes? Never using your turn signal when driving? Chronic emotional infidelity? Procrastination?
Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!
Host: Yes?
Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….
Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?
Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.
Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?
Host: That’s it?
Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes! I’m a thief, and now you all know!
Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.
Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!
Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.
Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates. (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?
Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?
Host: What?!
Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.
Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?
Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it. If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.
Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.
Contestant 3: Oh. OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even. (Winks at Contestant 1)
Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!
Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!
Host: Lovely. (To Contestant 5) You?
Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.
Host: There’s always one in the bunch. Now! That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted. (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)
Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.
Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.
Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.
Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!
Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.
Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.
Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!
Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.
Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!
Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.
Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?! (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)
Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real? Dang.
Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?
Contestant 1: Hard pass.
Host: Good move. (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)
Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me. It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life. I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.
Audience: Awwwwwww.
Host: That’s sweet. (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?
Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!
Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!
Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)
Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?
Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?
Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes! (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)
Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)
Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone! (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.
Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.
