(Belowground)
Lead Scout Ant: (Addressing
the colony) My fellows! At long last, we
have found the ultimate source of food and water that we have been searching
for these many, many, many days!
Ants: (Waving
their antennae in celebration) Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Lead Scout Ant:
Abundance and plenty, ours for the taking!
Ants:
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Lead Scout Ant:
And all we need do is travel to the surface, and seize everything in sight and
scent!
Ants:
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Queen: (Perched
on a throne of eggs waiting to hatch) Question: when you say “surface,” do you
mean in a natural area or in a human-made area?
Lead Scout Ant:
(Less enthusiastic) The second one.
Ants: Hurr – oh. (Lower antennae)
Queen: Yeah, I
can’t sanction such an expedition.
Lead Scout Ant:
But food and water galore!
Queen: And when
you’re all inevitably caught, you’ll not only get yourselves wiped out but
those monsters up above will trick at least one of you into carrying back
horrific poison that’ll wipe us all out.
So, no: find another source of abundance and plenty.
Lead Scout Ant:
Rest assured, Your Majesty: in my forays, I checked with our eight-legged
comrades – from a safe distance – and the general consensus is that this
particular surface-dweller is what its species calls a “soft touch” when it
comes to sharing space with fellow creatures.
Queen: Yes,
well, those comrades are only suffered to remain in order to keep out
the rest of us. There’s a world of
difference between “sharing space” and “full-on invasion” that we’ll be bringing
on.
Lead Scout Ant:
…On the refrigerator door I saw the markings “P-E-T-A” that you told us to look
out for.
Queen: Sold. (Raises front legs in triumph) CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!!!!
Ants: (Waving antennae again) Hurrah! Hurrah!
THE NEXT MORNING
(Aboveground. Homeowner wakes up slowly, sleepily walks
from the bedroom down the hall, enters the kitchen, and freezes in horror)
Homeowner:
(Staring at the lines of ants all over the place) Invaded! I’ve been home invaded! How did you all even get in??!! (Tries to hop around the columns on the
floors and the random wanderers who do not seem to know where they are going,
but accidentally steps on some and sees that others had been trampled during
the trip from the bedroom) Sorry – ooh – sorry – seriously though, you all have
got – to – go!
Lead Scout Ant: It’s OK: we go into this expecting
collateral damage.
(Homeowner
reaches the bedroom, grabs a cell phone, and selects a contact)
Friend: (Voice)
Hey, what’s up?
Homeowner: I’m
under attack!
Friend: Oh my
gosh – why are you calling me; call 911!
Homeowner: I
can’t; they won’t come here to deal with ants!
Friend: Oh. Is that all?
Homeowner: “Is
that all?”! They’re everywhere!
Friend: Leave
any food out?
Homeowner:
Never! Well maybe a little –
Friend: No one
to blame but yourself, then.
Homeowner:
Listen: no one likes to hear “I told you so” on a good day, and right now I am
two seconds away from never speaking to you again.
Friend: Fine,
fine: what do you want me to do about it, then?
Homeowner: I
need the number of that you company you called back when you had the ant
problem!
Friend: Oh. Why not just call an exterminator? Or set out some bait traps?
Homeowner: You
know I’m not a mass murderer!
Friend: Ugh,
they’re just ants.
Homeowner: And
we’re just apes with airs – at least they’re not killing our shared home
as we speak!
Friend: No,
they’re just sharing your home, eating your food, and spreading disease
as we speak.
Homeowner: Point
taken. We’re never going to agree on
these basic fundamentals of life, but your last roommate did and made you call
that company that got rid of the ants without massacring them and I need that
number now before they decide to breach the perimeter of my bedroom and try
their luck here!
Friend: All
right, calm down – I think I still have a card somewhere around here. I remember the whole experience was kind of
weird, though –
Homeowner: (Sees
several ants hovering in the bedroom doorway) I DON’T CARE! (Slams the door shut)
Ant 1: (To Ant 2) What was that for? They all know we just go underneath.
Ant 2: I think the human is feeling a bit defensive
right now – we’ll come back later.
Lead Scout Ant: (From the kitchen table) Hey
everybody, I just found two whole crumbs under a placemat here!
Ants: SCORE!
LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER
(There is a
knock on the front door; Homeowner sets aside a dustpan and broom and hops over
to answer it; Contractor is waiting, casually staring off to the side)
Homeowner: Hi,
yes?
Contractor:
(Turns to face Homeowner, whipping off sunglasses) You the one with the ant
problem?
Homeowner:
(Opens the door wider) Yes! Thank you so
much for coming over right away!
Contractor:
(Tucks sunglasses into a faux leather jacket pocket, enters the house, and
gingerly steps around the ant lines) Sure: we’re extremely specialized, so
we’re never busy. Where’s the source?
Homeowner:
Oh, I think it’s these floorboards right outside the bathroom – no idea why,
though: there aren’t any exterior windows or doors anywhere near it, but they
just keep coming! (Leads Contractor to
that part of the house)
Contractor:
(Slowly lowers down to the floor and watches the continual outpouring of the
army) Um-hm. Probably a crack in the
foundation – there could be hundreds of thousands of these suckers, just
waiting on line for their turn.
Homeowner:
(Almost swoons) “Hundreds of thousands”?
Contractor:
(Stands) Yep. You could set
poison bait and kill them all excruciatingly slowly, while also exposing
yourself to even more chemicals than you’re already getting on a daily basis –
BUT, since you called us, you clearly realize there’s a better way for all
involved.
Homeowner:
Please, anything: I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t even care how long it
takes at this point, I just want them out!
Contractor:
Very well. (Reaches into another jacket
pocket, pulls out a piece of chalk with a flourish, crouches down to the
bathroom door sill, firmly and dramatically draws two thick lines on either
side of the gap where the ants are emerging, and stands again, definitively)
There. That oughta do it.
Homeowner:
(Looking expectantly at the floor) So now what, you set up your equipment to
lure them all to where you marked off and they return from whence they came?
Contractor:
No – this is it.
Homeowner:
(Blinks at Contractor in disbelief) …What do you mean, “this is it”?! “This” was nothing! “This” was chalk!
Contractor:
Yeah, no one’s quite sure how it works: it’s either the scent or they don’t
like the texture, but either way they don’t want to cross the line. You’ll still have the ones already out here,
but no one else’ll be wanting to come in anytime soon, I guarantee it.
Ant 2,374: (Starts to emerge from the gap, then stops)
Ah! Chalk lines! Flee!
Ants Below: Flee!
Queen: Figures.
Homeowner:
I don’t believe this! Your company is charging
a ton of money, and all you did is draw lines that a child could do?!
Contractor:
(Hands the chalk to Homeowner) Here: on the house.
Homeowner:
What – ?!
Contractor:
Reapply if necessary, but I highly doubt you’ll need to. It’s quite effective.
Homeowner:
It’s chalk!
Contractor:
If for some reason a few enterprising souls manage to get through, the
old stand-by then is duct tape.
Homeowner:
DUCT TAPE!!
Contractor:
The old adage that it works for everything is absolutely true, but it’s the
more unsightly solution of the two so we usually go with the one that can be
cleaned up later. If they start coming
in through the windows or doors though, I’d suggest you switch from chalk to
caulk, heh-heh.
Homeowner:
I refuse to believe that a massive army of single-minded creatures –
Ants: Hey!
Homeowner:
– can be completely thwarted by something so juvenilely simplistic! This has to be a scam – nothing’s this easy
and actually works!
Contractor:
(Mildly exasperated) OK: we can get some diatomaceous earth that will cut
through their exoskeletons and slowly dry them out so they die of dehydration;
you want to do that instead?
Homeowner:
Ew, no. Ew.
Contractor:
So: chalk, and/or duct tape. Spritz some
peppermint oil or sprinkle some ground cinnamon if that makes you feel useful,
but I’m telling you, the solution really is that simple.
Homeowner:
(Stares at the piece of chalk) I guess I still have to pay you the full amount,
huh.
Contractor:
You know it. But here, since I’m feeling
so generous with my expertise – (Whips out two more pieces of chalk, positions
them on either side of the remaining groups of ants, and draws lines that lead
from the hallway to the open living room window, including the wall and sill)
That should take care of the stragglers.
Lead Scout Ant: (As the remaining ants regroup) Will
this madness never end?! First we’re cut
off from the colony, and now we’re being herded outdoors?!
Ant 3: At least it’s fresh air.
Lead Scout Ant: Not the point!
Homeowner:
(Had followed Contractor into the living room) And they’ll all troop on out of
here, just like that?
Contractor:
I think you know the answer to that.
(They stare at each other for a few moments) I’ll e-mail you the final
bill. (Heads to the front door, opens
it, then turns back) Oh, and don’t forget: you signed the non-disclosure
agreement before I got here, so no revealing company secrets or we
sue. And free piece of advice: clean up
after yourself when you eat – I could make a meal out of all the crumbs I’m
seeing around here. (Slaps the sunglasses
back on) PEACE! (Leaves)
Homeowner: (To the chalk) I was wondering why I had to sign a legal document for something so trivial.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
(Homeowner
is napping on the living room couch when the cell phone rings)
Homeowner:
(Groggily sees that Friend is calling) Howdy.
Friend:
(Voice) So, how’s the infestation?
Homeowner:
(Sighs wearily) Over, thank goodness. I
finally finished scrubbing the floors and washing everything in the kitchen; if
nothing else, this place hasn’t been so clean in years.
Friend:
I’ll bet. They make you sign the NDA?
Homeowner:
(Sits up, more alert) Yes! I’m assuming
that’s why you didn’t just tell me how to take care of all this!
Friend:
Got it in one: even though my roommate is the one who called them, I had to
sign it too since I live there.
Homeowner:
But how would they ever have known that you’d told me what to do?!
Friend:
Hey: I’m not a liar.
Homeowner:
Whatever. I’m just trying to ignore that
I had to spend an unspeakable amount of money on something that turns out I could’ve
found myself through an Internet search.
Friend:
Really? Huh – for once I didn’t think of
doing that first.
Homeowner:
Me neither: the panic kept us from thinking clearly.
Lead Scout Ant: (Bringing up the rear of the ants
leaving through the window, turns to shake a leg angrily at Homeowner) You may
have won this round, but we’ll be back!
We’ll find our colony again, and swarm you like you’ve never been
swarmed before, and victory will be ours, ahahahahaha – !
Homeowner:
Hang on a sec: got a few remnants here.
(Grabs the chalk, walks over to the windowsill, and draws a line behind
the exiting ants)
Lead Scout Ant: Curses! (Flees with the others through the screen to
the outdoors)
Homeowner:
(Settles back onto the couch and tosses away the chalk) There – hopefully, that
is that.
Friend:
Well, if nothing else, I’m sure you feel satisfied knowing that you didn’t kill
off thousands of critters in a torturous way or whatever you go on about.
Homeowner:
I do, yes. My credit card will have to
be consoled with that fact, too.
