Story 542: “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?” Dating Game Show

(On a game show set in front of a live studio audience, Host stands at a podium with four contestants seated on one side and one contestant seated on the other)

Host: (As the Audience applause trickles off) Good evening folks, and welcome to another episode of “What’s the Worst Thing You’ve Ever Done?”, the only dating game show – or the only type of dating, period – where instead of everyone trying to put their best food forward and make a good first impression, leaving their horrendous flaws to rear their ugly heads months-to-years later when it’s too late for anyone to back out with dignity, here the object is for everyone to put their worst food forward, and whoever accepts each other with that caveat, we know it’ll be true love.  Now!  On to tonight’s group of lonely hearts.  (Turns to Contestant 1) You certainly have the pick the litter, but fair is fair: you’re first to fess up your sordid crimes, and the other four here can “Yay” or “Nay” before taking their own turns in airing out their dirty laundry.  (Contestant 4 covertly slinks out of the seat and exits stage right while Host watches) That’s certainly a time-saver.  (Back to Contestant 1) So!  As the name of the show asks: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 1: (Giggles) Well, that’s certainly a loaded question, and I’m really nervous right now, never been on TV before –

Host: Understandable: you’re not on a timer, but we don’t have all night here either.

Contestant 1: Right – right – ummmmm…..

Host: You said backstage you had a few stories ready.

Contestant 1: (Wiping sweat off forehead) I know, and my mind is just a big ol’ blank right now….

Host: (Tapping note cards absentmindedly on the podium) Was it lying, maybe?  Cheating on your taxes?  Never using your turn signal when driving?  Chronic emotional infidelity?  Procrastination?

Contestant 1: Ooh-ooh, now I remember!

Host: Yes?

Contestant 1: OK, I’ve felt guilty about this for years and years, and I don’t think I can ever make amends at this point….

Host: (Leans forward eagerly) Yes?

Contestant 1: Right, here it is: when I was 5 or 6 years old, I saw a pack of gum in a store that I really wanted but I knew my mom would never let me get it, soooo... I stole it.

Audience: (Starts out scandalized, ends up confused) Oooooooooo – ooooh?

Host: That’s it?

Contestant 1: (Smiles guiltily) Yes!  I’m a thief, and now you all know!

Audience: (Half-heartedly) Ooooooh.

Host: It was a pack of gum when you were 5!

Contestant 1: Yeah, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Host: (Sighs in mild disgust) All right, let’s check with the panel – I mean, your potential mates.  (Turns to Contestants 2, 3, and 5) So: your opinion on this… crime?

Contestant 2: (Shakes head slightly) I dunno if I could be with someone who steals – once a thief always a thief, know what I mean?

Host: What?!

Contestant 1: (Nods solemnly) Fair enough.

Host: (Tries not to roll eyes when turning to Contestant 3) How about you?

Contestant 3: I say it’s no big deal: as long as you’ve basically been a decent person since then, I’m cool with it.  If you’re still feeling bad about it all these years later, maybe go back to the store and give them the money for it or something.

Contestant 1: Store’s out of business.

Contestant 3: Oh.  OK – maybe buy me a pack of gum then and call it even.  (Winks at Contestant 1)

Contestant 1: Hee-heeh-hee!

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhh!!!

Host: Lovely.  (To Contestant 5) You?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 1) I think that’s so hot.

Host: There’s always one in the bunch.  Now!  That fun’s over: it’s time for our other contestants to reveal all, and we’ll see whether any of them are accepted.  (To Contestant 2) You didn’t sound too forgiving earlier, so now you get the question: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 2: (Looks up to think) Wellll, it depends on what you mean by “ever done”.

Host: (Stares blankly at Contestant 2) Exactly what it says.

Contestant 2: Wellll, if you mean done in the past, then that’d be having 23 kids in 10 secret families and never being emotionally, financially, or physically present for any of them.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!

Contestant 1: (Winces; quietly) Ooh, baggage.

Contestant 2: BUT, if you mean “ever” as in ever, then I guess the fire I’m gonna set in the abandoned warehouse at the edge of town tonight just for kicks’ll be the worst thing, yeah.

Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Contestant 2) That’s literally so hot.

Host: (To Contestant 2) You’re admitting to arson on live television?!

Contestant 2: Well, no – I haven’t done it yet.

Host: You remember signing the notice that we have police officers on stand-by for when crimes are confessed, don’t you?!  (Gestures to the police officers standing offstage, who stiffly wave at Contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (Waves back) Oh, that was real?  Dang.

Host: (Shakes head in disbelief; to Contestant 1) Your opinion on all this?

Contestant 1: Hard pass.

Host: Good move.  (To Contestant 3) All right, next up: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 3: (To Contestant 1) Well, I’d have to say the worst thing I’ve ever done is not being there for my family when they really needed me.  It’s happened a few times, and it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my life.  I love my family, honest I do – I think you’d like them, too – I know I’ve hurt them in the past, so I’m hoping I can do better by them in the future.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Host: That’s sweet.  (To Contestant 1) Whaddya think?

Contestant 1: (Clasping hands together while making heart eyes at Contestant 3) I think I’m in love!

Audience: AWWWWWWWW!!!

Host: And I would love to end it here, but we still have one more contestant: (Turns to Contestant 5) I’m almost afraid to ask: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Host and Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) You want it alphabetically or chronologically?

Host: (Immediately turns back to Contestant 1) I think we’re done here; have you made your decision?

Contestant 1: (Leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 3, who also leaps out of the seat and runs to Contestant 1) Oh, yes-yes-yes!  (Contestant 1 and Contestant 3 crash into an embrace and twirl off backstage)

Contestant 1 and Contestant 3: I love you flaws and all!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Host: (To Audience) Well folks, another successful match made, another few criminals arrested; all-in-all another productive night of: (Raises an arm toward the Audience to cue them)

Audience: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Host: Good night, and please, for the love of humanity, just do right by everyone!  (As the end credits roll and the Audience cheers, Host motions for the police officers to take in Contestant 2, who shrugs and goes with them willingly; Host swerves around Contestant 5, who is still sitting in the seat; the live mic picks up as Host points at Contestant 5) You scare me.

Contestant 5: (Smiling creepily at Host) That’s so hot.

Story 358: The Flaw Highlighter

 

            (In an office’s conference room, two coworkers are the last ones to leave a meeting)

          Coworker 1: (Gathering papers from the table) I wish they’d just condense these things, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Starts texting) Yeah.

           Coworker 1: I mean, we just had three back-to-back meetings with the same topics spread out across all of them, you know, and they could’ve just had one big meeting and been done in a quarter of the time, you know?

            Coworker 2: Yeah.

            Coworker 1: I mean, really, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks at Coworker 1) Yes, I know, stop asking me, I get it!

            Coworker 1: Wow.  That was unnecessarily harsh.

           Coworker 2: I’m sorry, it’s just – like you said, we had three back-to-back redundant meetings so I’m already in a foul mood, and the verbal tics sent me over the edge but that was rude of me, I apologize.

            Coworker 1: What verbal tics?

            Coworker 2: Seriously?

            Coworker 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            Coworker 2: Huh, I guess you don’t, or else you wouldn’t do it.  It’s that you say “You know” a lot.  As in, all the time.

            Coworker 1: Really?  I guess it pops up occasionally, but you know –

            Coworker 2: (Points at Coworker 1) See!  You did it again!

            Coworker 1: (Eyes widen in horror) Oh my stars, I never realized….

          Coworker 2: (Starts to leave) It’s OK, but now that you know about it, you can take steps to knock it off.  Along with a few other things.

            Coworker 1: What few other things?!  How many annoying habits do I have?!

           Coworker 2: Well, there’s – never mind, I’ve gotta get back to my desk and try to answer 300 e-mails in five minutes, byeeee!  (Leaves)

            Coworker 1: (Sits slowly; in a small voice) How many annoying habits do I have?

            Coworker 3: (Pops up behind Coworker 1’s chair) Need a hand with that?

          Coworker 1: (Jumps in seat) Blazing supernovas, have you been here this whole time?!

          Coworker 3: It doesn’t matter – here.  (Hands over a card) Call this crew, they’ll help you out, byeeee!  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Stares at the card that reads “Flaw Highlighter: Where All Your Flaws Are Brought to Light, So You Can Take Steps to Knock Them Off”) Guess it couldn’t hurt to give them a call, you know – shoot!

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

           Coworker 2: (Enters office and passes by Coworker 1’s desk) Good mor – who on Earth is that?!

            Coworker 1: Oh, this is my Flaw Highlighter.  (Gestures to a figure seated next to Coworker 1) They’ll be shadowing me for the next few days to tell me when I keep repeating bad habits, annoying behaviors, that sort of thing, you know?

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on a clipboard) Phrase Repetition: 36^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Drat.  And it’s barely 8:00 in the morning.

            Coworker 2: You sure about this?  It could be a bit distracting to have this going on while you’re supposed to be working.

            Coworker 1: (Starts softly cracking knuckles) I figure it’ll be worth it if it helps me stop doing irritating things unconsciously.

         Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Item #17: Knuckle Cracking – first instance.

            Coworker 1: Huh?  (Looks at hands in mid-crack) No wonder they hurt randomly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits at a nearby desk) Well, let me know if you need anything.

            Coworker 1: Will do, heh-heh-heh!

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Nervous Laugh: 20^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Great, now it’s even annoying me, but it’s so hard to stop!

            Coworker 2: (Mutters to the computer monitor) This is gonna be a looooong day….

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

            Coworker 1: (On the desk phone) I can try looking that up for you – (Types and sucks on teeth) – I see, it was submitted at the end of last year.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Teeth Sucking: 13^th instance.

         Coworker 1: (Mushes lips together) Mm-hm…. Mm-hm…. (Begins cracking knuckles) Mm-hmmmm....

          Flaw Highlighter: (Gently taps Coworker 1’s hands with a pencil before making a notation on the clipboard) Seventh instance.

          Coworker 1: (Sits on hands) OK, I’ll keep looking for the other one, but I may not be able to send it to you until Monday, you know?  (Winces)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Even hundred.

            Coworker 1: Sure-thanks-bye!  (Releases hands to hang up the phone)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Phone etiquette is a bit rusty.

           Coworker 1: (Sinks head onto the desk) Can I stop having to interact with people for the rest of the day?

            Flaw Highlighter: No.  And you signed up with us for a month.

            Coworker 1: (Moans into the desk) Can I take a five-minute break from the surveillance, then?

           Flaw Highlighter: If you must.  A note will be placed in your file documenting this.  (Sets the clipboard and pencil down on the desk and freezes in place)

            Coworker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  (Walks to Coworker 2’s desk) Hey – got a minute?

            Coworker 2: (Looks up and takes off headphones) What’s up?  How’s the audit going?

            Coworker 1: Extremely well.

            Coworker 2: Excellent!

            Coworker 1: That’s why it needs to end now.

            Coworker 2: What?  Why?

            Coworker 1: Because everything I do and say is wrong!

            Coworker 2: No it isn’t!  Although that means what you just said was.

            Coworker 1: All right: everything I do and say is annoying!

            Coworker 2: Well….

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: Not everything.

            Coworker 1: I can’t even take myself anymore!  Can I quit me?!

           Coworker 2: Listen, so you’ve got a few obnoxious quirks, but really, so does everyone else in humanity!  You can try to work on some of them, but if you obsess over every little annoying part of yourself then you’ll only wind up making them worse and enjoying life even less than you are now.

            Coworker 1: I guess.

            Coworker 2: Good.  Now dismiss the voice in your head so you can get some actual work done today – if you don’t send me the updated slides by 4:00 then you’ll really be annoying.  (Puts the headphones back on)

           Coworker 1: Oh all right.  (Walks back to the desk; Flaw Highlighter reanimates and picks up the clipboard and pencil) Yeah, so, we’re done here.  You don’t need to come back, ever.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Stands) You still want the report, such as it is?

            Coworker 1: Nah, I got the gist of it.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Nods) No refunds.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk, looks at Coworker 2 who smiles and gives a thumbs-up, then looks off into the middle distance) Maybe I should’ve gotten the package that focused on my prejudice and immaturity instead.